Breakdown (36 page)

But as he eased the tip of his cock against me, I gripped harder at the sheets, going still as I let him ease into me.

“Deep breath in,” he whispered. “Hold... release.”

I did, wincing slightly as my body adjusted to let him rest deep within me.

“Can’t stand that fucker’s scent on you, stunner.” A bite came, just gentle at my neck. “Need mine on you now.”

His stroke came long, deep, slow, and the worst part of me tensed. There was pain, but that was mostly because I hadn’t taken anything bigger than a slim vibrator in a while. He sensed it, pulling back gently, easing in, controlling each taste of him until it didn’t hurt anymore.

Gray eased up, leaning back, gripping onto my hips, keeping my ass off the bed. And this time when he took me, he rode a little deeper, a little harder.

“Fuck,” I breathed, tension easing away as the natural instinct to run with the heat flooded sense and worry. “Harder.”

Both of his hands came onto my hips as a murmur passed his lips. No chains kept me down, no handcuffs. Just restraint. Just Gray’s restraint. Thrusts came slower... longer... deeper again, but they also came with a heated look off Gray that expanded and contracted every breath I took.

“Fuck.” Hands went above my head. “Gonna come. Stop.” So bloody quickly.

And as he hit my prostate again, I lost it, cried defeat, gripping my cock and feeling it spill.

“Sorry. Fuck....” I pulled Gray down to me, arms nearly crushing around his neck, “So fucking sorry.” There was that terror that I’d disappointed, and it had me shaking both from the fading orgasm and just what the hell Gray would think.

“I like that you can’t control yourself around me, Jack.” He was breathing heavy too, and I realised then that he hadn’t come yet. Removing the condom, I found his cock, stroking it hard and fast against my hip, loving seeing it there. Gray seemed to shiver with it too, and I arched up into him as he murmured release.

“Fuck... fuck.” I took all he had, loving it on my skin, matching my come, sharing my skin. And for a moment, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that come touched my skin. It was Gray’s: a part of Gray, mixing with a part of me. “Fucking yes, baby.”

Then a shudder ran through me as the come on my abs really made its presence known, and my heavy breathing hid my grief as Gray came down on me, hands snaking under my back, holding me so fucking close.

The need was there, to hold him back, let hearts and heads rest, but that shivering had me flat-lining. Maybe a draught from one of the open windows, maybe...

“Yeah, you’re stressed, stunner. Easy,” soothed Gray, then he was gone, heading over into the en suite, then coming back a moment later with a damp cloth and towel.

“Here.”

He offered them down, and I took them with a frown. He watched me wipe at my abs, not rushing me as I dried myself afterwards. The shyness was back, and I curled to my side, away from him as he let the cloth and towel sleep on the bedside unit. A kiss came to my shoulder, then Gray eased back into bed.

After a moment of quiet, I found the courage to face him. It would have been so easy, just slip my leg over his, kiss at his shoulder, sleep with his touch around me. But I didn’t know how he liked or needed to be touched after sex, so I stayed quiet, just watching. He watched back. “How...” I tried eventually. “How the fuck do you stay in control like that, Mukka?” I murmured.

A hand drifted down my ass, then a kiss went to my neck as he came in close. “Mukka?” He chuckled.

“Old friend,” I mumbled back, lost to the bites.

He stopped then. “You tired, kid? Get some sleep, now.”

I buried a yawn. Yeah, maybe I was. “It’s a specific technique, isn’t it?”

“Hm?” Gray gave a soft chuckle eventually. “The control? Maybe. Not your concern, though, stunner. Not just yet....”

“Not just yet?”

Gray pulled back and looked down at me. The smile he gave was that same kick-ass grin he’d given when I’d met Brennan. “Not just yet. No. Maybe soon.”

“Get a kick out of riding the rough, eh?” I said, trying a grin, a little worried he was distant again despite being close enough to steal away and keep.

“A kick?” Such a wicked look to his eyes. “Perhaps, given the right context.” A touch came to my jaw. “Given the right person.”

My dick shouldn’t have gotten such a kick out of being considered the right person for whatever played in Gray’s mind just then. But it did, and I groaned at my lack of control.

Something had me up and scurrying around in the darkness. Maybe a dream, an echo of touching. Why the hell would red hands be touching?

One of Gray’s colognes was in my hands, the darkness not seeming to hide anything because right at the moment, the colours, scents, and shapes of the glass sprays seemed so fucking alive. Like they moved and wriggled out of place every time I shifted them. Twice I pushed them back into line, then a third time when they wriggled free, inching out of alignment. The fourth had a tear falling and me pulling out drawers, needing something else, looking for something else.

“Easy.” A body shaped me from behind and an arm eased around my waist, pulling my naked ass back onto silk pyjama bottoms. “What’s wrong, kid? What do you need?”

“Dirty...” The cologne landed on the bedroom floor and I gripped onto the arm holding me, digging in, needing to scratch, bore away the creeping. Everything in the room seemed to slither out of place and leave thick, red trails that bubbled in their wake, laughing, chuckling, trying to crawl close and—“Tuh-touch, not touch—not—”

Gray’s wallet lay on the floor. In the quiet chaos, I’d knocked it off the bedside unit and it had dropped down, sitting there on the floor. It looked out of place, but was the only thing in the room that didn’t seem to shift and move.

Gray.

Casual. Christ. I could do casual for the rest of my life.

I knelt down, taking Gray with me, not moving, just waiting, just watching. It was there, just shifting a few dusty boxes in my head, the memory of sitting, staring as food had spilled over the floor, then touch. I hadn’t been allowed to touch.

“Pick it up, kid,” came a quiet voice. And giving a frown, a glance behind, I reached out and picked up the wallet, holding it out at arm’s length. A hand found mine, holding it so steady. “Okay?” Gray whispered quietly.

I nodded, then shook my head, shaking a tear loose with it. “Can’t let go,” I said quietly.

“It’s okay, kid,” whispered Gray. “In the privacy and darkness of here, you can let anything go if you have to.”

And it came; just a slight release of breath as I finally let go, was allowed to let the wallet fall, knowing control was mine. I could pick it up at any time I damn well pleased.

It seemed to take an eternity, but when it finally rested, there was no chaos, no sound as it hit the floor. Just quiet: life settling, and being allowed to settle.

And that hold around me. That hold around me let me know it was okay to let go, take control where it mattered, then let life go casual and fall into chaos for as long as I could stand it. I could put it all back in order at any time.

A forehead rested against my shoulder and a soft sigh was given. “I shouldn’t have disturbed your routine, stunner.” A kiss at my shoulder. “Slow and easy. You need it damn slow and easy, kid.”

Jack. Age 30

I’d let so much of the bad slip me by, but so much of the good too. Gray... that first taste of going casual all those years ago, it had been because of him, it had been
with
him. That first night was fucking untouchable for so many reasons. And yeah, I realised my fuck-up. How my whisper of Old Mukka had pushed him into a distance he didn’t want to keep. I wish I’d seen it back then, and through the years. There was too much wasted time, too many wasted years of rules and formality between me and Gray. It didn’t matter what Martin had done. Gray had forgiven it, and that was enough, every other good memory needed to swamp anything Martin could throw up. Trace was right: there came a point when the bad had to be let go and lives lived in the now. I smiled a touch. But I was still useless with mazes, that hadn’t changed, especially in the darkness like this. I’d been here a dozen times, and even now I still managed to get lost twice.

The string of lights helped this time too, but like with CCTV, it wouldn’t be long before they were shut down and this place laid to rest once and for all. I’d switched the stereo on as I made my way through, and some Vivaldi shit kicked in, the infamous
Four Seasons.
Before that I’d heard the odd crackle of gravel behind me, none of it coming from under my foot, and maybe perhaps Ray was out to get his own back. Fuck this last trip up here. But see... I just needed this place one more time. Somehow it had become lost in the darkness, just like its owner. Both needed to be seen, to be remembered.

The centre of the maze looked exactly the same as it had all those years ago, except the bushes were a little higher, yet still so carefully manicured. No leaves blew about, suggesting Ed had kept up his crazy mid-night walks, how he liked to clean, but the old bench was still here.

I let the stereo rest over there, its music drifting into the maze, the same reds, blues, and, greens playing across the night sky from the outdoor pool. Added to the music and the heat of the night, everything was just fucking peachy. All it needed now was—

“Jack.”

I looked back to the exit and saw Jan there. Seemed he could find his way around this place better than I could, but then, seeing who stood next to him, he’d had help from a Master. Probably the only Master who’d matter in this whole fucked-up world of ours.

I didn’t expect Gray to be happy seeing me here. Fuck knows, give me a mirror and I’d nut the bastard for showing me my unhappy ass. But this place, these two men...

I fucking loved it here. Everything it represented, what it meant, all the history it covered. My head walked a path of its own at times, leaving me with blurred edges trying to figure out the route it took without me, and I’d lost just how special this place was, how special these two people were. Somewhere along the line, that had all been fucked-up.

“Jack?”

Hearing Jan speak as he came closer, I went over, cupped the back of his neck, and pulled him in, tonguing him deep, yet keeping an eye on Gray as he stood over by the exit.

Jan went to say something, but I shook my head, glancing at him briefly. “I know you’re going nowhere. I’m here for him.” Taking Jan by the cuff of the shirt, I pulled him behind me, then went over to Gray. I couldn’t meet his eyes, the fuck I couldn’t meet his eyes. Talking to him would be the hardest, I’d known that, and I was hoping this place.... I looked around us, I hoped that this place would translate something, most of the words I had difficulty always speaking around him.

He’d tucked his gun out of sight, but I’d caught that he’d held it; nothing more to him than a thief caught trespassing in the night. Giving a gentle stroke with the back of my hand to his, I caught a finger. The single touch triggered a barrage of emotion and I moved in so fucking quickly to rest cheek-to-cheek with him, needing to feel him on me instead of just
remember
how good he felt against my skin. Giving a slight shift, just a gentle nudge at his jaw with my nose, I needed to see if he’d respond, shift, allow me access to his throat, to him, even if it was just as a MC’s Master Dom to a first-time sub.

He never moved.

I hadn’t done emotion, not even with Doc Halliday, okay, slight lie there, I know, but I hated how Gray’s denial of me stirred it. But then Gray being pissed with me always had knocked the life out of me. I stepped back, wiping a hand over my face.

“I lied,” I whispered quietly, heart falling as I looked around. “I said I’d do the bastard, always.” I finally looked at him. “When all that really mattered was the man.”

I shrugged. “Gray, I’m not here to apologise for fucking up your world. I know I have; I probably always will.” A smile touched my lips. “Do you remember this place? We stood here, that first night I met Brennan ten years ago?”

He didn’t answer; I didn’t expect him to.