Black Tide Rising - eARC (12 page)

“This is how I find out you’re a liberal.”

“This isn’t a political position. I’m just saying overconfidence is a killer.”

“Lady Gaga.”

“You’re talking about someone who once dressed herself in
meat
.”

“So that’s a ‘no.’”

“I’m laying long odds. Who else?”

“Look who is actually enjoying himself.”

“I’m both surprising and disgusting myself with how much I seem to know about all these people.”

“Do you want to do any politicians?”

“Oh, let’s not. We got dangerously close to politics with Ted Nugent.”

“Fine. Writers?”

“Lunch meat. All of them.”

“Wow. That’s dark.”

“They write fine. But it’s sedentary work. I went to a couple of conventions in my time. I know what I saw.”

“Back to real celebrities, then. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.”

“Brad, dead. Angelina survives.”

“You would think that zombie film would have given him some training.”

“No. He was Hollywood tough, not actual tough. But think of everything Angelina’s been through. Double mastectomy. Turbulent early years. Billy Bob Thornton. That’s one tough woman. I wouldn’t bet against her.”

“Batman.”

“What?”

“Batman.”

“Batman’s not a celebrity.”

“Batman’s not famous? Batman’s not known worldwide? Batman’s not instantly recognizable?”

“Batman is all these things, yes.”

“Then he’s a celebrity. So: Batman.”

“
However
, Batman is fictional.”

“So?”

“What do you mean, ‘so’? So, you can’t go mixing up fictional and non-fictional celebrities.”

“Why not?”

“It’s against the rules.”

“There are rules to this?”

“Yes, there are rules. I’m making the rules right now. Rule number one: No mixing the fictional and non-fictional.”

“Fine. The rule takes effect
after
you answer the question. Batman.”

“Of course Batman survives. He’s
Batman
.”

“Then George Clooney did survive. Because he was Batman.”

“No. Not
that
Batman. Any Batman with nipples on his Batsuit was eaten first.”

“First?”

“Yes. Even before Lars Ulrich.”

“Hmmm. Tough but fair. I’ll allow it.”

“You better.”

“I wonder if celebrities play this same game. If they’re off on their islands going ‘Huh, I wonder if George Clooney made it.’”

“No. They’re all dead.”

“But you were just saying which ones made it out alive.”

“I was humoring you.”

“…I don’t think I want to play this game with you anymore.”

“Then I win. Now keep looking.”

* * *

“There.”

“Where?”

“In the trees. By the road.”

“There are a lot of trees by the road, Keith. Be more specific.”

“In the trees, by the road, about a hundred yards out.”

“Which
side
of the road.”

“To our left.”

“…I don’t see anything.”

“There was movement there. I heard it and I saw it.”

“You see that chest?”

“Yeah.”

“Open it and take out the night vision binoculars.”

“We’ve had night vision goggles this whole time?”

“Yes. We don’t use them unless we have to because they don’t exactly make batteries for them anymore, do they.”

“The next zombie apocalypse I attend, I want it to keep a manufacturing base.”

“Cute. Take a look where you heard the sound. Tell me what you see.”

“I don’t know how to turn on these binoculars.”

“And you were wondering why I wouldn’t let you use the rifle.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“It’s kind of the same thing. Give them here.”

“I don’t appreciate being made to feel incompetent.”

“It’s not a feeling. You actually are incompetent.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s not meant to be an insult. There are lots of things I’m not competent in.”

“Do any of those things have to do with surviving a post-collapse hellscape?”

“Not so far.”

“This doesn’t help me feel better, then.”

“Sorry.”

“Do you see anything?”

“No…yes.”

“What?”

“Two deer.”

“What are they doing?”

“They doing what deer do. They’re standing around looking surprised that they exist in the world.”

“I don’t think it was just deer.”

“I’m seeing deer.”

“You were the one who said you were worried about runners.”

“I am worried about runners. I’m not seeing any. I’m seeing deer.”

“It’s possible you made me a little paranoid by mentioning the runners earlier.”

“It’s not paranoia. It’s a healthy reaction to the fact that runners exist.”

“I remember the first time I saw one.”

“Everyone does. What’s your story?”

“A pack of them coming down my street.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid in my kid’s treehouse for two days.”

“…You had a kid.”

“Yeah. Might still have. She was with her mom when this all went down. In Arizona. We’d been divorced for about a year and a half. She got custody. I get visits.”

“Sorry.”

“About the divorce and custody thing?”

“No, but that too.”

“Don’t be. It got bad at the end. She had family out west, she moved back there, and I didn’t want to make a scene. She was living with her dentist finance the last I heard.”

“Still rough.”

“Yeah. Anyway, by that time the phones and Internet were already gone. I don’t know how they’re doing.”

“I’m sure they made it.”

“I’d like to think so. Well, except for the dentist. I hope that fucker got eaten.”

“Huh.”

“I know. Not very nice of me.”

“No. I see something else.”

“What?”

“Shhhhhh.”

“Why do people always tell you ‘shhhh’ when they trying to look at something?”

“Quiet!”

“Mmmmph.”

“Well, shit.”

“What is it?”

“Definitely not deer this time.”

“You’re killing me over here, Jim.”

“It’s human-shaped.”

“You could be more specific.”

“Too far away to be more specific.”

“What’s it doing?”

“At the moment it’s standing there.”

“It could be an actual person.”

“Scavenging crews aren’t seeing too many actual people anymore.”

“A scurrier, then.”

“Maybe. Maybe.”

“What are you doing?”

“Remember when I told you that there were options other than shooting runners?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to show you one of the options. Here, put these back in the chest and get me out the garage door opener.”

“You’re going to open a garage door?”

“No, you idiot. I’m going to use the garage door opener to activate something else.”

“What?”

“You’ll see. There’s another pair of binoculars in the chest, too. A regular pair this time. Get those out.”

“Here’s a garage door opener. You want the binoculars, too?”

“No, you hold on to them.”

“What do you want me to do with them?”

“I want you to watch and tell me what happens.”

“What happens when?”

“When I press this garage door opener button.”

“Holy shit!”

“Yeah.”

“What is that?”

“It’s a runner trap. We put it out there a couple of weeks ago. If one of them comes to close, we set it off. Activate it, the strobes go off and the music comes up. If it’s a scurrier, it gets the hell out. If it’s a runner, it attacks.”

“…What is that music?”

“Metallica. ‘Creeping Death.’”

“I thought you were down on Metallica.”

“The music is awesome. Individually they’re a little soft. Tell me what you’re seeing.”

“It’s definitely not running away. It’s charging toward the trap.”

“Tell me when the trap gets sprung.”

“How will I know?”

“You’ll know.”

“…Whoa.”

“Disappeared?”

“Yeah. Like it fell into a hole.”

“A moat.”

“Is it going to be able to climb out?”

“Ten feet deep. Filled with spikes.”

“So that’s a no.”

“That’s an ‘I’d be impressed.’ Let me turn off the trap.”

“…Well,
those
screams are pleasant.”

“Must not have punctured a lung.”

“You were expecting a punctured lung.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything. This is the first time we’ve gotten to use it.”

“But you were hoping for a punctured lung.”

“Well, yeah. Or a severed windpipe. The screaming could become a problem.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means maybe you should go back into the chest and bring out the night vision binoculars again.”

“I’m not one hundred percent happy with the turn events have just taken here, Jim.”

“It’ll probably be fine.”

“Which is why I’m getting out the night vision binoculars again.”

“The screaming seems to be winding down. That’s good.”

“Here.”

“Thank you.”

“I don’t think that qualifies as ‘winding down,’ by the way.”

“Quiet.”

“We’re back to that again.”

“Keith.”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to do a couple of things for me.”

“All right.”

“The first is to
quietly
go and tell The Boss it looks like we’ve got eight runners less than a hundred yards from our doorstep.”

“…
Fuck
.”

“Yeah.”

“This is on you with the ‘Creeping Death’ stunt.”

“They were there already. The one in the pit was just ahead of the rest of the pack.”

“I’m still blaming you.”

“Fine. The second thing I need you to do is go over there to the weapons shack.”

“This is where I get a gun?”

“No.”

“What the hell?”

“I want you to get out the shovel.”

“What the shit good is a shovel going to do?”

“When they start climbing up the wall, you can bash them in the head with it.”

“You’re joking.”

“I’m totally serious.”

“When I go talk to The Boss I’m going to ask for a shotgun.”

“She’s going to tell you ‘no.’”

“I’m going to ask anyway.”

“Whatever. Just go and tell her. And then get back here. Believe it or not, I need you back on this wall.”

* * *

“That’s a nice shovel.”

“Shut up, Jim.”

“What did The Boss have to say?”

“She said she’s organizing a response and that until then we hold the wall.”

“Okay.”

“I told her about the ‘Creeping Death’ thing.”

“What did she say?”

“She said she liked the choice of music.”

“She would.”

“I feel like there’s some bias going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I was not at fault for the last breach we had and you still didn’t want to stand a watch with me. And now you might be at fault for getting us overrun by a whole pack of runners, and the official response is, like, ‘cool tunes, bro.’”

“I don’t blame you for the breach.”

“You still didn’t want to stand a watch with me.”

“Do we have to talk about this now?”

“Well, I might end the night having my fucking intestines being ripped out by a pack of things that used to be accountants and GM factory workers, so yeah, if you don’t mind, let’s talk about this now.”

“Did you not hear what I said to you before you left to go talk to The Boss?”

“You told me to get the shovel.”

“I also told you to come back here.”

“I don’t remember this part.”

“I specifically said that I needed you back on this wall.”

“I must have missed it.”

“It doesn’t mean I didn’t say it.”

“I only have your word for it.”

“No you don’t, because I just said it again. Not even thirty seconds ago.”

“…You were referencing a previous alleged statement.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Keith. I’m sorry, all right?”

“Are you saying that because you mean it, or because you think I’m whining right now?”

“You want the truth?”

“Of course I want the truth.”

“Then it’s a little of both.”

“All right. That’s fair.”

“You have to admit you’re whining.”

“Maybe a little.”

“You should
not
do that.”

“It’s one of my
competencies
, Jim.”

“You’re going to make me regret that comment, aren’t you.”

“I might. I mean, if we
live
.”

“Quiet.”

“You keep telling me that…oh. What’s that?”

“Look over the backside.”

“It’s The Boss and about six others.”

“What are they doing?”

“I don’t know. They’re all armed except for Clary. He’s got a big ass boom box.”

“Did you just say ‘boom box’?”

“Yeah. So?”

“I just haven’t heard anyone use that phrase the millennium.”

“It’s back. Like bell bottoms. All right. The Boss is going to the switchbox.”

“She’s going to turn on the flood lights.”

“…Yup. There they go.”

“Come back over here, please, Keith.”

“She’s going to draw them here, isn’t she?”

“I’m guessing that’s the plan, yeah.”

“I’m not a fan of this plan.”

“I don’t think you get a vote.”

“Apparently not. I’m just an asshole with a shovel.”

“What…what the hell song is that?”

“…It’s ‘Dancing Queen.’”

“By Abba.”

“I think so.”

“We’re luring runners into attacking us with
Abba
.”

“It appears so.”

“I liked my choice better.”

“Jim, if I die to Abba, I’m coming back to haunt the
shit
out of you.”

“That’s fair. Look, here they come.”

“That looks like more than eight, Jim.”

“I saw eight. That didn’t mean there weren’t more.”

“I count at least fifteen.”

“Tell The Boss.”

“I’m guessing she already knows.”

“Tell her anyway. Don’t worry about being quiet about it.”

“Too late. They’re coming!”

“On it.”

“…Why aren’t you firing?!?”

“Not until they’re closer.”

“You want them to hit the wall?”