BORDEN 2 (22 page)

I was
not
okay.

*

After my sob-fest, I inched into the bathroom warily. Thankfully, with a girl occupying the room, the bathroom wasn’t filthy. I didn’t know what I was expecting to find in a clubhouse bathroom, but it wasn’t pristine tile walls, pink bath mat and an endless combination of beauty products in a neat row along the counter.

I almost smiled. Almost. This Ty girl was a clean freak, and you’re only a clean freak in a biker clubhouse when you’re trying to get your mind off something or, judging by the pink in her cheeks at the mention of Hector, someone.

I turned the water on and stripped. I glanced briefly at the mirror before I stepped into the stall. I was filthy. My entire body was coated with bruises and deep scratches. My face was a mess. There was a giant blackening bruise around my eye. I was covered in soil top to bottom, and it sprinkled off of me, destroying the white bathroom with dark brown smudges.

I stepped inside and let the water wash over me. I didn’t think in that moment, nor did I feel. I just stood there, empty, trying my hardest not to let the images of Graeme lying in a pool of his blood in.

I’ll never talk to Graeme again. I will never see him alive again. I will never go to work and irritate the shit out of him. He’s dead. Just like that.

The second I felt my chest tightening, I took another deep breath in. Then I quickly washed myself. I didn’t care about what I was washing. I just squirted body wash in the palm of my hand and slid it over every inch of my body, determined to get it done so I could get out. I didn’t bother with my hair. I was on the verge of another meltdown. I quickly turned the water off and got out, grabbing a pink towel off a hook. I wrapped myself in it and hurried to the bed. I collapsed and crawled under the covers, throwing them over my head.

It was a miracle that I fell asleep.

*

I opened my eyes when a body sat down on the edge of the bed. Every inch of me was sore. I didn’t forget about last night, not even for a split second, as I regained consciousness. I was sure I’d slept for many hours. My eyes were still begging for sleep, and my body was more responsive. Emotionally I felt like a shell, and I knew it was Hawke beside me, so I waited for him to deliver the heart pounding news.

“There’s no sign of Borden.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but my heart sank even further in my chest. I closed my eyes again, waiting for sleep to come. When I slept, everything disappeared for a while. But I wasn’t fortunate this time. Borden’s face flashed before my eyes.

Didn’t he just tell you he loved you?

“What are we going to do?” I finally asked.

“Keep looking,” Hawke said. “It’s just…we don’t know where to fucking look.”

“There are no witnesses?”

“If there are, nobody’s stepping forward.”

“Someone has to know something.”

“I know.”

“Well figure it out then! You’re bikers, right? Don’t you beat people and take names?”

When Hawke didn’t answer, I threw the covers off of me and sat up. He looked at me and then quickly looked away, his jaw tensing.

“What?” I grated out. “What is it?”

“You’re not wearing anything, Emma.”

I looked down at my bare body. I waited for that humiliating feeling to come rushing through, but there was nothing.

“Sorry for dirtying our bubble of modesty, Hawke,” I mocked, throwing the covers over my chest. “How inconsiderate of me.”

He set his elbows on his knees and ran both hands over his long black hair. He grabbed a chunk of it and squeezed. “Quit being short with me, Emma. I’m fucking trying right now, alright? I’ve been out there for twelve hours. I’ve rounded all the men, questioned them to hell and back, and now the members of the club are doing a search. It’s not over.”

Just as he said that the bedroom door opened, and Hector stepped in, not giving a shit that he might be intruding. Talk about lack of privacy in this place. He didn’t look angry anymore, but he wasn’t happy either.

“I’ve just made some calls,” he stated, looking at me. “Everyone’s on the look-out. We’ll be snatching more of Mulligan’s men over the next couple days. They’ll get everything out of them and hopefully find his body.”

“His body?” I repeated, my voice deadening.

Hector shrugged, frowning. “Babe, we have to be realistic about this.”

“Babe? Last night I was Bitch and now I’m Babe?”

“After my dear brother punched me, I’ve upgraded my fucking speech for you. Would you rather I continue calling you Bitch?”

“Fucking hell,” Hawke cursed. “Why the fuck are we arguing right now?”

I pointed at Hector and screamed, “Because he just assumed Borden is dead!”

“Terry Mulligan is a crazy fucking lunatic,” Hector snapped, leaning down to my level. “Look how fast he ordered your hit. They didn’t even fucking rape you, did they?”

I hesitated before responding, “No, they didn’t.”

“Yeah, because he wanted you out of the fucking picture as soon as humanly possible. If he’s got Borden, then who’s to say the same outcome hasn’t happened?”

“It hasn’t,” I argued, my voice cracking. “You’re not searching hard enough.”

Hector scoffed and shook his head. “Look at my brother, woman. Look how broken he is. He’s been out there for hours. We’ve all been doing our part, and we haven’t come up with anything. So please, if you’re so much fucking better at this criminal fuckery than the criminal fucking brigade, enlighten us. Where shall we look? You tell us and we’ll fucking obey your high command.”

I didn’t respond straight away. Hector stood up and continued to shake his head, mouthing off about my ignorance. I wracked my brain for something – anything – that would prove him wrong. Borden wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be dead. He had always appeared so untouchable to me. There was no way…

“I mean, what the fuck were you guys doing out in the middle of bumfuck anyway?” Hector muttered under his breath. “You were fucking looking for trouble.”

And then it hit me.

“Blythe,” I said quietly, grabbing their attention. “We were going to get my friend Blythe from a titty bar.” I felt like an idiot. “She seemed desperate for a ride and said there were men out front that were threatening. She begged me to pick her up. Said she had nobody else to turn to. We didn’t make it. There were already tire spikes on the road. They knew…they knew we were coming.”

The brothers stared at one another.

“Emma,” Hawke then said softly, “we’re going to give you a piece of paper and you’re going to give us her name and her address. Can you do that?”

I nodded. My life was falling apart all around me. “I can do that.”

Emma

They were gone for several hours. The only person that came to see me was Tyler with a plate of breakfast. Why she was back after Hawke was so adamant she leave was beyond me.

“You hungry?” she asked me.

I stared at her. She was small and soft looking. Her hair was the colour of caramel and her skin was creamy white. She had a look of innocence I didn’t think was possible to have given her choice of residence. I didn’t say anything to her as she placed the plate of waffles on the bed and slowly backed away, looking uncomfortable by my silence.

“You don’t have to go,” I found myself whispering just as she reached the door.

She turned around. “You want me to stay?”

I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat. “Please.”

She came to me and sat down on the bed, resting her back against the wall. She didn’t try and make conversation. She didn’t even lay a comforting hand on my shoulder. It was like she didn’t know how to, or she chose not to. I glanced at her as she stared ahead, focused on a spot on the wall. Her indifference reminded me of myself at her age. Was she rough around the edges? Was that why she was here?

I liked having these questions. They distracted me from feeling pain.

“How old are you?” I asked her.

“Nineteen,” she answered.

“You’re very pretty.”

Her cheeks flushed and she smiled. She had particularly plump lips. “Thanks. You are too.”

“Can you talk?” I asked her. “I need to get my head away from Borden right now. I’m barely coping and I don’t want to spend all my time crying right now.”

She just looked at me with this surprise in her eyes. “You want to talk to
me
? You don’t want me to get anyone else?”

“No, I prefer you.”

She let out a long breath, as if truly shocked that someone was interested in her. “Okay, um. What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t care. Anything. Everything.”

She nodded quickly and then talked. Little did I realize the door I’d just opened.

Tyler never shut up.

*

“You fucking serious right now?” Hawke fumed as he walked into the room, glaring at Tyler. “I dropped you off at the apartment, Ty!”

“I had nowhere else to go,” she replied snottily, that teenage fire alive inside her.

He just pursed his lips and stared hard at her for a long moment. Then he said, “Get out. I need to talk to Emma.”

She left the room in a hurry. The girl was awkward for a reason. Her life was a pretty fucked up one. My ears were still ringing from all that information dump. Hawke took a seat next to me, and I waited patiently, resignedly, for what he had to say. I knew what was coming. Blythe had sold me out. That was the only logical explanation.

“What happened?” I asked him. He just looked at me, and that was answer enough. Anger ignited inside of me. “Why did she do it?”

“She said men had come around and forced her to. But then we found over five thousand dollars and a small bag of coke under her mattress, and she fucking crumbled. They paid her off. Your good friend is a coke whore, darling, ever since she met a fucked up guy with a bit of money and too much attention to give her. She made excuses, that Borden was a stalker, and that she was only trying to look out for you.”

“Fucking bitch,” I cursed sharply, fisting my hands as the anger continued to flow within me. “That fucking little bitch, I trusted her!”

“You gotta start trusting people in your own circle.”

“She was in my circle.”

“Not when you decided to be with Borden.”

My breathing sped up. “Have you killed her?”

He shook his head. “We beat her around a bit. Had to, but…didn’t kill her. Hector decided in the end that it was up to you what happens to her. If you want her gone, just say the word.”

Yeah, I wanted her gone. I wanted them to peel that lying skin off her face. Wanted her eyes carved out of her head. Wanted her burned and torn apart. I panted as the adrenaline continued to run its course.

“She might do it again,” Hawke added. “You can’t have that sort of threat around.”

He was right. I couldn’t have that threat around. Her life was in my hands, and I felt a rage so fierce it fucked with my idea of right and wrong.

“No,” I finally said roughly, trying to think clearly. “Don’t kill her. Tell her she needs to get the fuck away from New Raven. Threaten her that if she ever comes back, she’ll be sorry.”

“Okay. We’ll do that.”

“Would Borden have done that?”

“What do you think?”

I shook my head. “He wouldn’t.”

“You’re right. He would have had her killed for hurting you, but…he would understand your decision. He did the same thing to Kate’s father. He tried sneaking into the club with a gun.”

I stilled. “I remember that. It was him?”

“Yeah. Borden couldn’t go through with the kill. Too much history, like you and Blythe. Told him to leave and never come back. We’ll scare the girl. It’ll likely work and you’ll never have to deal with her again.”

Despite how angry I felt, it was still difficult to hear that. We had so much history, Blythe and I. So many hours spent talking, so many secrets exchanged, experiences shared. I kind of felt like I had to part from an important limb. Briefly, I wondered whether she just needed help. Maybe she was desperate and it wasn’t the real her that would sell me out, but a drug-deprived version of her.

Does it even matter? Borden is gone without a trace and she betrayed you.

“I know it’s hard,” Hawke said, noticing my struggle. “But this is where you get stronger.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “Just…get rid of her then.”

He stood back up. “How about I grab you something to eat?”

“No.”

He sighed. “Emma –”

“I can’t eat when he could be starving somewhere. I’m not even hungry.”

“He wouldn’t want you to be like this.”

I didn’t reply. He was right. If Borden knew I was this down, he’d be pissed. I imagined his pissed face, and I stifled another cry. I didn’t want to break down in front of him yet again.

“You don’t have to babysit me every time you get back,” I said.

“I promised you I wouldn’t leave you alone with the guys.”

“I’m in your room, and Tyler kept me company.”

He rolled his eyes at the mention of her. “Of course she did. Look, I’m going to get the boys to pick up some pizza. I’m bringing one up for you, and we’re going to sit and eat. Even if you don’t feel up to it, it’s important to try.”

“I don’t want –”

“I don’t care what you want. You’re under my roof now, Emma. You’re eating.”

He walked out before I said another word. As stubborn as I was, so was Hawke. I got off the bed and it took every bit of my willpower. I didn’t want to move at all. If were my choosing, I’d have been in a ball of pain, but I knew I had to be strong. I needed to clean myself up properly. I went into the bathroom and had a proper shower this time, washing my hair and brushing my teeth using toothpaste on the tip of my finger. And once again, I crumbled under the burning water. Just yesterday Borden was wrapped around me, kissing me. He’d made love to me. For goodness’ sake, my vagina still felt used! In a strange move, I cupped it and closed my eyes. I pushed my fingers inside myself just to feel how sore I was. I didn’t want to forget the ache he left behind in me, but the ache at the moment faded in the company of all the bruises down my back. Goddammit! Not even my body could cling to his touch, and that feeling of despair burned a hole through my chest.

“Please be okay,” I whispered out loud. “Please, Borden. I need you. I fucking need you so much.”

Feeling a wave of nausea at standing for so long, I sat back down on the tile floor and brought my knees to my chest. I used every bit of hot water.

I dressed in a loose fitted shirt and track pants I found in Tyler’s drawer. No bra, though, because mine was filthy and hers were too small. By the time I stepped out of the bathroom, nearly an hour later, Hawke was back in the room with a box of pizza and a litre of soda. He glimpsed at me before getting to work, putting a slice on a paper plate and filling up a plastic cup with the fizzy drink. He handed it to me just as I sat back on the bed.

“We’ll eat,” he said, “and then I’ll go back out there and keep looking.”

“Let me go with you.”

“No. You stay.”

“I’m already going stir crazy. I want to go out there and do something, Hawke. I feel stagnant.”

He grabbed a slice and collapsed on the opposite end of the bed with his back against the wall. Taking a massive bite, he repeated, “No. You stay. That’s the purpose of taking you in. And stop looking at me like that. We’re over our issues, let’s keep moving forward with our relationship.”

“You mean, you’re over hating me.”

“I already apologized to you,” he said, looking directly at me. I thought I saw heat there in his eyes, but they vanished in a blink of an eye and I was certain I was seeing things. At least, I hoped I was.

I looked down at my plate and my stomach rumbled as the smell of pepperoni wafted to my nose. He told me to quit staring at it and just eat it. I picked it up and nibbled on the tip. It was disgustingly good. The cheese practically melted on my tongue.

“Good girl,” he told me, smiling faintly at me.

I forced a few bites down, avoiding his eyes.

“They did a real number on you, didn’t they?” he remarked. “Your fucking eye looks killer. Does it hurt?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “But it’s fine.”

He stepped off the bed and moved to the bathroom. I heard him rummaging in the cabinets before coming out. He moved to me and set two pills next to my pizza. “For the pain.”

I didn’t look at him once as he lingered there for seconds at a time, his woodsy scent conquering the smell of pepperoni. Then he moved back to his seat on the bed and smashed through his pizza. I took the pills without question and then gobbled up the pizza. It was on my last bite I felt that warmth sitting in my stomach, and I stopped chewing, blinking back yet more tears at the thought of Borden out there somewhere with an empty stomach.

I needed a distraction and grasped for a topic – anything I could think of at the top of my head.

“That Tyler girl,” I started, forcing the bite down my throat, “is she in love with your brother?”

Hawke’s shoulders tensed, his surprise evident. “She better not be. Hector doesn’t do love, we know that. He’d rip her heart out of her chest, and I would probably kill him if she cried over that dick. I looked after her since she was thirteen, and all my hard work isn’t going to end with her jumping in bed with him. Figures she’d like him after I leave. Another fucking issue to have to deal with.”

“Why’d you leave in the first place?”

“Because I had to.”

I levelled him with an annoyed look. “God, Hawke, stop with the vague answers. Tell me the truth. You work for Borden for who knows how long when you could be the president of a notorious club that bends to your will the second you show up. Give me some insight. I’m losing my mind over here.”