Bizarre History

INTRODUCTION
Village Idiots and Foundering Fathers

Thoughts about History
(from people smarter than me)

Our Fearless Leaders

When Things Were Rotten

“History” and Other Lies

War Stories

Historical Moments

Resources

Index

W
henever I contemplate history, I imagine a dusty old guy with whiskers, a pipe, and a long, boring story that I’m going to be forced to listen to … and memorize. In fact, before I started this book, I had little idea of the depth and breadth of history’s personality. History, you see, is actually a scandalous gossip and a born liar, prone to hyperbole and drunken outbursts. History parties hard and says rude things to the neighbors. Perhaps most of all, history is weird, bizarre, and (once you get rid of all the parts that you’re only supposed to know because “it’s good for you”) fascinating!

Think of this book as history’s unauthorized biography (preferably by Kitty Kelley)—all the juicy bits without the historical relevance getting in the way of a good time. I mean, it’s all well and good that the Founding Fathers founded whatever it is they founded; however, it’s tremendous fun reading about how they foundered! Or what about the first balloon flight? It was a truly poignant moment in humankind’s history (blah, blah, blah), but what’s really cool is what happened when the cameras stopped rolling (I know, no cameras back then, but work with me here): The balloon landed miles away in a small village, and the locals, thinking they were being attacked by an airborne monster, tore it to pieces, tied it to the tail of a horse, and paraded the conquered beast up and down the road. Now
that’s
history one can get excited about! Why? Not because those villagers were idiots (no matter what I call them), but because this totally awesome tidbit doesn’t usually make it into the footnotes of history textbooks. And that’s too bad, because those villagers’ actions tell us just as much about eighteenth century France as the actual balloon launch.

The stories I selected for
Bizarre History
don’t attempt to make sense of the past, but they do show us how far we’ve come and the long journey we have yet before us.

Just kidding!

But seriously, we can learn from history—even this drunken stepchild of history that revels in our foolish behavior over the thousands of years in which we’ve been taking notes as well as in the silly things we believe to be true today.

I
n William Dean Howells’s book
My Mark Twain,
he recounts a conversation with Twain about history. Howells said, “I wonder why we hate the past so.” Twain responded, “It’s so damned humiliating.”

“The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.”—Mark Twain

“That generations of historians have resorted to what might be called ‘proof by haphazard quotation’ does not make the procedure valid or reliable; it only makes it traditional.”—Lee Benson, social historian

“History is a myth that men agree to believe.”—Napoleon Bonaparte

“History is the distillation of rumour.”—Thomas Carlyle, nineteenth-century Scottish writer

“I don’t believe the truth will ever be known, and I have a great contempt for history.”—George Meade, American philosopher

“Myth, memory, history—these are three alternative ways to capture and account for an elusive past, each with its own persuasive claim.”—Warren I. Susman, historian

“History in general is a collection of crimes, follies, and misfortunes among which we have now and then met with a few virtues, and some happy times.”—Voltaire

“[Some historians hold that history] is just one damned thing after another.”—Arnold Toynbee, twentieth-century historian

“History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren’t there.”—George Santayana, philosopher

“History: An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.”—Ambrose Bierce, writer

“For what is history, but … huge libel on human nature, to which we industriously add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were holding up a monument to the honor, rather than the infamy of our species.”—Washington Irving “The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.”—L. P. Hartley, writer

“History: gossip well told.”—Elbert Hubbard, writer

“God cannot alter the past, though historians can.”—Samuel Butler, nineteenth-century writer

“Most history is guessing, and the rest is prejudice.”—Will and Ariel Durant, writers

S
ometimes they were chosen by the people. Other times, by God (or so they say). Or they might have fought their way to the top. However it happened, a handful of people in the history of the world have ended up leading the rest of us. And these kings, queens, dictators, presidents, and more haven’t always acted in the best interests of the people. (Now
there’s
a resounding understatement!) Sometimes they’re corrupt, demented, or delusional. Or, they’re crazy beyond belief.

In fact, history provides many, many (too many) examples of leaders acting in ways that would not adhere to any societal norms. Now, it’s one thing if our Aunt Ida has a screw loose; that just means we have to keep her away from the expensive china during holidays. It’s a whole other thing if Aunt Ida is a prime minister, president, dictator, senator, queen, etc. Suddenly, her propensity for making her seventeen cats wear miniature hiking boots takes on a new significance. One would think that there were and are systems in place for keeping people like Aunt Ida from running large countries (or even small ones). But if you thought that, you’d be wrong.

So here you have it: the funny, frightening, bizarre, and dysfunctional lives of the people who run the world for us. (God help us all.)

How nice to lead your country well and be bestowed with a nickname for eternity. For all intents and purposes, Catherine was indeed pretty great, and William sure did a lot to earn his moniker of “Conqueror.” But what if you weren’t so great and conquering?

Charles the Simple ruled France from 898–922. He was the son of Louis the Stammerer. He succeeded his cousin, Charles the Fat.

Ethelred the Unready (983–1016) gained his name for his inability to protect England from the Vikings, even though he had several years to prepare.

Louis XV ruled France from 1715–1774. At first he was known as the Well Beloved after nearly dying in 1744. However, his ineffective rule, which was a contributing factor to the French Revolution, and penchant for young women (he had affairs with several women, including five sisters) led to his new nickname by the time of his death: Louis the Well Hated.