Bound by Love's Gravity (2 page)

Predictably, Kylia tiptoed to the table and joined Sarah. “Want to talk about it?” she asked.

Still not glancing at Kylia, Sarah cleared her suddenly dry throat. “I thought you weren’t my therapist any longer.”

For months, Sarah had worked one-on-one with the resident therapist at Deke and Adam’s BDSM club, The Edge, until Kylia had released her from her care. Not because Sarah was better but because Kylia felt they’d grown too close. She’d said it was a bad idea for them to blur the lines of a close friendship and a doctor-patient relationship. So she’d suggested a colleague of hers as an alternative.

“I’m not,” Kylia murmured as she covered Sarah’s cold hand with her much warmer, slightly sticky one. “I’m asking as your friend, Sarah.”

The compassion in Kylia’s voice touched Sarah, more so than normal. Now that they were only friends, it meant a lot to Sarah to know that Kylia was doing and saying these things because she wanted to and not because she had to.

Powerless to combat Kylia’s kindness, Sarah was compelled to talk to her friend about what was going on. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, she started talking in spite of her embarrassment. “W–W–Well,” Sarah stammered as a blush crept into her cheeks, causing them to flame as furiously as the drink on the table. “I…uhh…have come to a conclusion.”

“And?” Kylia inquired, clearly pressing for more information but not pushing beyond Sarah’s personal boundaries. “What is it?”

Desperate for a distraction, Sarah clasped the coffee mug by the handle then raised it to her lips. This time she didn’t waste a second worrying about the heat. She simply tipped the cup up and took a large gulp. Not surprisingly, the blazing-hot liquid scalded her tongue before burning an excruciating path down her esophagus.

Grimacing, Sarah dropped the cup. The liquid sloshed onto the table, but she didn’t care. She was too busy fanning her mouth, grumbling at her own stupidity.

Next to Sarah, Kylia surged to her feet. “Let me get that,” she said as she stalked across the room to get paper towels. In a jiffy, she returned and mopped up Sarah’s spilled tea. Laying the roll of paper towels on the table, she sat back down. “Now that that’s taken care of, let’s talk.”

Sarah lifted her eyes to Kylia’s face. Though, she didn’t quite meet her gaze. “I lost myself when I was with Gavin. You know that, Kylia. Being controlled and abused by a psychotic man who claimed to be a Dom would do that to anyone. But he wasn’t a Dom. I’ve seen Doms, real Doms, in Kinky and at The Edge. None of those men would ever do what Gavin did to me.”

Kylia nodded. “You’re right. A Dom protects his sub. He doesn’t degrade them or mistreat them. And he definitely doesn’t damage them. Not like Gavin did to you.” Without warning, Kylia’s face changed, growing severe and as hard as granite. Her eyes glittered with unconcealed fury before she spat, “That prick was not a Dom. He was a twisted sadist bent on terrorizing a loving, giving woman. He took advantage of your submissive nature, Sarah. And that was wrong of him.”

Unable to hide her embarrassment, Sarah looked away. “I know,” she replied quietly. “He was wrong. But then again, so was I. I blindly allowed him to do whatever he wanted to me. I let him tell me how to live my life. I gave him the right to control who I was. And I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t know him. Not really. Heaven knows that I didn’t love him. I’m not even sure that I trusted him all that much.”

“You weren’t wrong,” Kylia countered. “You were just…”

“Naive?” Sarah supplied. Her lips quirked at the corners then lifted up in a half smile. “Yes, I was. But I’m not anymore. Now I know better.”

Kylia’s tight expression fled, and she returned Sarah’s smile before murmuring, “That’s good. I think you’re on the right track.”

Sarah’s stomach clenched anxiously. “There’s more to it than getting back on the right track, Kylia. I want to find myself. I want to know who and what I am. If I’m strong then I want to be strong. If I’m weak then I want to accept that I’m weak. But I can’t stand being empty anymore. I can’t bear to not know the person deep inside me.”

Kylia’s eyes swept across Sarah’s face as though assessing her, but she said nothing.

Unnerved by the intensity in her friend’s gaze, Sarah squirmed. “And the only way I can learn about myself is by exploring every part of me, even the things I’ve suppressed over the last twelve months. That includes the submissive side I swore never to delve into again.”

“But you said you wouldn’t become involved in BDSM again,” Kylia reminded her.

Sarah nodded her agreement. “I know. However, things have changed.”

“I can see that,” Kylia quipped, grinning.

Sarah took a deep breath. “Things are about to change even more.”

“How so?” Kylia asked.

“I’m going to get an apartment in Kinky.”

Kylia laughed mockingly. “That’s going to go over well with Deke and Adam.”

Tough cookies
. “They’ll just have to get over it.”

Kylia snorted. “Yeah, right, sure.”

“They aren’t my Doms,” Sarah said defensively. “And the club isn’t my home. I have to set up roots somewhere.”

“Are you going to ask them to be your Doms?”

Sarah flushed before quickly glancing away. “Yes…I think…maybe…if I can work up the courage.”

Kylia shifted, leaning back in her seat. She crossed her arms over her chest then set her contemplative eyes on Sarah. “Are you sure you want to do all of this at once? Do you really think you’re ready?”

That was the million-dollar question. Was she ready?

“I think so.” Sarah answered both herself and Kylia. “I can’t say I
know
for sure because I don’t know the future. But I have to do something, something big. Living like this…it’s a waste. I don’t want to spend my entire life hiding, pretending that Gavin didn’t hurt me.” She sighed. “He did hurt me. He almost destroyed me. Seeing those pictures reminded me of that fact.”

Just before Thanksgiving, a spiteful woman had sent Sarah a copy of the crime photos from the night her ex-boyfriend had attacked her. Leila Schilling had wanted to mess with Sarah’s head as a means of revenge against Sarah’s friends and family in Serenity. She had gotten exactly what she’d hoped for. Just one look at the graphic images had brought back every repressed memory of the worst hours of her life, and she’d been forced to relive that night all over again.

Sympathy filled Kylia’s gaze as she clasped Sarah’s hand in her own. “But Sarah, honey, it’s not good to make big decisions when your emotions are skewed. You need a level head.”

Sarah didn’t agree. Not one bit. “No, I need to
do
something. If I don’t, I never will.” She lifted her tea and sipped on the still-hot brew. As she sat the mug back down, she went on, “KK, I sat at the table yesterday with my loved ones and watched them. They have lives. They have spouses and children. They have homes and jobs. And I have nothing. I live in an apartment in The Edge that doesn’t belong to me. I sold my salon, so I have no job. And other than Deke and Adam, I have no males in my life. Goodness knows those two aren’t going to be running me down the aisle anytime soon.”

“Sarah—”

Sarah cut Kylia off. “I don’t have a future. Not one that I want.”

“Honey—”

Again, Sarah interrupted Kylia. “At first, living at The Edge was about having a place to be safe from Gavin, if he came back like he promised. When he didn’t return, staying in Kinky was about me having time to heal emotionally and physically. But it was never supposed to be like this. I’m not moving forward. Nor am I moving backward. I just exist.”

Kylia nodded. “I understand that. But you have to remember it takes time to heal from an abusive relationship, especially one to the extent of yours and Gavin’s. He nearly killed you.”

“Yes he did,” Sarah agreed. “He
nearly
killed me. But he didn’t actually do it. I’m alive. I’m breathing. Now it’s time to start acting like it.”

* * * *

I feel like hell.

Rolling over onto his back, Adam Stanton turned his head and peered across the bed at his longtime lover, Deke Andrews. The man he’d loved for half his life was sleeping. But it was hardly a peaceful slumber. He’d spent the majority of the night tossing and turning, cursing and groaning. He’d even broken out in a sweat that soaked the sheets. Obviously, his nightmares were back.

Eyeballing his big, dark-haired partner, Adam couldn’t help but worry. Since Sarah’s attack all those months ago, Deke had changed. Adam had noticed little things that were different, things that didn’t always make sense. And as much as he hated to admit it, Adam felt his partner pulling away from him day by day.

Sluggishly cracking open one brown eye, Deke looked at Adam and said in a thick, sleepy voice, “Stop looking at me like that. I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” Adam growled. “You’re not fine. You haven’t been for a long time.”

Deke shook his head. A sound of disgust rumbled in his throat as he opened both his eyes. Quickly, the drowsiness fled his piercing gaze, and he appeared to shake off the last of his lethargy. Grunting, he threw back the blankets then rolled out of bed. “I’m fine,” he repeated. “It sounds like people are up already. I’m going to get dressed then hit the gym.”

Making a split-second decision, Adam decided to follow his instincts and go with his partner. Maybe then he would be able to pressure him into talking to him. “Me, too,” Adam said. “I need to work off some steam.”

Adam snorted inaudibly. He needed to work off more than steam. Lately, he was torn in so many directions he didn’t know which end was up. Between Sarah and Deke, his heart ached for what they were going through and his cock throbbed in need to physically connect with the people he loved most. Considering his recent abstinence, Adam figured that wasn’t likely to happen.

God knew he and Deke hadn’t made love in weeks. For one reason or another, it never worked out. Although, Adam suspected there was more to it than that. As far as Sarah, he wouldn’t touch her without Deke. That would be cheating, and he loved his partner too much to do that to him. So he suffered without either of the people he loved. It was killing him, decimating his heart daily. But he couldn’t tell them that. He couldn’t show them either. They had too much going on to deal with his shit.

Oh well. Time to stop being a pansy.
Flipping the covers back, Adam crawled out of the bed. Standing to his full six-foot-one-inch height, he stretched all of his stiff joints. He ignored the age-induced cracks and pops. At thirty-six, he knew he was in good shape. But still, his age was beginning to creep up on him.

“I think I’ll hit the shower,” Deke murmured so quietly that Adam barely made out his words. “I can work out later. I’m not really feeling up to it anymore.”

Of course not, bastard. That would involve you talking to me.
“Whatever,” Adam grumbled. “I’m going to get dressed and check on Sarah.”

Deke’s face instantly closed up. He went so arctic that Adam felt the nip of cold air blasting from across the bedroom. “Do what you want,” Deke snapped. “She’s probably still asleep.”

Adam didn’t think that was real likely. But he didn’t say anything. Instead, he turned his back on Deke, ignoring the pain that besieged him when he did, and started toward the closet. A second later, he heard the bathroom door slam shut. However, Adam said nothing. He did nothing to acknowledge his partner’s departure. He just kept going until he stepped inside the closet.

Marching over to where his clothes were hung neatly, Adam yanked a pair of jeans off one hanger then took a couple of steps and grabbed a sweater off another. He dressed himself with agitated hands, trying to think about anything—other than Deke and his brutal dismissal.

Once he was dressed, Adam hurriedly checked himself in the mirror. Satisfied that he didn’t look like shit, he went in search of Sarah. It didn’t take him long to find her in the kitchen with Kylia.

Rather than disturb them, he passed the door on his way to the living room. He’d made it about two steps past the doorway before he heard the sound of Sarah’s soft, sweet voice saying, “I’m going to live my life the way I want to. And the first thing I want to do is move to Kinky permanently. That’s where my heart is.”

Adam’s own heart stopped. He’d been expecting this day to come but not so soon. Part of him was thrilled for her. But the other part of him was panicking. He’d hoped he could have everything worked out with Deke before she came to them. And he knew she would come to them. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but she would come. It was only a matter of time.

Adam had known since the day he’d met her that she was the one for them. Now he just had to figure out how to convince Deke of that. And he had better do it
soon.

* * * *

Glaring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, Deke had to force himself to not smash his fist into the glass. God, he was such a fucking bastard. He’d treated Adam like shit for no real reason. His partner hadn’t done anything wrong. It was Deke who had. It was Deke who was fucking everything up. Not Adam. Like a fool, he was the one allowing his past to rule his life. And every day he did, he became harder. Every night, he became colder.

Deke snorted.
As if that’s possible. I’m about as warm as an icicle.
He had been for as long as he could remember. His drug-addict mother’s abandonment and deadbeat father’s abuse had hardened his heart at a young age. But two disastrous relationships with two different women had hardened him further. And after them, he’d completely closed off his heart. Other than Adam, he hadn’t let anyone in. Now, he wasn’t even letting him in.