Bitter Ashes (Bitter Ashes Book 1) (12 page)

I let out a sigh of relief as some tension within me eased. Perhaps my nature wasn't what I'd been led to believe after all. The idea of some part of me being like James made me ill, but maybe James was the exception and not the rule.

“What does Estus want?” I asked as I filed the previous information away. “Please, they could find me down here soon,” I added to hurry her along.

She shook her head. “Estus wants a lot of things, and none of them should you give him.”

I looked over my shoulder again. “Why shouldn't I give anything to him? How can I trust you? Everyone seems to have a different idea of who I should trust. Sivi said-”

“Sivi?” Maya questioned as if I had finally gained her interest.

“She tried to get me to leave,” I explained. “She showed me a way out of here.” A thought dawned on me. “Maybe if I could get you out of this cell we could-”

Maya shook her head. “There is no getting me out of this cell, and I wouldn't trust Sivi either. If you want an example of what the Vaettir are supposed to be, she's it.”

“But isn't that a good thing?” I asked. “Just a moment ago you were telling me that we've been twisted away from what we're supposed to be.”

“She
is
what we're supposed to be. She has maintained her connection to the land, even down here.” At my blank stare, she went on, “Let me guess, this alleged way out had something to do with water.”

“How did you know?” I asked.

My torchlight was beginning to seem dim, but I wasn't sure if the fire was actually getting lower, or if my fear was playing tricks on me.

“She can travel through water,” Maya explained, “because it is the element that she's associated with. She has maintained that hold, making her less interested in power plays, and more interested in restoring the natural order. Sivi is very, very old, and hasn't changed much over the centuries.”

“Centuries?” I laughed. “You're kidding right?”

Maya shook her head. “Her age isn't important. All you need to know is what Sivi would
do
if she could convince the other Vaettir to follow her.”

“The natural order doesn't sound bad-”

Maya cut me off with a sharp motion of her mutilated hand. “The
natural
order would mean far fewer humans and Vaettir alike. She would try to knock the world back to medieval times.”

My eyes widened as my mouth formed an “oh” of understanding.

Maya glanced around as if she could hear something that I couldn't. “You're running out of time,” she said quickly. “Listen to me very carefully. Sivi is only looking out for her own well-being. The Vaettir by nature are solitary creatures, and she holds to that. Your escape would benefit her and only her. If you stay, you can work against both Estus and Sivi.”

“Wait,” I interrupted, getting the feeling that our conversation was about to come to an abrupt end.

“No waiting,” Maya snapped. “The answer that Estus is looking for is right under his very nose, only he can't find it. Only someone with a connection to death can find it.
You
can find it. Just like Sivi is a guardian of water, you're a guardian of death. Estus recently figured that part out, and that's why he suddenly wants you. I think that the last executioner failed, and so he was killed. Soon it's going to be your turn, and I'm going to help you do it.”

“Why?” I asked, growing more confused by the second.

“This thing would grant Estus complete control. He'll make you find it eventually even without my help. At least if you find it without him present, before he even knows that you're looking for it, you can decide what to do with it.”

I could hear footsteps in one of the nearby corridors. “How do I find it?” I whispered.

“Estus believes that only someone with a connection to death can see the object he seeks, but he's not quite right. In truth, only the dead know where it is, so someone with a connection is needed to ask them.”

The footsteps had stopped, but Maya looked around again as if she could hear something that I couldn't. “There is a place within the Salr where the worst of traitors are kept,” she continued, barely loud enough for me to hear. “Their punishment is to have their souls trapped forever within their dead bodies. Only the dead can show you the way to this object, so you need to go and ask them.”

“How am I supposed to ask them questions?” I squeaked. “They're dead!”

The footsteps sounded again, closer this time. We both froze at the sound as someone came to stand in the cross-section where I'd turned to find Maya. I blocked as much of my torch with my body as I could and waited. Whoever it was paused for a moment, then walked on.

“Just go and try,” Maya whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear at all. “It's the only chance we have. Now
go
.”

I waited until the footsteps got far enough down the hallway that I could no longer hear them, gave a final apologetic look to Maya, then ran to the end of the corridor. I looked both ways down the hall, but my torch didn't cast enough light to see more than a few feet. Things seemed to echo more harshly down the main corridor, so despite my instinct telling me to run, I crept back slowly the way I'd come.

I knew I was almost back to the stairs, though I couldn't yet see them, when I heard the footsteps again. Whoever it was had walked farther down the corridor, and now they were walking back at a much faster pace than I was going. I paused for a moment, not sure what I should do, then decided echoes be damned, I needed to run.

I took off at full speed and could tell instantly that whoever was behind me had heard. The heavy footsteps quickened just as the stairs became visible ahead of me. I dropped my torch onto the ground as I used my hands to speed my progress up the giant steps.

I reached the top and ran at full speed down the hall, refusing to look back. I ran that way until I reached my bedroom, unsure if whoever was down there had actually seen me.

Not wanting to be caught in the hallway huffing and puffing, I let myself quickly into my bedroom, only to be caught huffing and puffing by the two people sitting on my bed waiting for me.

“Where were you?” Sophie asked. “We looked everywhere.”

She and her brother sat at the foot of my bed with matching worried looks in their dark eyes. The symmetry was continued by the fact that they both wore their long, dark hair loose, and they were both dressed up in black evening wear. They looked like the poster children for
Goths R Us
.

“I was just walking around,” I lied as I stepped away from the door. I did my best to keep my voice even in spite my racing pulse. “I can't just stay shut up in this room all of the time.”

“If you were just walking around the halls we would have found you,” Alaric countered. “We looked everywhere.”

“I don't see why it's any of your business, either way,” I snapped, feeling like my nerves were about to snap as well. I thought about what Maya had said. Could I really trust any of them?

“Something has happened,” Sophie said calmly, though it was an obvious effort for her to not snap back at me. “Estus called a gathering this evening to tell us.”

So that's why the halls had been so empty. “And I was the only one not invited?” I asked, though in truth I didn't mind the exclusion.

“You tell her,” Sophie growled at Alaric. As she stood, she turned to me and said, “You really shouldn't be so impossible when people are trying to help you.” With that she left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Alaric stood as well, but it was to walk closer to me. I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly feeling more nervous than I had been while running back to my room.

Alaric circled me like a predator. “Estus has asked us to search for something. It's very important.”

I turned with Alaric, trying to keep him in my sights. “And what something is that?”

“It's a small charm,” he replied as he stopped to run a finger delicately down the side of my neck.

I was finding it hard to breathe, but managed to glare at him regardless. 

“He's asked me to speak with you,” he went on. “Estus believes that you of all people can find the thing he's looking for. He'd like your help.”

My breath caught in my throat. It was just like Maya had said. “Why me?” I pressed, curious to see if he would give me the same explanation that Maya had.

“I'm not sure,” Alaric answered, surprising me. “But Estus is Doyen of this clan, and when he asks, I obey.” There was a tightness around his eyes as he said the latter, making me think that he wasn't entirely happy with the arrangement.

I took a step back, effectively putting myself out of reach. “And what is so special about this charm?”

“That is not for us to know,” he replied. His brow creased a little further.

I crossed my arms. “You don't like taking orders, do you?”

Alaric smiled bitterly. “No one likes taking orders, but these are the times we live in. We are not free to choose our own paths as we once were. Estus says find this elusive thing, and I must find it. He says use Madeline, and I must use you.”

“Well I'm not going to help find it until I know what it is,” I replied hotly, “and I don't like the idea of being
used
. I'm not a tool.”

Alaric closed the distance between us again. “This is how things work, Maddy. It's how they have always worked. We are all just tools in our little microcosm.”

How they had always worked? Not according to Maya.

I held my ground as Alaric once again stepped forward to invade my personal space. “Don't lie to me,” I said evenly.

Alaric smiled again, but this time it was sad. “It's how things work
now
,” he corrected, “and how they have worked for a very long time.”

I stood rigid, refusing to move. “Define
a very long time.
”

“For as long as I've been around,” he answered cryptically. “I've known no other way.” He grabbed a lock of my hair and began twirling it around his finger. “And I don't see it changing any time soon.”

“And how long have you been around?” I asked softly, the speed of my breathing making it hard to speak. Maya had claimed that Sivi was several centuries old. That meant that any of the Vaettir might be older than I'd originally guessed.

He leaned in close and whispered, “Long enough.”

I opened my mouth to ask more, but Alaric gently pushed his hand under my chin to shut my jaw. He then used that hand to guide my face up toward him. He kissed me, and with all of the anticipation I had suffered, I was a little shocked.

Alaric took my lack of resistance as an invitation and kissed me hard enough to bruise. I took the opportunity to do something I'd been itching to do since I'd met him, and slid my hands up under his shirt to feel the smooth skin underneath. I had so many unanswered questions, but I couldn't seem to pull myself away long enough to ask them.

Washed away on a wave of anxiety and fear, my palms smoothed over his chest nearly up to his throat. As the kiss intensified, I drew my hands down to either side to caress the bones of his ribcage. Suddenly I slid my hands back out of his shirt and pulled away from the kiss, surprised and embarrassed by my actions.

He placed his hands around my waist and pulled me closer, then kissed a gentle line down my throat, leaving a pleasant, burning sensation in the wake of his kisses.

My thoughts raced, telling me that I shouldn't trust Alaric to touch me, but my doubts were outweighed by the fact that it had been a very long time since I'd been touched. I hadn't been with a man since Matthew.
Matthew.
The sobering thought stopped me, and I was able to pull away completely.

Alaric let his hands fall from me, and I regretted the loss as soon as it happened. His dark eyes observed me curiously. In his eyes I saw the remnants of the heat from just a moment before, but also some sort of sadness that I didn't understand. The sudden loss of heat left me with only cold memories.

“I killed the last man I was with,” I blurted out, as if it explained everything.

Alaric nodded and raised his hands as if to touch me again. “You will not be able to kill me in the same way.”

“Someone told me that I could still harm the weak of will, even if they are Vaettir,” I countered, crossing my arms and pulling farther away.

Alaric smirked as he let his hands fall back to his sides. “And you believe me weak of will?” he asked playfully.

I turned my nose up at him. “I don't know you well enough to judge,” I answered. “Which is another reason why we shouldn't be doing this.”

Alaric smiled and raised his hands in an
I give up
gesture. “In that case, I will have to leave the next move to you.”

Despite his statement, he stepped close to me so that his chest touched my crossed arms.

“I'm tired,” I lied, stepping away from his touch once again, and feeling instant regret just as I had before. Hadn't I been wanting him to kiss me again? I chastised myself for ever giving in to
that
fantasy. I barely knew him. He had been kind and protective, if a bit of a pain in the ass, but he was also one of the people holding me captive, even if I was now mostly willing.

Alaric nodded again and turned to leave. He looked back and reached out a hand like he might say something, then let it drop. He left the room without another word.

I regretted everything as soon as the door was shut. I regretted the kiss, and I regretted ending it. Being alone with only memories was a terrible thing, even if it was the thing that I was used to.

If I'd known what I was sooner, Matthew wouldn't have died. If I'd been raised among the Vaettir from the start, maybe I'd have had some idea on how to live my life. Maybe I'd actually know how to have a normal romance with someone. My ifs were more torturous than James or any of the other Vaettir could ever be.

Even as I half-wished that Alaric would come back, Maya's words still rung clearly in my mind. I didn't fully trust her, but she'd given me enough doubt that I didn't trust anyone else either.

I couldn't trust Alaric with my heart, just as I couldn't place my fate in Estus' hands. There was nothing I could do about Alaric, so I'd focus on Estus. If I could find what he was looking for without him or Alaric knowing, then I would have the upper hand. It was time to stop being such a willing prisoner.