Breene, K F - Jessica Brodie Diaries 01 (22 page)

His face lit in surprise at the
realization I tricked him. He grabbed his chest, shocked I would take advantage
of him. He started rubbing his nipple as the pain registered.

“Why, you little...” He came after
me this time with no reservations. He couldn’t very well give me a
titty-twister, though it had happened before, and I doubt he would punch me,
but he was going to do something awful, I could tell.

He grabbed a hold of me and reeled
me in, holding me firm against his body so I couldn’t get away. Giggling
profusely, I tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but he had me with solid arms.
He reached secured me with one solid arm, then pulled the other away. A second
later a wet finger entered my ear.

“Eeeewwwwwwww!” I yelled, wiggling
harder, laughing uncontrollably.

I was slipping sideways, knowing he
wouldn’t let me fall. He used his other hand to right me, and stepped away
quickly. I straightened up, made sure I was still in my dress, and looked for
him.

He was two paces away and holding
up his hands in surrender. I tossed my hair, still laughing. My stomach hurt from
laughing so hard.

“Okay, okay. I give,” I said. “You
got me.”

Adam’s smile stretched from one ear
to the other. He looked like a little boy that just played a trick.

Ty and Candace showed up with beers
as Adam put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to him. I noticed that
his body was as hard as William’s. That thought made me excited, but not for
Adam. Directly after it made me sad.

“Crazy Californian girls!” Adam
said to Ty, who handed me a beer.

They tried to get me to sit down,
but my dress was uncomfortable to stand in—I didn’t have much hope for sitting.
I also didn’t know if it would stay in one piece; the fabric might split down
the side. That would be a titch awkward.

Three beers in and I needed to use
the ladies room. In this dress. Oh, this should be fun.

“Wait, Jess, I’ll go, too!” Candace
yelled, shimmying out of the booth.

I waited, feeling alive again.
Happy. I’d forgotten how much fun these guys were. I forgot how much fun going
out with anyone my own age was.

After toilets, Candace and I were
at the bar, waiting for our drinks, when she put her hand on my arm.

“Don’t turn around,” she whispered
violently.

I stayed stock still, but still
looked natural. The classic blunder was to immediately turn and gawk. I knew
better.

Candace pressed closer, putting up
a female defense.

“What’s going on?” I asked as
quietly as I could, still looking at the bartender.

“Hey girls,” Ty said with forced
calm as he leaned next to me.

I chanced a look at him. “Ty. Nice
to see you. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I was going to be helpful and
carry some beers. I was also going to order one more.”

“Oh?”

“For Willie,” Candace whispered so
low I barely heard.

My belly rolled. It was like in a
cartoon when the dog swallows a stick of dy***ite and his stomach goes down
really low, then up really high, then explodes. I was that dog.

“Candace,” I said hoarsely, “I have
to get out of here.”

“How?” she whispered back.

“You girls don’t have to whisper.
He is back with Moose and Adam.”

I turned and grabbed Candace, willing
her to give me strength. I was a breath away from continuing my meltdown from
the car ride over. I felt Ty’s hand rubbing my back, and realized that
somewhere along the way, I had made it obvious I didn’t want to see William
again. Everyone knew I had been rejected.

I was unwanted goods, but I didn’t
have to act the victim. I could choose how they would remember me after I left.
And I wouldn’t choose the coward’s way out. I would not sneak away.

Until I had a damn good excuse to
leave, at least.

Candace and I let Ty walk ahead of
us.

“Okay,” she said conspiratorially,
“I don’t know what happened between y’all, but you look really good tonight.
So, I’ll go in front of you so he can’t see you until the last minute. Then
I’ll just step away and he can see you all at once.”

“Candace, just...let’s walk
together. Tell me a funny story and keep me entertained so I don’t have to
notice him until the last minute, okay?”

“Oh, okay. Got it.” She looked
toward the sky, shuffling through the stories in her head. “Did I ever tell you
about when Juniper was trying to get the stuck cookie from the vending
machine?”

“No.” I was already smiling.

“Well,” we started walking, “she
put in for the chocolate chip cookie, right? The thing stuck—I mean, they always
do. Everyone knows that! But she got all pissed off—”

“Excuse me, ma’am?”

A man about my age and fairly
attractive was trying to get my attention. Perfect timing.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I just noticed you at the bar,
there. You with anyone?”

“Candace, I’ll meet up with you,” I
said as I turned toward the almost handsome stranger.

“Okay,” Candace said with a smirk
as she walked off.

“I’m Phillip.” He stuck out his
hand.

“Hi. Jessica.” I shook his hand. It
was soft and thin. He probably worked on computers or something. I hated that
that bothered me.

We chatted long enough for me to
find out that he was about as interesting as a children’s book about worms. I
kept at it for a another few minutes, though, just to keep up appearance. Plus,
it felt good, being wanted.

I wrapped up my chat, avoided the
number exchange, and headed to our corner with a hop in my step, feeling
indestructible.Which was me lying to myself. I hoped it was working for the
sake of my facial expression.

As I walked between two guys, both turning
to check me out, I saw him. He was wearing the same thing as the hospital. God,
he was so beautiful when he smiled like that.

An inexplicable sadness shadowed
me. I forgot to be looking elsewhere when I came into view. I couldn’t help but
admire his perfect form, his carefree stance, his engaging blue eyes as he
noticed me.

His eyes didn’t look over my body
like the other guys or even Candace had. He didn’t notice the dress and how
good I looked in it. Not even my br**sts, trying to break free, caught his
notice. He looked at me with a faltering smile, closing the distance with the
intensity of his eyes, before turning back to Adam.

I wilted. I wanted to shrivel where
I stood and die. I felt hollow. I felt like I wasn’t enough. Not even looking
sensational got me a longer glance. And it was just that. A glance. A skim of
the eyes.

Adam looked at me next, his mild
eyes taking in my pain without shock. I smiled, trying to hide my misery,
trying not to reduce to tears. His face didn’t change, though. Somewhere along
the way, Adam learned to recognize my distress.

Not that it was a big mystery where
he found the knack.

I got to the table and leant over
to tell Candace and Ty I would be leaving. Before I could get the words out,
Candace’s gaze switched to over my shoulder. Her supportive gaze turned to a
glare.

I straightened up and turned around
rigidly.

“Hi Jessica,” William said
stoically.

“Hi William,” I mocked, sounding
slightly like a robot.

“I wondered...” he started quietly.
His expressionless mask cracked a fraction and I thought I could see a glimpse
of softness that lay beyond. Or maybe I was hoping again.

He glanced over my shoulder and his
face hardened again. “It’s good to see you,” he said, obviously taking the
polite route. “It’s been a long time. You look beautiful tonight, by the way.
Would you like a drink? They have champagne.”

I nodded confusedly, though my beer
was on the table. I had expected harsh words, based on his facial expression. I
didn’t expect the gentleness. The soft hush.

I discontentedly slid into the
booth, having just stupidly agreed to stay a moment longer.

I looked across the table at Ty and
Candace, who were looking back with something akin to pity. This had turned
into a shit show. I felt like I was in an animal petting zoo, but without the
children to make it seem fun, instead of sad and cramped.

“Jess,” Ty said, “I’m sure things
would be different if he didn’t have so much going on.”

Candace nodded adamantly as if to
say, Yeah, it’s him, not you.

I hoped this was what emotional
rock bottom felt like, or else it was going to be an incredible splat when I
finally reached the end.

Adam slid into the booth on my left
side, then Moose. William slid in on the opposite side, making Candace and I
squish to the center next to each other. They were boxing me in.

Emotional torture, compliments of
William. Physical torture, compliments of my dress. Winning pair.

William passed the glass of bubbles
across the table, eyes focused on mine as if it was just the two of us on a
romantic date. My stomach knotted.

“Thanks," I muttered, looking
away as quickly as was polite, as two things happened.

One, Moose asked, “So what have you
been doin’, Jessica? We not good enough?”

The second was Adam leaning into me
for brotherly support. The connect gave me enough confidence to launch into
what I had been up to, sprucing up the dull parts, which were most, and leaving
out some bits, like the depression and the dating of idiots.

Everyone made comments throughout
except William, who watched me silently. Something seemed to be eating away at
him. I suspected it was me not falling all over him like normal—pulling away as
best I could. Well-liked guys were like that; they didn’t want you until you
moved on, then they had to have you. I’d been fooled by that a few times. As a
poster child for all the women who were fooled by ass**les, I was finally
learning my lesson! Trying, anyway.

The conversation switched to
everyone else catching me up on what they had been up to as if I was an old
friend just back from vacation. Even William shared. He was finding people to
take his bulls around the rodeo circuits—they were headed to the big time after
continually showing well. He was introducing new blood lines into his breeding,
securing new bulls for that. He was taking over more of the family business. On
and on.

After the table talked about bulls
and riding them, in which Candace and I took a reprieve and talked about where
I bought my dress, William directed the conversation back to me.

"So," he started,
reaching directly into my soul with his blue eyes, "Gladis seems to be
doing well. It surprised my mother how fond she is of you."

Was that a back handed compliment?
Judges’ ruling... Annnnnnnd yes, yes it was.

"It surprised her? That I’m
likable?" I was aiming for light and funny. It came across scorned and
slightly bitter. Oops.

Adam leaned against me again. Moose
looked like he wanted to wrap me up in a bear hug.

William's damn blank face. He
looked back at me with the expression you might get from a whitewashed wall. I
had an uncontrollable desire to cover that face with my drink.

"It surprised her, yes,"
he said after looking at me for a tense moment. "Since Gladis's husband
died, she has been somewhat...recluse. Bitter. Her kids don't visit her much,
being that they aren’t biological, of course, and she doesn't see many people
anymore. You seem to have put the spark back into her. She couldn't stop
talking about how great you were. Are. She seems to be your number one fan. Or
one of ‘em, anyway."

"I don't know that I have all
that many fans in this neck of the country," I said, elbowing Adam to get
more space. I smiled devilishly as he flinched.

"Simply not true."

By the time I looked back at
William in surprise, he had directed the conversation to Ty and the latest
rodeo. Candace was looking at me funny so I checked my boobs to make sure they
were in place. They were where I left them, which was halfway to my neck.

I looked out across the bar,
noticing people and checking out men. There wasn't much talent, so I wasn't too
worried about being stuck with a bunch of guys that were off-limits. However,
there were a couple that I kept going back to. Their faces were a train wreck,
but their bodies were pretty good.

Cue flashback to LA with the nice
bodied small man with stank sheets. I shivered.

If it hadn't been so long since I
sexually sinned, I wouldn't even consider it. But I was sitting with a bunch of
really hot men, I hadn't touched a man in months, and I was basically foaming
at the mouth. Should shopping come to buying, one of those guys would do the
trick.

"See anything you like?"

It took me a second to realize that
the comment, lower and amongst other voices, was directed at me.

"I don't... I wasn't...
what?" I stammered.

Nice cover, idiot.

William analyzed me like he might a
spreadsheet before he asked, "How come you haven't found anyone yet? Is
there no one you have your eye on?"

I was not expecting the personal
touch from William Davies. I've made a lot of mistakes with men, I've learned a
lot of lessons, I've even managed a good decision now and again, but of all I
might be anticipating from the guy keeping me at an arm's length, it wasn't a
background check on my romantic interests.

I answered like most single girls
would when cornered with that question: "Uhhhh...."

I shifted my gaze to Candace for
help, and thankfully she was looking at me.

Wait—so was everyone else! They
were all politely waiting for my answer.

This just got awkward.

"Oh, well. I haven't really,
uh, been looking, I guess."

"Just browsing..."
William said jokingly as he pointedly looked out over the bar.

That irritated me. Fuck you, man. I
wouldn't have to browse if you weren't such an ass. Well, and you liked me
back.

I decided not to let it get to me.
I smirked. "I always have time to look over the talent."

"Talent?" Moose asked.

"Talent, yes. Like if
appearance was a talent. I am assessing the various talent."

Five sets of eyes turned toward the
patrons in the bar.

"See any?" William asked,
the first to look back.

"Are you serious?"

Adam thought this whole situation
was extremely funny for some reason. He was trying to suppress his chuckles,
but I could feel his big body shaking in silent mirth. I had a feeling I had
just been caught with my hand in the cookie jar, but confused as to why that
was bad.

William nodded, glancing at Adam
and then back at me. Adam tried to nonchalantly put his hand over his face to
cover his smile. He was as under cover as a Nun in a strip club.

I looked at William like he was
growing a third eye, then looked out over the bar again. If he wanted to talk
to me like he was my girlfriend, he was going to get a conversation I would
only tell the girls. Including "womanizing" comments men probably
didn't think women made.

"Okay, if you must know, and I
will not be sparing you my bluntness, there are two butter faces that would
serve for a night. If they had high pitched voices or smelt bad or something,
it would eliminate them from the competition, but I wouldn't mind seeing ‘em
na**d in an extreme situation." Felt weird actually saying that out loud
to a bunch of dudes.

"Butter face?"
"Competition?" "For a night?" "Extreme
situation?" Each guy got stuck on a different part of what I’d said.
Candace covered her face in shock and looked embarrassed. Her and I had plenty of
these conversations.

I sighed. "Guys, look. You
asked. If you can't keep up, then stop asking. I'll quickly explain, and then
let's change the subject. Oh and, Reverend Davies, before you ask, no, I wasn't
actually planning on a one night stand—especially not with a big boobed fake
woman with whom you've had a past acquaintance."

William's face went red, but to his
credit he didn't flinch or look away. The rest of the boys started hooting and
laughing, pounding at the table and nudging William.

"Butter face—a man's term.
Good body, ugly face. ‘But her face!’ I could have said a brown bagger, which
is a face so ugly it needs to be covered, but butter face sounds better. I’m
sure you guys have said something similar a few times…”

Guilty looks.

I continued. “Competition because
it is a talent show and I am the judge. The na**d comment should be
obvious—seeing a man with a great body na**d is, well, great. Good size is
great, too, but I don’t necessarily need to stare at it. Not attractive, that
little guy. You all are preoccupied with it, we just like to use it and
speculate about it."

The boys stared in mute horror. I
bet they weren’t excited about hearing size did matter after all.

"And the extreme situation I
was talking about is a drought; not being...uh...with a guy for a while. Not
being touched intimately for too long."

That last bit did embarrass me.
Partly because it was part of feminine vulnerability to say you wanted to be
touched, and partly because I was admitting I hadn't been. And frankly, I knew
I was bad at hiding my loneliness.

Everyone was considering something
different, even William, who was contemplative as he looked out over the bar. I
obviously said too much—this awkward pause being the reason you talked only to
women and g*y men about that stuff. Straight men couldn't handle the pressure
of women judging them the same as they judged women.

"Is this a universal
thing?" Ty asked slowly.

I tried not to laugh. "Women
still aren't nearly as bad as men when it comes to acting on it, Ty. And your
woman is better than most, don't worry." Candace looked at me with relief.