Blue Saturn (33 page)

I agree with her wholeheartedly on that sentiment.

“I look forward to many night of jumping on the bed while listening to it.” She laughs but her laugh seems forced.

I smile and hold her hands tighter in mine. “Are you okay?” I ask.

“Yes, I’m fine, but I need to tell you something.”

I want to tell her I don’t want to hear it because I know by the tone in her voice that what she’s going to tell me I don’t want to hear. She’s going to tell me has a boyfriend, or a fiancé or a husband or that she’s pregnant with some one-night-stands baby or...or...the cancer has come back or she’s going to die or...or...or…

She swings her legs around and plants her feet on the ground between mine. Then she slips her hand out from between mine.

“Mike, I know how you feel about me. That is, if you still feel the same way about me now as you did when you wrote that song.”

“I do,” I say without hesitation.

“I don’t know why you asked me to come away with you. I hope it wasn’t some desperate attempt to get me back into your bed.”

I start to respond but she holds up her hands to ask that I let her keep talking.

“I don’t want to give you false hope because I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not going to make you believe that I feel more for you than I really do.”

I move closer to the edge of the lounge in a desperate attempt to eliminate the distance between us which at this point feels like the deepest of chasms.

“What do you feel for me, Lyndsay?”

She keeps those beautiful green eyes on mine while she speaks. “I don’t know, Mike. Sometimes I really hate you and other times...other times I…” She smiles and looks down. “You know, when I found out about the cancer, you were the first person I wanted to tell.” She shakes her head and lets go of a breath. “I wanted to call you because I knew if I did you’d...you’d…take care of me.” She wipes away a fresh tear from her cheek. “There were days when I wanted you so badly and then there were other days that I blamed you entirely for having cancer. It was like...you broke my heart and my ovary.” She laughs and I smile with her. “And you kept sending me those damn letters. God I hated them... and I loved them.” She shuffles closer to me, so that her knees are touching the inside of my thighs. That touch alone sends a bolt of heat through me. “What I feel for you, Mike, is confusing. Part of the reason I accepted your offer to come on tour again was because I was hoping that maybe I could sort out my feelings for you, one way or another.”

One way or another. Those four words, although not much, give me all the hope I need. If she really hated me, she wouldn’t be sitting here with me revealing a small piece of her heart. If she doesn’t hate me, it means she at least likes me a little bit. It means she remembers the good in me over the bad. It means she’s forgiven me for what I did. Now I just have to work to make her forget.

She puts her hands on my forearms and smiles a shy smile. “I would like very much, Michael Greene, if we could be friends.”

Friends. I try not to let the disappointment show. Being friends is taking a step backwards, in my opinion. We were so much more than that. But if being friends with Lyndsay means having her close, it will give me a chance to show her who I am now. How absolutely devoted I am to Mikey, the band and most importantly to making her happy.

I lift my hand and put it out to her. She takes it and we shake. “Friends,” I say. “And when you say friends, you mean like the type of friends who make out all the time.”

She laughs and shakes her head. “Definitely not.”

I shrug. It was worth a try.

28.

Panic fills me instantly. Mikey’s not in his bed. It’s almost 6 A.M. The car is going to be here any minute to take us to the studios and Mikey is not in his bed.

I check the bathroom. I check the living room, the balcony, the kitchen.

I try to remember if his bedroom door was open when I went out for an early morning run.

What if he heard me leaving and decided to follow me?

No, he wouldn’t have done that without calling out to me. He must be somewhere. I check my bedroom again. He’s definitely not in my bedroom. I grab my phone and I’m about to call hotel reception - maybe someone’s seen him and called the cops...I don’t know - when I notice the door to Lyndsay’s room is ajar. That door was definitely closed last night before I went to bed. I know because I stood at my bedroom door, looking down to hers for ages before I convinced myself to go to bed.

I run the short distance from my bedroom door to Lyndsay’s and push it open, feeling around for the light switch.

“Oh thank goodness,” I say as I look to the bed and see Mikey curled up next to Lyndsay.

Lyndsay wakes up. She looks around the room, one eyes firmly shut, the other blinking profusely as her eye adjusts to the sudden burst of light. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

I point down to Mikey. “He wasn’t in his bed,” I whisper. “It gave me a fright.”

Lyndsay looks down at Mikey. “I didn’t feel him get into bed with me. Sorry.” She’s whispering too, now.

“Don’t apologise. He’s really missed you,” I say. My heart calms in my chest and I find myself smiling easily.

Lyndsay opens her other eye, blinks a few times, before rubbing them. I’d forgotten how cute she is in the mornings. She was always warm and cuddly. She looks at me and frowns.

“What’s so funny?” she asks.

“Nothing,” I say shaking my head.

“What time is it?” Lyndsay asks.

“Almost six,” I say coming into the room. “I have to go, but I’ll see you down at the record store, right?”

“Yep, I’ll be there at twelve o’clock.”

“And you’ll watch the morning show this morning.”

She nods once. “We’ll be watching.”

“Okay, the interview is at eight-fifteen and then we perform at eight-forty.”

She nods again. “Eight-fifteen.”

She needs more sleep. “Go back to sleep. Mikey won’t wake up for another hour or so.”

“Okay.” She lays back down and her eyes close as her head hits the pillow. I stand and watch her for a few moments, envying my five year old son, before I turn around and walk out.

*****

I’m feeling nervous now. The reason; Lyndsay is somewhere out there - actually I know she is in the front row on the far right, closest to the exit. I know this because I told Wayne to make sure that she and Mikey sit there so I can take them backstage with me after we perform - and I’m nervous for her to see me perform again. I feel a little rusty; it’s been a long time since I’ve performed in front of a large crowd. And the crowd gathering in this record store is huge. It’s a multi-level store, and Anton just told me that the floor is packed, as is the second and third floor balcony space. Pretty soon, they’re going to have to start sending people away.

This morning’s interview and performance went down a treat. The interview was light hearted and the entertainment guru interviewing us kept things flowing naturally. He avoided all banned subjects, mainly my time in rehab (the chick from ‘60 Minutes’ is getting that exclusive interview), and focused purely on the music. After all, that’s the reason we’re here.

Then we played our third single, ‘Higher’. That’s the song about Mikey. But it’s more than just a song about a little kid. It’s a song about forgiveness and setting priorities and keeping promises. It’s an awesome song and I gave the performance my all this morning.

The radio interview we did after our TV appearance was dull. The girl interviewing us was obviously a big ‘John Butler Trio’ fan because she kept trying to compare our music to theirs. I have no problem with being compared to great bands, but our sound is nothing like theirs. In the end, I sat back and let Gavin do all the talking.

They played the single, they had the rights to be the first radio station to play it, but as soon as the interview was over I got up and went out to the car. I didn’t want to have to fake niceties.

‘Inferno’ are finishing up. Inferno are an up and coming band who, as much as I hate to say it, will knock us off the charts as one of Australia’s best bands. They’re touring with us; they’ve just signed to the label and released their first album a few weeks ago. They’re a good bunch of kids, young, reckless. They remind me of me before I had a wakeup call. But I’m not going to be the one to preach to them about how they should behave away from the spotlight. I’m a lot of things but a hypocrite isn’t one of them.

The Inferno boys run into the room backstage. They’re so amped up. They’re roughing each other up and talking over each other and I remember that feeling. It used to take me ages to come down from that high. I never really wanted to come down from it, I think that’s why taking drugs seemed so appealing. I was constantly high.

Anton is talking to the front stage people through his headphone. He’s such a gadget man. He’s got 2 phones, a pager, a tablet of some sort, his laptop is never too far away and I’ve always wanted to ask him if that ridiculously huge watch he wears on his wrist doubles as a fax machine.

But having said that, he’s a good manager. He keeps Paul and Steve on the straight and narrow, which is saying a lot.

“Two minutes, boys,” he says and looks at his watch.

Two minutes. I breathe in deeply and breathe out.

“You okay, mate?” Gavin asks me.

I nod my head. “I’m thinking I could really go a smoke right now.”

“You don’t smoke anymore.”

“I know.” I breathe deeply again and drop to the floor. Push ups will help this pass. And it will make my biceps look big before I step out on stage. There’s nothing wrong with having bulging biceps when the girl you’re in love with is sitting in the front row.

“Time,” Anton says and I jump up.

“Let’s do it boys.” That’s my catch phrase. I always say it before we go on stage.

As soon as I walk out onto stage, the crowd roars. Anton was right; it’s a packed house. But through all the noise, I can hear one little voice.

“Hi Dad!” Mikey is screaming out.

I look down to him, point at him and wink. I smile at Lyndsay, who is smiling up at me and go to the microphone. Steve counts us in and it’s game time.

Even before the first chorus, I’ve settled. The nerves have gone and adrenalin is pumping through my veins. God I’ve missed this. The crowd, the music and control. I have every person in this place sitting in the palm of my hand. They are at my beck and call. When I lift my hands above my head and clap, they follow me. When I jump up and down, they jump with me. When I hold the microphone out to the crowd to sing the chorus to our first single from the album - a song which is still getting a heap of air time - they sing it back to me.

Damn I have missed this.

I look down at Mikey in the front row. He’s singing along to every word. He’s heard the album at least a dozen times. He’s smiling and waving and clapping and dancing and really loving the live atmosphere.

I send him a wink and give my attention back to the crowd.

The best thing about this though is Lyndsay’s right foot. She’s watching Mikey dance and sing, but she isn’t joining in. I know she would’ve heard the songs we’re playing; they’ve been playing on every radio station in the country for weeks. She may be holding back in singing and dancing along, but her right foot has not stopped bouncing. With every change of beat and pace, her foot changes too. As much as she would probably hate to admit it, she loves hearing my music. And she loves hearing me sing it live.

I finish up our fourth and final song and thank the crowd. While they’re screaming their applause, I jump down off the stage and Mikey runs into my arms.

“You’re all wet and sweaty,” he says as he wipes his hand across my forehead.

“It’s hard work being a rock star,” I say.

“Did you see me dancing? I was working hard too.”

“I sure did see you, buddy.”

I look over Mikey’s shoulder and Wayne is giving me his very stern “hurry the hell up” look. I smile and nod so he knows I’m on the same page. But before I head backstage, I go via where Lyndsay is waiting near to where she was sitting. As I approach her, I hold out my hand to her.

“Come on,” I say.

She looks down at my hand and then back to me. She’s hesitating to take my hand. I admire her for that. She said she wouldn’t lead me on and she’s sticking to her word. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let her think I feel
less
for her than I do.

With Mikey still in one arm, I lean down and grab her hand, which is firmly at her side. “Come on, I won’t bite.”

Her slight fingers wrap around mine and she follows me back stage.

Once we get through the doors to the backstage room, which I think is normally a staff lunch room, Mikey starts wriggling in my arms to get free.

“Gav, hey Gav, did you see me dancing?”

Gavin turns around, exposing the head of that hideous dragon tattoo. “I did. You were awesome. Way better than Lyndsay,” he says as he sends her a look. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was flirting with her.

Lyndsay smiles and shakes her head. “I’m saving my energy so I can jump on the bed later.”

“I might just join you,” I say quietly as I lower my lips to her ear. She sends me a guarded look but she can’t stop the pink glow that appears on her cheeks.

I smile and let go of her hand, walking to where I left my change of clothes.

I’d love to have a shower before our next interview, but we don’t have time. A quick change of outfit will have to do. “We don’t have much time, but I just wanted to say hi and see if you enjoyed the show,” I address to Lyndsay.

She has her head lowered and is looking at the floor with far too much interest. I look down at her feet, expecting to see what the hell has captured her attention, but I’m left staring at nothing other than brown vinyl flooring and Lyndsay’s blue Converse shoes.

Then I look up and realise what it is she’s trying to avoid looking at.

Paul and Steve are completely naked, drying off their sweat dampened bodies, while Gavin is currently pulling off his pants.

I laugh quietly to myself and decide to join the party. I strip off my t-shirt and pull my denim pants off my legs. I’m towelling off my chest when I hear her voice.

“Goodness, they’re all getting naked,” she says.

I smile and turn my back to her. “What have you got planned for the rest of the day?” I ask her. I already know, but I want to make conversation with her in the hope she’ll look up at me and notice my changed body. What can I say? I’m a guy.

I wrap my towel around my waist and pull my boxers off from underneath.

“Umm…” she says and I know she’s looking at me. If there is one thing I remember from our time together, it was how Lyndsay always stumbled over her words when I was naked in front of her. “We’re...we’re doing the harbour cruise,” she says before clearing her voice.

“Oh yeah, what are you doing for lunch?” I know the answer to that question too.

“We’re umm…”

Her answer stops short when I drop my towel. Now I’m standing completely naked in front of her, although I still have my back to her.

She clears her throat again. “We’re having lunch on…” she clears her throat again. “On the cruise.”

“Dad!” Mikey calls out from the other side of the room. “I can see your bum,” he laughs.

“That’s okay mate, we’re all men here,” I answer as I take my deodorant from my bag and give my entire body a good spray.

“Lyndsay can see your bum too and she’s a girl.” Mikey says with a laugh.

“Well, Lyndsay is allowed to see my bum.”

“I wish I hadn’t seen your bum,” Lyndsay says from behind me.

So, she has been looking at me. Having achieved what I wanted, I grab a fresh pair of boxers and put them on.

When I turn around, Lyndsay is looking at the ground again.

“What time does the cruise leave?” I ask, resuming our conversation.

“One-thirty,” she answers.

“Send me a few pics, okay?”

I bend over to pull my pants up my legs and once she’s sure I’m semi-decent, she looks up. The look on her face is priceless. She has a shy smile on her face and her cheeks are glowing with a natural pink.

She is absolutely beautiful.

Without even thinking about it, I take her in my arms and pull her into me. “God I have missed this,” I say.

“Missed what?” she asks. Her body is stiff against me but it takes only a few moments for her to relax and wrap her arms around me.

“The music. The performing. Being a musician. I love it,” I answer. I pull out of the embrace, but only enough so that I can look at her. Her eyes meet mine and she smiles up at me. It’s a real smile too; she’s not trying to hide it.