Bloodlines (45 page)

“Of course you’re not married,” Anthony huffed, “I can see the lack of rings. But you’ve got to be mates, you smell like it. And that’s even better than married.” He grinned at them both, pleased. “It’s a good thing, Jed. I’m happy for you, and I think it’s totally okay that you’re one human and one wolf.”

Jed could feel the irritation seeping in, a scowl tightening the lines of his forehead. “What the fuck does that mean?” he growled.

Anthony didn’t seem to notice Jed’s irritation. He leaned back in his chair, taking on a wistful smile. “It’s difficult to explain, but I’ll try. We call our partners mates. I’m sure Randall could go on a whole lecture about it, but I guess the main difference is, wolves tend to feel things a bit stronger than humans. Or at least we have more trouble letting go.” Anthony grinned. “It varies from wolf to wolf, how we find a partner. But in the end, we nearly always find our mate—someone that we could never think of leaving, someone that makes our life so much more whole than it ever was.”

He leaned forward, elbows on the table, studying them both. “And it’s the best thing that can ever happen to you.”

Jed didn’t want to hear this. Because then he’d start thinking about if he was that stupid
mate
thing to Redford, and what it’d mean if he wasn’t. What it might mean if he
was
. And why both answers scared the living hell out of him. “Yeah?” he smirked, cocky and disinterested, to hide everything that was behind the expression. “If it’s so damn great, where’s yours?”

If he was intending to insult Anthony enough to make him back off, Anthony didn’t take the bait. He just sighed into his coffee. “Somewhere that’s not here. I know he’s still alive. I think I’d feel it if he died. But he’s been for gone for a while.”

It struck Jed then that Anthony looked like a man who was missing his other half. Like there was something very lopsided about him when he sat alone, as if there should be someone sitting at his side. Jed didn’t want to know what that felt like. More than anything, he never wanted to find that out.

Chewing the inside of his cheek, Jed looked down, shaking his head. “We’re not mates,” he muttered roughly. “End of story.”

Because if they were, then he was going to wind up just like Anthony.

“Well, um,” Redford hedged, “it sounds fairly accurate to me.”

Before Jed had the chance to reply, Anthony brightened again, beaming at them. “I knew it. Jed, you just don’t have the instincts, you probably can’t tell. And that’s okay! But I think after a while even a human will start to get it, so if you’ve been together for nearly a year, you’ll get it soon.”

“Yeah, ’cause I’m not wolf enough, right?” Jed nodded sharply, a far too wide grin on his face. “I don’t
get
a lot of stuff about him. Like what he needs. Like how to even handle a wolf or full moons or any of that shit that just comes
so
goddamn natural to everyone else in this freak show. Right?” He stood, kicking his chair back, nearly upsetting his coffee. “You know what, I think I’m going for a walk.”

Anthony had gone wide-eyed, like he was appalled at himself for saying something that could be taken as an insult. “That’s not what I meant,” he protested. “It’s not a bad thing that you just need a little longer to learn this stuff, Jed. Hell, if Randall and Victor do wind up getting together, Victor will need to learn all this too.”

“Please, for all that is holy, do not fucking compare me to the goddamn
princess
, all right?” Jed threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine. It’s great that I’m ruining Redford’s life, you’re right. Goddamn adorable.”

He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Especially not with Redford looking at him with those big eyes, those endless depths he’d gotten lost in so many times. It made Jed ache. It made him emotional and weak, because he got so afraid of losing Redford that he couldn’t think about what was best for him.

“Jed.” Redford sounded unsure and unhappy all at the same time. Jed felt Redford take his hand, reaching out for him. “You haven’t ruined my life. You’ve made it so much better.”

Staring down at the floor so he wouldn’t have to see Redford, so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact and pull up a fake smirk and pretend, Jed just gave a quiet nod. “Ask Anthony over there if that’s even remotely true.” A sad, quick smile touched his lips. “Hell, ask anyone. Ask them what they think of me shutting you up on full moons. On the fact that the only hunting you’ve ever done is stalking the hot dogs I throw around. How about the fact I taught you to kill, huh? Isn’t that so much
better
, that I took you, that I took this perfect guy, and I twisted you? I shoved you into a fucking
cage
, and I let you fester in there because I was too
goddamn selfish
—” His voice had risen to a shout, a self-loathing bellow, and Jed choked back the rest of the words. Jaw tightening, lips trembling into a sardonic smirk, he turned away. “I’m going for a walk. Don’t wait around for me, Redford.”

There was no reply from Redford, and Jed was glad his back was turned. He didn’t want to see whatever expression Redford was wearing right then: understanding, anger, sudden realization, he didn’t know. He just knew he didn’t want to see it. Because no matter what, it wouldn’t change where they were.

He slammed the door of the cafeteria shut behind him. It wasn’t as satisfying as it should have been. Hands in his jacket pockets, head down, Jed walked quickly across the camp. The dew on the grass under his feet soaked his jeans. The air held his breath in a trail of fog.

She was waiting for him. Maybe she’d known he was coming; maybe it was inevitable that he wind up there. Either way, when Jed knocked on the Gray Lady’s door, she opened it immediately, gesturing for him to come in.

This time, Jed didn’t bluster or bellow or fight. He simply sat, waiting as the Gray Lady made tea, waiting as she settled in opposite him. Waiting with his mind racing, with a sick drop of dread in his stomach. Why had he said all of that? Why had he told Redford
any
of that? He’d just ruined fucking everything.

“The Council has come to a decision.” When the Gray Lady finally spoke, it took Jed several moments to figure out what she was talking about.

He didn’t care. Christ, that made him a bastard, but he didn’t. This whole fucking camp, they could go, stay, fight, turn into goddamn chickens and roost and he
didn’t care
. All he could think about was Redford. But Jed scrubbed a hand through his hair, he sat up a little straighter, and he did his damn job. That was what he was, anyway. Just the job. He was an idiot for forgetting that. “Yeah? What’s the verdict?”

“We will run.” Jed couldn’t read the Gray Lady; she was all smooth voice and grace. But he kind of thought she sounded sad. “As soon as possible. The potential loss of life if we stay is too great.”

Jed nodded. “I don’t think that’s a bad idea—” There was a yip from the corner, a quick patter of paws, and then an unsteady fluff ball of a wolf pup came charging out from under a pile of cushions. It was all huge paws and a tail waving like an energetic flag. The puppy crashed into Jed’s knee and barked happily at him before making its wobbling way over to the Gray Lady. She picked it up and smiled at it, cradling the pup in her arms.

“My apologies.” The Gray Lady smiled. “This is my daughter. She usually sleeps much later than this.”

“Loss of life,” Jed nodded, understanding. Apparently the Gray Lady still had some game, if she was popping out kids. He wondered how old she really was. “Your kid.”

“They are all my children, in a way.” The Gray Lady rubbed her hand behind the pup’s ears, settling her down. “But yes. We have young here who wouldn’t be able to fight. Running might be the best way to keep them safe.”

“Probably.” Jed drummed his fingers against the table. “Well, I’ll make some calls. Arrange transport, that kind of thing.”

“We will be appreciative.” The Gray Lady nodded.

Fidgeting, Jed nearly said more. He nearly asked all the things he’d wanted to. But the stupid fluff ball was wiggling in her arms, and Jed found he really didn’t want to know. He couldn’t even think of where to start.

“You have something on your mind,” the Gray Lady commented, her eyes on her daughter. “Speak it. We owe you a debt, and I will give my counsel if you wish it.”

Crap. Jed heaved out a breath, staring up the ceiling. “Look, I know you don’t approve of the whole human-with-wolf thing.”

“I do not.” The Gray Lady said it so damn calmly.

It would have been nice for her to be a
little
less blunt, but whatever. “Okay, fine. But Redford… he’s going through something. He’s got these… voices, I guess? Or instincts. Something going on in his head. And I thought I was helping, I thought I
could
help. But he’s getting worse. He goes into this kind of blood haze, I guess, sometimes. And I lose him.” Jed’s voice cracked. His eyes dropped to stare at his hands, refusing to look up at the Gray Lady. “I mean, he’s just…
gone
.” His bandage itched under his shirt, the pull of the wound still painful. “And it’s getting worse. One of these days, I’m pretty sure he’s going to go wherever it is he goes, and I’m not going to get him back.”

If he’d expected shock from her, he clearly wasn’t going to get it. She just studied him, one of her hands absently smoothing over her now-sleeping daughter. “And have you bonded? Is this more than just a series of dates for you?”

Christ. Jed had denied it in front of Anthony. He’d shout from the rooftops how he wasn’t anyone’s fucking
mate
, that this wasn’t what they were trying to turn it into. But the Gray Lady was just staring at him, infinitely calm, infinitely patient, infinitely a gigantic bitch waiting to rip his head off for lying. And Jed found himself nodding slowly, biting the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood. “I don’t know about bonding or whatever the shit,” he muttered hoarsely. “But I love him. Yeah. I… fuck, I love him. So whatever that means in your furry mumbo jumbo.”

“That’s unfortunate.” The Gray Lady wasn’t even looking at him now, apparently too busy fussing over her daughter. “Had you replied that you merely liked him, I would have cautioned you against getting too involved. In all my years, I have seen very few instances of wolves truly managing to live happy lives with humans. You are simply too short-lived.”

“But what about his….” Jed circled his finger beside his ear, eyebrows rising. “I mean, that’s not normal, right? Other wolves or whatever, they don’t have problems with their instincts like Red does.”

“No,” the Gray Lady answered. For once, there was a hint of something other than complete calm in her tone. “That is Filtiarn’s fault. The others that he turned received the full procedure; they were transitioned completely. Redford was not that lucky, and I have never before seen someone stuck halfway between a werewolf and a true wolf. It is a state of being that is simply not meant to happen.”

Expression falling, Jed rubbed his hand across his face. His fingers were shaking, he noticed absently. That was fucking embarrassing. He wished they’d stop. “So there’s nothing that can help him?”

“The voices you speak of, and the way he loses himself, those are products of confused instincts,” she replied, a faint sigh underneath her words. “Werewolves were Filtiarn’s first attempt to create more wolves like him. They are an abomination. What Redford is going through is a clash between those instincts and the ones of the true wolf. His mind cannot pick one, so there is chaos.”

“Okay, I think you have me confused with the professor.” Jed couldn’t help the desperate growl in his voice, the needy way he was searching her face for the answers she seemed so intent on keeping from him. “I don’t care
why
. The whole stupid history, I don’t give a fuck. I’m just looking for a solution. Is there a way he can get better?”

“Yes.” It sounded simple, said in her patient tone. “He would need to be with his own kind. He would need to be free to roam where he wants when he feels the need to turn. That is what would help him.”

Jed wasn’t unaccustomed to pain. He’d gotten things broken or burned or bruised more times than he could ever count. He’d been tortured, he’d been torn apart and put back together and stepped on Legos in the middle of the fucking night. Jed knew pain. And he’d insulated himself against it, in some respects. It was part of the job, it was expected, so he got used to the sensation of hurting.

That hurt more. More than anything he’d ever experienced, more than anything Jed knew how to handle. The blunt assessment that
he
was part of the problem, that the answer to Redford’s issues lay in everything he wasn’t, it felt like more than a punch to the gut. Jed was fairly certain that he had a gaping hole where his chest used to be.

“He should stay here,” Jed managed in a whisper, gaze locked firmly on the table in front of him, staring sightlessly down at the wood grain. “That’s what you’re saying. He needs to be with other wolves. Not me.”

He wanted her to say no. He wanted her to change her mind and say that, no, she thought it was completely okay that a wolf and a human be together. There had to be
some
kind of silver lining on this shit cloud, and Jed kept desperately hoping it would appear. Something he could do, some clear course he could map out and arrange so that everything would be fine. So that he could take Redford goddamn
fishing
.

“Exactly,” she replied. “You are a good man, Jed, even I can see that. You make a fine partner. But you are a
man
. Not a wolf.”

“I love him,” Jed whispered, hating how much of a plea was in his voice.

At least she didn’t look unsympathetic. “Then that will be hard for you. But wolves know what is better for wolves, and living with this pack would be the best thing for Redford.”

“I could stay here.” God, he couldn’t think, he could barely breathe around the ache in his throat. “With him. I’d go native or whatever the fuck I had to.”

The Gray Lady gave a short sigh. Her eyes were once again on her daughter. When she spoke, her tone was kind, but firm. “And what happens when you start to grow old and he does not? True wolves do not live as long as I, but much longer than humans. What happens when you can’t run with him, when he really wants to run? What happens when your knees start creaking with the cold, and while you attempt to hide it, Redford runs circles around you, never quite understanding why you can’t keep up. And what of yourself? Do you really think you could live here, among a people that are not your own? Would you be happy, hiding away? Would you be able to provide for him, give him a family, give him a
true
mate?”