Breakable (11 page)

“Where
are you going?”

She
jerked to look at me. “Nowhere. I mean, just… work stuff.”

“Since
when do you work?”

“Look,
I have to go, Stacy. I’ll talk to you later, okay? Or maybe tomorrow. Just…just
stay away from Dex. And whatever you do about the whole Mark and Karyn
thing…just remember, no one’s perfect.”

And
with that totally random piece of advice, she walked out of the frame.

I
was left sitting on my carpet, staring at my own open mouth, wondering what I
had missed.

Chapter Thirteen

The
next morning, walking the halls was like flipping channels on TV – if all the
channels were playing gossip talk shows. And all the talk shows featured Dex.

“…heard
his father threatened to sue the school if they didn’t let him back in…”

“…He’s
in my chemistry class. I sat right behind him. He looks even better with the
jacket
off
…”

“…wonder
if it was one of those places where they make you go to church and stuff. He
has that spiritual quality…”

“…Dad
said his parents make him see a psychiatrist for his repressed rage…”

I
rolled my eyes as my locker came into sight. It would have been funny if Dex
hadn’t been such a jerk. Last year we would have found a quiet corner at lunch
and laughed about it…If he was there. If he wasn’t off with his friends, or
ditching.

Knowing
everyone else was talking about him – probably too scared to actually talk
too
him – made me want to find him. Figure out the truth.

But
my truth was, it made me shaky to be close to him. He looked so good. And part
of me still missed him. But Mark and Older Me were right about one thing. He
had
been a jerk to me. And I was better off keeping my distance.

Luckily
this morning no one was close to my locker and Finn was nowhere in sight. I’d
stayed away from the scene of yesterday’s humiliation for the rest of the day.
Hopefully the little crowds gathered nearby were too busy discussing Dex to try
and rehash the moment. My stomach sank as I reached for the lock that wasn’t
there.

My
head spun in time with the twisting fear in my stomach.

Finn’s
face, grinning, smug. “You and your ugly face already ruined my life once. I’m
not letting you do it again. You say one word to Mark, and he’ll find this in
his locker.
After
copies go up all over school.”

With
trembling fingers I pulled the handle down and opened the door, grabbed my
wallet and another notepad, closed the locker door and clicked it into place.

“Hey,
Stellar.” The voice slid like warm water on my skin. I froze.

The
corridor was much quieter than when I walked in. The whispers had almost
stopped. Because he was here. Standing next to me. Waiting for me to answer.

“Hey,
Dex,” I said, hand still frozen on the locker handle, unable to meet his eyes.

“Where
you headed?”

“I’ve,
uh, got economics first,” I said, swallowing. I couldn’t see him clearly in my
peripheral vision. But his looming shadow reminded me just how
big
he
was.

“Great.
I’m in personal finance. I’ll walk you.”

I
still hadn’t looked at him. Needed to answer.

“Okay.”

Well,
it was a start.

Without
looking up, I turned robotically and walked down the hall. Dex fell into step
beside me, shortening his long strides to match mine.

Everywhere,
heads turned toward us, fixing first on him, with a mixture of admiration and
fear, then dropping to me where the expressions ranged from confusion to a
hearty sneer. No one spoke over a whisper.

“Tough
crowd,” Dex said lightly.

I
shrugged.

He
pushed open the fire doors into the main hall and waited for me to go through.

I
blinked. That was new. The Dex I knew hadn’t been introduced to chivalry. Or
laundry powder. But as I passed through the door, turning sideways to fit
alongside him, I caught a whiff of sunshine on leather, guy-flavored soap, and
something
him
.

I
must have stared because as he stepped through and fell in alongside me again,
he colored slightly and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Part
of my program is taking my parents’ advice,” he said sheepishly. “Mom’s big on
treating women like they’re ladies.”

“That’s
nice.” Nice?
Dex
?

He
shrugged again. “Actually, it feels weird. But it’s better than going to school
in a hospital.”

I
really did look at him then. “Is that what you had to do?”

“Sort
of. It was a place just for teenagers. So sometimes we did classwork between
sessions.”

We
turned the corner into the main hall and my heart tripped. Most mornings this
was my gauntlet. Getting to the end of this hallway so I could turn into the
Math wing had become a daily exercise in ignoring taunts, or side-stepping sly
feet.

Yesterday,
after Finn’s
joke,
I’d fled outside, taken the long walk around in the
rain just to avoid it.

But
apparently, today would be different.

In
the first few steps down the main corridor, we passed Belinda and Terese
walking in the opposite direction. I braced for impact, but Belinda just smiled
at Dex.

“Hey,
Dex,” Terese tittered.

“Hi,”
he said quietly, no smile.

I
wanted to kiss him.

They
both ignored me. I know because I turned to look over my shoulder and follow
their progress. They kept looking back, whispering to each other. But their
eyes only ever landed on Dex.

“You
know everyone’s talking about you, right?” I said without thinking.

He
snorted. “Yeah. Last year everyone thought I was a freak. But apparently rehab
is Hollywood enough to make me glamorous or something.
Belinda
sat down
with me at lunchtime yesterday. Can you believe that?”

In
those jeans…kind of. Yeah. “Not really.”

“I
know, right?”

Suddenly
I was bombarded with memories – all the reasons why I’d fallen for Dex. And
first in line was that he understood how it felt to live under a social rock.
But he’d always been so much stronger than me – fighting back when someone
pushed him around; Refusing to dwell on the stupid things our classmates said;
Not
caring
when someone tried to embarrass him.

He’d
seemed untouched by their hate. I wanted that.

And
he liked me. At least, he had. I think.

Dex
raised a hand to push open another fire door as we reached the end of the hall.
He took off his jacket and looped it over one arm. His sleeves were rolled up
almost to his elbows, revealing a coil of muscle on his forearm that made me
swallow.

When
I realized he’d caught me looking, I blushed. But Dex just chuckled deep and
warm. It rattled in my bones.

He
leaned down. “One of the best parts of rehab was the weight room,” he
whispered. His breath tickled my ear. Then he stood straight and winked.

For
a second I was enjoying it. Walking the halls with this big guy that everyone
was interested in. He was handsome and strong, and he wasn’t scared to be seen
with me.

But
it hadn’t always been that way…

I
saw him in the hallway the day after our first real date. He stood, shoulders
hunched, hands in his pockets, talking to a couple guys I didn’t know. I caught
his eye over their shoulders and waved.

He
stiffened. And his eyes dropped.

He
didn’t smile back.

I
was suddenly glad we were approaching my room.

“See
you later,” I said, ducking past him towards my door.

“Wait!”
The smile fell off Dex’s face and he put a hand on my arm to stop me.

I
waited, but pulled out of his grasp. Refused to meet his eyes.

Dex
ran a hand over his face. “Look, Stacy, I know this is weird. And I know it
sucks that I didn’t get in touch.” He glanced up the hallway, licked his lips.
“But I really was screwed up. And I really am better now. I just want you to
know I meant what I said yesterday. I’m sorry. I hope we can be…friends.”

Friends.

It
took a second for the word to sift through my head. Unfortunately, it dragged
up all kinds of things I didn’t feel like thinking about.

“That’s
nice, Dex. Really. I mean, I appreciate it, but I’m not sure…”

He
grimaced. “Stellar, c’mon. I was messed up – you know that. Half the time I
didn’t even remember what I said, or where I’d been. I mean–”

“Do
you remember being ashamed of me?” The words fell out of my mouth before I
could shovel them back in. But they seemed to shock him, so I stuck with it.
“Because I do.”

Dex
grimaced and looked away. “I wasn’t
ashamed–”

“You
called me your dirty little secret,” I said flatly, reopening a wound I thought
I’d forgotten.

All
pretense of the flirty, sweet smiles fell away. His Adam’s apple bobbed. He
looked at his feet, then tipped his eyes up to meet mine. “I also told you
things I never told anyone else. I trusted you.”

“When
you were high. And you knew I had no one else to talk to. So who was I going to
tell? Who’d believe me?”

He
shoved his jaw forward. “I said I’m sorry, Stacy.”

“Yeah,
thanks. But I prefer friends who let me know ahead of time when they’re walking
out of my life.” I moved to step past him, wanting away from the conversation because
it reminded me how I’d felt for months after he left.

“Wait.”
He grabbed my arm again, his thumb pushing hard enough into my bicep to feel
uncomfortable. “Let me make it up to you.”

“I
don’t think–”

“Go
to prom with me.”

The
words fell between us, hit the floor and shattered. My feet were nailed to the
linoleum, my eyes frozen on his face.

Dex
glanced around, then leaned down close until we were almost nose to nose.
“Look, Stellar, I get it, okay? I remember. Everyone in this school sucks. They
think they’re better than us. And that…that used to just kill me, okay? But
now…this is our chance. We can show them! We’ll do it for real – the limo, the
flowers, a room at the hotel, the whole nine yards. Like…like we should have
done last year.”

My
breath left my lungs like I’d been punched. I stepped back – away from him, or
the memory, I wasn’t sure. I just knew I needed more space. More air.

“Stellar–”

“Stop
calling me that.” I couldn’t put any tone into the words, was having a hard
enough time getting my tongue around them. “I’m not Stellar. I’m Stacy. And…and
you can show up out of the blue looking ripped and opening doors and stuff, but
you’re still Dex. You don’t get to just walk back in and act like nothing
happened. Because that’s not fair. Stuff happened.” I looked around, measuring
faces, trying to figure out if anyone had heard what we said.

Dex
stared, his face blank. All those smiles and easy grace had deserted him.

I
sighed. “I have to go.”

Right
on cue, the bell shrilled over our heads.

Dex
glanced up, then back to me, the line of his jaw shoved forward hard. “Wait,
Stell– I mean, Stacy.” He reached for me, but I dodged his grip and jogged the
few paces to the door of my classroom, knowing if he stopped me and smiled and
talked about wanting to go to prom that I wasn’t strong enough to say no twice.
Because he wasn’t playing fair.

The
year before, Dex and I had been doing whatever it was we were doing, when prom
season arrived.

At
first I was hopeful. After all, everyone wanted to go to prom. Dex was a year
older. As a junior, he could invite me even though I was a sophomore. So when
the posters first went up and tickets went on sale, I hoped.

Every
time the girls in my class leaned over my desk and asked me, overly brightly,
if I was going to prom, I just shrugged and pretended not to notice when they
laughed. I still hoped.

But
as the prom dresses slowly disappeared from the racks at the store, and the
local restaurants started putting signs up noting “Fully Booked for Prom
Night,” I began to panic.

Then,
one week before the dance, I resolved to ask him. I mean, he was awkward and
moody. And he’d been more distant lately. Maybe he was too afraid to ask,
right? Maybe…

That
morning when I turned a corner in the hall he was standing at the wall, his
t-shirt hanging off his shoulders. His pants slouching well below his hips.
He’d lost even more weight recently. He gesticulated, laughing, and his elbows
looked sharp. The dark circles under his eyes weren’t new, so I barely noted
them. In fact, the only thing I really noticed was that he was talking to
Evelyn.

She
was a skater too – the kind who looked more like a boy than the boys did. Her
black hair was cut boy-short at the back, but longer at the front so it fell in
spears over one eye. She was always draped in plaid, clomping around in army
boots. We’d spoken plenty of times, and she wasn’t catty. But I always got the
feeling she’d rather not be around me. We weren’t friends.

I
stopped across the hall, behind Evelyn, waiting for Dex’s attention. When he
noticed me, he nodded, but kept talking to her for a couple more minutes before
they hugged and she left and he shuffled over to me.