Blackstone's Bride (34 page)

She nodded numbly. “They don’t know about Clint and me. My brother was right all along. He said if Sam had cared about us, he would have stayed. My father doesn’t want me to jeopardize his new life.”

“I don’t know what to say, Abby. I’m sorry—”

“It’s not your fault. He didn’t love my mother. He left because he wasn’t happy. But he is now.”

“He loves you, Abby. He’s stayed in touch all these years because he cares about you.”

All these years. She had waited, and worked, and prayed
that she could reunite her family. But he had made another home and another family. Bitterness welled up inside her. If only he had told her. For years, he’d let her believe her fantasy because he didn’t have the guts to tell her he didn’t care.

She shook her head. “He doesn’t love me. It was guilt, pure and simple. And it was cruel and heartless. I’ve been planning and hoping and dreaming all these years. For nothing.”

“I shouldn’t have meddled. I’m sorry—”

She stood up. “Don’t be. I’m glad you found him for me. Why should I waste any more time on him?”

“That means you’re going to respect his wishes?”

“Yes. His daughter—my half sister—is younger than I was when he left. I won’t hurt her the way I—” Her voice caught and she bit her lip.

Jarrod pulled her into his arms. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of him, but she couldn’t stop the tears. Maybe it was all that had happened in so short a time, or maybe the toll her illness had taken on her. She hid her face against his chest and cried her heart out. A small corner of her mind was grateful for his strength, the haven he provided. The comfort was too wonderful to ignore.

She
needed
him. It frightened her how much.

“It’s going to be all right, Abby,” he crooned. He held her tight and rubbed her back as sobs wracked her. He talked, but most of the words didn’t penetrate the blackness of her shattered dreams.

As evening approached, Jarrod found Abby at the waterfall. It pleased him that she sought comfort in the place he and Sally always had. Abby looked up when the sound of his boots on the rocks caught her attention.

“If you want me to go, I will,” he said. “But I’ve left you alone all day and I thought maybe you were ready to talk now.”

“I’m not very good company, Jarrod.”

“I didn’t come here to be entertained.”

She smiled. “That’s good.”

“Have you come to any conclusions?”

“Yes. I’m a fool,” she said grimly.

“Abby, don’t—”

“What?” she asked. “Say the truth? Why not? It wouldn’t be anything everyone else doesn’t already know. He didn’t leave to find work. He left because he didn’t want us, mother and Clint and me. Everyone tried to tell me, including you. I wanted to believe his story about making us a better life. But the truth is: a man doesn’t walk out on his family.”

“I’m sure there’s more to it than that.”

She shook her head. “Look at you. Four children came into your life out of the blue. Did you walk away from them?”

“No. But that was thanks to you. If you hadn’t made me see that they needed guidance and caring, I might have. Your father’s a weak man. His daughter is a strong, wonderful woman, in spite of what he did. Maybe because of it. The important thing is getting on with life.”

She sighed. “I’ve put mine on hold for years.”

“It’s your time, Abby. What are you going to do with it?” he asked.

He held his breath, hoping for a sign of how she felt.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s as if I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“You’re my wife, Abby.”

“Don’t be offended, but—I forgot.” She shook her head.

“Nothing has gone as we planned, has it?”

“No.”

“You didn’t want to get married any more than I did, and here we are. Married, and we didn’t even need to be. Donovan dropped his claim to the children, I have no reason to look for my father—We can have it annulled as soon as possible.”

That wasn’t exactly the sign he was hoping for. He hoped this was only her bitterness talking. She was wrong; he hadn’t wanted to be married at first. But he did now.

“What will you do if we get the annulment?” he asked.

“I’ll go back to Hollister. Find a job. Seems mine’s been taken. Henrietta may have work for me. There’s always chores to do in the Watering Hole—” She stopped and looked at him thoughtfully. “What do you mean ‘if’ we get the annulment?”

“Stay here.”

She looked at him, her blue eyes wide. “What?”

“You just said there’s no reason to leave. Your job’s been taken. Stay here.”

She stood up and her stubborn little chin rose a notch. “I don’t need your charity, Jarrod Blackstone.”

“It’s not charity.”

“I don’t need your pity either,” she snapped.

“You’re the last person in the world I’d pity.” Jarrod took a deep breath. “I want you to stay and be my wife.”

“Your wife? You mean—your
wife
?”

He nodded. “And a mother to the children. We all need you, Abby.”

“Aha.” Her eyes narrowed. “You still need help looking after the children. If I stay as your wife, you don’t have to pay me to be the housekeeper.”

“You know that’s not it. I’ll see that your brother finishes his schooling—”

“Don’t bother. It’s not your responsibility. I’m not your responsibility. The kids are. And I suggest you start looking for another housekeeper. As soon as I can, I’m going back to Hollister and getting that annulment.” She tapped her chest. “I have a place to go. Don’t think I don’t.”

She turned on her heel and walked away.

Jarrod sat on the rock she had just left and scratched his chin thoughtfully. He wasn’t sure what he’d said that had lit her fuse. He did need her. Not for the children, for him. Whatever happened, she would always be in his heart. He wanted her in his life, in his bed. He couldn’t imagine going on without her.

He’d come here to say straight out that he loved her.

He’d been trying to find the right moment, not wanting
to burden her while she was dealing with her father’s rejection.

He had to remember not to be sensitive again, he told himself.

Abruptly, Jarrod stood up. By God, he hadn’t gone through hell just to do nothing and let her walk out of his life. Abby had shown him how to give himself to the people he loved. He knew now why Dulcy had left. Not because of the isolation of the ranch, but because he hadn’t cared about her enough to be there for her. He wouldn’t make the same mistake with Abby. He couldn’t. Every moment away from her was a moment without color and light. His gut told him her decision to leave was rooted in pride. All he had to do was convince her that he loved her more than his own life.

It was time for action.

Time for the one thing that would keep her from getting that annulment.

“Abby, Gib’s takin’ us to see the Specific Ocean!”
Oliver ran into her room as Abby folded her clothes and set them on the bed. Her carpetbag was on the floor and she kicked it underneath the mattress. She didn’t want the child to see her packing. The boy looked at her pile of clothing, then back up to her. “Are ya comin’ with us?”

She shook her head. “I can’t. I have to—”

“Here you are, Oliver.” Jarrod leaned one broad shoulder against the doorjamb. His gaze drifted from her to the evidence that she was leaving, then back again.

“What’s this about the Pacific Ocean?” she asked.

“Oliver wants to see it.”

“Gib’s taking him?”

“Gib and Slim are taking all the kids. They’re camping out for a few days.”

“Why aren’t you taking them?” she asked suspiciously. “When did all this happen?”

“Gib and I decided last night. After I got back from the waterfall.”

What she wanted to ask was why no one had told her. But she figured she had given up that right when she informed Jarrod she was leaving. Tears burned her eyes, but
she’d rather walk naked in a hailstorm than let Oliver, and especially Jarrod, see her cry.

Oliver climbed up on the neatly made bed and swung his legs back and forth. “Uncle Jarrod gots lots of work to catch up on, on account of you ‘n’ me bein’ sick and him takin’ care of us.”

“You can’t put the trip off until you’re free to take them?” she asked Jarrod.

Oliver jumped down and folded his arms over his chest. “I been waitin’ t’see the Specific Ocean forever. I can’t wait no more.”

“Anymore,” Abby and Jarrod corrected him together.

They looked at each other and smiled. Then Abby’s amusement faded as a wave of pain washed over her. She hadn’t known how difficult it would be to leave. She loved the children.

And she loved Jarrod, more than she’d thought it was possible to love a man.

As much as she cared for the children, it would hurt too much to stay, knowing she was nothing more to him than a housekeeper. He had only married her to keep the children; he’d never planned for the situation to be permanent. Abby knew Jarrod didn’t like to take chances—a surefire road to failure, he’d once called it. Love was the biggest risk of all. He’d been burned once. Would he put himself in a position for it to happen again? Despite his assurance that he wanted her as a wife, she was afraid he only said it because he felt sorry for her. She wouldn’t be able to bear seeing the pity in his eyes grow day after day.

And it would, even though she knew he cared about her.

He’d awakened her to passion on their wedding night. But he hadn’t said a single word about loving her. Because he would never let himself love any woman. She was afraid another rejection, especially from Jarrod, would be more than she could take.

Feeling sorry for her would be just as bad. He was too good a man to send her away. But pride wouldn’t let her chance that she would never be more to him than someone to care for his children.

Tom raced into the room. “Abby! I got a name for my horse.”

“Tell me,” she said, trying to pretend an excitement she didn’t feel.

“I gotta ask you something first. Would you mind if I called her Abby?”

Her gaze met Jarrod’s amused one. Ordinarily she might be offended at having a horse named after her. But coming from Tom, it meant so much. Another wave of tears rushed into her eyes, and she fought to hold them back.

“It might be sort of confusing with two Abbys. Don’t you think?” Then she remembered she was leaving. “If you want to name her that, it’s fine with me, Tom.”

The boy scratched his forehead thoughtfully. “Hadn’t figured on it bein’ confusing. Guess I’ll think on it some more.” He tugged his brother toward the door. “Gib sent me to find you. We gotta put our stuff in the wagon. He’s ready to go.”

“Oh, boy!” Oliver exclaimed.

It was early afternoon when Jarrod stood beside Abby in front of the house and said good-bye to the children. He saw the pain etched on her face and knew the effort it took her not to release the tears she’d been holding back since that morning.

Abby kissed Oliver’s cheek. “Remember to go before you get in your bedroll.”

“Yes’m,” he said, giving her a hug.

Katie wrapped her arms around Abby’s neck. “I’m gonna miss you,” the little girl said. “What if I have a bad dream?”

“I’m sure you won’t,” Abby said. “But if you do, Gib will know what to do. He’ll take good care of you.”

As Jarrod lifted the two youngest into the back of the wagon, Abby gave Lily a hug and a kiss. Then she turned to Tom, hesitating. She stuck her hand out to shake his. The boy took it, then leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I’ll bring you back something special,” he said.

She merely nodded, and Jarrod knew it was because words would destroy her shaky control.

When everyone was in the wagon, Gib nodded to Jarrod. “You know where we’ll be. That stretch of shore just above Sanchez Canyon.”

“I know it,” Jarrod said. “You’ll be gone two days?”

“Any longer and we’ll get word to you.”

“Take good care of them, Gib.”

The old man nodded, then flicked the reins and the horses started forward. Jarrod and Abby called out goodbyes and waved until the wagon was out of sight. Jarrod looked down at her. A whole world of hurt hovered in her blue eyes.

So far his plan had gone ahead like clockwork. Out of all the plans he’d made since Abby came into his life, it was the only one that had. A good thing, since this was the most important.

He watched her as she strained for a last look at the children. Jarrod knew the precise moment when she realized they were completely alone. She looked toward the house, then up at him, and her body tensed.

“Jarrod, I’m going to finish packing my things and then I’m going back to town.”

“All right,” he said. “I’ll go with you and see you safely there.”

“No!” Her hand fluttered near her throat. “I mean that’s not necessary. I’ve made the trip so often, I could do it in my sleep. If you’ll loan me a horse, I’ll see it’s returned.”

He decided not to deal with that. Instead he went straight to her heart. “Do the kids know you won’t be here when they get back?”

She bit the corner of her lip. “No. It would spoil their trip. I couldn’t do that.” She turned and went into the house.

Jarrod caught her at the bottom of the staircase and gripped her upper arm to stop her. He turned her to face him. “How can you leave without saying good-bye to them?”

“It’s better that way—”

“For who? Not them. It must be better for you. Your
father may be weak and selfish, but at least he had the guts to face you when he left.”

“That’s not fair, Jarrod,” she cried.

“Damn straight. Like father, like daughter. You’re running away from the kids.”

“I’m not—”

“What are you afraid of, Abby?” He held up a hand to stop her protest. “You love the kids. You’ve never held back with them.”

“Of course I love them. I’d never hurt them deliberately.”

“Then it must be me you’re afraid of.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? You won’t let yourself care. You’re afraid of being hurt again.”

She pulled her arm from his grasp and stepped on the first stair. They were almost eye-to-eye, and hers were sparking like kerosene-fed flames.