Bookmark Days (11 page)

That truth had stung. Seeing her react like that prodded my inner bitch and the anger was there again, all bristly and red, and I felt she’d deserved it. She could say what she wanted, but she couldn’t always get what she wanted while I was around. I could be her conscience in the absence of her own.

I could rake faster than Nathaniel’s tractor was cutting – the rake is nearly twice as wide as the mower – so I was only ten minutes behind when they finished and pulled up beside our ute. Nathaniel was out of the cab in a flash and picking through the windrows for bugloss. Katie sat in the the driver’s seat of the ute, door open, looking more like my city cousin than a threat to my only peach. Maybe she was prettier and more experienced in some things than I was, but she was an alien on this planet. She didn’t know our customs or even really speak our language.

I parked the John Deere and flung the cabin open to the heat of the day.

Nathaniel didn’t look up for ages and when he eventually did he looked right through me.

‘Better be getting back,’ he said.

‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s fine. We can do another paddock if you like. We’ve got plenty of . . .’

‘Thanks, Avril. You’ve helped enough.’

He looked at me then and his mouth was smiling but his eyes weren’t.

I felt like crying. I’d stuffed it. Correction;
Katie
had stuffed it.

A grumbly voice crackled through on the two-way. ‘You going to be long, Nate? The other guys are here and I’ve got some lunch ready. Over.’

It was Marilyn, warning us in code that the car was back from the hospital.

Nathaniel hopped up into the cab of his tractor. His voice was squeaky on the radio. I hoped it wasn’t as obvious to the folks listening on the other end. ‘Won’t be long. Fifteen minutes?

Over.’

‘Right you are, love. See you then.’

I jumped to the ground and threatened to close the ute door on Katie’s leg. ‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Let’s go.’

Katie stepped out.

Nathaniel thumped to the ground and jogged over. ‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘Thanks for coming over. Thanks for everything.’

‘No worries,’ I said.

He hugged me. It was an awkward stiff-as-cardboard hug. As we parted, Katie stepped in. She hugged him and kissed his cheek and her hand was way too far down his back and she gave a little squeeze-moan that made me want to drag her off him. Drag her to the ground by her hair as though she was a lamb that needed to have its tail docked and its balls cut off.

‘Let’s go,’ I said, and walked off.

‘Can I drive?’ Katie asked.

‘No.’

She snorted and crossed her arms.

‘Will you be right with the fence?’ Nathaniel called.

‘Fine,’ I said. The tools were still in the ute from the last repair job.

I turned to wave but he’d already started the tractor and pointed it home.

I undid the wire Hoppy had repaired, drove the ute back onto our place and restrung the fence. It wasn’t as tight as Hoppy’s job but it would keep the sheep in and unless you actually stopped to shake it, you’d never know it had been taken apart. I erased the wheel marks with a dried old canola branch.

Katie was shaking her head when I dropped into the driver’s seat again.

‘What?’

‘You’re so sly, Av. Nobody’s ever going to know that we’ve been to the
Other Side
.’

‘Yes, and I’d like to keep it that way.’

‘Would you now?’

I shot her a dagger that would have killed a lesser beast, but Katie just grinned. ‘Finally, some dirt on Avril Louise Stanton that’s actually worth something.’

‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t tell anyone anything.’

‘What, don’t tell your mum and dad that you’ve got the hots for a Carrington?’

I hit the brakes. Katie braced herself against the dash.

‘Just leave it alone!’ I shouted.

She made an O shape with her mouth. ‘Woohoo. Fire up, Avvie. Look at her go! Bit of a raw nerve there, hey? Just a little hint of sexual tension, perhaps?’

I lost it. I punched her. Hard. Right in the arm. There was nothing playful about it. Her mouth dropped open, then she clenched her teeth and punched me back. It was a wild flailing thing that skimmed off my shoulder and slapped into the seat but it opened the gates on our fury. Nails like claws tearing at hair and clothing. She was squealing and kicking and trying to get away. The back of her hand connected with my lip and I felt it all the way to my toes. She had a handful of hair, dragging me towards the seat. I grabbed blindly, found her singlet, and shoved her with everything I had. The singlet ripped and her head clubbed the glass beside her.

She let me go, her face twisted with pain. She folded her arms around her head and cried and rocked and cried. I felt my lip and my fingers came away bloody. My own tears drummed on the vinyl seat.

I opened the door and ran.

CHAPTER 18

My hands were still shaking when I dipped them into the creek to wash my face. I’d cried myself to the stupid uncontrollable sob stage and tears and snot mixed with the water before racing off downstream.

I’d never hit anyone in anger before. Another bookmark moment. Katie deserved it, though. She was totally out of control. It was as though she was dying of a terminal illness and the doctors had given her a year and she was determined to live it like she was on fire. Reckless and shameless. She didn’t care. Smash, crash and burn until there’s nothing left but a trail of devastated lives.

But as my sobbing started to fade, so did my sense of drama. I began rehearsing the conversation I’d have with Mum and Dad and Aunty Jacq when they asked me what the fight was about. I couldn’t give them a sensible answer. None of it made sense unless you knew everything that had happened leading up to it and there was no way that story was ever going to be told. Not straight up, anyway, and not to our parents. If I was honest with myself, I
wanted
some of Katie’s self-confidence and wild spirit, just not so much that I had to try it on with every guy who crossed my path. Not so much that I couldn’t see boundaries any more and I became blind to other people’s feelings. I wanted to still know when enough was enough.

With a massive stuttery sigh, I drank deeply from the creek, dragged myself to my feet and started for the ute.

The sun was hot on my neck as I slid between the wires of the fence and onto the track. I wasn’t really surprised to see that the ute had gone. The walk to the house from there would have killed Katie and the car would have turned into a very effective oven sitting in the sun. I was about seven kilometres from home but that felt like quality thinking time, not a punishment. I just wished I had my hat.

About an hour and a half into what was probably only going to be a two-hour walk, Chooka arrived on the four-wheeler.

‘Mum wants you,’ he said.

‘Can I ride with you?’

‘Of course. I’m driving, though.’

‘Not too fast.’

‘I’ve only got one speed!’

And that was about twenty kilometres per hour. He leaned forward as if he was a speedway rider. I hung on to his waist every time he accelerated.

The ute was parked in front of the shed. No obvious damage.

Mum was waiting for me in the kitchen. She inspected my lip but offered no first aid.

‘What did you two fight about?’ she asked.

‘Nothing really. Stupid stuff,’ I said. I hoped like hell that she wouldn’t ask me to explain.

‘She’s in your room.’

I shrugged.

‘She’s packed her bag,’ she said. ‘Told her mother she wants to go home.’

Katie was on her bed. The curtains were closed. It looked as though she’d thrown her bag at the cupboard; its guts had spilled onto the floor.

I closed the door behind me and stretched out on top of my doona.

She didn’t move.

‘Sorry,’ I said to the ceiling.

Long minutes passed. I’d thought she’d fallen asleep and was almost asleep myself when she coughed and spoke.

‘My dad has moved out. Shacked up with my old English teacher. I used to think it was her fault . . . dumb bitch . . . and then I blamed Dad for thinking with his . . . you know. Then I blamed mum for not killing her or at least rearranging her face and then I blamed myself. That’s where I got stuck.’

She sniffed hard and it startled me.

‘If I hadn’t given Mum and him such a hard time, they’d still be together. I knew what was happening. I could see them falling apart. So I went a bit feral. That got their attention. Every time I got sprung coming in through the window or sneaking in through the garage it gave them something else to think about. And it wasn’t hard to pump it up, you know? Wasn’t hard to feed their imaginations. I wanted to shock them. I wanted them to do something other than fight with each other, and it kind of worked for a while. They fought me. But then they started fighting each other
about
me and the whole thing turned to crap. That’s when Dad moved out.’

She fumbled around on the bed, sniffed hard again then blew her nose.

‘My bad,’ she said.

I heard a whimper and looked down to see her body shaking. She’d curled into the foetal position and part of me wanted to rub her back but the bigger part of me couldn’t move. The mess of Katie’s life was a whole lot uglier and more personal than I’d first thought. Her honesty felt like cold rain that had the potential to wash it clean. Rain. More rain. I didn’t want to disturb that. I held my breath. Eventually, her body stopped its spasms and she blew her nose again.

‘I’ve never had actual sex,’ she said. ‘I’ve had fun . . . a
lot
of fun . . . but I always chicken out before it gets that far. I chicken out or the guy leaves the way Daniel did on Saturday. I like to read about it in magazines and I like it when other people
think
I’m a sex goddess. I haven’t actually gone all the way. I like to pad the truth a bit there.’

She sat up. She honked into another tissue and looked right at me with her red eyes. ‘No, I
lie
about it. I
lie
about lots of things. Everything. I hate it. It’s stupid. I lie about my life because some days I really hate who I am and then I hate myself for lying. I’m sorry, Avvie, I really am. I’m sorry for being such a bitch. Can we start again?’

Her face pruned up and she cried some more only this time I hugged her and sobbed along. We hugged until we had to come up for air and tissues and we looked at each other and burst out laughing.

‘I’m sorry I hit you. It was an accident,’ she said, and gently touched my lip.

‘Crap. That was no accident. But it was basically my fault.’

‘Rubbish. I deserved it.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody deserves it.’

She shook her head. ‘I did. For everything. For being such a self-centred idiot. For the stuff with Nathaniel.’

Hearing his name made my tummy flip-flop. My nails dug into the doona. ‘What stuff?’

‘For getting in the tractor with him and that.’

‘And what?’

She shrugged. ‘Nothing happened.’

‘What sort of nothing?’

She shifted, nervously. ‘He’s just so totally gorgeous. He’s like a model.’

‘What sort of nothing?’ I insisted.

She threw up her hands. ‘A nothing sort of nothing! I tried it on, of course. Who wouldn’t?’

I shoved her hard. She rolled onto the mattress.

‘Me!’ I screamed. ‘
I
wouldn’t try it on. Not if he was your boyfriend, not if he was
anybody’s
boyfriend.’

She was laughing into her hand, and then she was pointing at me and laughing.

I slapped her thigh and she squeaked and sat up. ‘
Absolutely
nothing
happened. He’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen in the flesh. I’m not joking. And he’s obviously gaga for you.’

I sat up straight. ‘Don’t be stupid.’

She poked her tongue out the side of her mouth, crossed her eyes and punched her temple. ‘It’s
sooo
obvious. From the moment he stepped through the door, he couldn’t take his eyes off you. All the guys I’ve been with, none of them have looked at me like that. Mostly they look at me like they want to eat me and . . . don’t get me wrong – that’s nice and everything . . . well, Nathaniel looked at you like you were some sort of holy vision or something.’

I scoffed, but my heart was weightless and knocking at my throat.

‘He’s going camping on Wednesday,’ she said.

‘Oh?’

‘Mmmm. He wanted me to tell you where but I’m not sure I’m ready to share information that sensitive with you. Think I might just go there myself.’

‘KATIE!’

Her hands came up again, this time to protect her head. One look in my eyes and she was upright and apologising properly.

‘I’m sorry. I don’t cope well with being the
second
most sexy creature in the room. Any room. Especially if the sexy creature ahead of me is you. I mean, I love you and everything, but you’re Avvie. You’re my cousin. You’re good at everything else
except
guys. I’m the guy expert, remember?’

I sighed, and the desire to bat her around the head left with the breath. ‘But you
are
. I don’t know anything about guys. You
have
to be the expert. I need your help.’

‘You don’t need anybody’s help, Av. You’re doing just fine.’

‘But half the time I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so awkward and totally useless and I . . . I don’t want to stuff it up. Please don’t let me stuff it up.’

‘Don’t look at me! I’ve stuffed every relationship in my entire world. My dad, my mum’s just hanging on by a thread, my so-called friends, and every single guy I’ve ever known. All stuffed. Nam still loves me but she has to; she’s my little sister.’

‘I love you,’ I said.

She was solemn for a moment then she sighed too. It sounded like it came all the way from her toenails. She hugged me. ‘I know, I know. I don’t deserve it and I think you must be a bit sick in the head, but I know. I love you too.’

She looked me square in the face. ‘Nathaniel will be camping down by the creek near your boundary. Wednesday night.’

I covered my ears. ‘I don’t want to know that. I’m not ready for that. I’m only going to make a mess of it.’