Black & White (Picture Perfect #1) (10 page)

Beth caught me by surprise when she spoke, I hadn't realized Mrs. Murphy had left. "William, thank you for coming, I've been so excited to show you the photos." Her voice was relaxed and mellow, compared to a few moments ago. She stepped forward, with a smile, holding her hand out. I noticed she was still wearing her wrist cuff. I assumed it must have some significant meaning for her.

Turning to face her, I thought maybe she was craving the electrifying connection between us, as much as I was. I hoped it was still there, but instinctively dreaded it too. The moment my hand wrapped around hers, I felt utterly complete. The warmth which flowed through my body was an incredible rush.

Simultaneously, I was reminded of my loss and crashed back to the ground. This was the part of seeing Beth which I hated. She could so easily make me forget what I’d lost, the reasons I was bringing up my daughter alone. I held my emotions in check, desperately clawing back my control. How could I make Beth understand how much she affected me, without hurting her?

"You just showed me the pictures yesterday," I answered in a monotone.

She took a deep breath and gently pulled her hand out of my grip. For a couple of seconds, I could see the sense of loss in her eyes. Quickly, she rebounded, returning to her usual enthusiasm. "Oh, William, the laptop doesn't show you anything. The photos are amazing. You have to see them in their full glory to really appreciate them." Her joy was contagious, she was genuinely excited about showing me her work.

"I’d love to see them." I smiled just a little when she turned away from me. She was so full of life, and clearly she was in her element.

"By the way, I'm so sorry for Wyatt's behavior yesterday," she said as I followed her down the hall.

"He's a great guy, Beth. I didn't notice anything wrong," I reassured her. It had been nice to spend time with people who didn't know about my past and feel the need to shower me with pity. It had been a refreshing change.

"Oh, good. I was worried he’d stepped over the line." She motioned me into a large room.

"Where's Jude?" I asked, realizing the other woman was missing.

"She left for coffee a little while ago. She really has it bad for your daughter," Beth answered nonchalantly.

I was confused by her mention of Angel, it seemed out of context with the discussion of Jude. "My daughter?"

"Yeah, Anne came by a little while ago to wait for you. Jude was heading out for coffee and invited Anne along," Beth stated, settling behind the desk. "You didn't know?"

"I was planning on walking home. Anne must have decided to meet me here after I left for work this morning." I knew for sure now, Anne was up to something. She was setting me up, but why?
Come on, William, even you're not that dense.

"She's very thoughtful, William. I like your one in a million."

"Yeah, she is definitely that," I agreed, managing to restrain the irony in my voice. I was sure we both had different reasons for using that definition of Anne at the moment.

Beth flicked off the overhead lights and turned on the projector facing the wall. After my eyes adjusted to the sudden change in brightness, I looked up to discover a picture of my daughter and I spread across the white wall.

The pink glow of the background reflected in Angel's cheeks and lips. Her angelic face showed one of the many reasons I had chosen her name. Her eyes were wide open, staring up at me as I held her close. Her tiny hand was wrapped around one of my fingers and the other was reaching out for my shirt.

The look on my face showed an old version of myself, the one who was relaxed and comfortable. The lines I saw on my face in the mirror every day had been softened. There was a small smile playing on my lips, and my eyes were bright and full of life. It was like being transported back in time, to when my life was happy and fulfilled. I tried to remember what I was thinking at that specific moment, but my mind drew a blank.

"I love this photo. You look so peaceful," Beth's voice was almost a whisper.

I wanted to chance a look at her, but I found my eyes were glued to the wall as image after image appeared. Every one of them revealed the love I had for Angel. My face reflected the emotions I held for my tiny daughter, more and more with each shot.

The one picture which had mesmerized me at lunch suddenly appeared. My light mood turn quickly into one of despair. The sadness sank into my heart, and my breath became rapid.

"William, are you okay?" Beth asked, concerned.

"I'm..." I didn't honestly know if I was okay. The urge to let go of the floodgates holding back my grief overwhelmed me. "I don't... her face..."

Beth's warm hand settled on my arm, and she ran circles against my skin with her thumb. I didn't understand how she had done it, but she had found the chink in my armor. She had inadvertently broken through all my defenses. Suddenly, I was so tired of keeping everything inside.

Tears rolled freely down my face. The painful lump in my throat left me unable to speak. My body shook as I continued to stare at the simple picture of Angel. Her face was perfection. Her eyes reflected the innocence she held in her tiny body.

Beth pulled me into her arms and I cradled my head against her shoulder, breathing in her delicate lilac scent. Her warmth surrounded me as she ran her fingers softly through my hair. I sobbed against her neck, the pent-up emotions of the past six months overwhelming the barriers which had been up for so long. Her body pressed against mine, as wrong as it was in the circumstances, felt incredibly good.

It was such a vulnerable position to be in, and as unmanly as hell, but the angelic features of my baby daughter proved too much for me. I’d finally reached my breaking point, I was tired of being strong.

Beth whispered soothingly against my hair, the compassion in her voice a balm to my shattered soul. She held me close, quietly providing support, giving me time to work through the tumult of emotions bombarding my mind. She was gentle and patient as I continued to release the pain through a seemingly endless onslaught of tears.

As the heaviness in my heart lightened, my tears slowed. I pulled back from Beth's embrace to find a look in her eyes which stunned me. Her gaze was filled with love and compassion, no trace of the pity which would have made me feel even worse, for breaking down in front of her. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I forced a tiny smile onto my lips,  trying to reassure her the worst was over.

She shook her head and smiled up at me. "Stop trying to be so strong, William. Let it out," she breathed. "It's okay to be…"

"I'm such a wimp. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be burdening you with this." I felt stupid for breaking down over a picture.

"Never apologize for being human. I can see something terrible happened to you," she said in a soft voice. She glanced back at the picture of Angel, still displayed on the wall. "William, what is it about this one that affects you so much?"

I looked up at the picture for a few seconds before allowing the words to fall from my lips. "She's the spitting image of her mother. Oh god, Beth, I miss her so much." Despite my best efforts to control it, my body shook uncontrollably as the sense of desolation swamped my psyche again.

Beth drew me back into her warm embrace. The last of my defenses crumbled, and I cried, truly cried for the first time since Angelina’s death. I grieved for the loss of my beautiful wife, Angel's loss of the mother she would never know, and I sobbed with pain for the life I would never have. My wife was everything to me, I’d never loved anyone like I had loved Angelina. We were so excited about the life we were going to start as a family, with our first baby. Everything had been perfect - and now - I was so alone. I missed her and I'd never see her beautiful face again.

When she died, only minutes after Angel's birth, my world had been torn apart. I had held Angel for hours, screaming for someone, anyone to wake me up from the nightmare. I wanted my world back. I wanted Angelina to be alive and enjoying the miracle we had brought into the world. I'd lost my reason for living, and in the same terrible moment, been given a new, precious reason for living, when all I wanted to do was die. I’d been a mental and emotional wreck ever since. Six months later, I was still an emotional mess, but mentally, I was slowly making my way back into the world of the living, purely for Angel's sake.

I felt so bad for crying on Beth's shoulder, for dropping my troubles on a woman I hardly knew, and yet, with this powerful connection between us, I didn't care.

Her touch.

Her voice.

Her smell.

Everything about her was convincing me I could claw my way back, more than anything or anyone else in the world.

Chapter Seven

Beth

It was late when I entered the house. After such a long and emotional day, I’d decided to go for a walk. Jude had been a worry-wart - she thought the streets of Portland were far too dangerous to walk by myself and offered to come with me. Needing some time to myself, I had declined her offer. There were so many thoughts to straighten out, and having her along would've been a distraction.

William, a basic stranger, had been my main topic of thought lately. My emotions swirled around him and Angel. Knowing about his loss, I was even more confused about how I felt about him. Everything lately had been extremely perplexing. Not being the fall-in-love type of woman could potentially hurt William in many indescribable ways. Was it fair to allow this gravitational pull I had for him to continue? Maybe cutting the ties which seemed to have formed between us was the right thing to do.

After his breakdown, if that was the right way of calling it, I knew he could potentially be on his way to the recovery of his loss. I didn't know why, but for some reason I felt the need to help him. Angel needed him. Hell, the perfect woman out there, somewhere in this world, needed him.

I suspected that Jude and Anne thought I was that woman. I would have to keep a close eye on Jude. She had tried once before to show me that the perfect man was out there for me.
That had ended in disaster.
I silently cursed as I pulled my fingers away from my wrist cuff.

Throwing my iPod down on the counter, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. After searching for an apple, I decided to lay out on the couch and relax till Jude and Wyatt got home.

Too many thoughts continued to overpower me. Retrieving the iPod again, I settled on some of my favorite haunting music to lull me into a place of peace and solitude. After a day like today, I had a desperate need to escape from my own head. I closed my eyes, laid down on the couch and thought about the meadow back home. My memory recalled every detail clearly.

The  reds and yellows of the flowers were highlighted by the golden hues of a rarely seen sun. The morning dew sparkled off slender blades of green grass. The forest smell was fresh and exhilarating.

Basking in the warmth of the sun, I twirled in a slow circle, and the marvelous colors warped into a multicolored rainbow. A sudden flash of a color, which didn't seem to belong, appeared. I knew these colors, I'd recreated them for years and couldn’t comprehend what was appearing in the scene I’d created. Slowing my spin, I focused on the small blur of purple moving rapidly towards me, and realized it was a child.

Glancing around, I found she was alone, and I waited till she stretched out with her little arms, reaching for something or someone. The need to hold and protect her built swiftly. The purple sundress she wore was tight around her torso and flowed down past her knees. The smile on her face was warm, providing heat like the sun against my face. Her eyes were recognizable instantly; having seen them many times in my photographs. The chestnut brown was an undeniable clue. She was about four years old and beautiful like her father. She wrapped her arms around my neck as I scooped her up into my arms, her tiny lips peppering kisses onto my cheek.

Over her shoulder, my eyes fell upon a wondrous sight.  A smile spread across my lips as William stepped out from within the trees at the far end of the meadow. Angel's little legs wrapped around my waist when I stepped forward. I held her tight to my chest as William closed the distance between us. He was cradling something small and fragile in his arms. Everything felt perfect, so completely natural, as the distance between us lessened. The bundle in William’s arms was  nestled in a white blanket, and my heart pounded. Who’s baby was he holding? I wanted desperately to see. When I pulled back the blanket, shock and fear coursed through my body. Where there should have been a tiny infant, there was nothing and William released his grip, letting the white blanket flutter down on to the grass.

"Beth?"

My name sounded wrong spoken from William's lips. There were no exciting sparks bubbling up through my bloodstream, not as I usually experienced when hearing him say it. I frowned, squinting to see him better through the glaring sunlight.

"Beth?"

The voice was louder, and William's lips didn't move in harmony with the sound.

"Elizabeth!"

The voice sounded frantic, becoming concerned. It was demanding something from me, but what it was, I couldn’t comprehend.

The sun disappeared, filling the meadow with murky darkness. I reached out in panic, realizing my arms were empty, and Angel was gone. William drifted backwards, disappearing into the woods. I felt a firm grip on my arms and my body was shaken like a rag doll.

"Elizabeth Diane Huntley! Wake up!"

My eyes flew open, to find Jude's staring down at me, her own eyes wide. "J... Jude?"

"Good morning, sleeping beauty." Despite the warmth in her greeting, she sounded worried.

"What? Morning?" The fog of sleep was still firmly gripping my head.

"You must've fallen asleep on the couch." Jude clasped my hand, pulling me up.

Flexing my limbs to stretch out stiffened muscles, I noticed Jude waiting expectantly. “What?”

“What?” Jude repeated, sounding exasperated. “I come out to discover you screaming like a banshee and thrashing around on the couch and you ask
what
?”

The dream, or whatever it had been, had given me a headache, and now Jude was adding to the pain. “It was...” I lapsed into silence.

“Beth?” Jude prodded.

“I don't know. A dream, maybe.” What I had experienced was unclear. “A glimpse into the future, possibly.”

“Wanna talk about it?” She seemed genuinely concerned.

Did I want to talk? It had been so intimate, felt so personal, and I wasn’t certain I was willing to share. Jude was my best friend, but she was always a little too pushy. I imagined talking with her now would only make my already pounding head worse. “No, it's fine. It was just a stupid dream.”

“Okay.” She didn't sound convinced, but thankfully, let the subject drop.

After retrieving some pain killers from the medicine cabinet, I sauntered into the kitchen. Jude, being a smart woman, had already started prepping the coffee. I pulled the half-brewed pot from the coffee machine, pouring the dark liquid into my favorite mug.

I resumed my favorite spot on the couch and closed my eyes. What had the dream meant? Was it just a result of my overactive imagination or truly a glimpse into the future? Was there an attainable life for me with William and Angel? Was there a child in that possible future?

Memories of William's hand in mine warmed my heart. Goose bumps crept up my arms  and a whisper of a smile raised my lips. Yes, despite my qualms, I finally decided I was willing to try. I wanted to see if the future I’d imagined was conceivable. The only thing which was uncertain now, was if William would be willing to consider the possibility.

My world abruptly crashed again. William wasn't ready for a relationship. In the unlikely event he would ever be ready for a new relationship, the issues which came along with me were insurmountable. The pain in my chest was suddenly excruciating. I couldn't allow such a beautiful person to learn of my pain. I silently blinked away tears over a future which hadn't even had a chance to come to fruition.

~~~~~~~~~~

My life was pathetic. It was a gorgeously warm, sunny Sunday and I was sitting in front of a computer working. Concentrating on Mrs. Murphy's request, I was researching online sites for lakes in the local area, trying to find the perfect one. After her consultation, or lack thereof, I knew I didn't really want to deal with such a high-maintenance attitude. I already had incredible shots on the computer, but this self-centered woman would want more than incredible.

Dealing with a multitude of self-absorbed models in New York, who thought they were indispensable to the fashion designers, had been more than enough. They had certain food, drinks and atmosphere specifications, similar to the requests made in riders for movie stars and rock gods.

Stupid shit, like pomegranates cut into quarters or baby carrots which had to be sliced into pieces exactly four inches long. Nothing with sugar or artificial coloring was allowed on the set. Everything edible and drinkable had to be organic.

Energy drinks had to be non-carbonated and shaken ten times before being placed in their rooms, or mint tea, which was to be heated to three hundred degrees and then cooled to one hundred, before it could be served.

The part which made me dislike those silicone enhanced women the most, was their outrageous demands on set. The lighting couldn't be too bright. The temperature couldn't be too hot, or too cold. The biggest problem was that the assistants were supposed to be mindreaders and determine when the temperature needed adjustment or jump to their every little whine. They were so incredibly needy and demanding, it sucked at my soul and ruined any enjoyment of my craft.

With a sigh, I continued to study the lakes within an hour's drive of the city and didn't realize Jude had even walked into the room until she spoke.

"I know something's wrong,” she said, pulling my free hand away from my cuff. “What are you looking at?"

I sighed again. "Lakes for Mrs. Murphy."

"What about Brookside Park?" Jude suggested.

I thought about the spot for a moment as I quickly pulled up some pictures of the area. Jude was right, it was beautiful and there were many options I could use. One image appeared and I realized it bordered on a place I absolutely couldn't get enough of. I quickly decided getting lost in my element was on the agenda for today.

"It could work," I replied excitedly. “Oh, Jude, I could kiss you.”

"It would be perfect." Jude smiled as she looked at the screen. There was something in her voice which suggested I should run while I still had the chance. I decided it didn't matter, as long as I could unwind for a few hours and indulge in taking some photographs.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was possible to spend days in the Leach Botanical Garden, enjoying the natural surroundings. The songs of the hundreds of varieties of birds filtered into my ears. I wrapped the headphones around my iPod and put it in the outer pocket of my camera case. Pulling out my favorite camera, I started zooming in on some of the birds - their colors, and the way the sun shone off their feathers, made it the perfect setting.

There were lots of trails to wander and enjoy. Snapping photos of the many variations of the flowers which laced the area, I imagined using them as backdrops. I took some in black and white, and some in color; the variation brought different emotions to each shot.

"Wow, Beth, this place is beautiful," Jude said from behind me. I had forgotten she was here. It still left me stunned to learn she had never been to the park while living less than an hour from it.

Nature was my friend and a place of peaceful solitude. It was easy to forget and get lost within the beauty, plus the added fact I was my element, hiding behind the camera.

Jude and I began the trek towards Brookside Park. It was my ultimate destination for the day, but I swore to come back to the gardens very soon. It was mid-afternoon and I wanted to try and capture some photos before the sun started to set.

We rounded a large fern and were met by a remarkable sight. A short distance up, on a path which met up with ours, was a figure whom I had recently begun to have vivid dreams about.

Jude jabbed me in the side and pointed ahead of us. "Is that who I think it is?"

I spun my head towards her, narrowing my eyes. "I know that tone, Judith, this was your doing, wasn't it?" The guilty look was more than enough proof, but when she refused to look at me, I knew the truth.

Less than thirty feet up the path, William turned, a look of astonishment on his handsome face. I could feel my body reacting to his intense gaze. The coiled snake which seemed to be permanently nestled in my stomach tightened.

My camera was trembling in my hands as I zoomed in on his face. His eyes were trained on me, I didn't see any pain or sadness, and he looked relaxed and alive as his eyes met mine through the lens. Something had changed in him. Maybe his release at the studio had been a type of therapy for him. My heart was beating out of my ribcage as we all shortened the distance between us.

"Anne, William, hi," Jude called out.

"Hi, Jude," Anne answered. "What are you doing here?"

I was certain Anne had been involved in the nefarious plan Jude had hatched. I lowered the camera and shot Anne a warning glance as we closed in on them. She looked back and forth between Jude and me, the look seeking clarification. She knew that I knew.

"Hello, Beth," William said, with a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

My body wanted to admit defeat to whatever power William had over me. I was on a constant high when I was near him. My lungs pulled in more air, my skin was more sensitive to the gentle breeze blowing through the trees. My name floating past his lips made my nerves tingle. I felt more alive whenever he was nearby. I was fighting a losing battle.

"Hello, William," I answered nervously. His scent assaulted my lungs, a constant reminder of the morning dew in the woods. The fragrant scents of the gardens paled in comparison.