Blackouts and Breakdowns (25 page)

“First of all, you can stay sober anywhere.
My first few months of sobriety, I worked in a bar and I was just fine.
Secondly, you are not missing out on anything; you are living your life with a clear head.
You no longer wake up hung-over and you can get things done and try to have a positive outlook on life.”
Easier said than done.
“Listen, tomorrow is my one-year anniversary of sobriety, are you going to be at the meeting?
We are having cake and coffee afterwards.”

“Well, if you are having cake, then I am totally there,” I said.
He laughed, thinking I was joking, not knowing what I huge fan of free cake I am.

“Ok, then I will see you tomorrow.”

He hung up. I went to bed that night and had the most fabulous dream about getting blackout drunk on flirtinis with Luke and Palmer Courtlandt.

DAY SEVENTEEN

“I am so happy to have my best friend back!”
Tom yelled into the phone that morning. “This is the best thing that you have ever done.
Now all you have to do is get your ass back to New York so we can take this town by storm again!”
Tom and I had, at one point, done quite a bit of drinking and drugging together.
However, Tom eventually settled down and I began drinking for the both of us.
All of the problems that we had with our friendship were due to my drinking and Tom was still the only person with enough balls to tell me that I needed to go to AA. “Say it!”
Tom then said into the phone. “Say what I know you are thinking right now.”

I sighed into the phone and replied, “You were right!”

“Again. I am right again.
I am always right fuckface, and don’t you forget it!” he laughed. “So what are you doing today?”

“I am going to steal some pens from the bank and then head to a meeting.
You know you have to go every day?” I said.
We continued to chat for a few more minutes.
I was so happy that Tom and I were speaking again. We had had a falling out a few months before when I had accidentally almost killed his dogs after leaving cocaine out in his apartment.
This was not the first time this had happened and somehow, Tom managed to continue to speak to me, even though I was a walking disaster.
I really believe that Tom knew that most of the shenanigans I pulled were because I was usually drunk and would overreact about things because of it.
I was glad to be back in Tom’s inner circle and was feeling a bit better as I walked in to the AA meeting that day.

That day I was feeling super nostalgic, and rolled into the AA meeting rocking out to UB40’s “Red, Red Wine” and quickly realized that that was blatantly inappropriate.
When I arrived, I saw that Luke was in the leader’s chair.
It was his one-year anniversary of sobriety and he was going to share his experience with the group.
Behind him, I saw a fabulous looking chocolate cake with vanilla icing, with my name on it.
Actually, Luke’s name was on it, but I could totally see my face in it within the next hour. I opted not to think about cake and instead listen to Luke’s story.

Luke began and told everyone that he was originally from Oklahoma and came to D.C. for school.
As soon as he was free from his family’s crutches, he took up drinking and continued to drink just about every day for the next ten years.
He had reached bottom several times, but continued to drink even when he knew he shouldn’t.
He had lost friends because of it, but physically could not bring himself to stop drinking until he came to AA.
I thought, once again, that Luke and I had the same story.
I learned after a few weeks in AA that we all have the same story, just as Laura Lesbian told me on my second day.
But something about what Luke said drew me to him.
He physically could not stop drinking alone.
I had felt the same way, before I came to AA.
He had lost friends because of his drinking.
Tom and I had drifted apart for some time because my drinking had gotten out of control.
I was not being honest with myself for the longest time about anything and now, I was beginning to awaken to the fact that I had been wrong in the past and that I did have a problem.
After Luke finished speaking, I leapt to my feet with applause.
Everyone around me looked at me like I was an asshole.
Eventually everyone ended up standing with me and clapping for Luke. I felt as if I had known him my whole life.

After the meeting was over, Luke introduced me to his boyfriend Franklin, a good-looking Asian guy who was sitting in the meeting.
Luke explained that Franklin was not an alcoholic, but came to celebrate Luke’s anniversary date.
Luke and I were alike in just about every way, except, I really don’t have a thing for Asian guys.
We definitely differ there.
We all got to know each other a little better and ate cake.

“We should have cake every meeting,” I said with icing around my mouth. “I think it would make people a little more willing to show up.
You know, it’s like incentive for not drinking.” Everyone laughed at what a pig I was but I was not joking.
I love cake and could talk about it for hours.
We all ended up going our separate ways.
Before we left, Luke told me to call him this weekend so that we could chat.
I was so happy that I had found a new friend that I went to the bakery down the street and got a whole cake to eat by myself in celebration of seventeen days of not drinking.

DAY TWENTY

“Hey Mark, how’s it going?”
Dr. Jake said into the phone.
I know I had told Dr. Jake that I wanted to stay friends with him, but I didn’t really mean it.
He pissed me off and the fact that he did not have to go to AA aggravated me even more.

“Nothing much, just getting along. You?” I asked.

“I am OK. I am actually calling to ask you for a favor.”

“What is it?”

“Well, I am going to come out to my parents and I wanted to see if you had any pointers on it.”
He had already, at this point, told his parents that he was getting a divorce from his wife over the summer.
Now, I suppose he felt it was time for him to bust open the closet doors and tell his family he was gay.
I didn’t really see the need for him to do this because as far as I was concerned, Dr. Jake was living in a glass closet anyway.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you,” I said. I had been dealing with sobriety and my own problems and I really did not have any pearls of wisdom to share with him.

“You know that our time together was very special to me.
That’s why I am asking you for help,” he said in a very shaky voice.
I figured something was up.

“What were you doing in New York?”
I questioned, changing topics abruptly.

“Do you really want to know?” he asked.

“Well, if you did not want me to know, then you would have not posted on facebook that you were in New York, would you?”
Check and mate.

“I am seeing someone in New York.”

I paused.
How in twenty days had Dr. Jake managed to find a boyfriend?
I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything, but I am so much better looking than him.
I also do not have the baggage of an estranged wife and the Army hanging over me. Just alcoholism.

“What?” I asked.

“I knew I should not have told you.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings, but it just happened.
I thought you had moved on anyway.
Your facebook status said that you just got busy in a Burger King bathroom”

“Those are lyrics from the Humpty Hump song you fucking moron,” I paused.
“So let me get this straight.”
I cleared my throat, in anticipation of bombarding him with insults.
Then I remembered a previous conversation, a few weeks back, when Dr. Jake asked me where to go out in New York.
“So you not only asked me where to take your new boyfriend out in New York, but now you are asking me for help coming out to your parents.
Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“It’s just...I don’t...I...”

“You’re a fucking douche bag, Jake.
I cannot believe that you are doing this right now.
You know I need as little stress in my life as possible and you are just one constant source of it.”

“But, I need your help.”

“Why don’t you ask your new boyfriend for help, you horses ass!”

“It’s just you mean so much to me...I...”

“Fuck you.
If I meant anything to you, we would not be having this conversation right now. You are so inconsiderate.
It’s almost as if you want me to get drunk and come crawling back to you.”

There it was. The truth.
There was no way he could hide from it now.
Dr. Jake was such a mess that he needed someone to be as big of a mess as he was to make himself feel better.
I was no longer a possible candidate for the position. I could see now what Dr. Jake was doing and I could no longer be a party to it.
I was not going to be his punching bag anymore.
Dr. Jake continued on until finally I interrupted him.

“Listen you son of a bitch, if I hear from you ever again, I am going to come to your house with a baseball bat and beat the living shit out of you!”
I screamed into the phone and hung up.
He should have known that was an idle threat as I have never once played baseball in my life nor have I ever owned a baseball bat.

I was pacing in my living room, not knowing what to do. I wanted a drink so badly but knew that’s exactly what Dr. Jake would have wanted.
He wanted me to drink and lose this battle I was fighting against my demons. Instead, I chain smoked a few cigarettes and continued pacing.
After a few moments, I realized that I had strength that I had not had before.
I was like Gloria Estefan – I was coming out of the dark.
My feelings for him were gone so what difference did it make?
Had this conversation taken place a few weeks ago, I would have opened a bottle and began a drinking binge that would have lasted for days.
But I was not going to be Blair Cramer any longer!
Blair Cramer is a character on
One Life to Live
who always went back to her husband Todd, even after he raped someone, killed someone, almost raped someone again, stole Blair’s baby and made her think it was dead, almost kidnapped his own daughter’s baby, was raped himself and pretended to have multiple personalities.
No matter what, Blair always went back to Todd. I was not going to be Blair any longer.
I was going to be strong, like her Aunt Dorian.
She didn’t put up with shit from anyone. I was not going to let someone else’s actions make me weaken.
I was strong now. I could take down an entire corporation if need be.

I realized that I needed a break from all of the nonsense going on in D.C. An impromptu trip was just what the doctor ordered.

DAY TWENTY-ONE

“With the taste of your lips, I’m on a ride...Your toxic I’m slippin’ under!”
The radio was blasting Britney Spears and the windows were rolled down as my brother and I were driving down the expressway with the lights of Atlantic City upon us.

“What better way to celebrate twenty one days sober than a trip to Atlantic City?”
I said as we pulled up to Caesar’s Palace.

“I really don’t know,” my brother, Kevin said as he pulled the car into a parking spot.
“I am so excited. I love gambling!
This was a great idea!”

“I know, sobriety has filled me such great ideas.
Next month we should hit up Monte Carlo,” I said.
“I needed to get out of D.C. I don’t even care if I win money or not. If nothing else, we will put some money into the New Jersey economy so they can fix the hole in the ozone that’s directly above this state.
Jersey girls do love their hairspray!”

We walked into Caesar’s with dreams of winning big.
I love Atlantic City because of its gaudiness.
It’s amazing to me that so many people think spandex and teased hair is still fashionable and that they all convene in one place.
I also love Atlantic City because you can smoke just about anywhere.
The night that my brother and I were in town, was the night of the Madonna concert so the casinos were filled with gay men. It was like a gay wet dream.
What more could a homo ask for?

I usually have terrible luck in life, except when it comes to gambling.
I don’t know how it happened, but a few months beforehand, I won about a thousand dollars playing roulette.
I really didn’t know what I was doing, but just ended up putting down money on a few numbers and won a bunch back.
I had hoped that lightning would strike twice as I sat down at the roulette tables again.