Brave (Healer) (5 page)

             
He yawns.

             
‘Are you tired? You can go to bed if you want to,’ I say. ‘You don’t have to stay with me.’ But I wish you would.

             
He smiles angelically, ‘I hate leaving you in here alone it feels so cruel.’

             
Maurice never minded leaving me alone. We would have sex and he would disappear taking the comfort he provided away from me and leaving me with an empty sensation in my guts. It was easy for him to pretend that he wanted to fall asleep and wake up together but neither of us were really after companionship though. I needed something to stop the hemorrhaging pain of loving and losing Gabe and my family and Maurice just thirsted for my blood. My happiness meant nothing to him.

             
‘I’m fine,’ I whisper but I am not so sure I mean it. I am afraid of what thoughts will come to me once Oliver leaves. There are so many stalking around at the back of my mind waiting to pounce on me as soon as he is gone.

             
‘You don’t have to lie to me, Cassie, I’m not your parent. Don’t tell me you’re okay if you’re not,’ he says and there is a sadness in his face which is only detectable from this close up. It is so sweet, so tender, that I could cry. It fills me with the weirdest feeling that he knows I’m lying. Is this hope?

             
My family and my friends don’t know how I really feel or maybe they do and they just deny the truth because it is easier to buy into the idea of happiness than admit someone you love is dying on the inside. Regardless, it is nice for someone to finally see what is going on underneath and for once someone is really allowing me to be sad. I can take off the mask now.

             
I clear my throat of any tears lingering there, ‘I’m really scared, Oliver.’

             
I think, for a second, that he might start crying but he doesn’t instead he pulls me in closer and kisses my forehead like I am a small child, ‘I know you are. Everyone is and, Cassie, don’t ever lie to me again.’

             
‘I didn’t...’

             
‘Yes, you did. You said you weren’t tired tonight but you are clearly exhausted and you said you were fine but you couldn’t be any more terrified,’ he says. ‘You can be honest with me, Cassie, if we are going to be living together for a while I want you to feel comfortable enough to tell me the truth.’

             
If I was being honest, I would tell him that my heart is broken because I am madly in love with a boy who doesn’t know who I am anymore and that I am scared to death of losing the people I love. If I was being honest, I might also tell him that in one day everything has changed and that I want him to cover me in soft kisses and fall asleep with me tonight. How can I tell him these things and expect him not to run away?

             
‘Okay, I promise I’ll tell the truth from now on,’ I say.

             
‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep either,’ he smirks and he squeezes me a little tighter. ‘Right try to sleep. I need to go to bed soon. There is a radio under the bed if you need to talk to me, there is a buzzer to wake me up and there is a phone on the wall in case you need anything from June.’

             
He is going to leave; I want to beg him to stay with me. I’m not ready to let go of him and let the sadness rush in. He is like a plug in the hole in my life and when he leaves, it will disappear and the hope will drain out of me and I’ll be empty again. It seems silly when I know I will see him in the morning but goodbyes are hard for me now. Oliver kisses me on the forehead and leaves me in an impregnable silence where I contemplate the worst goodbye of my life.

             
Remembering saying goodbye to Gabe makes a chill run through me. The last words he said to me were ‘take care of yourself.’ He was never one for expressing how he really feels and now I’ll never know. I like to believe, maybe I just convince myself, that he loved me and that even without his memories somewhere inside of him his love for me still exists. It just need to be unlocked like the padlocks at the Ponts des Arts: my favourite spot in Paris. I remember Gabe’s dreamy stare as he looked off into the horizon as we stood on that bridge together. I would give anything to see his face again and to redo our last goodbye. My heart aches.

             
I am more alone than ever in this cold, damp hut. If only Gabe could be here with me. I could hold him tightly until all his memories returned. I would give him only the good ones. He doesn’t need to think about Claire, his ex-girlfriend who can’t even remember his name, or the hideous monster that is Maurice. I would just fill him up with my love and that would be enough. But Gabe isn’t here.             

             
I turn to yearning for Oliver’s company. He is warm and lovely and it is delightfully distracting to be with him but not in the sinister way that Maurice shadowed my pain with false desire. Oliver is peaceful and he is odd and I like him a lot. I wish he could hold me to keep the cold and the solitariness at bay.

             
I begin to cry and I cry until I can’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I try to sleep. I toss and turn. The sadness of missing Gabe is replaced with fear for my family. Are they safe? Has Maurice found them or has he moved on in a quest to find what he is really after? Me. A strange wave of unconsciousness comes over me but all I can see in the darkness is Maurice’s evil face. The same devilish expression which is etched onto Gabe’s skin. I can see nothing else and he is laughing. He is cackling at me because he knows he is going to win and I begin to scream.

             
I scream so hard that I am certain I am waking the entire world up and then the door swings open. I think it is Maurice, he has found me already, and I scream even louder until I realise that the silhouette standing before me is too large in stature to be lithe Maurice and it is reaching out to hold me with affection. It’s Oliver. Did he hear my screams?

             
‘It’s okay, Cassie, it’s alright,’ in a swift movement he has me propped upon his knee and is stroking my hair. I sob and I scream into his chest. I’m terrified, I’m angry and I’m indescribably sad.

             
‘I miss him so much, Oliver,’ I manage to say through my cries.

             
‘I know you do,’ he rocks back and forwards gently and runs his fingers through my knotty hair. ‘Of course you do.’

             
He keeps rocking me like a baby and as if by magic I stop crying and I feel sleepy. He can’t leave me again. I can’t be left alone in here or the darkness will consume me completely. Fear will kill me before Maurice does. ‘Please don’t go again,’ I say softly.

             
‘I promise I won’t,’ this is the most serious I have heard Oliver since I’ve met him. His face is hardened with a deeply pensive expression. ‘Get into bed.’

             
Now that the teary glaze has been removed I can take in my surroundings and I realise Oliver is severely underdressed and is in nothing but a pair of tight white pants. His body is magnificent. I have never seen a man look so mammoth and every muscle so defined. I thought Maurice was a sight to behold but Oliver is breathtaking. Wow.

             
He pulls back the covers for me and I slip underneath. I expect him to tuck me in like a child but instead he crawls in right beside me. The bed is tiny and definitely not made for two people especially not one who is giant like Oliver but I love him being here with me.

             
‘You’re freezing,’ he whispers into my hair which, because of the tight space, must be suffocating him. He puts his warm hands on my shivering body to heat me up and I feel jumpy as his fingers touch my thighs and stomach.  He feels my anxiety and in a hushed voice says, ‘Try to sleep, Cassie.’

             
He doesn’t need to tell me twice. I should be more concerned about how good this feel but I’m not. I fall fast asleep in his arms within seconds.

FIVE

             
I wake up in a sweat with Oliver’s body collapsed over me. His face is nuzzled into my hair and he is snoring loudly. I try to turn over but his arms have me locked in a tight grip. This is the first time I have ever woken up next to a man since that fateful night in the hotel room in Paris with a very drunk Gabe.

             
I wait a few minutes before giving him a light shove but he just grunts and barely shifts at all so I pat his hairy cheek repeatedly until eventually his eyes stutter open. ‘Morning,’ I smile at him and he grimaces. Somebody obviously isn’t a morning person.

             
‘What time is it?’ he releases me from his grasp.

             
‘Dunno,’ I shrug. We prop ourselves up with our elbows but our faces are still so close that there is no option but to look right into each other’s eyes. Why can’t I be lying next to Gabe? It is so unjust but I banish these thoughts from my mind. In the morning it is easier to swallow down any bad feelings until they come spewing back out like acidic bile at night.

             
His grumpy morning face softens into a smile and his chocolate eyes melt. ‘How are you feeling? Any better?’

             
Much better next to him, I think, but it is too presumptuous to say out loud. Isn’t it? Although I’m not so sure Oliver is being particularly subtle with his affections towards me. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. He is just friendly and he’s worried about my sanity. Just because he’s in my bed doesn’t mean he fancies me.

             
‘Yeah, I feel better,’ I say. I want to kiss him. Badly. He is biting his lip as if he knows and his teasing leaves me tingling with expectation. I’m suddenly overcome with mortification at my childlike outburst last night. The last thing I wanted him to see was me all snotty nosed, bleary eyed and screaming like a wild woman. I awkwardly apologise, ‘I’m sorry for last night...’

             
He strokes my hair with the back of his hand. His sticky breath is making me even hotter and I’m aware that there is a thin layer of sweat all over my body. I touch the nape of my neck self-consciously and it’s damp. The way he is touching my hair fondly and looking into my eyes is making me feel as if I am sacred stardust which he has to protect. I think he might even want to kiss me or at least compliment me but he just smiles and goofily says, ‘What do you want to do today?’

             
I find myself laughing at the moment killer. The romantic tension has fizzled out now. ‘Uh I don’t know, what do you normally do up here? Surely you don’t just sit in the house all day alone?’

             
It would be a lonely existence even with the company of June who seems hilarious. Surely he has friends and a family who he visits. What about a job? Or is he a full time babysitter for vampire prey?

             
‘Pretty much,’ he shrugs and I feel guilty for mocking his, let’s call it, humble existence.

             
‘No job?’ No girlfriend? I wonder. Oliver would make the perfect boyfriend. I seriously can’t find a fault in him. Thinking about that makes me think of my own ‘boyfriend’ back home. Calling Jonathan that makes me squirm. I care about him, I do like him and I would never want to hurt him but there is no electricity. I felt like I was being burned every time I looked at Gabe, I feel that fiery current running through me whenever I even think about him, but with Jonathan there was only numbness. The laughter was empty and his touch made me feel nothing. I can’t deny there is definitely a spark with Oliver; I just have to be careful not to let that spark ignite into something that I can’t control.

             
‘Nope,’ he shrugs.

             
‘How can you afford this place?’ I ask. ‘Well, not
this
place obviously but your house.’

             
He starts to stroke my hair again. He makes it seem as if not touching me is difficult to him. He explains and I listen and watch his face intently as he speaks, ‘Uh well my parents were very, very wealthy and this house has been in my family for generations and well there’s only me left so I have to keep it.’