Breathless (5 page)

“It’s time for your lunch break,” a male voice said to me.

It was my supervisor; he had been trying to flirt with me since the day I started working there. He was cute but too old and lame for me, a college student that spent his spare time scamming on the high school girls. He had on a pair of plaid shorts with a matching shirt and sweater draped over his shoulders – he looked like a total loser. A small chuckle escaped my lips, but I cut it off before it got too carried away.

“Sure thing, see ya later,” I told him, and turned to head to the food court.

As I walked away, something made me turn back and I saw you approaching him. You grabbed his arm and pulled him close to you. I couldn’t see your face, but the look of terror on his told me you were angry. His eyes quickly flashed to me and then back to you while he nodded his head. You released him and turned back toward me; I jumped behind a group of little kid mannequins, ducking so you couldn’t see me. You passed right by me as your feet fell swiftly, like you were in pursuit of someone. My supervisor barely talked to me again after that day, I never knew what you said, but now I can guess.

My consciousness was pulled quickly from my hazy memories. The sound of crying lingered and I slowly became aware of sweaty skin stuck to mine.

“No, Momma, no,” screeched through the air, so frantic, so broken was the voice that my eyes flew open and I felt my heart rattle against the inside of its confines.

Left and right, my eyes searched trying to figure out where I was. I was back in the white room, the room that I thought would never let me go. A heavy weight pushed on my body, cementing me in my place.

“I’m a good boy, Momma!” You screamed in my ear with the tone of a scared child.

My head twisted as far to the right as I could and saw your face pressed against my shoulder, your hands secured around my neck. I didn’t remember how I’d gotten back to this room or why your body was so close to mine. Your whole body shook and the entire bed trembled with you. I tried to move but realized your legs were twisted and locked with mine.

“Cage?” I asked cautiously yet forcefully, as my anxiety mounted.

A high-pitched whine resonated from your chest, growing and growing until it finally escaped through your gritted teeth. I’d never been claustrophobic until that very moment but my world seemed to be shrinking and squeezing every ounce of me dry. Your hands clenched and unclenched around my neck, but each time they grew tighter and more forceful. Tighten, loosen, tighten, loosen, one, two, three, tighten, loosen – my mind counted out the sequence until I found the pattern commingled with the strength of your scream in my ear. When I finally sensed my chance, I pushed away from you as swiftly as I could. My entire body rolled from your grasp and landed with a smack on the dirt floor.

My eyes immediately moved to the edge of the bed where I’d expected to see your face … but I never did. All I saw was the stark white of all that surrounded me and heard your labored breath. I didn’t dare move a muscle and was almost afraid to breathe, I wanted nothing to startle you awake for fear of what you’d do to me. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and wherever you were inside your dream was not anywhere I’d ever want to be taken.

I didn’t know how long I’d lain there, silent and waiting. My mind wandered to things that were unimportant, coping with my state. But at that moment, the thought of how I could decorate the room to get rid of some of the white was the least of my worries yet the only thing my mind would focus on.

Your breathing finally leveled and I could tell the worst of your dream had passed. An inner battle played within my mind, withdraw from my hidden state and risk getting caught or stay safe within my false sense of security. I knew you’d wake eventually so I chose to take advantage of the time I had.

I sat up slowly, making sure there wasn’t even the smallest sound produced from my movements. You’d put a different shirt on me, it was exactly like the last shirt except clean and it smelled like you. For the first time since I’d been there, I had on panties and cotton pants. Both white, which actually made the corner of my mouth curve in a mix of disgust and humor. I’d thought the act of being clothed would make me feel human again, but I was sad to discover it made no difference at all – I was still a caged animal.

My eyes moved their focus from the rounded edge of the bed to your body. You were turned away from me but by the rhythmic motion of your back I could tell you were still asleep. Your limbs were awkwardly lying flat with your head in an uncomfortable angle. Slowly I stood, with my eyes glued to your figure waiting for you to wake and scream BOO. But you never did.

My feet shuffled around the end of the bed and I could see your eyes closed and your face in a peaceful state. I paused and watched you sleep. The whole time I wondered what had happened to make you the man you were. A man that would rip me away from all I knew and lock me in solitude. Nothing about you looked unordinary, especially when you slept. I still saw the man that made my heart race with a simple look but the other man – the one I was scared of – had started to show through stronger to my eyes.

My mind had returned to the thought of escape, to seeing my parents again. I turned to the door that I knew led to a hallway and hopefully my freedom. My hand trembled as it touched the cool metal doorknob, and as I slowly turned it, my eyes stayed on you watching for any sign of consciousness. Your only movement was the continued rise and fall of your chest. My grip grew tighter as I swiftly pulled on it. Every inch of my face squinted tightly, anticipating a squeak or moan as the door opened, but there was nothing. The door hadn’t budged. I looked from you to the door, wrapping both hands around and pulled with all my strength but met only resistance. Dammit, you’d locked it. A silent scream echoed through my head. I was so disappointed that if I’d had the energy, I would have tried to knock the door down.

Instead, I shuffled back to the warm stove and settled between it and the pile of wood. I was in the perfect spot, far enough away from you yet I could still see you clearly. I moved a bucket of old, burnt wood in front of me to block your view. I knew I wasn’t truly hiding, but being surrounded by something other than you had made me feel protected.

I stuck my hand inside the bucket, the old wood had still been warm to my touch. When I swiped my hand across the burnt wood, it marked my skin with black. I completely forgot about you and my mind cleared as it focused on the black markings. After my hand was almost completely covered, I turned and slammed it flat against the white wall. I listened as my palm connected with the hard wall and made a thud sound. Thoughts of the sound waking you never entered my mind as it remained steadfast on smearing the blackness across the white walls – fingers danced across the surface leaving a dull black in their wake.

Escape to nothingness

“What are you doing?” I heard you ask, breaking me from my single-minded concentration of destroying the white wall.

I turned to look at you and for the first time I saw a hint of laughter in your eyes. It confused and excited me, but mostly confused.

“I’m … ummm,” I stammered, because I didn’t have an answer.

My inability to commit to an answer made the edges of your mouth turn up even more, you seemed happy. Which I didn’t understand after what I’d just seen.

“Are you feeling better?” you asked hopeful, “after you bathed?”

“Sure?” I answered, but it sounded more like a question than an actual declaration.

Honestly, I didn’t know how I felt. Scared, relieved, confused, hungry, restless, tired. I had been a jumble of conflicting emotions with none seeming to be a true description of myself.

“Come, sit. We need to talk.” You patted the bed next to you and I felt my eyes grow wide in shock.

“No,” I grunted out.

“Okay, stay hidden in the corner if that makes you feel better. But that’s what I want to discuss, you don’t need to be scared of me. I’d never hurt you, Annabel.”

That name, there it had been again. I was actually hoping I’d dreamt the word. It was a perfectly pleasant name, it just wasn’t mine and I didn’t want you calling me by it.

“That’s not my name.”

“It is now,” you said through gritted teeth.

You didn’t like when I defied you, that had been becoming clear. Even my small, insignificant stances had made your anger show through clearly.

“You are here now and you can either make the best of it and try to get along with me, or I can continue to show you how much I care for you until you understand it. But I’d much rather us get along instead of fight.”

I heard a small snicker escape my lips, you actually thought you were showing me love. If I’d learned nothing else, it was that I didn’t understand you as much as you didn’t understand love.

“Where is here?” I asked.

“Get up from your hiding place and we’ll talk like civilized humans.”

I slowly scooted from between the woodpile and the stove and immediately felt the cold assault my skin. The warmth from the stove had created an invisible barrier that was keeping the frigidness at bay. Slowly I stood, trying to lean more on my non-injured foot and shuffled to the bed. Even with such a small amount of pressure on my wound, I had still grimaced with each movement.

You watched me carefully, taking in my every motion and ounce of pain on my face. I couldn’t hold your gaze, your eyes they were too intense – too blue. They showed your concern for my pain and I had hated seeing it.

“Where am I?” I asked again once I sat next to you, careful to make sure we hadn’t been touching.

“You’re right here,” you said, and poked me in the arm with your index finger.

My body swayed away from your touch and I saw a flash of anger in your eyes at my reaction.

“Where is here?”

“Home.” You didn’t hesitate with that answer, it immediately flew from your lips. “I like this,” you said, gesturing to where I’d tarnished the walls with soot. “You’re making this your home.”

“That’s not what I’m doing, I’m just trying to cover some of the starkness.” I shook my head. “Everything is so bright.”

You laughed – a real, deep laugh that resonated from your core.

“It is, isn’t it? Well if you don’t like the walls, you definitely won’t like what’s outside. Not right now anyway, but eventually you will.”

“Why, what’s outside?” I asked, my interest at seeing the outside world had been peaked.

“Do you want to see?” You raised an eyebrow tauntingly.

“Yes,” I almost shouted at you.

You nodded. “I’ll show you outside if you promise to give me something in return.” I flinched away from you again, but this time I didn’t have to wait for the anger in your eyes. You grabbed my arm, clamping your cold hand tightly around it and jerking me toward you. “This. This right here stops now. I will not hurt you as long as you treat me right; you show me love and warmth and you will get that in return. But you show me coldness and you will get that once again. Do we understand each other?”

“Yes.” My voice squeaked and you released me.

“Good. Now do you have any other questions before I show you outside?”

I paused, afraid that if I spoke, my words would be wrong and you would lock me away again.

“You can ask me anything, sweet Annabel, absolutely anything.”

You ran the back of your hand down my arm where you’d been squeezing. I saw your eyes as they watched me intently, looking for a small sign of my displeasure. But I didn’t give it to you, I let my mind escape your touch, picturing an ax chopping my arm off so my nerve endings never had to feel the cold caress of your flesh against mine.

“Where are we?”

“We’re nowhere but we’re together, all alone together. Just like it should be.”

“So I’m free to ask you anything, but you don’t have to actually answer anything I ask?” I questioned bitterly, but with a smile plastered across my face hoping to ease the blow of my words.

“There’s my Annabel, I knew you couldn’t stay hidden away, scared, in there for long.” You lovingly stroked my arm again and I imagined that it wasn’t my arm that you were touching, but someone else. “Go on, ask me something and I promise to answer you straight.”

“Whose house is this?”

“Mine,” you said plainly. “Hasn’t always been but now it will always be. I guess I don’t really want to be anywhere else – just home, this is my home but so are you. We are home to each other, you’ll see.”

Standing from the bed, you held your hand out to me and I took it and imagined that your fingers were interlaced with someone else’s fingers – not mine.

“We’ll go to the back porch, you can’t go all the way outside yet. You haven’t earned that yet.”

You led me down the same hall as before and into the living room I’d longed to see. It was a simple room, nothing on the walls or sitting around – nothing to personalize or give me hints about you. There had been a small kitchen off to one side, but the only light came from a fireplace so I couldn’t make out much of anything.

We turned away from the kitchen, and walked through large double doors. The cold hit me instantly, much colder than inside the house. It almost took my breath away as it assaulted my skin and weaved through my clothes.

“It’s night, so you won’t be able to see much.”

I blinked rapidly trying to get my eyes to adjust. All I could see was never ending blackness in the distance, my vision searched for lights that would indicate a town but there was nothing. Then I saw the white, miles and miles of snow stretched out in front of me.

“I knew you wouldn’t like the snow, it’s even whiter, right?” you said with a hint of humor in your voice.

“I didn’t expect snow, where are we?” My words sounded like a whisper that blew away on the flutters of the wind.

“In time you’ll find out, in time.”

“How far from home did you take me?” I asked, stunned at the thought of how many miles I had travelled with him to get to this place. No changes in my body – the unnoticeable growth of my fingernails in comparison to the fingernail polish I’d put on the day before you stole me away, absolutely no changes in my hair or weight – told me that I hadn’t been here that long. So it wasn’t the time that had changed the sun to snow, it was this place that had stolen the warmth and replaced it with cold.