Bloodsucking fiends
Read Bloodsucking fiends Online
Authors: Christopher Moore
Tags: #Mystery, #Fiction - General, #Suspense, #Women, #Vampires, #Humorous, #Horror, #Contemporary, #General, #Romance, #Fantasy, #Popular American Fiction, #California, #Paranormal, #San Francisco (Calif.), #Fiction, #Romance - Fantasy, #Love Stories
Christopher Moore
Bloodsucking Fiends - A Love
Story
Contents
Chapter 4 – Blooms and the City of Burned Clutches
Chapter 5 – Undead and Somewhat Slightly Dazed
Chapter 8 – Dinner with the Vampire
Chapter 10 – Walking, Talking, and Bumping in the Night
Chapter 11 – Lather, Rinse, Repent
Chapter 12 – Fashionably Doomed
Chapter 13 – To-Do List of the Fashionably Doomed
Chapter 14 – Two Losts Do Not Make a Found
Chapter 15 – Learning the Licks
Chapter 16 – Heartwarming and UL-Approved
Chapter 17 – This Month's Makeover: The Faces of Fear
Chapter 18 – Bugeater of the Barbary Coast
Chapter 19 – Judy's Delicate Condition
Chapter 22 – A Nod to the Queen of the Damned
Chapter 23 – Mom and Terrapin Pie
Chapter 24 – The Return of Breakfast
Chapter 26 – At the End of the Night…
Chapter 27 – Bridging the Boredom
Chapter 28 – Is That a Blackjack in Your Pocket?
Chapter 31 – He Was an Ex-Con, She Was Defrosted…
Chapter 32 – All for One, and… Well, You Know
Chapter 34 – Hell Breaks Loose
Back Cover Blurbs
"Goofy grotesqueries… wonderful… delicious… bloody funny… like a hip and youthful 'Abbott and Costello Meet the Lugosis.' " –
San Francisco Chronicle
Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching neck, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her. Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and that's where C. Thomas Flood fits in. A would-be Kerouac from Incontinence, Indiana, Tommy (to his friends) is biding his time night-clerking and frozen turkey bowling in a San Francisco Safeway. But all that changes when a beautiful, undead redhead walks through the door… and proceeds to rock Tommy's life – and afterlife – in ways he never imagined possible.
A wildly original story of romance, lust, bloodlust, and blood loss – from the author of
Coyote Blue
and
Practical Demonkeeping
.
"Delightful… highly recommended… filled with oddball characters, clever dialogue and hilarious situations." –
Library Journal
"Moore's storytelling style is reminiscent of Vonnegut and Douglas Adams." –
Philadelphia Inquirer
"A series of bizarre misadventures that take place at breakneck speed in a variety of interesting locales. The dialogue is sharp and from the hip, the pace frenetic, and the situations tinged with a healthy dose of the supernatural… Moore is one of those rare writers who is laugh-out-loud funny." –
Santa Barbara Independent
This is a work of fiction.
Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
AVON BOOKS, INC.
1350 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York 10019
Copyright © 1995 by Christopher Moore
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 95-1463
ISBN: 0-380-72813-3
www3.pikebooks.com
All rights reserved, which includes the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever except as provided by
U.S. Copyright Law.
First Spike Printing: April 1999
First Avon Books Trade Printing: October 1999
Acknowledgements
The author gratefully acknowledges those people who helped in the research and writing of
Bloodsucking Fiends
:
Mark Joseph and Mark Anderson for help with research in the Bay Area. Rachelle Stambal, Jean Brody, Liz Ziemska, and Dee Dee Leichtfuss for their careful reads and thoughtful suggestions. My editors, Michael Korda and Chuck Adams, for their clean hands and composure. And my agent, Nick Ellison, for his patience, guidance, friendship, and hard work.
In memory of my father:
Jack Davis Moore
Part I – Fledgling
Sundown painted purple across the great Pyramid while the Emperor enjoyed a steaming whiz against a dumpster in the alley below. A low fog worked its way up from the bay, snaked around columns and over concrete lions to wash against the towers where the West's money was moved. The financial district: an hour ago it ran with rivers of men in gray wool and women in heels; now the streets, built on sunken ships and gold-rush garbage, were deserted – quiet except for a foghorn that lowed across the bay like a lonesome cow.
The Emperor shook his scepter to clear the last few drops, shivered, then zipped up and turned to the royal hounds who waited at his heels. "The foghorn sounds especially sad this evening, don't you think?"
The smaller of the dogs, a Boston terrier, dipped his head and licked his chops.
"Bummer, you are so simple. My city is decaying before your eyes. The air is thick with poison, the children are shooting each other in the street, and now this plague, this horrible plague is killing my people by the thousands, and all you think about is food."
The Emperor nodded to the larger dog, a golden retriever.
"Lazarus knows the weight of our responsibility. Does one have to die to find dignity? I wonder."
Lazarus lowered his ears and growled. "Have I offended you, my friend?"
Bummer began growling and backing away from the dumpster. The Emperor turned to see the lid of the dumpster being slowly lifted by a pale hand. Bummer barked a warning. A figure stood up in the dumpster, his hair dark and wild and speckled with trash, skin white as bone. He vaulted out of the dumpster and hissed at the little dog, showing long white fangs. Bummer yelped and cowered behind the Emperor's leg.
"That will be quite enough of that," the Emperor commanded, puffing himself up and tucking his thumbs under the lapels of his worn overcoat.
The vampire brushed a bit of rotted lettuce from his black shirt and grinned. "I'll let you live," he said, his voice like a file on ancient rusted metal. "That's your punishment."
The Emperor's eyes went wide with terror, but he held his ground. The vampire laughed, then turned and walked away.
The Emperor felt a chill run up his neck as the vampire disappeared into the fog. He hung his head and thought, Not this. My city is dying of poison and plague and now this – this creature – stalks the streets. The responsibility is suffocating. Emperor or not, I am only a man. I am weak as water: an entire empire to save and right now I would sell my soul for a bucket of the Colonel's crispy-fried chicken. Ah, but I must be strong for the troops. It could be worse, I suppose. I could be the Emperor of Oakland.
"Chins up, boys," the Emperor said to his hounds. "If we are to battle this monster, we will need our strength. There is a bakery in North Beach that will presently be dumping the day-old. Let's be off." He shuffled away thinking, Nero fiddled while his empire went to ashes; I shall eat leathery pastries.
As the Emperor trudged up California Street, trying to balance the impotence of power with the promise of a powdered-sugar doughnut, Jody was leaving the Pyramid. She was twenty-six and pretty in a way that made men want to tuck her into flannel sheets and kiss her on the forehead before leaving the room; cute but not beautiful.
As she passed under the Pyramid's massive concrete buttresses she caught herself limping from a panty-hose injury. It didn't hurt, exactly, the run that striped the back of her leg from heel to knee, the result of a surly metal file drawer (Claims, X-Y-Z) that had leaped out and snagged her ankle; but she was limping nonetheless, from the psychological damage. She thought, My closet is starting to look like an ostrich hatchery. I've either got to start throwing out L'eggs eggs or get a tan on my legs and quit wearing nylons.
She'd never had a tan, couldn't get one, really. She was a milk-white, green-eyed redhead who burned and freckled with sun.
When she was half a block from her bus stop, the wind-driven fog won and Jody experienced total hair-spray failure. Neat waist-length waves frizzed to a wild red cape of curl and tangle. Great, she thought, once again I'll get home looking like Death eating a cracker. Kurt will be so pleased.
She pulled her jacket closer around her shoulders against the chill, tucked her briefcase under her breasts like a schoolgirl carrying books, and limped on. Ahead of her on the sidewalk she saw someone standing by the glass door of a brokerage office. Green light from the CRTs inside silhouetted him in the fog. She thought about crossing the street to avoid him, but she'd have to cross back again in a few feet to catch her bus.
She thought, I'm done working late. It's not worth it. No eye contact, that's the plan.
As she passed the man, she looked down at her running shoes (her heels were in her briefcase). That's it. Just a couple more steps…
A hand caught in her hair and jerked her off her feet, her briefcase went skittering across the sidewalk and she started to scream. Another hand clamped over her mouth and she was dragged off the street into an alley. She kicked and flailed, but he was too strong, immovable. The smell of rotten meat filled her nostrils and she gagged even while trying to scream. Her attacker spun her around and yanked on her hair, pulling her head back until she thought her neck would snap. Then she felt a sharp pain on the side of her throat and the strength to fight seemed to evaporate.
Across the alley she could see a soda can and an old
Wall Street Journal
, a wad of bubble gum stuck to the bricks, a "No Parking" sign: details, strangely slowed down and significant. Her vision began to tunnel dark, like an iris closing, and she thought, These will be the last things I see. The voice in her head was calm, resolved.
As everything went dark, her attacker slapped her across the face and she opened her eyes and saw the thin white face before her. He was speaking to her. "Drink," he said.
Something warm and wet was shoved into her mouth. She tasted warm iron and salt and gagged again. It's his arm. He's shoved his arm in my mouth and my teeth have broken. I'm tasting blood. "Drink!"
A hand clamped over her nose. She struggled, tried to breathe, tried to pull his arm out of her mouth to get air, sucked for air and nearly choked on blood. Suddenly she found herself sucking, drinking hungrily. When he tried to pull his arm away she clutched at it. He tore it from her mouth, twisted her around and bit her throat again. After a moment, she felt herself fall. The attacker was tearing at her clothes, but she had nothing left to fight with. She felt a roughness against the skin of her breasts and belly, then he was off her.
"You'll need that," he said, and his voice echoed in her head as if he had shouted down a canyon. "Now you can die."
Jody felt a remote sense of gratitude. With his permission, she gave up. Her heart slowed, lugged, and stopped.