Blacklisted from the PTA (9 page)

A
FTER ELEVEN YEARS
,
TWO KIDS
,
AND EVERY RERUN OF
L
AW AND
Order, it had come to this: Date Night. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s supposed to make us better, stronger, more romantic. Chasing that illusion, I painted my eyes like an Arabian princess and lured my husband away from familiar platters of cow-and-tater with a wink and a promise. We hit the highway. Away from PTA, soccer, and the backyard BBQs of our tidy subdivision.

I tasted youth. It tasted a lot like lip gloss.

In the university district, a bistro beckoned. Blue neon ‘Jazz’ lit up the window. Even better: convenient parking.

As we waited for our table, I admired our reflections behind the bartender. Totally still hot. The hostess led us past the Beautiful People with their tiny bowls of pasta to a small stairway. Ooh, what now? A lower level? Not only had we found the hippest spot in town, we were now being shown into its inner sanctum. Date Night rocked.

“Good choice, gorgeous,” my husband said. But as I waited an unreasonable interval for my Chardonnay, I missed the candlelight upstairs. How soon would all the eye paint settle into my not-so-fine lines? Once the wine arrived, I tried to pretend it didn’t taste like yesterday’s tea. The soup had to be better— Cream of Asparagus and Crab could be nothing less than divine.

“Do you notice anything about the people down here?” I asked.

“No,” my husband lied. But everyone around us sported thicker waists and thinner hair.

“I think this is the
Old People
section,” I whispered.

“Nah.”

As I forced myself through cold, starchy soup, springs dug into my motherly rear. I poked at mediocre shrimp and soggy salad. Date Night evaporated like a mirage. Not having spent time on eye make-up, my husband was less vexed.

“It’s crap,” I said. The whole place looked like a yard sale that had been plowed over by a wood-paneled station wagon. This basement sucked.

Just then, a Cowboy and his Girl moseyed in. Neither
Old
nor
Beautiful
, and worlds away from cool, they cleared things up. We had been banished. Not to be seen by the real clientele. Hidden away like a cousin with Herpes at the church picnic.

I knew complaints wouldn’t earn me a place upstairs. But such a severe humiliation required resolution. I needed chocolate.

At the steakhouse a friendly waitress promptly served us a fudgy cake-frosting-sauce concoction, which delivered more than it promised. As our cheeks blushed under the light of a Budweiser sign, we found the satisfaction that had eluded us all evening.

A
T
MY KIDS
’
RECENT PHYSICAL
,
THE DOCTOR BUSTED ME
.

“Anyone in the house smoke?”

“No,” I said, totally telling the truth.

“Mom,” my daughter said. She looked at me wide-eyed as if I’d said a bad word. Then she turned from me to her new role model, the kind and presumably honest doctor.

“My dad smokes,” she said.

“Busted!” said the doctor.

Cut to me backpedaling and using way too many words to explain away my husband’s weekly cigar. Or was it nightly? Either way, he smoked outside so it didn’t really count, right?

That brush with not-even-bad behavior made me want to let out a rebel yell. Being a grown up can be so lame. We’re not allowed to do anything!

By the time the cops showed up, we had dwindled to a dozen thirty-somethings around a half empty keg making really bad karaoke. (Back in the day, I rocked a pretty hard Love Shack baby, but that involved way more alcohol than my adult liver cares to process.) There I was, having fun in a mature and nonrebellious way, drinking beer not purchased by anyone’s older sister or boyfriend, but by the tax-paying homeowner himself. We’d already gathered up our bags and started goodbyes when two young officers appeared inside the gate. I would have sworn they were strippers. Either that or our host put them up to it to make us all feel younger and badder. But they were totally serious. After interrupting a particularly heartbreaking rendition of Prince’s “Kiss,” they said to the homeowners—and I quote—“Don’t make us come back out here.”

Had someone been watching
Cops
? I was dying for the DJ to cue up that Bad Boys song.
What-chou gonna do? What-chou gonna do when they come for you?
The guy who’d had to stop midFalsetto looked like my eight-year-old when I say lights out: Just a little longer? Pleeeeeze!

I wondered what the officers expected to find. No criminals here. Just a bunch of adults with too many mayonnaise-based salads and a beer fridge full of milk.

My husband, who hadn’t been too hot on the party idea, gave me a look that said this never happens while watching
World’s Greatest Engineering Feats
. But we’d had a great time. Who can argue with burgers, brew and ‘tater salad? The only thing missing were his cigars.

The big question—other than, don’t the police have some Meth labs to eradicate?—was who would call the cops on us? Did the shrill of our under-primed voices at 10:15 on a Saturday night rile the neighbors? Was backyard karaoke now a crime? Bad words crowded the tip of my well-behaved, un-pierced tongue.

Wary of the fuzz and their dreaded breathalyzers, we retreated, sharing stories from Fondmemoryland where life was one big kegger. We recalled busts long past and embellished tales of daring escapes and stealth camouflage in basements and shrubberies.

I accept that booze must now be tempered with chips and dips, that the babysitter needs to be home by eleven, and that I really shouldn’t swear in front of the children, but can’t we have any fun at all? On the drive home I wondered if the OnStar people could fine me for singing off key to the radio.

I wanted to be irked about the cops showing up to ruin our fun, but truth was, the party was pretty much over by the time they showed up and nothing can make you feel like your old rebel self like getting busted by the cops. Even if it was only for really bad singing.

R
EMEMBER HOW IT USED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND YOU
had no responsibilities? Life was one big party and your biggest dilemma was who to hook up with at the end of the evening?

My husband had been working in Mexico, and going on and on about this fabulous place he’d been going to with the people from work—the young people. You can imagine my excitement.

“It’s great,” he said. “You start out eating at these long tables and then slowly the music gets louder and louder and pretty soon everybody’s dancing!”

I remember dancing. But contrary to the way my husband portrayed himself during our courting phase, he’s no dancer. It’s not that he doesn’t want to dance. A severe lack of rhythm prevents him from doing so. When we were young it didn’t matter. We used to be the life of the party, dancing on speakers and deep dipping. But now—well, all that used-to-be went out the window with the I-Do’s, the real jobs, and the flannel packets of baby.

Except that now my husband is out dancing again.

“That’s nice,” I told him. “I’d do the same if I weren’t busy cleaning sand out of your children’s hair.”

“It’s a cultural thing,” he said.

“I’ve also been keeping the mildew at bay.”

“It’s a different life down there.” Wistfully, he gazed out the window. While I may have a touch of used-to-be syndrome, my husband suffers from a bad case of somewhere-else-is-better. He’s never accepted that life is different when you’re just visiting. No place is one big party all the time. Eventually the alarm clock rings and everybody goes to work.

I’m not the only one who likes to reminisce. I called a friend recently to wish her a happy birthday. It’s been 15 years since we lit up the town, but we remember.

Remember that one time? We were so drunk….

Didn’t you flash a cop?

Was that the night someone puked off the porch?

Who was that anyway?

Good times.

Good times.

Last fall I went to a bar for girls’ night out with some friends. Half the “girls” couldn’t make it because of sick kids and work deadlines, but the rest of us set off to see a live band in a bar. We stepped back in time, into a place where you emerge at the end of the evening with no voice and reeking of smoke. Too many bodies pressed up against each other sucked up all the oxygen. Third world countries had better bathrooms.

After a long wait in line, I made my way through the crowd with a beer in each hand. A friend looked at me funny. “What?” I said. Just because I hadn’t been in a bar in a while didn’t mean I’d forgotten everything. “I’m not waiting in that line again.”

The band made me feel old and law-abiding. Maybe I’ve gotten really square in my maternal bliss, but since when do bands play two full sets of songs about smoking pot? The boys from Oklahoma roll their joints too long. Who knew?

“You could have warned me about that band,” I said to a PTA mom the next week at the 1st grade musical.

“What band?”

“Cross Canadian Ragweed.”

She stopped messing with her camera long enough to give me a look.

“They have the word weed in their name!” she said. “What did you expect?”

That’s just it. I don’t know what to expect anymore. With teenagers in my future, I’ve decided it’s important to go into a bar at least once a year—to keep informed. Purely research. And I mean a real bar, not one of those smooth jazz playing joints that sell booze to old people.

In the meantime I decided to mosey down to Mexico and check out this restaurant my husband had been raving about. We ate and drank beer and hung out with his young colleagues. The music got louder and dance videos appeared on the stucco walls. Chairs were flung backwards to make room for the dancing. It was not so much a cultural experience as a bar with a lot of other people living out our used-to-be.

And there we were. Me about to die from smoke inhalation and beer bloat, and my faithful husband standing by, bottle in hand, nodding his head back and forth like a rhythm-less turkey.

I
COULD SPEND ALL WEEK COMING UP WITH VALID REASONS NOT TO
spend precious time engaged in some artificially romantic date night. But the truth is we need them. Here are the top ten reasons why.

Every relationship requires maintenance. Seeing a movie or taking a walk with your spouse is much less expensive (and more fun) than twice weekly sessions on an outdated sofa in on a counselor’s office. Date night costs a fraction of what you’d spend from your side of a well-apportioned attorney’s desk. Think of these expenditures as an investment not only in your happiness, but in your long-term financial health as well.

We all get tired of looking at our partners. No matter how much they set us a flutter in the beginning, the sparkle wears off. Sometimes (admit it) you check out other people’s spouses and think, “Dang! That’s a hot one!” Rest assured that while you are mid-melt, someone else is checking out your own partner. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, just human nature. Date night— especially if you both take the time to shave in the right spots—can remind you what you saw in this person in the first place—because for most people, it had at least a little to do with a hotness factor.

Do you enjoy spending every minute with your kids? Again, you don’t have to raise your hand in public, but be honest. The extreme urge to get very far away from the creatures you birthed is natural. We all need adult time. Unfortunately, the guilt that comes along with that desire is common. Date nights are the exception because you know that taking care of your relationship is one of the single most important things you can do for your children’s overall well-being. You know that, right?

Between the diapers, the [oops] late electric bill, and that odd smell in the hallway, romance can get away from you— quick. Sometimes sitting on the couch (after having just spent twenty minutes vying for the remote) you wonder how you ended up with this person. Getting away from everything together helps you focus on each other—on what attracted you (besides the, um, heat.) You may be surprised to find you’re still kind of into each other—at least until you need to get home to unclog the drain.

We all get selfish. When the routine at home gets stressful, we seek comforts, from eating the foods we like to watching what we want on TV. All of these petty preferences divide us. The great thing about date night is it has an agenda. Even if you’re only going to a coffee shop to share a triple-choco-latte, you’re there to be together. That’s the only objective. It’s not about what you want or what your partner wants, the time has been set aside to spend time together as a unit.

When you have young kids you can start to feel frumpy fast. If you don’t have a date night, what excuse have you got to dress up? Some of us end up covered in spit-up most days. Even if you dress in “real clothes” for work every day, you still need the glamour date night provides. Couples need to see each other at top form once in a while (see above). And it’s fun. Remember, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to look cute. (But if you’ve got a little extra, I’d spend it on shoes.)

Your kids will enjoy seeing their parents go out and do something fun. They might not admit it, and they may even try to pour on a little guilt, but it can only do them good to see mom and dad make each other a priority. You’ll be setting a good example, and they really do like that junky food we fix on our way out to something better. (Oh, STOP feeling guilty. It’s not every night!)

Seriously, hair can take a long time! The point here is not that you’re not already bathing on a regular basis, but that everyone needs special things to look forward to. Sometimes our regular work-a-day and take-care-of-the-kids lives don’t offer many opportunities to shine. Maybe you aren’t working your dream job or slicing your carrots on granite countertops, but you can make date night a bright spot on your calendar.

In the early years of a relationship friends are always asking how you met. This inevitably leads to sweet or funny or mushy stories of eyes locking and hands trembling and blahty-blahblah-blah. But it’s fun, and reminds you why you (see above) a) find each other hot, and b)used to be quite into each other. So live a little, in the past. You don’t want rely memories for all your contentment because that would mean you’re not busy making new memories, but reminiscing about any good times together (not just at the beginning) is good for your future.

And the number one reason to date your spouse:

1. It could lead to sex.

Sex is really, really good for you. You need it. Just like food and water, it’s fundamental to good health—both your physical well-being and that of your relationship. Obviously, date night is critical. How do you expect to get naked with someone you can’t have a conversation with? A scheduled date night is not the be-all-end-all solution to every relationship trouble, but it’s one little thing you can do. And it’s not the grand gestures define a relationship; it’s the little things, added up over time, that fortify. So think little, as in—get a little.