Born in the Shadows (In the Shadows Series Book 1) (29 page)

“Any ideas on how we can do that?” Mary asked.

Demetri looked to Isaac. “We have some contacts that might be of some help. If there are any rumours out there about a Shadow Walker being held captive, they will find out.”

“Armand wouldn’t be stupid enough to let that information slip. He would know that would have the Enforcer gunning for him even more. We need to draw him out. Make him come to us,” Nicky said.

“And how do you propose to do that?” Isaac asked.

Nicky looked to Cordelia. “We bait him.”

“Wait a minute,” Gabe said, speaking up for the first time since Demetri and Isaac had come in. “This guy wants to kill Cordy and you want to use her as bait?”

“It’s got to be something he wants, that’s the point of bait,” Mary pointed out, her voice sarcastic.

“I don’t want to hear shit from you right now,” Gabe growled, glaring at the her which got Mary’s back up.

“Remember who you are talking to, boy.”

“I don’t give a damn. You aren’t going to risk her life, I won’t let it happen.”

“We are her family, you are just some guy she is fucking,” Mary spat at him.

Gabe stood up, his eyes blazing in anger. “You don’t know anything about what’s between us!”

“Both of you shut up!” Cordelia yelled at them and, thankfully, their mouths snapped shut. “The only one making choices for me is me. And I’m choosing to be the bait. I have a lot to atone for and it starts now.”

“Are you fucking crazy?” Gabe cried, thankfully missing Mary’s satisfied smirk as his anger turned to Cordelia.

“No, I’m not ‘fucking crazy.’ I’m doing what is right. Besides, I’ve already tangled with Armand once before and if I recall correctly, he ended up a bloody mess.”

Nicky stepped forward, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “You have such strength, child. I am sorry that I brought you into this world at a time when so much would be asked of you.”

“You are not asking me to do anything I wouldn’t volunteer to do of my own choice,” Cordelia said, wanting to reassure him. So much devastation had been brought to his doorstep; she did not want Nicky worrying about her being resentful of her duty to the clan.

Nicky smiled and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Thank you.”

Isaac went into Enforcer mode, turning to Demetri. “Do you think Zeke would be willing to help us without questions?”

Demetri nodded his head. “He’ll keep things on the down low.”

“All right, I want you to tell him to spread the word that he will be bringing Cordelia to Roxy tomorrow night. Have him play it up as the conquering heroine returning to the battleground. Make it look like she’s got a big head now, that she’s dropped her guard. If the rumours don’t draw out Armand himself, he will definitely send someone to watch her. The rest of us will be watching from the shadows for anything suspicious. Either we’ll flush Armand out from hiding or we’ll be able to follow one of his crew back to wherever he is holed up.”

Everyone nodded in agreement with Isaac’s plan, deferring to his experience with hunting rogues. 

“I think it goes without saying that we are operating outside the Council’s laws so let’s try to keep things as quiet as possible,” Isaac reminded them gravely before turning to Nicky. “When we nab Armand, I will take him to the Council for judgment. Knowing those bastards they may still want to punish Remy for the death of the girl so I’ll do my best to keep his name out of it.”

The gratitude on Nicky’s face was plain as day and Cordelia gained a new admiration for the hardened warrior. He may wear darkness like a comfortable coat, but he still had a heart in there.

“We better get in contact with Zeke, let him know what is happening,” Demetri said to Isaac and the two of them left the lounge along with Nicky.

Mary, Marcus and Anne stayed; ready to discuss the plan further but they quickly fell silent when they noticed Gabe’s expression. He was glaring at Cordelia, fists clenched at his side, practically vibrating with anger. For her part, Cordelia glared right back at him, pissed off by the way he had acted earlier with Mary. The tension crackled between the two of them and it had the others quickly fleeing the room.

“Go ahead, spit it out, I know you’ve been waiting,” Cordelia snapped, crossing her arms over her chest as she faced off with him. 

“What the hell are you thinking? Do you have a death wish?” Gabe yelled at her, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.

“Need I remind you that I saved your ass from Armand before. I’m not some weakling, incapable of taking care of myself.”

“This is a suicide mission!”

She rolled her eyes at his dramatics. “It’s not a suicide mission.”

“Then what is it? Do you think if you refuse to do this, they won’t love you anymore? That your family will send you away? Is that it?”

“No, this is about me,” she told him. “I spent my entire life being told by my own mother that I was never good enough for her. You have no idea what it is like to have the one person who is supposed to love you, hate you. Then I came here and they loved me unconditionally. I know that I can refuse to do this and they will still love me.”

Gabe was quiet, staring at her and she could see the anger that had fuelled him begin to taper off. 

“I am doing this because of that unconditional love. They gave me everything. I refuse to let them down.”

He searched her eyes, looking for what she didn’t know but her gaze never faltered. It didn’t matter what he said or thought, she was doing this. If this damaged the relationship she had with him, so be it. She would rather make her stand here and let him know that she would not bow to him than spend her time with him under his thumb.

“Fine,” he conceded, tossing his hands in the air hopelessly. “But if you insist on doing this, I’m coming with you.”

She shook her head. “Nope, not going to happen. You’ll just get hurt.”

“I’m not completely inept, you know? I’ve been in more than a few fights in my life.”

“With humans, not Shadow Walkers.”

“So then I’ll make sure to bring a stake with me,” he said, the anger growing once again in his voice. “Look, you aren’t the only one shouldering blame about how all this shit has gone down. I’m just as much at fault as you are. If I hadn’t been at the club, none of this would be happening.”

“Well, you’ll just have to live with the guilt. And I don’t care if that makes me a hypocrite, I’m not going to let you get killed for some intangible moral superiority.” 

His eyes narrowed and his mouth set in a hard line as he stared her down.

“I can do this.”

“No you can’t!” she yelled at him, her temper finally snapping as the fear of losing Gabe swamped her. “We are talking about going up against a guy who had his throat ripped open with a crowbar and is still walking around or don’t you remember that? This isn’t a fight humans can win.”

“Fine, if I need super strength to play in the game, you can change me.”

She gawked at him as he stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, looking confident and defiant. He had no idea what he was saying. As if becoming a Shadow Walker was like super-sizing a combo meal. No real thought put into the choice, just an
Ah hell, why not?
and nothing more.

“That is definitely not happening,” she said with finality.

“Why not? I’m already in on the whole secret Shadow Walker world thing, so why shouldn’t I join up with you guys?”

“This isn’t like signing up for the boy scouts. You wouldn’t be human anymore.”

The corner of his mouth curled up in a satisfied half-smile. “You sure as hell felt human this morning in bed.”

She ignored him and continued to try and make him face reality. “This isn’t a decision to be made on a whim. It isn’t about just gaining super strength and fangs. You have to lose something too and that’s your humanity. It means you leave behind the human world. Everyone you know will believe that you’re dead.”

“That’s fine. There’s no one in that world I give a shit about.”

“Have you not figured out that being a Shadow Walker means no kids? Did you even think about that? You’d be giving up the chance to ever have children.”

“I could take or leave having kids,” he said, shrugging it off like it was no big deal.

“Stop it!” she yelled at him, her control snapping. “Stop acting like this stuff doesn’t matter!”

“It doesn’t matter to me. It only matters to you.”

“Your humanity should matter to you,” she said and had to fight hard against the urge to shake him until he saw the light. He just kept putting up wall after wall. Maybe trying to go around instead of knocking them down would work.

“If I change you, I would have complete control over you. Whatever I order you to do, you have to do it even if you don’t want to.”

“I trust you. You would never do anything like that.”

“You don’t know what I would do!” she cried in frustration. “Do you want to know why everyone here was so scared when they talked about Remy going rogue? It wasn’t because they were scared of
him
; it was because they were scared of
themselves
. It’s because they know, just like I do, that just a step or two in the wrong direction and we’ll lose ourselves to power inside us.”

She began to pace back and forth in front of him, needing to move around as she tried to put into words what this new instinct felt like.

“The power drives us, telling us that we can do anything we want. It plays on the primal instincts that come out when we become a Shadow Walker. Remember your first night staying here? I toyed with you, forced you down, all because you pissed me off. This power corrupts.”

“You are just saying this to scare me off,” he said skeptically, shaking his head as if he didn’t let the words settle in his brain, they wouldn’t be true.

She stopped her pacing and faced him, shaking her head mournfully. “It’s the truth. If you knew the number of times I thought about draining you dry when I was feeding from you, you’d never let me near you again. The only thing that stops me is the fact that I care about you so much, it gives me the strength to hold back. That is why I won’t change you. Not tonight, not for this.”

He glared at her, still that wall of stubbornness but she refused to back down.

Finally, he looked away and let out an aggravated noise.

“Fine, don’t change me but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit around here like a some ball-less idiot, waiting to find out if you come back dead or alive.”

The superior tone of his voice and the stubborn set of his shoulders were like nails on a chalkboard to her, setting her on edge. The threat of leaving her was just icing on the aggravation cake. If he wanted to play that way, fine, she was ready to play.

“That’s your choice. You’re just going to have to trust me when I say I can take care of myself. If you can’t do that, I definitely don’t want you sitting around here waiting. I want you out the door.”

With that, she left him alone in the room, storming off down the hall, wanting to put as much distance between herself and him. Her hands were shaking but it wasn’t from anger anymore. Now she was trembling from fear, scared that she had done something stupid by issuing an ultimatum. As painful as it was, she knew she had to do it if they were to make this relationship work. She needed him to trust in her, without that, they were doomed.

Chapter 17

Cordelia stared up at the night sky, amazed at the vast expanse of stars. This far from the city lights, the sky sparkled as if glitter had been scattered across the black sky. After her fight with Gabe, she had found herself drawn to the back garden. She had settled down in the grass to stare at the sky, hoping the fresh air would clear her mind. Unfortunately, fresh air couldn’t work miracles and her thoughts were still racing at full speed.

She had the urge to run back to the manor to beg Gabe to stay, promising to do whatever he wanted as long he stayed with her. She fought it with every ounce of her strength, knowing that she could not cave. Not only would that mean going back on the promise to her clan, it would mean going back on the vow she had made to avenge Olivia’s death. She would not break that vow, not even for Gabe.

A shadow settled over her and she craned her neck back to see Nicky standing over her. She smiled at him as he settled down beside her, mimicking her pose and gazing up at the night sky.

“It looks like you take after me.”

She turned her head and at her questioning look he tried to explain himself.

“Any time I feel conflicted, I come out here and look up at the stars. The world has changed so much in my two thousand years and yet the stars have remained virtually the same. Even the ones that burn out are nearly unnoticeable. I find comfort in such consistency.”

“I find it scary. If stars can cease to exist and no one notices, what does it say about our existence? It makes me feel small and insignificant.”

“Maybe that is something you need when you are dealing with such big and significant problems.”

Her brow furrowed and she frowned in annoyance. “Are you in my head?”

“No, but I can feel your pain.”

She should have known. The turmoil that had been brewing inside her was probably easy for anyone with eyes, let alone the slightest empathetic ability, to pick up. 

“It’s Gabe,” she confessed. “We fought and I think things are done between us.”

“I take it he still does not favour our plan for tomorrow night.”

“If by ‘not favour’ you mean ‘absolutely despises it’ then yes. He doesn’t understand why I have to do this and why he can’t be a part of it,” she sighed. Now came the hardest part: admitting out loud what she truly feared. “I don’t think he can be a part of this world.”

“It takes time for anyone to adjust. Even you are not completely in this world yet.”

“It might still be new for me but it feels right. I’ve had doubts about a lot things since I got here but belonging here with all of you, that is one thing I’ve never doubted.”

She sighed as she thought about her life before she had changed, how out of place and unwelcome she had always felt, even as a child. Only now, knowing what it was like to belong, she realized what a sad existence it had been.

“I know what it feels like to be somewhere you don’t belong. I can’t do that to Gabe,” she told him.

Nicky lay there silently, weighing her words as the crickets chirped in the darkness.

“Have you asked him what he wants?”

She laughed derisively, thinking about what he had demanded from her. “He wants me to change him.”

“Well, then it sounds like he knows where he belongs.”

She shook her head, wishing it were that simple.

“He only wants it so he can come with us tomorrow night and protect me.”

“I see. And why does the idea of him wanting to protect you bother you so much?”

“Because he will just end up getting hurt and I can’t let that happen. If something happened to him because he was trying to protect me, I could never forgive myself.”

“So, all of this is because you want to protect him.”

She glared at him, annoyed that he had led her through all of this just to point out what a hypocrite she was being right now. 

“Oh, you
are
good.”

Nicky chuckled, unfazed by her annoyance. “It seems to me that the two of you want the same thing: to make sure the other is safe. That is not a bad thing to want, not when you love each other.”  

And there it was, the truth that she had been avoiding all this time. What had driven her to fight with him and come up with all manner of excuses why she wouldn’t change him or let him come with them.

She loved him and that made the thought of him being in danger intolerable.

She had done her best not to let this happen but it had always been out of her control. She had fallen hard, and there was no way back up. The realization should disappoint her, she had fought so hard against it, but instead she just felt relief. She had been working so hard to fight it off, she had exhausted herself. It felt good to just stop and let it wash over her.

The relief only lasted a moment before she realized that while she was sure of her own feelings, she didn’t know what was in Gabe’s heart. She knew that he wanted her physically, he had proved that to her again and again. Still, even as inexperienced as she was with relationships, she knew that lust was not love.

But then there had been those quiet moments between them, where he just held her tenderly, not looking to slake his desire but just to be near her. He would just stare into her eyes, his own shining with affection. Those were the moments that gave her hope that maybe he felt as deeply for her as she did for him.

And yet in those moments, there was still a doubtful voice that whispered to her that she could not be sure those were his true feelings. If her own mother could not love her, how could anyone else? What if she was so desperate for love that she was making him act this way. 

She had the ability to manipulate the minds of humans and, with his blood in her veins, Gabe was particularly susceptible to her influence. It was impossible for her to know with certainty that she was not unconsciously reaching out to his mind and altering his feelings.

“He cared for you long before you were a Shadow Walker,” Nicky said, pulling her out of her introspection, clearly reading her mind but she didn’t care at this point, not if he could help her.

“How do you know that?”

“I read his mind when he first arrived here.”

“Nicky, you shouldn’t have done that,” she scolded him.

“My child, part of my duty as the head of the clan is to make sure all of you are safe. I had to ensure that he posed no threat to you,” he said. “It was also my fatherly duty to find out if he was good enough for you. Consider it the Shadow Walker version of grilling him in the den while polishing my gun collection before your first date.”

She shook her head as she grinned at the picture Nicky painted but the amusement didn’t last as she thought about what he had said. Gabe had cared for her before she reintroduced herself to him as a Shadow Walker. It warmed her but, still, caring for someone wasn’t the same as being in love with them. She wanted desperately for him to love her as much as she loved him. And she wanted that love to be real, not the side effect of her otherworldly powers.

“Is there a way to turn it off?” she asked. “The psychic gifts, I mean.”

“It is possible with my help to strengthen your shields. It will keep your abilities in check,” Nicky informed her.

“Will that stop my subconscious from doing something I don’t want it to do?”

“Yes, you won’t be able to touch any minds without intense focus and others will not be able to penetrate your mind.”

“Good, I need you to do that to me,” she said, sitting up and he followed suit. “I need to know that his feelings are his own. I need to know that I’m not making him feel something that isn’t in his heart.”

“Whatever you need, my child.”

He reached out and placed his hands on her temples and her eyes drifted shut as she felt the flutter of Nicky’s mind on the edges of her own. She willed herself to allow him entrance and she felt the tendrils of his own psychic energy surrounding and merging with her own.

“It’s done.”

“Thank you,” she said with all sincerity. “And you don’t need to worry about me anymore. You aren’t selfish. You have given me a family. Even if I hadn’t been dying, I would have joined you.”

Nicky reached out and cupped her cheek, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “Thank you, my child. Now go talk to him.”

With a final smile of thanks, she rose from the ground and set off back to the manor, purpose in her stride. She was going to be brave and she was going to find out once and for all what Gabe’s true feelings were for her. Where she went from there, she had no idea but she wasn’t going to let that scare her off. Not when she had so much to lose if she just sat back and let him disappear.

***

After Cordelia had stormed out on him, Gabe had stalked up to their room, his fury at her words dogging his every step. He had been intent on calling her bluff, ready to pack up his belongings and get the hell out of here.

Except when he got to the room, he realized that he didn’t have anything of his own here to pack up. Hell, even the clothes he was wearing weren’t his own. He had been borrowing clothes from Demetri for more than a week. 

He had no more excuses to stay but he found himself frozen, unable to get his feet moving. Instead, he had sunk down on the sofa and stared at the bed where he and Cordelia had shared so many memories. The sheets were still rumpled from their earlier romp but it wasn’t the sex that he remembered the most.

It had been the conversations they had late into the day as they lay there. She had told him about her horrible mother and he had told her about his downward spiral after losing his mother. They had shared their hearts and minds as much as they shared their bodies, nurturing a deep connection that had nothing to do with blood or sex.

It had been everything he had wanted with her since he had first met her. He had believed that things were perfect between them. Then all this shit with Armand had gone down and everything was all fucked up again. He never seemed to win.

And the truth was, he wanted like hell to win with her. This time spent with her had made his feelings painfully obvious: he was head over heels in love with her.

The thought of her in any danger made his stomach turn and it lit off this burning need inside him to take her somewhere far away, where it would just be the two of them and he could look after her. She was his and he wouldn’t let any harm come to her. The problem was she hadn’t gotten that memo.

She still thought she was on her own and it’s not as if he had done anything to make her think differently. Instead of telling her how he felt, he had let his damn fear and ego get the better of him. He had gone about everything wrong.

What he should have done was take a calming breath and tell her the truth. He loved her and he couldn’t imagine his life without her. Wanting to be changed into a Shadow Walker wasn’t just about protecting her; it was also because he didn’t want her living without him. He wanted forever with her and she could make that happen.

But saying all of that would make sense and God fucking forbid he do anything that made sense. The idea of losing her made it impossible for him to be rational, which meant he had acted like a complete asshole to her.

His threat to leave had been his hail mary, a last ditch attempt to scare her into doing what he wanted. It had been a low blow, a move born out of desperation instead of any real intention to follow through. But she had called his bluff, refusing to be manipulated and Gabe feared that he would not be able to take back his words.

She was strong and she wasn’t going to be pushed around, even by him. If he didn’t accept that, he would lose her. The problem was his instincts had him needing to protect her and no amount of reason was going to silence them. 

He scrubbed the heels of his palms over his face, groaning in frustration. This was not how he wanted things to go.

The door opened and he dropped his hand to see Cordelia in the doorway, her face registering surprise at finding him here. She quickly schooled her features into a neutral expression as she came in, shutting the door softly and leaning back against it.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d still be here.”

“I thought you could always tell where I was.”

“Signal is down for the next little while.”

He nodded his head even though he wasn’t sure what she meant but he didn’t care about that now. They had more important things to discuss. Like him grovelling for forgiveness then laying his heart on the ground before her and praying she didn’t crush it under her feet.

“Look before you say anything, there is something I have to tell you and if I don’t say it right now, I’m never going to say it,” she said before taking a deep breath, steeling herself for whatever it was she had to say.

“I’m in love with you.”

He stared at her, not quite sure if he had heard her right. She stood there, biting down on her lip, staring at him and he saw something new in her eyes. Vulnerability. She was willing to put herself on the line, something they had both avoided doing in the past. If either one of them had just been honest back then maybe they would have come to this place a long time ago.