BRIDGER (6 page)

The floor became much more interesting as I studied my feet, unable to look at Memaw.
 
The words that had been locked away for years rushed out without thinking them through.
 
“What I know is ever since I was born you regretted it and treated me like a dirty, old sock.
 
You’ve never loved me.
 
You love Chris because he’s a spitting image of Dad.
 
I’m nothing like the McVean name you so proudly cling to like it means something,” I spat, stopping only to inhale and continue the heartless diatribe.
 
“No one cares if we’re McVeans.
 
No one cares if we’re Irish.
 
No one cares about any of that.
 
Do you even remember what I did to that paramedic when he came to take Dad away?
 
Do you not think when school starts back up every person won’t have heard about it?
 
You go out of your way to alienate Jamie as much as you can when you know she’s my best friend.
 
Do you really expect me to think that you care about me at all just because you say you do now?
 
It’s a little late to recover sixteen years of disgust in one conversation.”

Anger was seeping out of every pore.
 
Heading toward the door I stopped, remembering the necklace in my pocket.
 
“One other thing, too.
 
I don’t care how bad you feel about showing your favoritism; I don’t want your stupid necklaces or anything else you want to give me.
 
You can just keep treating me the way you have for the entirety of my life.
 
I’m used to it.”

Pulling out the necklace, I shoved it into the robe she was wearing.
 
She stood perfectly still, eyes wide with shock from my vicious outburst.
 
Tears welled up in her eyes. Pangs of guilt stirred in the pit of my stomach.

Word-vomit.
 
It always got in me trouble.

Biting my bottom lip and exhaling loudly, I shook my head, frustrated.
 
I didn’t want to feel bad for what I had said.
 
Memaw didn’t feel bad saying she preferred Chris, so why should I feel bad telling her she was a lousy grandma?
 
She should have already assumed it from her honest assessment of not being there anyway.
 
I looked around the room, the anger ebbing away.
 
The tirade began to seem petty in the light of everything else.

Stealing a glance at Memaw, I saw she was toying with the necklace.
 
She looked up slowly, incredulity on her face.
 
Holding the necklace up to the light, the sun caused the diamonds to create tiny rainbows, throwing them in all directions across the room.

Memaw’s eyes were fixed on the necklace.
 
She seemed as shocked to see it as I had been to find it this morning. “How did you come across this?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me.
 
It’s your necklace.
 
I’ve seen you wear it in pictures.”
 
The necklace had been in photos from when Memaw was young.
 
She claimed to have lost it ages ago when I asked about it last year before winter formal.
 
I secretly loved that necklace.
 
Hoping she would share it if I brought it up, I’d been denied.

She seemed reluctant to answer.
 
Rather than give an answer to the question I wanted, she brought the conversation back to my emotional outburst.
 
“I didn’t realize how badly I’d hurt you over the years, Ashlyn.
 
I’m so sorry.”

I looked away, closing my eyes to hide the pain I’d felt from the years of wishing she wanted me around.
 
“It doesn’t matter.”

The next thing I knew, Memaw was standing not a foot away.
 
Her open arms begged to be filled.
 
I fell into her, the tears flowing freely.

Memaw was crying as well. “It does, Ashlyn, it really does.
 
I never meant to hurt you, that’s a promise.
 
There’s so much you don’t know, that you don’t understand.
 
I have so much to explain about you, about me.
 
You and I, we’re not…” she trailed off, stiffening suddenly.

“Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” Chris said, rocking awkwardly back on his heels. He backed out of the door quickly.
 
“Mom was just wondering where you two were.”

I looked at Chris apologetically.
 
“Sorry, Chris.
 
We were just talking.”

Chris looked shocked that Memaw was saying more than three words to me.
 
That’s how I felt, at least.
 
“Alright, just don’t be too long.
 
I wanna open gifts.
 
You better have gotten me something good, Midget.”
 

Closing the door behind him, Memaw and I were alone again.

The interruption was annoying.
 
It seemed like Memaw had been about to explain what was going on, why she had stayed distant.
 
“You were saying something about us.
 
What aren’t we?”

She watched the door, not returning to our previous conversation.
 
“Ashlyn, please be careful with Jamie in Ireland.
 
I’m just not sure of the idea of you two going over by yourselves.”
 

I sighed.
 
I’d lost her.
 
“Memaw, Jamie’s great.
 
She’s a little excitable, sure, but she’s really a great girl.
 
She knows everything about me; we’re like this,” I twisted my fingers around one another, indicating us as two peas in a pod, an indivisible unit.
 

Memaw sighed.
 
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” she said, looking out the window.
 
Reaching inside of her robe, she pulled out the necklace once more.
 
“Ash, would you please promise you’ll keep this safe for me?
 
I think you’ve wanted it for a while, and it’s about time you had it.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.
 
“Are you serious?”

Taking off my shell necklace and replacing it with the delicate pendant, Memaw smiled.
 
“This has some amazing stories behind it, but they’ll have to wait until another time.
 
Its worth is truly invaluable. Please watch over it and don’t lose it. Can we talk again soon?”
 
There it was again: the flag of truce.

Grinning, I took it willingly this time.
 
Memaw seemed to truly want to work on our relationship.
 
“Sure.
 
Do you think you could cut Jamie a little slack in the process?”
 
A favor for a favor.
 
It didn’t seem too much to ask, in light of things.

Locking the clasp in place, Memaw stepped back, admiring the pendant resting at the hollow of my throat.
 
She smiled.
 
“It looks beautiful on you,” she commented, avoiding my request.

Looking down at it, I couldn’t help but smile through the minor frustration.
 
“Thanks, Memaw.”

“I love you, Ashlyn.
 
Please know and trust that.”

I looked up, surprised at the sudden declaration.
 
It sounded nothing but true, although it was impossible to wrap my mind around it.
 
“I love you too, Memaw.”

This Christmas was definitely a new leaf.
 
Walking toward the door and grasping the doorknob, I turned to Memaw.
 
“Are you coming?”

Silent tears were streaming down her face, but she was smiling.
 
“I’ll be right out.
 
Start opening gifts; I won’t be long.”

I started out of the room, but then turned once more.
 
The dream was still on my mind.
 
“Memaw, were your eyes ever black like mine?”

She answered too quickly.
 
“No, why do you ask?”

“It's just…I had a dream.”

She looked at me sideways.
 
“Did you dream about the necklace?”

I nodded.
 
“Yeah.
 
Then it was in the pocket of my shorts this morning.
 
It was kind of a weird coincidence you put it in there.”

It looked like she was fighting with herself about something.
 
She was talking to herself.
 
“So it’s happening. Inconceivable.”

“What’s happening?”

She looked at me once more.
 
“Go be with the family.
 
We’ll talk soon if need be. Let’s keep the necklace between the two of us, alright?”

Nodding, I walked out of the room.
 
Pulling out the collar of my shirt, the cold necklace connected with my skin.
 
I wasn’t sure how the necklace had come into my possession anymore, but Memaw seemed intent to keep it quiet.
 
I decided to honor her and keep it a secret.
 
Maybe this could be the start of lots of secrets we could share with one another.

Memaw reappeared quietly in the midst of the festivities, taking her usual spot on the couch.
 
Christmas wasn’t as cheerful with Dad gone, but we made it work as best possible.
 
Dad’s Christmas gifts were left untouched under the tree. We all tried to avoid the sight.
 
It wasn’t that the day was bad; it was actually really nice, all things considered.
 
We were all being strong for one another.
 
It didn’t diminish the ache in my heart, but it helped to know Dad had to be happy, wherever he was now.

Jamie came over in the afternoon, bringing all of her bags for the trip in the morning.
 
After eating through more food than should be legally allowed, I reclined on the couch.
 
Chris laughed from behind his new Rock Band drum set.
 
“Ash, you eat more than I do.”

“I know, but I keep my girlish figure better than you.”

He got up and curtsied, making Mom laugh.
 
“You know, by just looking at a side of fries, I gain ten pounds.
 
I don’t know how you do it, Ash.”

I shook my head.
 
“Maybe it’s just high metabolism.
 
Memaw still looks good in her old age.”

Memaw’s thin frown made me think I had offended her until she responded.
 
“There might be more than high metabolism behind your ability to eat us out of house and home.”

Jamie looked at her curiously.
 
“What do you mean?”

Memaw just shook her head, struggling to fasten on a smile as she stood up.
 
She avoided the question, making a joke instead.
 
Memaw never answered questions directly.
 
“You come in handy, Ashlyn.
 
You’re a human waste disposal unit.
 
Anyone who can eat Jamie’s cooking and live to tell the tale should get an award.”

We all laughed at Jamie’s pouting face.
 
“I’m not
that
bad.
 
I don’t try to kill people with my cooking.”

Memaw’s face made me think she begged to differ.

* * *

After a few hours of Rock Band, my eyes began to develop a strange moving sensation when looking away from the screen.
 
Stationary objects seemed to be moving.
 
That was the point I declared my resignation from the game, conceding defeat to Chris in one-on-one mode.

Chris jeered, poking me with the end of his guitar. “I knew you’d crack under the pressure.”

Smacking his plastic fret board away, I kicked him in the back of the knee, causing him to lose his balance and almost fall.
 
I laughed, dodging his next attempt to put me in a headlock.
 
“You know, you really do rock.
 
Not just at Rock Band.
 
I’m glad you’re a cool guy.
 
It makes not wanting to kill you so much easier.”