Broken Juliet (4 page)

“No, it doesn’t.”

“—but I meant every word, and if you let me in, I’ll prove it to you. Show you.
Love
you. Please…”

He brushes his lips against my ear, and it makes me tremble.

He wraps his fingers around mine and pulls them away from the door.

“You want to hold on to something?” he says. “Hold on to me.” He brings my hands to his chest. When I curl my fingers into his muscles, he doesn’t flinch.

“Ethan, I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I know. Let me help you.”

“You never let me help you in the past.”

“I should have. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Please. Let me show you how different I can be.”

I close my eyes as he presses my hands against his chest and strokes my fingers.

Am I doing this? Considering trying again with him?

I stare at his chest. His shirt is a button-down. Blue. If I looked into his eyes right now, they’d mirror the color.

He squeezes my hands. “I know you’re thinking that you’ve been shut down for so long, you don’t know how to wake up. That all these messy feelings I bring out in you make you wishes you’d never met me.”

I sigh. “Pretty much.”

He pauses for a few seconds, then says, “That’s how I used to feel about you. When we started getting serious, everything I felt got too big. It didn’t help that a paranoid voice inside kept whispering that you were going to destroy me. I’m sure in your head, there’s a voice saying the same thing.”

That’s true. The difference is, I had nothing to do with creating his trust issues, yet he’s the sole reason for all of mine.

“But you’ve told me you could do this twice before,” I say. “Twice you broke my heart.”

He strokes my hands again. “Cassie, look at me.”

I struggle to lift my gaze to his eyes. When I do, he doesn’t let me look away.

“In the past, I
thought
I could be what you needed. But thinking and knowing are two different things. Now, I
know
. Let me prove I can love you the way you deserve.”

I don’t know what I deserve anymore. I used to think I deserved him, but he proved me wrong time and again.

If he were to fail this time, there’d be nothing left of me.

FIVE

DESPISED VULNERABILITY

Six Years Earlier

Westchester, New York

The Grove

For two weeks, Ethan is everything I’d ever hoped for. He’s affectionate and attentive, and we have standing dates on Friday and Saturday nights. He’s even bought me flowers. Twice.

I can’t believe the change.

Neither can anyone in our group of friends.

“What the fuck have you done to Holt?” Jack asks when Ethan leaves our table in the cafeteria to buy me a drink. “It’s like that creepy-ass movie where everyone is taken over by aliens and become super-nice. He hasn’t told me to fuck off in weeks. It’s wrong and unnatural.”

Connor shrugs. “Maybe the love of a good woman has changed him.” He gives me a smile. “Personally, I’m glad he’s stopped being such an asshole. It was starting to piss me off.”

Zoe pulls out a compact and powders her nose. “Well, I call bullshit. No one as badass as Holt changes overnight, no matter how much he wants to. Did you see that look he gave Erika in mask class today? If his eyes were laser beams, she’d be dust. The real Holt is still in there, that’s for sure.”

I tune them out. I don’t care what they say. Ethan has been amazing, and I’m going to enjoy it for as long as I can.

When he gets back to the table, he gives me a lingering kiss.

Everyone falls silent. Jack gets up and studies the back of Ethan’s neck.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Jack says, and stands on his toes. “Just looking for the alien tentacle attached to your brain.”

Ethan scowls and pushes him away. “Fuck off, Avery.”

When everyone hoots and breaks into applause, Ethan looks at me with a confused expression.

I shake my head and pull him down next to me.

A few minutes later, Jack launches into one of his epic jokes. When I turn to look at Ethan, he’s smiling, but there’s something in his eyes. A weary sadness. Like being this version of himself is exhausting, but he refuses to give it up.

Part of me wants to ignore the wrongness and just believe him, but then I’d be pretending as much as he is.

No matter how much I want to deny the truth, it gets more obvious every day that he’s a drowning man clinging to a sinking raft.

Whenever I try to talk to Ethan about what’s going on with him, he either changes the subject, ignores me, or uses his sex appeal as a weapon to distract me from everything but my escalating need for sex.

That’s what he’s doing now.

He’s between my legs, rocking and pressing his pelvis in a way he knows makes me crazy. I’m so desperate to have him inside me, I’ve resorted to begging.

“Ethan, please.”

He kisses me again, then pulls me on top of him. His hands are on my ass, his lips on my neck.

“Not tonight.”

“Why not?”

His mouth and tongue silence me. Wet, and warm, and so, so good.

I tug on his hair, and he makes that noise. My noise. The one that makes his chest vibrate.

“Ethan…”
Oh, don’t stop. Yes, right there. Ohhhhhh, God.
He pulls down the cup of my bra and uses his mouth. Oh, sweet majestic Zeus. “Okay. Fine. I’ll talk you into having sex later. For now, keep doing that.”

“I have a better idea,” he says as he unbuttons my jeans. “Let me put my mouth on another part of you.”

My jeans are halfway down my legs before I register what he’s said.

“Um … what now?”

He tugs my jeans off and throws them on the floor, then kneels between my legs and strokes my thighs. “Do you remember what third base is?”

“Uh … it’s … well.” I absolutely remember, and thinking about him going there makes me glow like a stoplight. “Are you sure you want to do that? I mean—”

He leans over and kisses me, deep and passionate. It leaves me so breathless, I can’t talk. I think that was his plan.

He looks at my panties. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.”

His eyes are dark. When he fingers the top of my panties, I suck in a ragged breath.

“Nervous?” he asks. I nod. “Don’t be. You’ll enjoy it.”

He slowly removes my panties, then brings his mouth down … down … oh, mercy, all the way down. He keeps eye contact as he kisses my inner thigh. I can’t stop the noises I’m making, no matter how embarrassing they are. When he kisses the other thigh, open-mouthed, I start to hyperventilate.

His eyes drift closed when he covers me with his mouth, and his accompanying moan vibrates all the way into my bones.

I have no idea what he’s doing with his tongue, but it feels incredible. When I squirm in response, he grabs my hips and sucks harder. I’ve never felt anything like it. Then he adds his fingers, and I nearly pass out from the pleasure.

That night, Ethan teaches me about the explosive ecstasy of oral sex. Several times.

We don’t end up talking about our issues. Or why he refuses to sleep with me.

Tomorrow
, I tell myself as he leaves me in bed and lets himself out.
We’ll talk tomorrow.

Ruby turns bright red. “He still hasn’t fucked you since he took your virginity?!”

“Shhh!”

Half the people in the cafeteria line have turned to look at us.

“Just rehearsing some lines,” Ruby says. “Turn the fuck around, creepers.”

We pay for our lunches and head out to the tables. “He does stuff to me all the time, but he always steers us away from … you know…”

“Penile penetration.”

“Exactly.”

“Jesus, Cass, what did you do the first time that made him so gun shy?”

“Nothing! He told me I was the best he’s ever had.”

“Then why the hell isn’t he hitting that every chance he gets? What’s he waiting for? A presidential invite?”

I sigh and pick at my salad. “I don’t know. He just seems to panic whenever we get close to…”

“He’s such a dumbass.”

“Ruby, come on. He’s trying.”

“To be a dumbass?”

“Stop.”

I look over and see him crossing the quad. His hands are in his pockets, and his head is down. He looks nothing like the person I’ve come to know in the past few weeks.

He seems utterly defeated.

Weary.

Miserable.

A shiver runs up my spine.

He doesn’t know I’m watching, and I realize what I’m looking at is the real him. My perfect boyfriend is nowhere in sight.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Olivia watching him, too. She shakes her head and heads into the bathroom.

Outside, the rumbling clouds of an approaching storm sound a hell of a lot like an avalanche.

SIX

UNRAVELING

What do you do when you see someone you love unraveling? Do you try to stop it?

Of course.

I tell Ethan that he doesn’t need to try so hard. That I care about him even if he doesn’t bring me flowers or take me out on dates.

He still refuses to discuss it.

We go back to him not talking. Not touching.

Shutting down.

One night, we hear sirens outside and go out to discover an ambulance in the driveway of the apartment block down the street.

As we reach the small crowd gathered on the pavement, I see Ruby chatting with Liberty, one of the visual arts girls.

“What’s up?” I pull my coat around me and glance over at the building.

Ruby’s expression is serious. “Overdose. The paramedics revived her, but it was touch and go for a while.”

“Oh my God. Who is it?”

She flicks a glance at Ethan. “Olivia Pyne. Second-year actor. That’s the girl who was stalking you, right? Holt’s ex?”

I turn to Ethan, who’s gone as white as a sheet. “Yeah. That’s her.”

I’m about to say something when the lobby doors open and the paramedics wheel a gurney down the path to the sidewalk. Everyone cranes their necks to see. Even though Olivia’s pale face is half hidden beneath an oxygen mask, it’s clear she’s in a bad way.

Ethan shoves people aside to get to the paramedics. “Is she going to be okay?”

The female paramedic gives him the once-over. “You her boyfriend?”

His expression hardens. “No.”

“She’s stable. That’s all I can tell you.”

“Was the overdose intentional?”

“That’s not for us to say.”

“What did she OD on?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t comment further. We’re taking her to White Plains Hospital where they’ll do tests.”

The paramedic shoulders past Ethan before she opens the ambulance door so she and her partner can load Olivia inside. I take Ethan’s hand as the ambulance pulls away, its lights and siren blaring. He watches it with a stony expression until it disappears.

“Liberty said she’d been depressed,” Ruby says. “Got hooked on drugs a while ago. Her roommate thought she’d gotten clean, but apparently not.”

Without a word, Ethan pulls his hand out of mine and strides off.

When I catch up with him, his jaw looks so tight it could crack walnuts.

“Ethan—”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Yeah, well, I’m used to that by now.

I scramble to keep up with him. “You can’t blame yourself for this. Seriously. She had a drug problem.”

“Which she developed after I fucked her up.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do, because she sure as hell didn’t have one while we were together.”

“It’s college. A lot of people do a lot of stupid stuff. At least they found her in time. She’s going to be okay.”

He stops and turns to me, his expression fiery. “You really wander through life looking through rose-colored glasses, don’t you, Taylor? She’s
not
going to be all right! Didn’t you see her back there? She’s barely alive! I know your life has been peaches and fucking cream, but not everyone is like you. Some of us live in the real world where shit happens that you can’t take back, and no matter how much you wish things could change, they just fucking don’t. Wake up!”

When he storms off, I tell myself he just needs time. That this will blow over, and we’ll go back to normal. But I have no idea what normal is for us. I hate that we’re becoming more and more undefined every day, and I’m powerless to stop it.

He doesn’t call me that night, and when he shows up for his final mask assessment the next morning, he looks like he hasn’t slept.

“Mr. Holt,” Erika says, as he struggles through the first test. “How are you supposed to express the truth of this mask when there are so many barriers between it and the real you?’

I can see him really trying to get to the place of vulnerability that has eluded him for weeks, but he fails, again, and again, and again.

“Let go, Ethan! Strip away all the garbage you think is protecting you!”

He grunts in frustration and tears off his mask before throwing it across the room. “I can’t fucking do it, all right?! Fail me!”

Erika looks around at the rest of the class. “You’re all dismissed. I’ll see you tomorrow. Mr. Holt, you stay.”

There are cautious looks as everyone grabs their belongings. I loiter outside the door. Yesterday with Olivia, and now this? I have no idea how to help him. Or even if he
can
be helped.

I press my back into the hallway wall and eavesdrop.

“Mr. Holt, your behavior in this class has been unacceptable. Explain yourself.”

“Okay, how’s this? Masks are fucking stupid. I want to be an actor, not a two-bit mime. How the hell is this going to be relevant to me outside of this classroom?”

“An actor’s job is to share himself with his audience. These masks challenge you to open up
fully
.
That’s
how it’s relevant.”

“I’ve
tried
to share and be open and vulnerable! Every fucking lesson, I’ve tried. What more do you want?”

“I want you to just
be
. Stop trying to show me a sanitized version of yourself. Show me the guy underneath all of that crap.”