Bittersweet (31 page)

 By
then, he was hard again. So she climbed up and straddled his hips, lowering
herself onto his length.

She
rocked over him as Adam lifted his hands to cup her face. And her heart felt
like it might overflow as she saw in his expression love, pleasure, need, desire,
and something akin to awe. “I love you, baby. So much.”

Turning
her head slightly, she pressed a kiss on his palm. “I love you too.”

She
rode him slowly, holding his hands up to her face and kissing them
occasionally. But eventually her body’s needs took over and she bounced above
him as he bucked up into her. She came just before he did, and her cry of
pleasure was just as loud and uncontrolled as his was.

She
collapsed over him afterwards, and his arms tightened almost fiercely around
her. For a long time, the only sound in the room was their urgent panting.

His
body was as hot as a radiator, softened with the intensity of his release. Her
own body shaped itself to his, and she occasionally reached up to stroke his
face.

It
always took Adam a long time to recover his power of speech after sex with her,
so she didn’t even try to talk until his arms had loosened and he’d shifted
beneath her. She adjusted, so she wasn’t completely on top of him.

His
eyes were focused, and he was looking down at her.

“Hi,”
she said, smiling at him, tired but almost overwhelmed with joy.

He
smiled back. “Hi.”

“I’ll
be right back.” She got up and went to the bathroom to clean herself up a bit.
When she returned, Adam had moved to a different spot on the bed, one that
wasn’t quite so wet.

She
turned off the lights and climbed into bed, letting him pull her back into his
arms.

“Can
you talk?” she asked in the dark. When they’d first become intimate, she’d
sometimes tried to talk to him too soon after sex, before he was recovered enough
to focus. It hadn’t been a good thing. So now she always asked him first.

“Yes.”
He kissed her hair.

“How
soon can you move in with us?”

“I’ll
get things started tomorrow. The sooner the better, as far as I’m concerned.”

She
gave a silly little giggle. “Me too.”

They
were silent for a long time, and she imagined living together with him,
imagined how happy Logan would be, how they could settle into a life together.

At
one point, she got so excited that she squeezed Adam without warning, causing
him to huff.

“Sorry,”
she said, “I’m just so happy.”

When
he didn’t respond, she tried to peer at him in the dark. He reached over to
palm her cheek. “I am too. I can’t even…”

He
didn’t finish, but she knew what he meant. He was so happy he couldn’t even
begin to express it.  Sometimes it frightened her that Adam’s feelings ran so
deep, that his nature was so intense. He could be overwhelming, all consuming.
But the depth of his feelings didn’t frighten her tonight.

It
just made her feel safe.

He
was so different than Josh. Loving him was different than Josh. And it seemed
some sort of miracle that she was allowed this sort of happiness twice.

“Adam?”
she asked, knowing he was still awake.

“What
is it?” His voice was serious. He must have recognized her shift in mood.

“Did
Josh know? About your feelings, I mean.”

He
didn’t answer immediately. Then, “He did.”

“How
did he know?” For some reason, she wasn’t shocked or upset. It just seemed a
truth that answered so many unspoken questions.

“He
guessed. I never admitted it to him. But we had a few conversations early on,
when he first started to date you. I was asking about how it had happened—how
you and him had ended up together so quickly. I was assuming—I was hoping—that
it wasn’t serious between you. And he…he guessed.”

“What
did he say?”

“He
was angry. And territorial. I don’t blame him. I think it…got in the way of our
relationship.”

Zoe
released a long breath. “I wish it hadn’t.”

“I
wish it hadn’t too. But things were starting to get better between us, at the
end. He must have realized I was never going to act on my feelings, that I
respected him and you and your marriage. It was…it was better near the end.”

She
kissed his shoulder. “I’m glad.”

She
wasn’t sure she should push for more information, since this was such a
sensitive topic.

But
after a few minutes, Adam said without prompting, “He asked me to take care of
you and Logan.”

“I
know,” she said, swallowing hard. “You told me.”

“He
told me that, no matter what it took, I should make sure you and Logan were happy.”

Thinking
about her husband, so sick and weak at the end of his life, saying such a
thing, Zoe shook in a few silent sobs.

“I
told him that would always be my first priority,” Adam said, his voice hoarser
than it should have been. “I think he believed me.”

“He
did,” Zoe choked. “I’m sure he did.”

They
didn’t say anything else. They just held each other until they went to sleep.

And,
when she woke up the next morning, Zoe got to tell Logan that Uncle Lala was moving
in with them for good.

“Hi, Dada,”
Logan said, his brown eyes wide and earnest and a dribble of juice dotting his
tan t-shirt.  “F’ows for you.”

When
Zoe gave him an encouraging smile and nod, Logan leaned over and meticulously
placed a little bunch of daisies on the grave, just near the stone marker. He’d
picked the daisies out himself from the flower market earlier because he’d
loved the bright yellow color.

After
admiring the placement of his flowers, Logan turned back to look up at Zoe
again. “Dada love Lo-gen,” he said. He was just repeating words she told him
every time they visited Josh’s grave, but she thought maybe he understood them.

If
he didn’t yet, she knew one day he would. And she hoped it would mean something
to him that his father had loved him so much.

“Yes,”
she said, stooping down beside the little boy so she was on his level. “Your
daddy loved you. He can’t be with us anymore, but he loved you more than
anything.”

Logan
stared at her face, as if he were mulling over this piece of information. Then
he gave a little nod and launched himself at her in a hug, almost knocking her
over from her unsteady crouch. “Momma love!”

Zoe
laughed and hugged the boy back. “Yes, Mommy loves you too.”

When
she released him, Logan turned around, his face beaming with his smile. He bounced
a few steps over and gave Adam’s legs an enthusiastic embrace. “Un-cla Lala
love!”

Adam
was smiling, with something soft in his eyes, something he rarely expressed
outside the walls of their home. He reached down and lifted Logan up, hugging
him so tightly Zoe was afraid it might hurt the boy. “Yes, I love you too.”

Logan
giggled with good spirits. When he started to wriggle, Adam let him down and he
began running circles around the grave.

Zoe
didn’t mind. She didn’t want Logan to feel like the cemetery where his father
was buried was a sober, intimidating, or unnatural place. It was very early on
a Sunday morning, and no one else was around.

Logan
could play if he wanted to.

“Pine-kines?”
Logan asked, gesturing enthusiastically toward a copse of trees not far away.

Zoe
chuckled. “Yes, you can go find some pinecones if you want.”

“See
if you can find a really big one for me,” Adam added. He looked adorable and
just slightly geeky in his wrinkled khakis and camp shirt.

Thrilled
with this mission, Logan took off at a run toward the trees, falling once on
his way but simply hefting himself up and continuing his spring, almost without
pausing.

Zoe
straightened up and stepped back so she was standing next to Adam. When he
handed her the bunch of white tulips he’d been holding for her, she stepped
over to lay them on the grave next to Logan’s yellow daisies. She looked at the
two bunches of flowers, the colors bright against the dirt. Then she kissed the
tips of her fingers and pressed them gently on the stone marker.

On
the marker was engraved Josh's name and the years of his life. And beneath it
was one word. “Loved.”

A
tear had streamed down her cheek when she got up to stand next to Adam again.
He watched her face closely and reached out to brush the tear away with his
thumb.

“You
don’t mind, do you?” she asked, leaning against him and warmed when he wrapped
one arm around her. “That we come here with Logan?”

“Of
course not. Of course I don’t mind.”

“And
it doesn’t bother you that Logan doesn’t call you Daddy?” she asked, peering up
at his face. After holding back for so long, Adam would always be slightly
reserved, and she tried very hard to make sure he wasn’t troubled by things he
didn’t want to tell her.

He
shook his head and leaned down to brush a kiss against her hair. And, as he
spoke, his eyes were on Logan who had collected a whole armful of pinecones.
“No. It really doesn't.”

“You
know he loves you and looks at you like a father. We’re a family for real.” She
looked down at ring—a diamond solitaire on an engraved platinum band—that Adam
had given her last week with a proposal of marriage. She couldn't help but
smile at the sight of the ring on her hand.

But
then she added, “I just don’t want Josh to be…to be forgotten.”

“Zoe,
I understand. I’ve always understood. I’m happy as things are. I loved Josh
too.”

She
wrapped her arms around him, her heart almost too full to bear, but she was
smiling when she pulled out of the hug. “Do you have any idea how much I love
you?”

Adam’s
eyes warmed deliciously. “I’d have no objections to your telling me again. Or
showing me, for that matter.”

She
chuckled and stretched up to kiss him. “The showing will have to wait until
later.”

Adam
gave a huff of warm amusement as they walked together toward where Logan was
running to them with so many pinecones they kept spilling over his arms.

“Are
you ready to go get on Uncle Adam’s sailboat?” Zoe asked, pitching her voice to
convey excitement. It was the first time Logan would be sailing with them, and
she really hoped he’d enjoy it.

Logan
stopped in his tracks, so abruptly it was almost comical. “Say-boat!” he
exclaimed, throwing up his hands in anticipation and, in the process, tossing
all of his collected pinecones so they fell in a prickly downfall around him.

The
three of them started back toward the car, and Logan reached up for Adam’s
hand. Zoe glanced back at the bright flowers on her first husband’s grave.

He’d
died two years ago today.

Adam
had paused when she’d glanced over her shoulder, waiting for her to turn back.
And, when she did, he reached out without speaking and slid his arm around her
waist as they walked.

Then,
“Do you know which ancient culture first invented the sailboat?” Adam asked.

“Say-boat!”
Logan’s happy voice burst in echo.

Zoe
couldn’t help but laugh, knowing they were whole, healed—with no more holding
back—at last.

About
the Author

Noelle handwrote her
first romance novel in a spiral-bound notebook when she was twelve, and she
hasn’t stopped writing since. She has lived in eight different states and
currently resides in Virginia, where she teaches English, reads any book she
can get her hands on, and offers tribute to a very spoiled cocker spaniel.

She
loves travel, art, history, and ice cream. After spending far too many years of
her life in graduate school, she has decided to reorient her priorities and
focus on writing contemporary romances. For more information, please check out
her website: noelle-adams.com