Bittersweet Chronicles: Pax (24 page)

“He’s been my hero since the day he was born,” I tell her quietly. “You probably know that I’m an alcoholic.”

She nods, her gaze steadfast.

“I relapsed right around the time my wife got pregnant with Pax, and while I was still fighting my way back, I found out I was going to be a dad for the first time. I made a promise to myself then, a promise that meant more than any I’d made to therapists or AA groups or even to Tammy. I promised myself that I would never let my son see the alcoholic in me. That guy will always be in there, but I swore he’d stay hidden for the rest of my life so that Pax would never know him.”

“And you kept your promise?” she asks even though the look on her face tells me that she knows I have.

“Yes. So you can see that Pax is
my
hero. He saved me. By coming into this world and being my son, he taught me to love something more than myself, something more than my addiction.”

Carly is quiet for a moment, biting her lower lip as she wrings her hands on her lap. I can feel Vaughn’s presence behind her as he waits patiently in case she needs him. It’s a lot like the way Pax is with Lyric, and I feel a twinge again for what Vaughn has been through in these last few days.

“I wish my dad had loved me like that,” she finally says.

And whatever pieces of my heart are still glued together break apart. I’m left clutching the denim of my pants with fists that cannot convey the rage I feel for a man I never knew who would do something so inhuman to the gift he’d been given—his own child.

“He was a gambling addict,” she continues, “and he never hid it from me. He made me live it with him. He’s the real reason why all of this”—she sweeps her arm around to indicate the hospital waiting room, her wheel chair, the pain all of us are in—“has happened.”

Then she looks up at Vaughn. “I’m sorry,” she tells him. “I didn’t want to hear you say it—the truth about who he was—but deep down, I’ve always known. He loved his addiction more than he loved me.” Her jaw tenses as a new spark enters her eyes. “I loved him because he was my dad, but he was a pretty pathetic human being all the way around.”

Vaughn leans down and puts a hand on Carly’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, C. I never meant to talk badly about him. He did love you. He was just a weak guy with a lot of problems.”

“And it’s okay for you to love him,” I tell her. “I don’t think you can ever go wrong with love.”

Then the whole room goes silent as a cacophony erupts outside the door.

“I’m telling you, I’m Tammy Clark and I want to see my son this minute!”

“Shit,” Mike croaks out.

I glance over at Joss, and his countenance is grim, but he flashes me a look that says he’s got my back, and I know he does. He’s the only other person on this planet who understands Tammy the way I do. My wife is a beautiful, difficult woman who loves with a passion that is unparalleled. And finding out what’s happened to her baby boy might just break her.

Joss and I stand at the same time, and Beth gives his hand a squeeze. She’s spent enough time around Tammy to know that this is going to be hard too.

I look down at Carly one last time. “You’re about to meet my wife, and I’ll just tell you right now that the next few hours aren’t going to be pretty, but I hope you can forgive her when it’s over. This is all very hard for her. She’s the world’s best mother. She really is.”

Carly nods. “I understand,” she whispers, and for some reason, I think she really does.

I stride to the door and wrench it open just as I hear Tammy launch into another tirade. Ethan is looking torn between leaving his post outside the door and going to where Tammy is arguing with a nurse midway down the hall.

“I got her,” I tell him, and he nods, stepping out into the middle of the hall so he can watch the door and me at the same time.

I’m halfway to her when she turns and sees me, virtually flying to close the distance between us. She throws her arms around my neck and breaks into sobs.

“Oh my God, Walsh. Oh my God. When I landed at the airport, the police said he’d been hurt and he’s in the hospital, but they wouldn’t tell me anything else. Then I get here and these stupid nurses wouldn’t let me see him.”

I try to give the nurse behind Tammy a small smile and mouth, “I’m sorry.”

She shrugs and walks back to the desk.

“It’s okay now, sweetheart. I’m here,” I whisper as I stroke Tammy’s silken hair. “Let’s go sit down and I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”

I step back and take her hand to lead her to the waiting room. Her mascara is running down her cheeks, and she’s as pale as the hospital walls.

“Walsh,” she rasps out, her voice shaky and low. “Where is Pax?”

“He’s here, and they’re helping him. Come on. Everyone you need is right this way.”

She looks up at me and I see the moment when she realizes that this is indeed as bad as she’s feared. She gives one sharp nod, and I put my arm around her shoulders as she slumps against me, nearly unable to support her own weight. Then we walk to the waiting room and I tell her what’s happened.

Even though this day has been filled with horrifying moments, watching my strong, tough-as-nails wife when her spirit finally breaks is one of the worst. Her rage in the hall turns to pure pain in the waiting room, and eventually, cried out and exhausted, she sits on my lap, unable to get close enough any other way. Her head is against my shoulder, her arms tucked tight around my middle, as she stares at the clock on the wall.

At some point, all of us fall silent, the hours ticking by until I realize we’ve been here the entire day. The staff has been nice enough to bring in some food and sodas since we can’t really walk into the cafeteria without causing a riot, and there’ve been a few bathroom breaks, but mostly, we’ve made small talk, staring at one another, trying not to imagine the worst.

Beth took Carly back to her room in the middle of the afternoon so she could rest a while, but when several more hours passed and they still hadn’t heard from us, Carly asked to come back. So she’s sitting in her wheelchair, reading a magazine, with Beth on one side and Vaughn on her other.

Mike and Joss have played cards, tried to chat with Tammy, and each taken a few phone calls from everyone at home. I spoke with Lyric and tried to boost her spirits, but Tammy just shook her head when I offered her the phone. I realize now that, if Pax doesn’t make it, my own pain will be the least of my worries. I’m not sure Tammy can live through this.

It’s almost exactly seven hours after I first walked into the hospital, my son on a gurney in front of me, when the door to the waiting room finally opens and a petite, auburn-haired doctor strolls in. Her movements are quick and sharp, and her expression is as well. She doesn’t even hesitate as she approaches me while I’m standing, setting Tammy on her feet at the same time.

“Mr. Clark?” she asks.

“Yes,” I answer, my entire chest nearly collapsing as I speak.

“I have some news about your son.”

Part VI

Carly

The lights on the monitors blink in the same pattern endlessly, and I often lose track of time when I’m here, sitting for minutes or hours—it doesn’t seem to matter much. Today, though, I’m watching the clock as the second hand twitches along.  Pax has been in a coma for seven days now, and it’s a turning point, one of those seemingly arbitrary medical moments doctors say are important. Statistically, his chances of waking up decline after seven days. There are eleven hours, forty-six minutes, and thirteen seconds left in today. Then he will be past the seven-day mark. Then the chances of him waking up are smaller. Then my heart will break a little more.

We’ve all developed a routine already—in just one week—each of us taking certain times of the day, each of us doing our own special thing with him while we wait.

Pax’s dad, Walsh, spends the night, sleeping on the uncomfortable fold-out chair alongside the bed. He’s the sweetest, most considerate guy I’ve ever met. Almost old-fashioned in the way he treats Pax’s mom, Tammy. He has the most expensive hotel room in town and he insists she go back there each night so that she can rest while he stays here and I’m sure gets a few hours at best, because nurses come and go and the machines blink and beep all the time.

Tammy arrives at about eight every morning, and after she and Walsh have breakfast together, he goes back to the hotel to shower and change. He’s usually back by ten, and then Joss and Mike show up. That’s when Vaughn and I come as well. I was released two days ago, and Walsh insisted that Vaughn, Aunt Beth, and I stay at Pax’s condo so we don’t have to pay for a hotel. Aunt Beth has to go back to Portland soon, and she doesn’t want to leave without me, but I don’t think I can leave without Pax. 

Lunches with Pax are mine. Walsh is very careful about making sure Tammy gets enough rest and eats regularly. I guess, at some point in her life, she had some emotional problems and not eating enough is one of the things she defaults to in times of stress. They take the guys and go out to eat every day. Walsh convinced her to go the first day by promising that I’d stay with Pax while they were gone. Tammy doesn’t ever want him left without someone from the “family.” She contends that he could wake up at any second and he needs to see a face that loves him first thing. She’s fierce, but I have to admire how much she loves her people. I can even see it when she bickers with Mike, who I admit isn’t the easiest guy to like. She gives him hell, but they’re really tight at the same time. I guess he really is like a brother to her.

So, ever since that first day, I’ve been the lunch monitor. Today, the sun is shining, and I make sure to open the curtains enough so that the light spills onto his bed and he can feel the warmth. Then I sit on the edge of his bed, watch the clock, and talk to him.

“I missed you last night,” I tell him as I hold his hand. “I watched Samurai Unbound. Not the best of the genre, but you would have loved this one scene where the hero cut off the villain’s topknot and used it as a gag before he beheaded the dude. It was so bloody.”

Pax stirs a bit, his eyelids fluttering for a moment. I learned not to get too excited by this within the first couple of days. It happens pretty regularly.

“Aunt Beth is going to have to go back to Portland soon, Pax. And the doctors here have cleared me to travel. She wants me to go with her.” I take a deep breath and then whisper, “I don’t want to leave you like this. I need you to wake up. I need to tell you how sorry I am. I need to know if there’s any chance at all that you still care about me.”

I feel a tear spill over and run down one cheek. The weepiness that started after my surgery hasn’t abated. I’ve become a driveling mess for whole portions of every day. I hate it.

I spend the next hour reading Pax some of the articles from his favorite guitar magazine. He’s really into the design and building of guitars. He said that he’d like to try to make his own guitar someday. I’m just finishing this month’s cover article when Vaughn comes in. He must not have gone out to lunch with the rest of the group.

“Hey,” he says softly as he approaches the bed. “What are you reading?”

“Guitar Craft,” I answer. “A new issue came out yesterday.”

I think Walsh and Vaughn have taken Pax’s condition the hardest of anyone. Both of them blame themselves. Walsh thinks that he left Pax alone down here in Alabama two years ago and neglected his parental duties. Vaughn thinks that his argument with Pax the night he was kidnapped drove Pax straight into danger. I think they’re both wrong. I was the one who brought Lagazo to Pax’s doorstep. This is all on me, and it always has been. That’s why I’m determined to get him to wake up. I have to tell him that I’m sorry, and then I have to thank him for being the best friend I’ve ever had.

“Any more news from the doctors today?” he asks.

“No, but I think they’re doing some sort of assessment this afternoon.”

He nods his head and walks to the windows to look out just as Mike comes in.

“Hey,” Vaughn says, giving Mike a chin tip.

“Any changes?” Mike asks as he stands over Pax’s bed and looks at him thoughtfully.

“No,” I answer. “But he’s going to wake up soon. He has to.”

Mike’s brow furrows, and then he looks at me. “You’re staying at his place?”

“Yeah. Walsh asked us to.”

“His guitar over there?”

I nod. “I think so. He has a few, I’m sure at least one of them is there.”

“Good. Can you bring that by for me? Maybe later this afternoon?”

Vaughn has turned away from the window and is watching Mike carefully.

“We’ll go grab it right now,” he says. His eyes lock with Mike’s for a moment, and I can tell they’re communicating something I don’t understand.

“Let’s go, Carly,” Vaughn commands.

I sigh. I still think my cousin is a bossy jerk sometimes, but I comply, leaning down and giving Pax a light kiss on the forehead before I go.

“You’ll stay with him until Tammy comes back?” I ask Mike. “You know she doesn’t want him to be alone.”

He gives me a small smile. “I know all about Mama D. I’ve never left her boy alone yet. I won’t start now.”

I nod and let Vaughn lead me out of the room.

**

Walsh

My wife is holding it together better than I would have predicted. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far, Tammy is in control. I’ve made sure she’s talked to the doctor back in Portland to see if she needs to go back on medication, but the doc says that he trusts her to speak up if she needs the help. She’s briefly been on antidepressants a few times over the years, but it’s been a very long time since the last round. I feel the pressure increase each day Pax remains unconscious though. She’s running on sheer faith right now, and I’m not sure how much longer she can hold on to that.

I spend every night with my boy. I try to sleep, but mostly, I’m wide-awake, watching his every movement and the various monitors and screens that litter his bedside. When the doctors talked to us after his surgery, they said that they expected him to regain consciousness in the first twenty-four hours. When that didn’t happen, they did scans of his brain activity. So far, they’ve found nothing that indicates there’s been any damage to his brain. This coma is his body’s way of trying to heal, but the longer it goes on, the less chance he’ll pull off that recovery.