Broken & Damaged Love (8 page)

So the pair slept soundly, and woke in the morning with rather sore heads. They felt awful and both swore not to drink again as they staggered into the kitchen for some much needed water.

They were as quiet as possible so as not to awake the slumbering Deborah. Frank made sure Tina was OK and left as quickly, worrying about what his father was going to do to him when he got home.

Tina was left to quietly clean up and dispense of the evidence of their illicit evening.

Frank tried to let himself into his house quietly, but his father was waiting for him.

“Where the hell have you been? Your mother’s been worried sick,” he bellowed as soon as Frank was through the front door.

“Round Tina’s. Sorry. I should have called...” he began, but was interrupted by his shocked father.

“Tina? And just who is Tina?”

“She’s my girlfriend if you must know,” he blurted out without thinking.

Well, she was a girl and she was a friend, so he wasn’t exactly lying.

“Your girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?” His father’s attitude had completely changed, and was that a hint of a smile?

Frank merely nodded, and found himself swept up in his dad’s arms.

“Oh my boy, I knew it was just a phase. I’m so happy for you. The Lord has blessed us.”

He was so happy that Frank couldn’t bring himself to correct him now. Besides, he hoped it would keep the old man off his case. And you know what? It did.

His father grilled him for more details, and then insisted on meeting the girl who had “turned his son”.

Frank suspected this was his father’s way of making sure his son was truly straight.

It made him feel sick to his stomach, but he wanted his father to be happy for him. He desperately wanted his father to be proud of him. And he was even more anxious not to go through another beating.

He had underplayed the incident when he’d told Tina. He’d been really quite seriously injured and lived in fear that one day his father would actually kill him should he reveal the truth about his sexuality.

It was a very awkward conversation at college on the following Monday, but Tina was surprisingly agreeable.

“Tina. Look. I’m really sorry, but when I got home my dad was ready to tear strips off me for being out all night. When he asked where I’d been I told him I had been at yours. And, well, he assumed you were my girlfriend, and I didn’t correct him.”

Tina actually laughed.

“Wow, I’m privileged,” she chuckled.

“Yeah, but he wants to meet you. You know, like proof.”

“He wants to meet me?”

That stopped the laughter quite rapidly.

“Yeah. He says you’re to come round for dinner Friday night. Is that a problem? Am I asking too much from our friendship to ask you to do this for me? Will you go along with it? Please?”

“Of course. Frank, I want you to be happy. If this is what it takes so be it.”

She put an arm around his shoulders. Then her face dropped.

“Oh, but mum’s going to be home. I’ll have to ask her.”

“Will she mind?”

Tina snorted, “Ha. Weird, isn’t it? Here I am pretending to be your girlfriend. And I think I’ll be doing the opposite. I’ll have to tell her I’m going round a girl friend’s house. No way would she let me go round a boy’s house.”

“I don’t get it. Doesn’t she want you to be happy?”

“No. I don’t think she does,” she admitted sadly.

“It’s like she blames me for stealing her husband, so now I can’t ever have a boy of my own. I don’t deserve it in her eyes. At least, that’s what I think. I just know she forbids contact with the opposite sex. I’m surprised she didn’t send me off to an all girl’s school, or something. Not that it matters. I’m not exactly up for a relationship. Maybe I should turn gay too?”

“Don’t. Please,” Frank interrupted, suddenly serious. “It’s not something to joke about.”

“Shit. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. No. I know it’s not something people choose.”

She was blushing wildly.

“It’s OK. I’m sorry. I’m just a bit sensitive about it. I know you weren’t being serious. Ignore it.”

It was his turn to look sheepish. Tina looked at him and then laughed.

“What are we like?” she guffawed and gave her mate a hug.

So it was arranged, somewhat awkwardly and with many lies being told, Tina was allowed out Friday night.

There was a nervous moment when Frank’s father wanted to pick Tina up from her house, but they managed to arrange it so she just went home with Frank straight from college.

She was so nervous, and was slightly overdressed for the occasion, both of which actually helped with the deception.

Frank’s father naturally assumed the nerves were because the girl was meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, and had overdressed to create a good impression. ‘Just as any nice girl should’, Frank’s father mused to himself.

The dinner was incredibly uncomfortable, and was more of an interrogation.

“So, where did you two meet?” Frank’s father asked, peering down his nose and with a cocked eyebrow.

“At college,” was Tina’s shaky yet short answer.

“I see. And what are you studying?”

“Finance.”

“But you met Frank at college, despite him studying a completely different subject?”

He really hated his son doing Art & Design, but Frank had assured him it was so he could get into design more, perhaps even car design. His father chose to believe that.

“Well, yes sir. You see, I was in the library studying…” Tina fidgeted with the corners of her napkin and cast her eyes downwards as she replied.

“Oh, so you do study then?” he asked with some surprise.

“Oh yes. I need to get good grades. I’m hoping to become an accountant.” 

“An accountant?” he asked incredulously.

“Well, yes…” Tina was suddenly worried she had said something wrong.

But Frank’s father let the corners of his mouth edge into the start of a smile. At least Tina thought it was a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes, and she thought it could just as easily have been gas.

“How unusual. I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone your age with such an ambition.”

“Well numbers have always just been ‘my thing’. They make sense to me and I enjoy mathematics.”

“Hmm…very well,” he said as if he was passing judgement, which of course he was. “And what does your father do?”

Tina’s breath hitched and she flinched a little. She’d not expected that question, at least, not yet. It came at her like a side swipe. She paused to take a sip of her drink to give herself time to compose herself.

“He’s away. He’s in the army.”

Fortunately, this fabrication had been constructed long ago by her mother, so it tripped off her tongue without too much trouble. But she still felt unsettled.

“Oh, I see. That must be a struggle. Do you move around a lot?”

“Oh no. He gets sent away, but my mother had always told him she didn’t want to move from town to town. We really don’t see much of him, but she thinks it’s better for my education this way.”

“Well, that sounds like good reasoning to me. So, your mother takes care of you and the house?”

“Yes, and a million other people.”

This caused the eyebrow to get raised in her direction again, so she explained, “She’s a nurse.”

“Ah, a veritable Florence Nightingale, eh?”

“Something like that,” Tina agreed glumly.

Mind you, she pondered to herself, she also had a reputation for being a bit of a hardnosed bitch, didn’t she?

A little smirk appeared on her face, but it went unnoticed as Frank had chosen that moment to take hold of her hand to give it a squeeze.

Her smirk turned into a smile at her friend. His eyes were glistening in wonder at how well she was doing.

Not many would stand up to his father’s scrutiny, yet there she was shining like a star.

The interrogation continued over dessert, but finally they were allowed to escape up to Franks’ room.

“Don’t get up to any funny business, mind you,” his father warned, whilst secretly hoping they did, just to assuage any last suspicions he had.

But for now he was satisfied that that nasty phase had passed, and his son was indeed not gay.

He let a sigh of relief escape as he admitted that thought to himself. The young couple certainly had run up those stairs giggling like a pair in love.

Again, that almost smile (maybe gas) look crossed his facial features.

Once safely ensconced in his room, Frank gave his friend a hug and whispered, “I can’t believe you just did that. Thank you so much. I owe you big time.”

Tina breathed out long and slowly, “Phewww, I’d say you’re welcome but oh my God, is he a former member of the Gestapo or something? Wow!”

“I’m so sorry. I never thought he’d be that bad.”

“Well, it’s all over with. So what do we do now?” she asked with a naughty smile.

“Be-have,” he mocked. “I think I have some etchings around here somewhere, if you care to look?” he winked wickedly.

“Well, as I know you must actually have some artwork I will gladly accept your kind offer,” she grinned. Frank delved into the back of his wardrobe, where he’d stashed a portfolio away from his parents’ prying eyes.

“These are the ones about them,” he confessed, pulling out some pieces of paper.

“Your mum’s really quiet,” Tina said as she started looking at the pictures.

“I don’t think she has much choice. You’ve met my father.”

“Yeah, she’d struggle to get a word in edgewise.”

“I do worry about her. Not that dad would ever hurt her, or anything. But she just seems so hidden. It’s almost as if she’s not there. Her job is to keep the house looking nice and to put food on the table. I don’t even know how or why they got married.”

“Why don’t you ask them?”

Frank’s raised eyebrow made her laugh. “Oh no, I know where you get that from now.”

“What?”

“That questioning eyebrow thing you do; it’s just like your dad.”

“No. Oh my God, please tell me I’m not like him,” he pleaded urgently.

“Calm down. It’s only one mannerism. I don’t think it qualifies you as his exact copy or anything. 

“These are great,” she added, quickly changing the subject, referring to the pictures. “This one, I can really see your father in it.”

It was a close up of a face, painted in reds and blues. The anger was blatantly obvious. But at the same time it was featureless. It was a mass of jagged patterns.

“I hope he never sees it. I’m not sure he’d get it, but I don’t want to take that risk.”

Tina carried on flicking through. She started to get really worried about her friend; there were pages and pages of hurt and anger.

Then she came across an image done in the softest pastels. It was like a meadow of delicate flowers.

Tina could almost smell their gentle scent wafting on a breeze. It was as if one was looking at the meadow through a soft misty haze. You could see the colours, but only faintly.

“Your mother,” Tina stated.

Frank nodded, biting his lip. Tina rubbed his upper arm.

“She’ll be OK,” she told him.

“I hope so,” he sighed.

Now, some may think, well Tina has done her duty and that was that. But over the course of the next year there were several invitations to Frank’s house, and each time she had to sit through a dreadful formal meal, and keep up the pretence of her role as girlfriend.

It was torture, but what else could she do? Frank was her only friend and she wanted to protect him.

Fortunately, she managed to invite Frank round to her house more (obviously when her mum was at work), and they had many fun evenings together chatting and drawing.

One project they set themselves was to do a portrait of each other.

They were both fine pieces of art, but staring out of the eyes of each was a galaxy of hurt and pain, a sadness which is hard to explain, but it was there nonetheless.

They silently acknowledged each other’s misery; some things don’t need to be said out loud, and this was certainly one of those things.

They both worked incredibly hard at college, each spurred on by the compulsion to leave home and become independent, desperate to make another life for themselves.

A huge break for freedom came in the form of driving lessons.

They both passed their driving tests, but only Frank’s father could afford to buy a car, and he kindly put Tina on the insurance, as they lived fairly close to each other, and he was happy to encourage the heterosexual relationship in any way he could.

The joy of this newfound freedom was unimaginable. The two could go anywhere they wanted when they wanted.

On weekends in dry weather they would drive out and find scenes to draw, the forest still being one of their favourites. There were always different flowers or animals or plants to capture.

And when they were trapped alone in their own darkness at home they would gaze upon the happy times and escape into the pages, reminiscing on the feelings of freedom.

The pair were thought of as a couple, not only by Frank’s parents, but their classmates at college too.

They spent all their free time together, and so people naturally assumed they were ‘an item’.

They were both scared of relationships; Frank was terrified his father would find out, and more than a little nervous what he would do with a boyfriend.

Besides (he tried to convince himself), there were very few gay boys at college, and fewer still whom he fancied. He almost convinced himself there was nobody eligible for him.

Tina too was happy to hide behind the façade. Given her previous horrendous experience of having a boyfriend she really was in no hurry to fail again.

She couldn’t even bring herself to masturbate properly, let alone have sexual relations with another human being. Each time she tried to pleasure herself she had flashbacks of her childhood.

Tina was incredibly resourceful, and had (with the help of her tutor) managed to get a job as an office junior in an accountancy firm. The pay was poor and she was there to do the menial office tasks, which she found boring, but they supported her to obtain her AAT (Association of Accounting Technicians) qualification, with a view to her then going on to study for ACCA (Association of Chartered Certified Accountants).

She started her job just as soon as college was over. Her mother of course, demanded some of her earnings, but she managed to squirrel away some savings and petrol money.

With Frank at university she was now custodian of the car (as he wasn’t allowed it on campus).

Frank had found a Fine Art undergraduate course locally and managed to convince his father it would lead to a reputable enough job (as an art gallery curator).

His first year (like most other students) he stayed in ‘halls’. His father was reluctant on this too, but he eventually saw the benefits of him socialising with people his own age, and how he’d learn more if he had continuous contact with his fellow students (as Frank had put it to him).

Frank was soon initiated in the rights of passage (otherwise known as Fresher’s Week). He learned that he got drunk very quickly, with some rather unpleasant after effects, but he was not alone in this.

And being on a course with likeminded people, he actually managed to get a good group of friends. For the first time in his life he felt accepted by his peers.

This was bliss; freedom and happiness. What more could he want? His father’s watchful eye was no longer upon him 24/7, and he was making his first steps into the world.

He felt independent (even though his father was bankrolling his studies etc.). He could do as he pleased; no pretend girlfriend required (unless he went home).

His group of friends were a motley crew really. Most of them were on his course, but there were a few ‘randoms’ too.

Take Fiona’s boyfriend for example; he was studying Chemistry and seemed to have the opposite personality of his girlfriend. Frank was half expecting Fiona to produce an extraordinarily beautiful yet surreal image of some sort of organism or strand of DNA, perhaps in dark Gothic colours, being Fiona.

She did tend to stray towards the dark side, but then that’s why he liked talking to her. They could have great conversations on the intricacies of life, and different people’s perspectives of it.

They would sit for hours deep in conversation about the merits of embracing light from the darkness, seeking passive resolutions to conflict etc. 

Fiona seemed to think that only when you’re enveloped in total darkness can you find the purest light to combat it. Frank hoped she was right. If it was one thing he knew it was darkness.

Some of the group had been friends for years. That’s how Jake ended up joining their social group, despite studying Law and coming from a different social scene initially.

He was friends with Andy, who was on Frank’s course. And, as it turns out Jake had a good appreciation of art too, which drew Frank’s interest in his direction.

Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that Jake was supremely good looking and had a ‘naughty boy’ smile, or anything.

No, Frank was just attracted to Jake’s intellectually stimulating conversation. Well, OK, other things may have been stimulated by him too. But Frank wasn’t going there.

They did all have one thing in common, apart from being at university; they all loved to have a good time. I know, shocking, right?

They all went clubbing (naturally), but they also loved their coffee culture. Any combination of the gang could often be found in their local coffee house at different times, discussing any number of topics, but of course, art was the most common of these.

One of them laughed about how they were the modern Pre-Raphaelites. The group had a great dynamic, liking an eclectic mix of artists and styles, from A’Becket to  Zynsky, from Abstract Expressionism to Symbolism, including painting, sculpture and installation.

The more Frank explored art movements, the more he was drawn to Romanticism. He liked the emotional depths the artists plunged into, often blending heroes with dramatic landscapes. It seemed to resonate with his own inner turmoil.

He reached out for a softer, brighter, more beautiful life out of the turmoil of his childhood. Attempting to paint in this style let his creative juices flow more rapidly, and gave him a place to explore remote and exotic worlds.

Without fully realising it, by delving into the realms created by the likes of Carl Gustav Carus, Caspar David Friedrich and Eugene Delacroix, Frank was seeking a deeper spiritual truth, something that would give him meaning or purpose in his life.

Sometimes he’d look at their work and think, “It’s like they reached into my soul and put it onto canvas.”

Frank hadn’t forgotten his best friend Tina by the way. At weekends he would regularly invite her into his social circle. She had been more than reluctant at first.

“I can’t go out,” she’d explain. “I haven’t got the right outfit.”

When he got too fed up with that excuse he actually went out and bought an outfit for her, and produced it the next time she used it.

She merely smiled awkwardly and had to confess, “I’m not ready yet, Frank.”

“You’ll never be ready until you do it. Please please pleeeaase come out with us.”

“Why’s this so important to you?”

He shrugged.

“I want you to be happy,” was his simple response.

“I’m just not sure it’s a good idea.”

“I’m not asking you to date any of them. Just come out for a drink. It’ll do you good to let your hair down a bit. You’re stuck in an office of accountants all day.”

“Hey, they’re not zombies. They are still human.”

“Yeah, but it’s not exactly riveting work, is it? Come, have fun.”

“Hmm…so, who would be there?”

“Well, Fiona and her boyfriend. She’s great, and I just know you’ll get on with her. I’ll keep the numbers down, I promise. Just one little drink…?”

He pouted as he pleaded.

Tina rolled her eyes.

“Fine, just one drink. And you’ll be there right next to me, and if I panic you will take me straight home?”

“Of course. Thanks Tina. You won’t regret it.”

And she didn’t regret it. They went to one of the quieter pubs where Frank’s group of friends could talk.

He had warned them all that his friend was shy, but they welcomed her with open arms.

Fiona was indeed the first to say hello. She fought the urge to get up and hug her (for fear of spooking her), but she looked up from her seat and smiled as Tina pigeon stepped towards the table.

“You must be Tina. I saved you a seat,” Fiona said, patting a stool next to her.

Tina shuffled over and sat down, feeling glad she wasn’t standing there, sticking out like a sore thumb.

“Frank said you like drawing Fantasy Art..?” Fiona half queried.

Looking down at her lap, and smiling shyly Tina admitted, “Yeah, but I don’t think it’s very good.”

“Nonsense. If Frank likes it I’m sure it’s brilliant. He’s got a discerning eye for these things.”

Starting to relax a little, Tina happily started talking more about her friend than herself. The two girls had found common ground and were happy as lambs.

By the time drink three turned up Jake sidled up to them.

“Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?”

This was said in a most charmingly cheeky way.

“Tina this is Jake, Jake this is Tina.” Fiona announced.

Introductions having been made the conversation about Frank continued.

Frank meanwhile was just out of earshot, keeping a friendly distance to allow Tina her space to get acquainted, whilst being close enough to step in should she start to show signs of distress.

He needn’t have worried. He was so proud of her. She was getting a great reaction with his friends.

Tina gradually started gaining her confidence. She went out with Frank’s circle a few times and found she was braver than she’d given herself credit for.

She still felt intimidated by busy places, but was fine with these pub trips, where she could hide away in a corner with her new friends helping to keep guard.