Blue Saturn (12 page)

The show is full of energy. They’ve been playing for over an hour now, with a bit of clowning around between songs. A few times during the concert, Mike has looked my way and smiled. I smile back, although I’m not sure he can see me.

I wriggle on the seat, trying to get comfortable. My back feels sore from sitting, or because I’m too tense. I’m too uptight. I am at my very first live concert. I should be out there with the fans, lapping up the atmosphere. I need to be out there with the fans, because I am a fan. I should be dancing and screaming out and...I need to loosen up. I need to have some fun. Surely I’ve earned that.

I stand up from my chair and head back down the small staircase. I see one of the security guards from earlier and ask if he’ll take me out front. He nods and leads the way. He takes me to the side of the barricaded area directly in front of the stage. He grabs me under the knees and around the back and lifts me over the fence. Then he takes two steps backward and stays there. He motions for me to move forward.

I turn around and look into the crowd. There are about four rows of people in front of me. But I’m standing on the very edge of the crowd. I want to be in the thick of it. I push toward the centre of the crowd and surprisingly people let me past. When the next song starts, I’m standing at the centre to the stage. I look up and Mike is looking down at me. He points and winks at me. Then he turns around and says something to the boys. Gavin searches the crowd before he sees me and smiles at me too.

Mike approaches the microphone. “Apparently, this song is good to jump on beds to. So let me see some jumping.” He turns around and says something to Steve and Steve starts the intro to ‘Paradise Street,’ the song Mike caught me jumping on the bed to. I laugh as Mike grabs hold of the microphone in his hand and starts jumping, encouraging the crowd to jump with him. Soon enough, the entire stadium is jumping. And I’m standing still, watching thousands of people move to Mike’s command.

When I look back to the stage, Mike is looking at me smiling, his eyebrows raised. He should’ve started singing by now, but he’s waiting for something. The intro repeats and he still doesn’t sing.

He’s waiting for me.

So I do the only thing I can do under the circumstances. I shrug off my inhibitions and I start to jump. I jump and move with the crowd and soak up the atmosphere. Mike starts to sing, walking toward the far edge of the stage. He looks so natural up there. After the first verse, he walks back to centre stage and as he sings the chorus, he looks down at me and sings through his smile. I smile back and keep jumping, living it up and loving every minute of it.

“Are you having a good time?” Mike yells out to the crowd before he takes a swig of his drink.

I join the crowd in yelling out our affirmative answer.

Mike smiles. “This next song goes out to a special girl with a promise, a promise that better times are ahead. This song is for Lyndsay.”

And he starts singing the song we sang together before the show. It’s a sad song and I don’t know why he’s chosen to dedicate it to me. It’s a song about a boy and a girl who fall in love at first sight, spend one night together, and the next day she dies.

It certainly doesn’t ring true to our relationship. There was definitely no love between Mike and I when we first met and I doubt there ever could be. But as he sings, I hear a line in the second verse that hits me right in the chest.

“If you can’t be here for me, will your love for him keep you near?”

He changed the words. The words are normally sung: ‘If you can’t be here with me, will your love for us keep you near?’

But he changed them.
‘If you can’t be here for me, will your love for him keep you near?”

My love for Mikey.

He wants me to stay. Forever? Or just until they get back from the UK?

But he...he wants me to stay for him?

Is that what he’s asking me?

“If you can’t be here for me...”

He wants me to stay for him. He’s asking me to...

He can’t possibly be...

I can’t possibly...

I stop moving in the swaying crowd and look up at him as he finishes the song. He hasn’t looked at me and when they start up the next song, he still doesn’t look at me.

I’m a tidal wave of cluttered emotions and wrongly sung lyrics as I push my way back through the crowd, climb over the barricade and run backstage.

I open the door to the room where Mikey is sleeping soundly. Wayne stands up when I enter. I’m breathing heavily from my short run.

“Are you all right, Lyndsay?” Wayne asks.

“Yes, I’m fine. But I’d like to go back to the hotel if that’s okay?”

“That’s fine. I’ll have the car bought around.”

I go to Mikey’s side and look down at him. He is still sleeping soundly, completely unaware of what his father has just done. And in my own confusion, I’m not even sure I know myself.

I’m tucking a blanket around Mikey after buckling him in to his seat. He’s awake, but his eyelids are fighting to stay open. He’ll fall back to sleep once the car starts moving.

The back door to the van opens and Mike gets in. “Did you enjoy the show?” he asks me as he takes a seat in front of Mikey.

I wasn’t expecting to see him. I thought he’d stay back stage after the show to “entertain” his fans. He is wet with sweat and looks tired.

“I did very much. Thank you. And thanks for dedicating that song to me. I’ll never forget that.”

“Good.” Mike reaches back and gives Mikey’s leg a soft squeeze. “Hey little man.”

“Hi Mike. Did you find Indsy’s virnigity?”

Mike throws his head back in laughter. “Unfortunately once lost, it can never be recovered.” He looks at me and smiles. “He’s sharp.”

“He sure is,” I say.

Wayne looks at Mike in the mirror. “Are you coming back to the hotel?”

“I sure am,” Mike answers. “I need an early night.”

We drive back to the hotel in silence. Mike carries Mikey to our apartment and puts him into bed. “Good night little man,” Mike says before he kisses Mikey’s forehead.

“Night, Mike.”

Mike closes the door. “Can we talk?” he asks me.

“Sure.” I follow him out to the living area.

He stops in the middle of the large room and turns around to me. “I’m sorry if I freaked you out, dedicating that song to you.”

“No, no you didn’t freak me out.”

“It’s just that, you left straight after the song and I didn’t know how else to ask again for you to stay. I’d really like you to stay. Will you stay?”

His eyebrows furrow as he waits for my answer. I’m going to stay. I’ve already decided that. If not for Mike then definitely for Mikey; that little boy has crawled into my heart and I’ve fallen head over heels in love with him. “Of course I’ll stay.”

Mike’s face relaxes. His entire body relaxes. “Thank you Lyndsay.” Then he steps closer to me. “And I meant what I said. I’m going to try harder to be a better person, to be a better father.” He lifts his hand and his eyes move to my white streak of hair. He takes the colourless strands in his fingers and lets them fall slowly back to my shoulder.

I’m holding my breath again. He is so close to me. I can smell his manly scent, a strangely intoxicating scent of tobacco and pure masculinity. I can feel the heat radiating from his body. I can hear his deep breaths. I can see the intensity in his eyes.

And as though he’s been working his way through his own list of senses, he says, “I want to taste you.” He holds my cheek in his palm and leans down to me.

But I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t be that girl again, the girl who sleeps with the men close to her and wakes up feeling filthy.

I take a step backward and watch as Mike’s face crumbles into shame.

“I’m sorry Lyndsay. I thought it’s what you wanted.” He takes a step back and turns around.

“Wait,” I reach out and take his arm, forcing him to look back at me. “Mike, I’ve had an amazing night. You were right. I will never forget tonight.”

“I’m beginning to think it will be for all the wrong reasons.”

“No. It will be for all the right ones.” I run my hand down his arm to his fingers and hold onto them. “Ten or so days ago, I watched you snort drugs off a women’s chest before dousing her in vodka.” I smile and squeeze his fingers to reassure him that I’m not angry. “I’m in no position to judge you. But you need to know...there are things about me, about my past that...I can’t be a part of that scene anymore. You were right when you said I’ve seen enough crap in my own life to not want to see anymore. I don’t expect you to change for me. I wouldn’t want you to change. But it’s all a bit too fresh for me.” I step closer to him. “I hope we can be friends. I’d really like to be your friend.”

He nods slowly. “Friends.”

I smile and step on my tip toes. I kiss his cheek softly and as I lower my body down, I look back into his eyes. He smiles at me and releases my hand. Then he turns and walks away.

12.

It is an absolutely beautiful day in Brisbane today so I’ve taken Mikey to South Bank Beach. It’s not a real beach. It’s a man made lagoon in the middle of the city. But the colour of the water is beautiful and there is enough sand to build sand castles and enough shade so as not to get sunburnt.

We’ve got a nice little spot under a palm tree and Mikey is running back and forth from the water collecting wet sand to mix with dry sand to build a massive sand castle. I hope he has the skills needed to build this massive sand castle, because I certainly don’t.

He’s collected sticks and bark to decorate the castle with as there are no sea shells or seaweed.

“It needs to be higher,” he says, jumping and holding his hands above his head. “Like this high.”

“Okay,” I say and push more sand up.

He runs back to the water and grabs another bucket full of wet sand.

That’s when I see it. A man on the other side of the lagoon holding a large camera with a large lens attached to the front.

I instantly tense up as Mikey runs back toward me.

“Come on Indsy. We need to make it higher.” He dumps the wet sand on top of the mound of sand we’ve already gathered and starts patting it down.

I love that he is so completely unaware of what’s going on. As long as the photographer keeps his distance, surely no harm can be done. But I know Mike wouldn’t like not knowing. And I also know, Mike didn’t get back to the apartment until well into the early hours of the morning. At most, he’s probably only had five hours sleep.

But I need to call him, he needs to know.

Surprisingly, he answers on the second ring.

“Hey.” His voice is gravelly and I hear him yawn.

“Sorry to wake you. But...well...I’m with Mikey. We’re down at the lagoon beach and there’s a photographer taking photos of us.”

“Where exactly are you?”

I give him our whereabouts and he says to stay where we are. He doesn’t want to alarm Mikey. He ends the call abruptly and I know I’ll be seeing him soon.

“Is Mike coming?” Mikey asks.

“I think he will.”

“Are people going to take our picture again?”

“I don’t know, Mikey. We’ll see. But for now, let’s see how big we can get this sand castle.”

It’s only twenty minutes later that Mike, Gavin and Wayne turn up, looking like beach going tourists. They all have their swimmers on. Mike’s wearing a cap and sunglasses, trying to look incognito but Gavin’s purple hair soon gives their identity up and soon people are noticing they are in the presence of celebrity.

It starts with a young girl, asking if she can have Mike’s autograph. Then the phone comes out, photos are taken with her, Mike and Gavin and then a young boy approaches. As more people approach, Mike and Gavin slowly step further and further away from us, leaving us with Wayne.

Mikey looks up at his father and smiles. “He has a lot of friends.”

I smile. “He sure does.”

That must suck. Being recognised everywhere you go. I’d hate it. What if Mike was having a bad day and didn’t want to be harassed by his fans? What if he just wanted to sit and spend a few hours on the beach with his son and not have his photo taken and to not have to sign shirts and chests and shopping receipts? Maybe he doesn’t feel like being charming and smiling. Goodness knows I wouldn’t after having only five hours sleep.

I notice the photographer from earlier standing a lot closer now and a few other professional paparazzi have gathered too. The crowd around Mike and Gavin grows, but doesn’t get out of hand. In all, they spend about an hour with the swarm of people before Mike finally asks for a bit of privacy so he can spend some time with his son.

The crowd disperses and Mike and Gavin walk back to us. Mike lowers himself down next to me and discreetly puts his hand over mine. “Thanks for calling me.”

“I wasn’t sure that it was the right thing to do.”

“It was the right thing to do.” Then he looks at Mikey. “I reckon this sand castle needs to be at least ten times taller.”

“Yeah.” Mikey jumps up again, stretching his arms out above his head. “It needs to be this big.”

Gavin and I are sitting in the water, cooling off. It’s getting close to midday and the sun is warming up nicely.

“Why do you always wear a t-shirt when we’re swimming?” Gavin asks me.

It’s only the third time I’ve been swimming since I’ve been on tour with the band and every time I’ve worn my black swim shirt. It does a pretty good job of keeping my back and neck covered. “It keeps the sun off me.”

“No there’s another reason because if you were worried about the sun, you’d just wear sunscreen, like I’ve seen you do on your legs and face and arms.”

I smile and splash him. “Have you been watching me?”

Gavin laughs. “I’m not going to deny it. There is nothing sexier than watching a woman rub cream on her legs, especially when the legs are as gorgeous as yours.”

I splash him again. “You’re such a dirty old man.”

“I’m not old,” he says, without denying the dirty part. “So tell me. Do you have a birthmark that looks like a penis?”

I laugh hard and shake my head. “No.”

“What then?”

I stop laughing and take a deep breath. “If you must know, I have a hideously demonic dragon tattoo that wraps around my entire torso.”

Gavin doesn’t laugh. Instead he lunges at me and dunks me under the water.

I don’t have time to plan a counter attack. By the time I sit up again, he’s fleeing the water and is taking refuge behind Wayne.

Fine, he can have that one. I flip him the bird.

I pull my hair from my face and wipe the water from eyes.

“Are you okay?” Mike is standing over me.

“Yeah, I deserved it. I picked on his tattoo.”

“God it’s awful.” Mike sits down in the water next to me. “He got it two years ago when we were in Thailand. It’s the worse tattoo I’ve ever seen.”

“Did you get one too?”

“Me? Nar, my skin is virginal.”

I raise my eyebrows sceptically at him as he laughs at his own joke.

“You?” he asks.

“No way. I was going to, after my mum died. I wanted to get her name tattooed on my left wrist, but my step brother said to wait until I didn’t feel so emotional. I’m glad he stopped me. I think I would’ve regretted it.”

“How did your mum die?” Mike asks.

“Cancer,” I reply. “Lung cancer. She was a pack a day smoker since she was seventeen.”

“How old were you when she died?”

“She died just before my sixteenth birthday.”

“That must’ve been tough.”

“It was. She’d only been married to my step dad for a year when she was diagnosed. She fought it pretty hard, but in the end there was only so much battle in her.” I look down at the water. “If it hadn’t been for my step brother...well he saw me through the hard days.”

Mike looks down at his hands in the water. “My mum died from cancer too, breast cancer. I was twenty.”

“I’m sorry,” I say because it’s all I can say.

“It sucks watching them die.”

I nod in agreement. A question begins to form in my mind and before it’s even a full thought, it’s already spilling out from my lips. “How did Mikey’s mum die?”

Mike takes a deep breath. “Suicide,” he says quietly. “Her name was Angela. She was so beautiful. At one stage I would’ve given my life for her.” His next breath is audibly shaky.

“Sorry. You don’t have to talk about it.”

“Yeah I do because it’s killing me to not talk about it.” He moves closer to me, so that his hand is right next to mine as we sit together in the water. “When she left me, she said it was because I was chasing a dream. Even after our first album shot to number one, she wouldn’t come back to me. I begged her, on bended knee, promised her the world, but she said she couldn’t because she had stopped loving me a long time ago. So I walked away from her.

“The day I found out about Mikey, I was given a letter. A suicide note, or whatever you want to call it. She wrote that she left me because she found out she was pregnant and she knew I didn’t want to have kids. Not until I was done with my career. She didn’t want to ruin my dreams by tying me down with a child. She wrote that she left me because she loved me too much to stay.

“They lived in absolute poverty. She was a single mum, working nights so she could spend her days with Mikey. But she could see herself sinking lower and lower into debt and misery. To her, the only way out was to end her life in the chance that Mikey would have a better one.

“She ended the letter by saying that her biggest regret in life was telling me she didn’t love me because that was the biggest lie she ever told.” He slides his hand over mine and entwines his fingers between mine. “I don’t love her anymore. I stopped loving her a long time ago. Before Mikey showed up, I hadn’t thought about her for a long time. But I’ll be damned if I wasn’t angry at her.”

We sit in silence together while people play around us in the water. I’m not sure what to say to offer him comfort, so instead of speaking, I squeeze his hand a little tighter.

“I love that kid,” Mike says. “I never thought I would, but damn...he’s awesome.”

I smile and look up at Mike. He’s smiling too. “He’s pretty awesome.”

“She was right. He does deserve a good life.”

“He’ll have a good life with you, Mike.”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “If I can just pull my head out of my arse and be a good father.”

My posture slumps as I realise Mike is quoting me. “Has Gavin told you everything I’ve ever said about you?”

“Pretty much. Don’t be mad at him though. He’s just trying to make me realise my responsibilities. He quotes you to back up his arguments. It’s like I’m arguing with two people, when it’s just him and me.”

“Do you and Gavin fight a lot?”

“Only when he’s nagging me about being a good father. He’s all high and mighty because he’s clean and I’m not. He thinks he’s the perfect father. I said he has to wait until he’s actually held his child before he can call himself a father. At the moment he’s nothing but a sperm donor.”

I laugh, imagining them arguing about who is the better father. I shake my head in bewilderment at these two men whose lives have been turned upside down by two innocent children.

“Who would’ve thought that a child could have that much power over a man?” Mike stands up and offers his hand to me. I take it and he pulls me up. “Let’s eat. I’m starved.”

Blue Saturn are leaving Brisbane for one show in Townsville. They’ll be gone one night, arriving back tomorrow just after midday. Mike and Gavin have borrowed my back pack and are only taking one change of clothes each. Apparently, Steve and Paul won’t even bother changing their clothes.

Mike signals with his head for me to follow him out onto the balcony. I get up from the couch and join him in the late morning sun. “I’m not worried about leaving you alone with Mikey. I trust you completely. But, just while I’m gone, can you not leave the hotel.”

“Sure. No worries,” I say. I can tell he’s nervous about asking me to stay. And I know it’s because we’ll be harassed by photographers.

“Thanks for understanding.” He pulls a cigarette from his pocket and lights it. “I’m gonna quit these little buggers too.” He takes a deep breath in and exhales. “But one thing at a time.”

“I know I don’t have to tell you that there is help available.”

“I know. But I don’t need help. I can do it on my own.” He takes another drag of his cigarette then he looks at me and frowns. “I’m a dickhead. Sorry, I shouldn’t do this in front of you.” He puts the cigarette out on the railing.

“Don’t stop for my sake,” I say. “If it upset me, I’d go inside.”

“You watched your mother die from lung cancer...I’m a dick. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it Mike.”

He looks down at the cigarette in his hands. “Maybe I’ll quit these first. Then I’ll start on the heavy stuff,” he says it quietly as though he’s thinking out loud.

“Mike...” I start, but am interrupted when Gavin come out onto the balcony.

“We gotta go bro.”

Gavin hugs me goodbye. I think for a second Mike will too, but he doesn’t. He smiles and asks me not to hesitate to call him if I need anything at all. He goes inside, hugs Mikey and together, Gavin and Mike leave.

*****

I know the boys are back. I got a message from Wayne asking if I can stay away from the apartment for another hour or two while Mike catches up on some much needed sleep.

Mikey and I are down at the hotel pool and play area. We’ve been playing hide and seek in the huge play set and now we’re playing in the shallow water of the pool.

Mikey is tired. It’s getting close to his dinner time. It’s been three and a half hours since Wayne asked me to give Mike an hour or two, so I feel I can safely return to our apartment.