Born Different (23 page)

“And where is
your dad?”

“Busy. He’s
always, always very busy. Making lots of money, doing deals,
catching flights . Whatever.”

“And who hit
you that time, you know?”

“Do you really
want to know Gabe?”

“Yeah I do, I
kind of think your family might think it was me and I kind of want
to look after you as well and if it’s someone at school, I don’t
know…I might be able to help or something.”

“Gabe, it was
my dad!”

“What! Your
dad?” The words didn’t really sink in, Gabe didn’t understand.

Gabe had
thought that this was paradise. He had presumed that Grace was so
perfect and that her life was so easy and carefree. He had been
convinced that she must live like a princess. Gabe had thought and
assumed so many things. He had made up all these judgements and
ideals about her.

He had made up
her whole life and he could not have been further from the truth.
You really do not know what goes on behind closed doors and that
counts for everyone, every damn last fucking one. Gabe was confused
because he had thought that money was the solution, he had honestly
believed that if you lived here you would be so happy. He’d even
thought that living here meant that you must be lucky!

Gabe was slowly
realising that this was hell. This was hell and worse because its
veneer was heaven. It told everyone it was heaven and it was hell.
He had never seen or heard anything like it, not even in a movie.
This life was worse than a bad movie and it did feel like a movie
as his mind couldn’t quite take it all in as a ‘true life’ thing
happening. It all seemed to be happening somewhere outside himself
as though in scenes, each one worse than the next and getting worse
only there was no way of pressing the stop button.

Grace poured
them both another big tumbler of Sambuca. She told him that you
were supposed to have it in a little shaped glass and put coffee
beans on the top and set fire to it, then after a minute, blow out
the blue flame and drink the warm drink.

Grace looked so
sad and brave and Gabe loved her even more then. No wonder she
drank the way she did, he understood that now, but that had to
stop. This was not good, this was no life, it was insane.

He didn’t want
Grace to get drunk or like him because she was in such a shit
place, or pissed, ill and desperate, even though she was all these
things.

“So, now you
know. I told you about myself before and most things really but
this is the rest mostly. ‘The big secret’. And the drinking, I
guess you got that figured out by now too. I drink at least a
bottle of wine before I leave the house in the morning. I hardly
eat, there are no family dinners happening round here. And you know
Gabe, what my darkest thoughts are and sometimes the only way I can
relax? I imagine myself hanging.” Grace downed her glass of alcohol
in one swift gulp and screwed her face up, wincing as it hit
her.

“So don’t you
worry about your hump Gabe and your mum and what other people might
say. You give me some light in my life. You are the only good
thing, the only kind thing. You are the first bit of genuine
gentleness I’ve had in a long time.” As she spoke the words, tears
rolled down her face.

Gabe could have
cried too. And what now? They were friends in her hour of need, did
she love him? Was he a fool? Should he take his shirt off and
reveal his secret? Was that the idea? Was that the next obvious
move to make? Surely she didn’t stage all this? No way, this was
all true, it was too fucked up to be a lie.

Grace leant
over and kissed Gabe and her lips were wet with the aniseed alcohol
and she was so soft and delicious that Gabe just couldn’t help
himself from kissing her back. The room span and his mind cleared
of any thought. She moved closer towards him until she was sat
straddled on his lap. Gabe felt himself get hard and so aroused he
felt like he was preparing to fly, his wings were twitching madly
under the bandages. Grace must have noticed and she broke off the
kiss and was smiling and curious. She looked at Gabe in the eyes
and stayed staring for a long time. Gabe stared deep into her eyes
too and they both saw deeper and deeper until it felt like a place
that needed no words. There were no words.

“You know I
don’t care Gabe, about your back. You are so handsome and beautiful
and I think that you are gorgeous and kind and loving and I don’t
care, you know, what it looks like. I’ve thought about it. Even if
it is the worst thing, I don’t mind. I want to see it Gabe, I want
to see all of you.”

Gabe had
thought that one day, this day might come but he hadn’t thought it
would be today. He was so wound up, it would have been so easy just
to undress and make love to her now and for everything to go on in
the direction that it was heading, speeding. But something was
stopping him. It was not supposed to be like this. Not in this
kitchen with her paralytic mother on the floor sparko, not even in
her bed of this crazy place. He wanted to take her somewhere nice,
make her a meal. Have bloody soft candle light or something.

“No Grace!”
Gabe had to push her away.

“Don’t you like
me Gabe, is that it? Do you really find me that repulsive? Did you
kiss me because you feel sorry for me?” Grace lent over to refill
her glass.

“No Grace. It
is not like that at all, God man, I have loved you forever…” and
he’d said the words again and it was too late to take them back.
Grace didn’t say anything. “But not here Grace, not like this!
Soon, I promise. Let’s get out of here, it’s giving me the creeps.
My mum’s not well. Come over to mine.” Gabe would have rather that
she didn’t see his mum the way she was and hoped that his mum
didn’t mind either but he was all out of choices again. His life
was on a path that he couldn’t get off of. If there were other
choices, Gabe couldn’t quite see them now. He felt like he was in a
dense forest and the only path out was really narrow and dimly lit
and it also might not be a path out at all, just part of a greater
maze and Gabe was lost.

Gina had
already been to the doctors and got herself on some different
medication, it usually knocked her out, dulled her emotions so that
there was no longer happy nor sad but just existing on a cloud of
nothing-really-matters-at-all. It was the only way for now.

Gabe ran up to
the chip shop and fetched them all some dinner and some wine. By
the time he got back, the girls had made up a candle lit table, set
for two.

“I’m off to bed
love.” Gina gave him a wink and took herself upstairs. Gabe noticed
that she was looking happier already.

“You know she
suffers, you know, with depression?”

“Yeah she told
me Gabe and you know she is dealing with it. Looking after herself
and you looking after her and everything. At least she admits that
there is something wrong. All the denial round mine, it’s going to
kill us.”

Gabe took Grace
in his arms and kissed her again. He kissed her face and her cheeks
and her neck and then her eyes and again he felt himself getting
aroused again. Grace was pushing her breasts hard up against him
and guiding his hands under her shirt and Gabe thought about how
lovely and natural it would be to just carry on like this and get
lost in this feeling and the actions the feelings dictated. But
then, what if she got to his wings and got completely freaked out?
It was one thing finding a hump and another all together to realise
that he was a bigger freak that she could have ever possibly
imagined.

“Come on, our
chips are getting cold and I’m guessing you want a drink?”

“Aha you know
this girl well.”

Gabe thought
that he did but that perhaps she didn’t really know him at all. Not
the real him and this was where he was holding back. Things were
kind of going the way that he had always dreamed and now that it
was all here, he was afraid that it was all going to shatter to
dust. That it was all going to blow up in his face and who could he
turn to in all this? Gina would say, “Just show her Gabe, school’s
nearly out. What’s the worst that can happen?” And Gabe thought of
his dad, all hidden. Even if Gabe could not predict his own future,
he could see where running away and hiding would get him.

“Why you
looking so sad Gabe?”

“Nothing, I was
just thinking. I’m not sad.”

“So? Is now the
right time?”

“You’re never
going to give up on this are you?”

“No, why should
I eh? We’ve come this far.”

It was now or
never thought Gabe. Shall I drag this on for weeks? Even make love
to her in my bandages? But that was not the love he wanted, he
wanted it to be true. He had to show her and what was the worst
that could happen? She ran away, she told everyone, the newspapers
found out? What? He was a man now, what could they do? He could
deny it, it would all die down, he could handle it. He could even
move away, go to Europe for a couple of years. There were solutions
to any problems. She could hate him for it but that was the risk he
would have to take. He had to try and steer away from his father’s
fate, from committing the same sins as his father. If Grace hated
him for it, then…then she would have to hate him for it and Gabe
would have to learn to live with that. With having at least made an
attempt to live the dream, rather than having never tried at all.
Yes, tonight was going to be the night. Gabe had made the decision.
From now on, it was inevitable.

“Soon, very
soon.” Gabe whispered.

“Tonight?”

“Yes tonight.
But first we must eat and we must drink and we must kiss a little
more beautiful girl.” Grace couldn’t help but giggle and she
reached out and held his hand and let him twirl her around.

“I love you,”
he said again when Grace had twirled into his chest so that their
faces almost touched, but Grace still didn’t say it back.

So they got a
little bit drunk for courage, to melt away some of the inhibitions
and they watched a movie and they cuddled up on the sofa and Grace
told him some more stories about her family that all sounded even
worse than what Gabe had heard already. How did she cope with all
that? She had walked around all those years with a smile on her
face, mixing with the others, doing well at school, going home to
that hostile hell hole. She was as neglected as Frank, if not
more!

Just as he
thought that she was falling asleep in his arms on the sofa,
wrapped in one of the big blankets, Grace asked him again.

“Gabe can I see
you?”

“Do you really
want to Grace, what if you are freaked out?”

“Well if I am
then I am and I am sorry for that but give me a chance to get used
to it.”

“And will you
run to your friends and laugh about it?”

“Gabe you are
my only friend. Those other people are not my friends, how many
times do I have to tell you? I don’t talk like this with them, like
we do. We don’t really talk about anything. We just talk about
people and gossip. We don’t talk about ideas or feelings any deeper
than what we think everyone wants to hear. I don’t even think that
they really know me. And they don’t make me feel good about myself
or even help me even feel like myself. I don’t actually recognise
my own self when I am with them.”

Gabe took a
deep breath in and exhaled noisily. He could have made the same
speech himself. She really was his soul mate.

“Come on then,
let’s do this.”

Grace leapt off
the sofa excitedly and readied herself.

“But not here,
let’s go to my studio.”

Gabe made sure
to bolt and lock the doors and check the windows. He turned on his
music and he lit some candles and some incense, so that the room
was dimly lit by the flickers of the flames that encouraged them to
draw together. The sweet smoke filled the air and Gabe stood before
Grace as the first beats to the song played out.

Gabe undid his
shirt buttons, slowly revealing the bandages that wrapped tightly
around him. He removed his shirt and he unlocked the safely pins
and began to unravel himself.

Gabe closed his
eyes and cleared his mind, he was on a path again, a journey but
one that he was sure would end soon, it had to end. How it would
end? He couldn’t predict, he had no idea. So he turned on to
automatic pilot and undressed himself as he had done every night of
his entire life. Slowly he revealed his torso; lean, muscular and
not so pale from having worked in his studio on and off for the
last couple of weeks. Then he revealed the parts of his wings that
poked out from beneath the remaining bandage.

Around and
around, he unravelled the bandages. Gabe revealed himself and at
the same time unravelled and revealed everything about himself that
he had even hidden. The secret was out.

Gabe let the
bandages fall to the floor along with his fear and his shame. He
opened his eyes, half surprised to see Grace still standing
there.

Grace’s face
changed but she did not say a word. Gabe took a deep breath in,
counted to ten and stretched his wings out. He lifted and stretched
his wings as far as they would go, farther than if he held his arms
out wide, and then he settled them back down in to a comfortable
place again.

“Gabe, you’ve
got wings!” Grace reached out now, cautiously, to touch them gently
and delicately. She stoked him as she made her way around him
slowly, taking in everything.

“Look at you”
she said laughing.

“Hey you, a bit
less of the laughing if you don’t mind, this is a big moment for
me.”

“They’re
amazing Gabe, they are bloody wonderful!” Grace stroked and
caressed them again and they felt soft and smooth.