Breaking Elle (39 page)

The grandfather clock ticks away in the living room like a bomb. The front door slams and the tap of stilettos echoes against the hardwood floors. The sound of Jace and Mom talking makes my stomach twist in knots, and nausea washes over me.

“That’s not right, Mom.” Jace argues. “You can’t not call and then expect us not to worry. This is crazy!”

“Stop this.” She pleads, walking into the kitchen clutching her purse.

I spin to see Jace angrily drop his backpack on the counter.

“Mom, this isn’t right. You got to get some help for this.” He continues, clenching his fists at his side. The veins in his neck twitch and worry etches across his face.

“I don’t have a problem,” she says. She looks over at me as I stand in silence, not believing what my ears are hearing. Her denial makes this much worse.

“We know about the bottles, Mom.” I reveal, angrily stepping closer to her. She lifts her eyes, her hands visibly shake, and she knows that we have discovered her little secret. I hold back my anger as she falls into the chair at the kitchen table, sobbing into her hands. I instantly regret snapping at her. As Jace and I approach her, her shoulders shake uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry.” She sobs, looking up from behind her hair. Her mascara streams down her face in two skinny black rivers as she digs through her purse for a tissue. “I don’t want you to see me this way.” Jace kneels down to comfort her, but I can’t seem to move from where I stand. I just don’t know if she’s being sincere. When people lie to me and deceive me so many times, I lose my trust in everyone. The two people in my life that should always be there for me are also the hardest to reach. After all this time, I never thought my mom would abandon Jace and me by drowning herself in alcohol.

Then again, if I’m not there for her, then who will be? Corey hasn’t been around, and Dad’s gone. The last thing Mom needs is for Jace and me to bail on her. I don’t think Jace ever will. Even though she hurts me with her lies, I won’t either.

“You need help, Mom,” I whisper. She just hunches her shoulders and buries her face in her hands. Jace and I look at each other in silence, watching as our mother breaks down in front of us.

“I’ve looked into attending the local AA meetings. I can go with you the first time, Mom.” He breaks the silence in the room. My mother inhales deeply, places her hands flat on the table and stares blankly across the room.

“Don’t hide the broken parts, Mom. We need to see them to be able to help you.” I add reassuringly, placing my hand on hers.

“I’ve been trying, but it’s not so damn simple.” Her voice cracks as she tries to fight through the sobs.

I can’t begin to understand addiction. I don’t know what it feels like to want something so badly that you’d allow it to destroy you. I guess if you feel pushed to the edge, if you feel there is nothing or no one to save you, you might reach for something to take away the pain, the loss. I’ve felt loss, the anger when Dad left and when Cane cheated on me, but it only made me want to search for something more, something better to replace it with. Ultimately, the only person who will carry you along through it all is you. That can be scary if you’re not prepared for it. I wasn’t, but I knew that was my only option. No one is going to do it for me.

“We’ll both go with you,” I answer firmly.

“Listen,” she pauses, looking up at the both of us, “let me do this without the meetings. It’s only been a few weeks. I know that your stepfather and I may be over, and I’m ready to move forward.”

“I want to believe you, Mom. I really do, but you haven’t been completely honest with us.”

“I haven’t lied about anything.”

“Hiding the fact that you’re drinking is just as bad. What if you’d been in an accident last night or you’d hurt someone? We didn’t know where you were, if you were safe, and we don’t want to live with the fear of something happening to you.” Jace says, shaking his head. “We only have each other. You can’t do this kind of crap and not expect us to get mad or worry about you.”

“What the hell do you want from me?” She retorts, rising from the chair, clutching her purse to her chest. “I’m not a child!”

“Where are you going?” I question, eyeing her suspiciously. She can’t meet my eyes. In my twenty-two years, I have never seen my mother like this.

“I’m going to take a shower. Can we talk about this later? I’m really tired and need to lie down.” She slips off her heels taking them in her hands.

“Fine. I’m not going anywhere tonight until we figure this out.” Jace calls after her.

I listen to the water running in my mother’s bathroom, and wait until she closes the door. I quietly slip in, knowing exactly what I’m looking for. Her room’s the same disaster as it was yesterday. It seems like she has no time to do anything anymore besides drink and work. I rummage through her room, through the clothes piled on her bed, and find her purse hidden beneath the sheets. This is the worst feeling. It’s like searching through someone’s diary, trying to get into their mind, and learning about their deepest thoughts and secrets. Who am I now, Sherlock Holmes? First, I go through Reed’s drawers, and now, I’m going through my mom’s things. Needless to say, I’m having some major trust issues with people. I tell myself that this is for the best and that it will only help her.

I unzip her purse, quietly hoping that she’ll prove me wrong. I find myself mumbling, “Please don’t have any,” over and over again, digging through it for that one thing. When my fingers wrap around it, the hourglass shaped bottle, I’m crushed beyond belief. I knew something was up when she was clutching her purse close to her chest. I pull out the two small bottles of vodka, probably her little stash of alcohol when she needs a quick pick me up. I’m not sure why she decided to pick this as her way of numbing her pain.

I don’t recall my mom drinking when she was going through the divorce with Dad, but that may be because I used running or hanging out with Tyler to distance myself from the pain. Jace and I were probably too young to recognize the signs if she was. I could call my dad and ask what he knew, but I haven’t talked to him in a month. Calling him to find out if my mom had a previous alcohol problem will raise some red flags with him.

I stare at the tiny bottles in my hand, debating what to do when I hear the water stop. If she really meant what she said, she’ll do it without me taking it away from her. I have to give her that chance. No matter what decision I make right now, all of us are going to end up damaged. Everyone’s emotions are fragile. I hesitantly put them back in her purse, placing her purse back on her bed. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. It’s trial and error.

My knee’s getting better. No pain, no nothing after I finish eight laps. I’ve been gradually building up to this. This is a damn good sign that things are starting to look up. Doc was right when he said there could be moments it might seize up or something. Maybe now I’ll get an invitation to training camps once Doc and my trainer get my name back out there.

I missed Elle this morning, but she had to take care of some family issues at home. I hope things are okay. I’m trying hard to be patient. When she’s ready to tell me, she will. I have to give her that, especially with all of the things I still haven’t told her. I know it’s a messed up way of thinking, but I don’t think she’d want my problems weighing her down too.

I jog up the front steps, check the mail, and head up to the apartment. Luke spent the night with his girl, so I have the whole place to myself. Sweet. This looks to be a really good day for me. I take a quick shower, pack my bag, and grab my cell noticing that a couple of texts came through from Tommy while I was in the shower. My stomach instantly tightens. There’s only one reason why Tommy would text me. I punch his number into the phone pacing anxiously through the apartment waiting for him to answer, but he doesn’t pick up.
Holy shit.
This isn’t looking good. I try again and again, and finally, on the third try he answers. I don’t give him a chance to speak.

“Tommy, what’s happening? What’s going on with Momma? Is she okay?” I get an ache in my chest. My world is not right anymore; I can feel it. I close my eyes praying for some good news.

“I had to take her to the hospital this morning, man. She said she wasn’t feeling right, and she was coughing up some blood. The doctors are running some tests right now,” he says, his voice hopeful.

“Oh, man. I hope it hasn’t come back. Fuck, I have to come out there. I have to be there.” I stagger to the couch, sit down, and angrily pull at my hair.

“Hold on. Don’t get ahead of yourself.” I can tell by the way his voice rises and falls that he’s trying to keep my hopes up. I know that cancer isn’t forgiving. It comes back. My mom beat it once, but it took so much out of her that I don’t know if she’s strong enough to take it again. It’s been over two fucking years, and here we are again.

“Where is my sister? Is she there with y’all?”

“Yeah, Julia went to get some coffee, She should be right back.” He hesitates. “Listen, I got everything under control here, all right? I called you as soon as they wheeled her down. She didn’t want me to call you.”

“That’s insane! Why would she say that?” I yell, shaking my head in frustration.

“You know your Mom. She has her reasons.”

Yeah, stubborn as a mule. Damn it.
She can’t do this shit. She gave me her word when I left. That was the only thing I asked of her. The only way I would come out here and leave her back in Texas was if anything went wrong, she would call me right away. This is what she does, what she always does; put everyone else first. She doesn’t want to me to worry about her.

“Are you still there?” I ask, holding back angry tears. I hate to think that my mom’s going through this without me.

“Yeah, man, I’m here.” Tommy replies. “Hey, here’s your sis. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“Thanks, man. You don’t know how much this means to me.” Dropping my shoulders, I scrub my face with my hand. This can’t be happening.

“Hey, ReRe!” she answers, calling me by my childhood nickname. Only she has the honor. Her voice instantly cheers me up and imagining her sweet face on the other end of the line eases my mind a little.

“Hey, Juju! How’s my little sis?”

“Better now that I hear your voice. I miss you. We all miss ya down here.” Her usual perky, bubbly voice is mellow and soft.

“I miss y’all too. With all my heart.”

“I haven’t heard from you in so long. Tommy tells me you met a girl.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “That you’ve fallen hard. You said that would never happen again after Campbell.”

“This is nothin’ like what I had with Campbell. This is better. She’s... amazing.” I say. “You’d love her, Ju, so would Momma. She’s sweet, gorgeous, and smart.”

“I’d love to meet her.” She sighs. There’s an extended pause before she speaks again. “When are you gonna come visit? I need to see my big brother. Momma needs you too, more than ever.”

“Soon, I promise,” I reply, thinking very soon. “So, how are you and Tommy doing? He treatin’ you good or am I gonna have to come down there and straighten him out?” I laugh, thankful that my best friend is taking care of my momma and her.

“Tommy’s Tommy. But he’s
my
Tommy.” She laughs. “Did you guys have fun when he came out to visit?”

“Sure,” I reply, not wanting to remember the bigger hole I dug for myself on my last gambling bender.

“You better have since you took him away from me for a whole week.”

“Sorry about that. I hope you didn’t take it out on Tommy. That was all my fault.” I chuckle.

“You’re not in any trouble are ya? I know how you guys like to play with the high rollers.” Her voice takes on a motherly tone and I laugh.

Damn, my little sis doesn’t miss a thing.

“Nah, just came out to check out what’s up North. Nothing crazy.”

“If you say so.” She teases.

Tommy has always been good to my sister. He was my college roommate, and we hit it off from day one. We had some wild times together on campus, but once he laid eyes on my sister, his womanizing days were finished. That was around the same time I met Campbell, but we didn’t last like I thought we would. It started to go downhill once Momma got the cancer diagnosis. Campbell couldn’t be there for me like she should have, and besides, my momma needed me more than ever. I just couldn’t add in the stress of a difficult relationship.