Breathe (5 page)

I knew that was too easy. Was I busted, or was it going to be just a lecture?

Lily spoke up. “Well, Mom, he is the football captain, and he caught Jas when she fainted. I don’t think he’s a murderer.” I smiled at her but cringed inside. I glanced quickly at my mom. Her expression gave nothing away. This is probably not information I would have shared with my mom, but if it improved my case, I guess it didn’t matter. I knew Lily was just trying to help.

Lily and I cleared the table, Caedan took out the trash, and we all did the dishes together. Lily regaled us with the story of the bully who flung her backpack and broke her phone. Apparently, before Caedan could even get to him to defend her, Lily had given him a lecture about bullies. How he would grow up to have no friends, no money, and no life if he didn’t apologize right now. She had him eating out of the palm of her hand by the end. He apologized, and by the end of the day wrote her a note to tell her how much he liked her.

We laughed, and I realized that Lily had inherited Daisy’s charm and sparkling personality, but that the last two years had made it so hard to see because she now lived in fear and worry of what a monster had brought into our lives. And there he was, the ugly specter, back with a vengeance. Even in these happy family moments, he was there, waiting to ruin them.

As we were finishing up my mom asked, “Are you feeling okay, Jas?”

“I’m just a little tired. It’s been a long week.” I gave her my best smile to try to cover how I was really feeling.

Those flowers had crept into my mind. Who would have put them in my locker? He couldn’t possibly be here. We took great pains to leave very little notice of where or when we were going. Did someone here know who we were? Could someone have recognized us and put two and two together? I had that squirmy feeling in my stomach. When I thought about those flowers falling out, I couldn’t remember seeing if they fell out of my locker or my bag. I was trying to think if I left my bag sitting anywhere. At lunch it had sat on the table with the pile of other girls’ stuff. A lot of people came and went from the table during our lunch break. Anyone could have shoved them in there. I hadn’t even looked in my bag after lunch. I just shoved it in my locker and went to my two afternoon classes.

When we had finished the dishes, my mother told the twins to go to their rooms and finish their homework, that she would be up shortly.

“Jas, let’s go out on the porch,” my mom suggested. No room for argument there. As we stepped outside, the night felt so humid that the air hung on us like we were wearing it. The rain had come and gone and left even more moisture behind, if that was possible. I would definitely need a shower before bed. “Honey, I want you to tell me why you got a ride home from that boy.”

That boy. Uh-oh.

“Well, I stayed to ask my calculus teacher about a project we are doing. By the time I got out, I had missed the bus.
Easton
offered me a ride home.” I thought by giving him a name she might relax a little.

“You obviously couldn’t know him well enough to make a character judgment when you’ve only been at the school for four days.” My mom narrowed her eyes. “And exactly when did you faint so that he caught you?”

This was not really going as I had hoped. Caedan was going to pay. “When we went to Wal-Mart.”

“That long ago, and you didn’t feel it was important to let me know?”

“Mom, seriously, you were already in such a bad mood. I was fine! His brother came up behind me in the parking lot—”

“What? What kind of creep does that?”

“No, I dropped your list, and he was trying to give it back to me, but I didn’t see him and it was dark. I got startled. All of a sudden everything just went black, and I guess Easton caught me, just before I hit the ground.” My mom looked at me with suspicion. “Really. They were just trying to help. The girls at school say they come from a nice family, and the brother is really sweet. Like a puppy.” I smiled remembering the comparison Easton had made about his brother.

“Does this boy like you?”

“Mom, it’s not like that.” I rolled my eyes. “It was pouring. He saw that I needed a ride. Please don’t freak out!”

“I don’t think showing concern for you is freaking out. I believe I have earned the right to be cautious, and I think you should do the same.” My mom gave me the laser stare.

“I am cautious. I asked about them after the Wal-Mart thing. Everyone said they’re nice. If they were creepers, someone would have said, and I never would have gotten in the car. If you would have rather I walked home in the pouring rain, I’ll do that next time!”

“Okay, okay, don’t go all crazy teenager on me. I know you’re a smart girl. You need to tell me when you faint. We need to communicate about your life. Please don’t just shut me out of everything because you think I’ll get mad. I know it’s been difficult for you, and I promise to attempt to listen without getting angry. We have to stick together, especially now.”

Well, at least she was trying to be rational.

“I want to say thank you for taking such good care of the twins this week. I know it’s been a little crazy, getting used to the new routine. I know I don’t always say it, but you’ve been a huge help.” She reached over and hugged me.

“Thanks.” I felt my eyes start to water and blinked the tears back. I really wanted to tell her everything—the real reason I fainted, the phone call, the flowers. But she was smiling and hugging me, and I didn’t want to ruin the moment. What if this was another one of those sick people just trying to get a reaction? It would upset and scare her. It was probably nothing. “It’s all right, Mom. I want to help.” I smiled at her.

We went back inside, and I worked on my homework. I then realized I hadn’t asked her about the pep rally tomorrow. I knocked on her bedroom door, softly, in case she was already asleep.

“Come in.” She was sitting up in bed reading with Lily curled up next to her and asleep. “Hey, Mom, tomorrow afternoon is the pep rally, and the football game is tomorrow night. Some of the girls in my class asked me to go with them—is it okay? They’re making me a shirt and everything tonight.” My mom had that look like she really wanted to say no. “Both things are at school, and we’re going to Julia’s house for dinner after the rally and then straight to the game. Julia can bring me home if you need the car.”

She sighed. “Who are these girls?”

We were moving in the right direction.

“They’re all juniors like me. We sit together at lunch every day. Julia’s dad is a doctor, and her mom has her own clothing store downtown. She said her mom will be home, and she’s going to the game too. I guess the whole town goes. Maybe you should come and bring the twins?” I figured if I invited her, she wouldn’t think I was trying to hide anything.

“Have you told them who you are?”

I stared at her for a second. “Uh, no. I was thinking I would try not to. At least not right away.”

“Jasmine, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t do anything wrong. What if they find out on their own? They might be upset you didn’t tell them.”

I sighed and looked down. “I just don’t want them to look at me the way everyone at home did. For the first time in forever, people don’t feel sorry for me. They just want to be my friend.”

“It’s your call. Please text me Julia’s home number when you get to her house after school, and I want a text when you leave for the game. The twins and I will probably come. Can you introduce me to her mom while we’re there? I think it is time to start getting to know the people in town.”

“Sure, Mom. Thanks.”

I walked back down the hall and into my room. I picked up the picture off my nightstand of Daisy and me. We were hugging and laughing. It had been taken during an almost perfect day at the beach the summer right before her murder. I missed her so much it was hard to breathe. What would she say to me right now? I always asked her what she thought. She was the best big sister. She always said I overthought everything. She was probably right, but in this instance there was a lot to think about.

Did I want my mom to go back to being in touch with everything that went on in my life? Before Daisy’s murder, she was very involved at school, knew all my friends’ parents, and I could never get away with anything. Even though it was a pretty big town, everybody knew everybody. If your parents were involved and helped at school events at all, someone would tell them what was going on with you. If you were doing something wrong, they were happy to rat you out. I think that’s the hardest thing for my mom to get over. She’d been a single parent since my dad left when the twins were five. She was a capable and strong woman. She didn’t ever do stuff for herself. Her children were her number-one priority. She was at all our important events. I don’t know how she did it, but she never missed a game or something important at school. She drove car pools and baked cookies for the bake sale, all while she worked full time as an RN. She communicated with us, our friends, and their parents. She knew what was going on. She was not out of touch. She did everything she could do. And the worst had still happened.

At first, Daisy was just missing. The whole community launched a search. It was all over the news, all over the country. Flyers, meetings, search and rescue—all of the stuff you see on the news when a child goes missing. For weeks we searched and found nothing. I don’t remember much about that time except that I have never been that scared before or since.

My mom is an expert at hiding how she feels. I know she was terrified that we wouldn’t find Daisy in time, but you never would have known by watching her. She seemed in control and confident. I asked her once while it was happening how she stayed so calm.

“It doesn’t do anyone any good to panic, Jas. Get the job done, panic later. We need to find her. Freaking out is not going to do that.”

For three weeks the search went on. I heard her crying every night in her room. Each morning, though, she was out pounding the pavement and doing everything she could to find my sister.

The day they found her body, the police came to get my mom and brought her to the site. She left us at home with family friends. When she came back that day, it was like someone had sucked out her soul. The body of my mother was there, but there was no one behind her eyes. Her worst fears had come true, and she was only a shadow of the person she had been before.

She explained to us that Daisy had been murdered. They found her body in the LA Wash, shoved into a trash bag. Someone had been looking for recyclables and had found her. She hadn’t told me that—I heard it on the news. It made me sick to think about someone treating my sister like trash. She was beautiful and amazing. How dare someone do that to her? Who would do something so horrible? Whoever he was, he deserved to pay for what he did. Someone needed to find him and punish him for his crime. When they found her, I wasn’t scared. I was infuriated and filled with a sadness that made my heart feel like it weighed a million pounds. We had a memorial service. It was standing room only. After, we all waited for them to find her murderer. To get what they all called closure. But they never even got close. The police were unable to get anywhere. They went through everything we owned. Questioned us all endlessly, and still no leads.

They knew that, whoever he was, he had stalked her. There was evidence of stuff he had done. Notes, flowers, e-mails, and phone calls. She hadn’t told anyone. Not even me. I think maybe she thought it was a secret admirer at first or just some guy at school. That’s how he made it seem. Then, one day, she was just gone.

From that point on, our basic needs were met, but anything above and beyond school and meals was too much. My mother went into her shell unable to handle more than the most basic of routines. I had to help out a lot. We went to school and came straight home. No sports, no afterschool activities for any of us. It sounded bad, but in all honesty, none of us were up for anything anyway. My mother and sister were upset and emotional. Caedan and I? We came out the other side angry. I had a lot of fear too, but the anger was bigger. Or so the therapist said. The last couple of months had been an improvement. Once we had decided to move, the change began. We were starting to move on.

I needed to stop thinking about the past today. I needed to unwind. I went into my bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as I could stand it. I stepped in and breathed deep. I had loved my sister so much. She was so full of life. It was hard for me to believe even now that she was gone.

By the time I got out of the shower I was relaxed enough to force myself out of being sad and focus on getting back into normal things, like my Friday night plans. I convinced myself the flowers were some weird way of someone at school welcoming me. They couldn’t know about Daisy. I was a long way from Los Angeles. The phone call could have been anyone. I needed to control my imagination and only worry about things like calculus and boys with beautiful violet eyes. And getting back at Caedan…

Friday started out slow, but picked up speed quickly. All my classes seemed to drag until lunch, and then, in a blink, it was time for the pep rally. Mandy, Raquel, Julia, and I met in the girls’ bathroom in the gym to change into our rally shirts. Mine and Julia’s just read “Go Lions!” for which I was immensely grateful. I had been worried that they would just pick a number for me.

Julia smiled and winked when she handed me my shirt. “I did ours myself, just in case they got overly enthusiastic.”