Blood and Clay (13 page)

I
turned to Gabe and stared at him. I couldn
’
t speak, the world began to spin. Tree
branches and grey shadows began to spin, Tree roots blended with branches and I
forgot which way was up. I found myself sitting on the ground before I knew
what happened. Gabe quickly ran to my side and crouched down next to me.

“
Lizzie? What happened? What
’
s wrong?
”

“
Help me up Gabe. I just ... I lost my footing is all. I
think we have a lot to talk about. Let
’
s keep on until we get to the place I
want to show you then we can talk.
”

My
voice felt pathetic and small. I felt pathetic and small. How could I never
have known that the murder that had taken place in the haunted clearing was the
murder of my Pa?

When
we got to the clearing Gabe led his borrowed horse to the far edge, away from
the flowers and berries, where a patch of thick, bright grass covered the
ground. He stroked the horse
’
s mane for a second until it started chewing at the grass
then he came to sit to where I was standing and held his hand out to me. I took
his hand and sat down.

“
What happened back there?
”

“
I never knew that the murder in that clearing was my Pa
’
s. I never truly knew that he was
murdered. I half thought it were just chunnering of my Mam and Gran cos they
hated Old Chattox so much. Just another thing to blame on her. I can
’
t believe I never knew it was him
what died in that clearing. I just thought it were someone from one of the
villages or just a ghost story. No-one has ever told me proper what happened
there. I
’
ve just heard whisperings when I
’
ve been in the villages. Whisperings
of a murder but I never heard the full story. Now I find out it was my Pa. What
happened Gabe? You know more
‘
an me it seems.
”

“
Aye Lizzie. It seems I do.
”

“
Were it Mam what did it? Or Gran?
”

“
I don
’
t rightly know Lizzie but that
’
s not what the gossips say. MR
Nowell, Uncle Roger, he never hauled up anyone up to Lancaster Goal for it so I
think it
’
s all just gossip. No-one knows the truth; just that they
found your Pa dead in the clearing.
”

“
How did he die?
”
I pictured the stone slab, Mam and
Gran dancing round it making their figures of blood and clay. I was too scared
to think that they might have done it, that I could
’
ve been living with my Pa
’
s murderers all this time.

“
You don
’
t need to know Lizzie. It
‘
isn
’
t a picture you need in your head.
”
Gabe looked away from me, trying to
avoid my eye but I moved so he had to look at me.

“
It can
’
t be no worse than what I
’
m imagining Gabe. Can
’
t be worse, no way.
”

I
shook my head hard. Partly to show him that I meant it and partly to get rid of
the picture in my head; Pa led dead on the stone slab, Mam and Gran stood over
him with wicked smiles and knives, blood everywhere.

“
He were hung by the neck Lizzie. He was strung up with a
rope hung over a tree branch. His neck were broken so his head lolled like a
sack of wheat. I
’
m so sorry.
”

I
gasped. How had everyone missed what seemed so obvious to me? How had they
missed it all these years?

“
He killed himself!
”
I gasped.
“
He finally got sick of Mam and Gran
chunnering and chattering at him like vicious crows and he did
‘
himself in. My poor Pa. T
’
weren
’
t murder but it were their faults
alright. Vicious bitches drove
‘
im to
‘
is death they did.
”

I
was happy to know at last what had happened but didn
’
t know how to feel. Happy that I
knew? Relieved that it wasn
’
t murder? Sad to think of the pain he must have been going
through to get so bad as to kill himself? Furious at Mam and Gran for driving
him to it? The feelings all fought in my gut. Each feeling surfacing for a
moment just to be pushed back down by another emotion.

“
No Lizzie. It was murder an
’
it weren
’
t your Mam and Gran. You need to let
me finish the story. It weren
’
t just his neck damaged. His belly had been cut too. All
his insides were gone. The rumours started that it were old Chattox cos of some
argument about her thieving from your kin. Chattox didn
’
t deny it either. She bragged about
it but everyone were too scared to tell Uncle Roger and without any witnesses
there weren
’
t nowt he could do. The folk from the villages just left it
to your two families to fight it out between themselves. There weren
’
t no-one wanting to get in the middle
of a fight between two witch families. Sorry Lizzie but no-one cared enough
about your Pa to put their own families at risk.
”

As
Gabe spoke his voice got softer and he looked gently at me. I realised our
hands were still touching and I pulled mine away. We sat in silence for a
while, close enough to touch if we were to move but trying not to.

“
So what is this place anyway? It
’
s right pretty and no mistake.
”

“
Oh.
”
I had forgotten that he had never been here, that the only
other person who had was Nettie. Such a big moment but it had slipped by
without me realising. I felt ashamed, like a traitor to the place that had been
my refuge for so long and was now just an afterthought.

“
I found it a few years back. No-one knows about it. Just me
and Nettie, and now you.
”

“
It
’
s real nice Lizzie.
”

I
looked around. It was nice. The grass was now a sparkling carpet of bright
green and sitting on it had crushed the blades and made the fresh, sweet, nutty
smell rise into the still warm air. Out of the direct rays of the sun the
clearing was pleasantly warm but not dry. The abundance of plants and flowers
sent clouds of scent into the air. The strong smell of lavender mixed with the
sweet, powder smell of roses. From one of the trees cherries hung, from one
small crab apples and from a third plums. They were almost ripe enough now to
pick. Ripe for jams, wines and pies, if the pastry ingredients could be begged
or found. Even with the misery of home, summer always brought flavours which
made me glad to be alive.

Where
we sat grew a small patch of wild strawberries. Each one was a tiny red jewel,
sweet and miniature like a feast for the pixies. Gabe pinched one from its
stalk and crushed it between his fingers, squashing the red juice and tiny
yellow seeds into his fingers. He sucked the juice from his fingers and as he
pulled them out I saw that they were stained the colour of the berries. My eyes
flitted back to his lips which were also slightly tinged with red. I couldn
’
t draw my eyes away and a new feeling
tugged at my stomach making me tingle and mixing in to a dizzying stew with the
other feelings fighting for attention.

“
I can
’
t do this. It
’
s all too much.
”
I tore my eyes from Gabe
’
s lips.

“
What? I
’
m sorry about your Pa Lizzie. It must be tough for you.
”

“
It stopped hurting so much a long time ago. It
’
s just a surprise is all. Hearing
that it was him in that clearing makes it seem more real.
”
I studied my hands, trying not to
look at Gabe
’
s face. If possible the feelings that he was making bubble
inside me were scarier than any feelings about Ma or Gran.

“
Look I brought us some food.
”

Gabe
tipped out the contents of his bag. Cheese, bread and a flask of water tumbled
out. I smiled at him, daring to meet his eye but quickly looking just to the
side a bit as my stomach flipped. We ate and tried to chat normally for a
while. The bread was good and moist, made by Gabe
’
s Ma, and the cheese was the best I
’
d ever tasted, salty, creamy and sour
in equal measure. It crumbled as I bit into it and left greasy smears on my
fingers which I wiped on my skirt. Once we'd finished I gathered us some of the
fruit to eat. The crab apples we tried for fun, each of us pulling faces at the
sour, hard flesh, daring each other to eat more. The cherries were strong and
sweet, their taut, smooth skins giving way under our teeth to allow us access
to their firm flesh underneath. We pushed the stones into the earth with our
fingertips, wondering if any trees would grow from them. Hard to imagine a tree
could stand where we had pushed tiny stones, years after we were dead and
buried. Then we picked small bunches of sweet clover and chewed the thin,
fragile petals, enjoying their delicate sweetness before spitting them onto the
ground.

“
So what happened with Mr Law?
”

“
I really don
’
t know. One minute he was shouting
but then the next he was on the floor. He looked terrible and all twitchy.
”
I sighed. I had almost forgotten
about the peddler after the talk of Pa and the strange feelings I was having
about Gabe.

“
No that can
’
t be all Lizzie. Come on, this is me. Why would he say you
’
d done something?
”

“
Maybe I did.
”

I
lay back on the grass, dry now that that morning dew had given up its fight
against the rising heat. I stared up at the leaves and the glittering shimmers
of light which flitted into sight every time the leaves fluttered in the
breeze. The light was blocked out when Gabe
’
s face came into focus as he lay down
and leaned over me so that there was no escaping his eyes anymore.

“
What does that mean?
”
Gabe
’
s eyes weren
’
t challenging or even confused. The
look was one of concern and it made me feel guilty for not deserving it.

“
Maybe there
’
s something of my Mam in me. There was a black dog there.
Not a normal one though. It seemed to be guarding me and when the peddler
pushed me it growled at him and made as if to bite him. Maybe it were that what
made him fall down. Maybe I bewitched that dog and bewitched him and it is all
my fault.
”

With
that I couldn
’
t hold my tears back any more. Saying it out loud for the
first time brought my fears and guilt crashing in. I was going to be just like
my Mam and there weren
’
t nowt I could do about it. I would go to Hell, God wouldn
’
t want to know about me now and that
poor peddler and many other folk after him would suffer because of me, because
I was born evil. The tears spilled out of my eyes and slid down my cheeks. My
belly crunched and heaved as my tears turned to full blown sobs. Gabe scooped
me up into a sitting position and hugged me tight. His arms and chest felt wide
and hard but warm with it and I let myself relax into them as I cried. After
what seemed to be a lifetime I stopped crying but I felt so empty and tired.
All I wanted to do was sleep.