Bright Side (26 page)

She drops her pen and narrows her eyes. “Sleep in the guest room; you’re not sleeping with my son under my roof.” She promptly picks up the pen and scribbles away.

I blink the disbelief away. “Excuse me—”

Keller is staring at his socks. He’s fuming and interrupts without looking at her. “When is Stella supposed to return?”

She waves him off like a fly. He’s an annoyance to her. “I don’t know. Call Melanie.”

He pulls his cell from his pocket at the same time he pulls me by the back of the shirt out into the hall. I shut the door, grateful for the barrier between us and that spiteful, mean woman. As he’s scrolling through his contacts we hear the front door open, followed by a woman’s voice. “Give me your coat, sweetie,” and a little girl’s giggle. Children’s laughter is the purest sound on Earth. I could listen to it all day and it would never get old.

Keller’s smile blossoms into something I’ve never before seen on him. It’s radiant and loving and proud. “Stella’s home. Come on.” He puts his index finger to his lips, asking me to keep quiet as we tiptoe down the hall.

There’s an elegant, blond-haired woman hanging coats in the closet. She looks about Keller’s age. So, this is Stella. I can see the appeal; she’s stunning. The giggling little girl has long, curly, dark red hair. It falls in a mass of wild ringlets down her back. Her arms are spread out to her sides and she’s spinning around in circles until she gets dizzy and falls down. The giggles are amplified as soon as she hits the deck. I don’t know who she is, but I just want to scoop her up and hug her. She’s so happy. I could use some of that right now.

The blond turns around and spots Keller and a smile instantly lights her face. This is Keller’s fairy tale. And I’m happy for him, for them. But, for one selfish moment, I wish it was
my
fairy tale.

Then, in an instant, everything I thought I knew changes.

The little girl looks up at the beautiful woman and realizes she’s looking at something across the room. Her little face turns until she’s looking directly at Keller and the look in her eyes is like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Like there’s nothing on the planet more important and wonderful than him. She scrambles to her feet and squeals, “Daddy!” as she runs to him.

Daddy
?

He kneels down to meet her and hugs her tight. “Hi Stella. I’ve missed you so much, baby girl.”

She pulls back and kisses him on the lips. “I’ve missed you, too, Daddy.”

Holy shit! Keller has a daughter! And she’s adorable.

And curious. She looks up at me with Keller’s blue eyes and waves her tiny hand. “Hi. Who are you?”

I smile at her, wave back, and kneel behind Keller so that I’m face to face with her. “Hi Stella, I’m Kate. I’m your daddy’s friend.”

She pulls back and looks at Keller for confirmation. “You have friends, Daddy?”

He laughs and nods. “I do.”

“Do you have play dates? Like I do with Abby?”

He laughs again. “Not really.”

Her smile fades as she ponders his answer. “That’s too bad, ‘cause play dates are fun.” She squirms out of his arms and walks right up to me. I’m still on my knees. “Want to see my turtle? Her name is Miss Higgins.”

I nod. “Absolutely.”

She takes my hand and pulls me to the room Keller looked in when we first arrived. Keller trails close behind. After meeting Miss Higgins, I meet Melanie, the beautiful blond. She’s Stella’s nanny. She’s quiet and nice, and it’s obvious she adores Stella. I like her immediately.

We endure an uncomfortable dinner with Mrs. Banks. Afterwards, Keller, Stella, and I return to Stella’s room so that she can get ready for bed. I sit in a big comfy chair while they retreat to the en suite bathroom. Keller leaves the door open. I can see and hear them. Keller gives her a bubble bath and helps her into fuzzy, pink pajamas. He coaches and encourages as she brushes her teeth. She’s so proud of herself when he tells her, “Great job, baby girl.” She crawls into her queen
-size bed and pats either side of her indicating we’re supposed to both take a seat.

“What do you want to read tonight, Miss Stella?” Keller asks before he plants a kiss on top of her curly-haired head.

“Hmm.” She’s really giving this some thought. She’s a deep thinker like her dad. “The pony book. But I want Kate to read it, Daddy. Is that okay?” She’s diplomatic and already a peacemaker at three and a half.

“Sure. I want Katie to read it, too.” He winks at me over the top of her head.

I read the pony book. Coincidently it was one of Grace’s favorite books, too. I’ve probably read this book aloud two hundred times. I am the master of horse neighs and hoof clomps, and I can be very dramatic. Stella giggles when I’m done. “You’re silly, Kate.”

“I know.” I tickle her side and she giggles more. “It’s more fun that way.”

Soon enough her eyelids are drooping. They look just like Keller’s when he’s sleepy. She looks at Keller. “Will you play me a song before I go to sleep?”

“Of course.” He kisses her forehead before pushing himself up off the bed. He retrieves an acoustic guitar from a stand in the corner of her room and returns to sit on the edge of the bed. He turns and angles himself so that he can see both of us.

I can’t hold back my smile. “You know I’ve been waiting for this ever since I saw the guitar in your room.”

His eyes are downcast as he strums a few strings. He’s tuning, but a smile curls up. “Don’t get your hopes up. I just play for fun.”

I put my arm around Stella, she snuggles into my side, and Keller starts to play. I recognize the song three or four notes in.

So does Stella. She claps her hands. “I love this one, Daddy.”

He’s good, technically sound, and he seems comfortable with the guitar in his hands. With practice he could be great. It’s just one more thing to add to the list of things that make him so damn hard to resist.

When he finishes I raise my eyebrows.

He raises his in response. “What?” He asks quietly out one side of his mouth, as if he’s trying to keep it between us and doesn’t want Stella to hear.

“The Cure is
so
mediocre.” I’m throwing his own words back at him from weeks ago. I narrow my eyes, but I can’t stop the smile that’s spreading across my face. “Lullaby” has always been one of my favorite songs and he played it beautifully, even without vocals. The guitar was haunting.

He tries to keep a straight face, but fails. “I lied. I love The Cure … and yes, Robert Smith is a God. You happy now?”

“Mmm hmm.” I am happy now.

“Daddy, can you play one more?” She has her hands clasped together in front of her chest like she’s begging or praying. “Pretty please.”

He laughs. “I have an idea.” His eyes shift to mine. “Let’s listen to Katie sing.”

Stella tilts her head to look up at me. Her blue eyes are wide with anticipation. I haven’t even agreed to it yet, but I’m already trying to think of a song.

I’m quiet and they’re both looking at me expectantly. The same eyes in two different faces. I can’t say no to those eyes. No to either set. I motion with my fingers toward Keller asking for the guitar.

“You want my guitar?”

I nod and motion again.

“You play?” It’s disbelief.

“Not well,” I mutter as he hands it to me. I wink. “Fake it ‘til you make it. Isn’t that the saying?”

Stella shifts to Keller’s side of the bed and I slide toward the edge so I’m sitting next to them. I play a few chords to get comfortable. It’s been months since I’ve held a guitar.

I look at Stella who’s climbed into Keller’s lap. She’s sitting with her knees bent, arms wrapped around her legs. Keller’s holding her like a little pink, fluffy ball in his arms. “Stella, this song is called ‘Angels.’”

I play. And I sing. I used to play this song for Gracie and she loved it.

When I finish I realize I’ve had my eyes closed the entire time. I pry one open and peek at my audience of two.

Stella is clapping and cheering in a state halfway between mildly awake and dead asleep. “Yay Kate. You sing pretty.” It’s enthusiastic sleep-talking.

Keller looks stunned, but in a way that makes me feel proud. “Yes she does. I didn’t know you played guitar, too.”

I shrug as I slide off the edge of the bed and set the guitar back in its stand. “Gus taught me. He got tired of me messing around with his guitar, so when I was thirteen or so he started teaching me. Nothing formal, but enough that I can stumble my way through a few songs.”

He shakes his head. “That wasn’t stumbling,” he says, there’s admiration in his eyes. “It was beautiful.”

I nod to acknowledge the compliment. “The xx does it so much better, but thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.”   

Stella interrupts. “Daddy, can we have a play date with Kate tomorrow?” before sleep takes her.

He hugs her. “That sounds like a great idea.”

She hugs both of us twice before crawling under the covers. Keller turns on her night light before turning out the light. “Good night, baby girl. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Daddy.”

As soon as the door clicks behind him, his voice breaks through the darkness of the hallway. “Thank you, Katie.” He pulls me into a hug. When he exhales I feel any tension in him disappear. “You were amazing. You had no idea what you were walking into tonight. I know I blindsided you with Stella, and I’m sorry. I thought you’d freak out if I told you. I should’ve known better. You never missed a beat. She loves you.”

“I’m not
gonna lie, I was in shock. But, that passed as soon as she looked up at me and said hi. What a smart, funny, adorable little gift you’ve been blessed with. It took me all of two seconds to fall in love with her. Do you think she’d fit in my backpack? I might take her home with me.”

His shoulders bounce up and down with quiet laughter. “She’d probably like that.”

I pat him on the back and release him. “I need to get to bed, dude. I have a play date tomorrow and I need to get rested up for it.”

He laughs again and walks me to the guest room.

“Thank you for sharing her with me, Keller.”

“Good night, Katie.” He kisses me on the cheek. “Thank you for letting me share you with her.”

(Keller)

Saturday and Sunday fly by and once again I’m forced to say goodbye to Stella long before I want to. Our weekend was typical, we walked around the city, played at the park, ate hot dogs from the cart on the corner, but with Katie there it was like I was seeing it all in color instead of black and white. The fun was amplified into pure joy. Stella had the time of her life. She laughed almost as much as Katie did, which is saying something; Katie laughs more than anyone I’ve ever known. She’s refined the art of enjoyment and living in the moment. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s breathtaking. I’m not that way. I try, but I’m too focused on the future, on Stella’s future. I lost myself this weekend and it felt great. I watched the two of them together and it was hard to not imagine the three of us as a family. Just the thought of it gave me a peace I’ve never known. If there’s one person in this world I would like to inspire my daughter, it’s Katie.

We even spent time with my father this morning. He’s usually working the ER when I’m home on weekends. I don’t see him much anymore.

Stella is wrapped around me like a monkey. She’s crying like she does every time I leave. It breaks my heart. I rock her back and forth slowly and try to sooth away her sadness. It kills me. I’m stroking her wild red curls, the ones she got from her mother. “
Shh, baby girl. I’ll be back soon.”

She sniffs and whispers in my ear, “I know, but I miss you when you’re not here.”

I whisper back, “I miss you, too, Stella. So, so much. But I’ll call or talk to you on the computer every morning and every night until I see you next time, okay?”

She nods her tiny head and wipes her wet eyes on my shoulder. “I want to say bye to Kate.” She squirms indicating she’s ready to be set down.

My beautiful little daughter walks slowly to my beautiful friend and extends her hands up over her head, asking to be picked up. Katie doesn’t hesitate. Stella wraps her arms and legs around her, rests her head on Katie’s shoulder and snuggles in. Not much in this world seems right, but what I’m watching now does. Katie holds her tightly but with a gentleness that’s calming. It’s what I feel when she hugs me, too, and I imagine that peace seeping into Stella now. Katie kisses Stella’s forehead. “I’m so happy I got to meet you, Stella.”

Stella’s head rises to look Katie in the eye. “Can you come back again with Daddy so we can have another play date?”

Katie looks at me, and for a second gut-wrenching devastation flashes across her face, but it’s followed so quickly by a smile that I wonder if I only imagined it. She looks at Stella and whispers, “I would love to see you again, Stella.” Katie kisses her on the forehead again before she sets her down. “You take good care of Miss Higgins.”

Stella smiles. “I will.”

After two more rounds of kisses and hugs and “I love yous,” Katie and I exit the building and climb into a waiting cab. The ride to the airport is quiet. I hate this part of being a father to Stella. The goodbyes.

It’s not until we’re on the plane that I feel like talking. Katie is perceptive and has given me the past two hours of silence to live in my head and not in the real world. She’s been holding my hand the entire time. It’s the smallest gesture, but she’ll never know how truly comforting it’s been. I speak without looking at her. “You know something? I’ve never seen my father laugh.”

There’s no disbelief or prompting me to explain further. No questions. She just lets me talk.

“He’s never played a children’s game either, probably not even when he was a child. And
you
got him to play Go Fish with us, just by asking. You teased him that you were glad we weren’t playing Operation because he’d kick our butts … and he
laughed
. He doesn’t laugh.” I finally look at her and her expression is blank but open. I shake my head and repeat, “He doesn’t laugh.”

She smiles sheepishly. “It
was
funny. He’s a surgeon, after all.”

I can’t hold back a smile. “I know. I got the joke. But what happened this weekend … everything that happened this weekend … was surreal. My daughter is completely, head-over-heels in love with you. My mother addressed you
by
your name
. She only started calling Dunc ‘Duncan’ last year, and I’ve known him for six years. He lived with us
in their home
for a full year and she wouldn’t talk to him. My father told you to ‘Come back anytime,
dude.’”

She laughs. “It’s funny when Shelly says dude, but your dad may have one-upped her.” She playfully frowns. “Sorry, I may have been a bad influence with all the trash-talking during
Go Fish. I got the feeling he enjoyed it though, or I wouldn’t have done it.”

I shake my head. “I thought I was fairly good at reading people, but you take that to a different level. You are simply … enchanting. People can’t resist you.”

She scoffs and changes the subject. She’s good at diverting attention away from herself. “Lily was Stella’s mother?”

I nod.

“And Lily was Duncan’s sister.” It’s not a question.

“She was. How’d you figure that out?”

She shrugs like it’s obvious. “The hair.”

I laugh. “I guess the red hair is kind of a giveaway. Stella takes after her mom. That’s a good thing.”

Katie smiles. “I’m sure Lily was pretty, but Stella looks a lot like you, too. Same eyes, same smile,” she winks at me, “and that’s definitely a good thing.”

“She does have my eyes. Lily’s were brown like
Dunc’s.” Now’s as good a time as any to tell the story, I think. “I worked at a pizza place my junior and senior years in high school because I just wanted some normalcy. I wanted to earn my own money, buy my own car. My parents weren’t happy about it, but they didn’t fight me on it. I met Dunc there, and through Dunc, Lily. Dunc and Lily had their own apartment. Their mom was a drug addict and they never knew their father, so they’d been on their own for a few years. Dunc is two years older than I am, and Lily was three years older. She was going to nursing school when we met. She was quiet, reserved, and smart. What she saw in a kid like me I’ll never know. We’d been dating for almost a year when she found out she was pregnant. I was a senior in high school and so confused. I knew I loved her, but my future had always been mapped out for me. I was too squeamish with blood to be a doctor like my father, so I was set on a course to become a lawyer like my mother. A baby didn’t really fit into my parents’ plans for me. They were furious. They wanted her to have an abortion. We refused and I asked her to marry me. I loved her and it seemed like the next logical step.” Katie smiles and nods. I take that as encouragement to continue and take a deep breath. “The baby was due right around my graduation and when Lily was scheduled to finish up her nursing program. We planned to marry that summer and move to Grant where I already had a scholarship in the fall, thanks in part to my grades and in part to my mother being an alum with a very generous pocketbook. Plans all changed when Lily died giving birth.”

Katie’s lips part slightly; the sincere reaction of a compassionate person. She’s the best kind of listener.

This story is one I’ve never even began to share with anyone, let alone one that I’ve finished. But now that it’s out there hanging between us, I want to. “They said the complications were very rare. One-in-a-million, they said. But they were
my
one in a million. Losing Lily was devastating, but I was also scared to death by the prospect of being a single father at eighteen. I had no idea what to do with a baby. My parents hired a nanny immediately, because in their home that’s how a child is raised. It’s how I was raised. I did my best, but I don’t know what I would have done without Melanie to help me. I skipped my first semester at Grant so I could be there for Stella. Again, my parents were furious because I was delaying their plans. Don’t get me wrong, they love Stella. But
I
was a huge disappointment. They convinced me to go away to school, and Dunc came with me. He’s always wanted to go to college and get into politics. My parents said the best place for Stella was with them and the nanny so I could focus on my classes and eventually have a career where I could support and care for Stella on my own.”

She blinks those gorgeous jade eyes at me and asks simply, “What did you think was best for Stella?”

This is the question that haunts me to this very day. “I didn’t know. I
don’t
know.”

“Keller, why doesn’t anyone in Grant know about Stella?”

I rake my hands through my hair. “God, you must think I’m awful.”

She shakes her head. “No, I don’t.” She means it. “I wouldn’t be sitting here next to you if I did. I’m allergic to awful people.”

I laugh because she always knows how to add humor when it’s needed. “I guess there are lots of reasons I don’t tell people. She’s mine, and a part of me wants to keep her close and not have to share her with more people than I already do. A part of me fears people would judge me for having her so young, for not being the father I should be, for being away from her. I love her so much, Katie. I just want what’s best for her. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

She squeezes my hand tighter. “Keller, you are an unbelievably patient, attentive, engaged, loving parent. Why do think Stella looks at you like she does? Like the sun rises and sets with you? Why do you think she’s so sad when you have to leave? You are her world. She loves you.”

My throat tightens up with her words. What she’s just described is all I want.

She senses I’m getting emotional and begins to trace circles on the back of my hand with her thumb. “Keller, dude, you only get one life to live. Imagine for a moment that you were free of all the expectations in your life. What would you do? How would you live your life with no one watching? What would your future look like?”

I don’t hesitate with my answer. “Stella would be with me in Grant. I’d change my major to English. And in a few years I’d be teaching high school English in a town where Stella could grow up safe and happy.” There are tears in my eyes. I should be embarrassed because I was always taught that boys don’t cry. Men don’t cry. With Katie, I’m free. 

She takes my chin in her hand and turns it until I’m looking her in the eyes. She stares at me unblinking for several seconds. She has my attention. “Do. It.” It’s a command. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, should stand in the way of that, because that is exactly the way your life should be, Keller. That little girl should be with her daddy every day, and you were absolutely born to be a teacher.”

She hasn’t released me. She’s waiting for a response. I close my eyes because I can’t look her in the eyes when I say it. “It’s not that easy.”

“Look at me,” she commands again. There’s no anger, but the desperation in her voice is unnerving. She cares. She cares about me and what I want. I forgot what that feels like. No one’s treated me like this since Lily, and even Lily never pushed me this far. “Please,” she says.

I do.

“Raising Stella on your own will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Knowing that another human being depends on you to get her through life? That’s hard, and it’s tiring, and it’s worr
isome, and it’s scary, but you know what? It’s also fun, and rewarding, and fulfilling in a way that nothing else in this world is.” She’s emphatic. This is too real for her. She drops her hand to her lap.

“You took care of your sister, didn’t you?” I guess.

She nods. I wait until she’s ready to talk because I know her sister is a topic that’s hard for her to open up about. “Grace had Down syndrome. Mentally she never progressed much past where Stella is right now. My mother had issues of her own that made parenting … difficult. So, it was always my job to take care of Gracie. I bathed her, I dressed her, I fed her, I read to her, I played with her, I took her to school. When she was sixteen, and I was fifteen, she was in an accident that left her without the use of her legs. She was confined to a wheelchair after that—”

I interrupt, remembering something she told me weeks ago. “That’s why you had the minivan.”

She nods and smiles that I remembered. “Yeah, Old Blue was chair accessible.” She takes a deep breath and continues. “When I was eighteen, a few weeks before my high school graduation, my mother passed away.”

My heart is breaking because this poor girl’s life has been so difficult. “I’m sorry,” is all I can think to say.

“Yeah.” She looks contemplative. “Life was always difficult for Janice Sedgwick. I like to think she’s in a better place now. That she’s finally happy.” She nods. “So it’s okay.”

“Where did you live after your mom died? You said your dad wasn’t around.”

“The months that followed her death were like an avalanche of shit. After the dust settled I sold everything and Gracie and I rented a place from my mother’s old gardener. It was nothing fancy, but it was ours. Grace loved it there. It was the best time of my life. We lived there until she died.”

I sit back in my seat and just look at her. You know how you think you know someone? By simply being around them you somehow think you have them figured out
? That you know what kind of a person they are deep down? You could literally knock me over with a feather after what I’ve just heard. The woman sitting next to me on this airplane is the most incredible person I’ve ever met. “How’d you do it all those years?”