Broken Road (31 page)

Riley was strapped to a gurney.
 
He was being rolled through a set of doors.
 
Someone was screaming again.
 
But, he couldn’t open his eyes.
 
Darkness fell on him like a heavy wet blanket.
 
He could still hear the screaming.
 
Scream!
 
Scream!
 
Scream!
 
Make it stop.
 
But it didn’t stop.
 
It never stopped in this nightmare.
 
His head felt like it had been hit by a rocket.
 
Where was he now?
 
He felt a brighter light shining on him.
 
A bright, white light was shining.
 
He wanted to raise his arms and shield himself from the light but he couldn’t.
 
The straps on the gurney were tight.
 
He was panting not breathing.
 
Soon he would be hyperventilating.
 
His head was throbbing.
 
Someone was holding his hand, walking quickly alongside his gurney. Who was it?
 
He couldn’t remember.
 
All he could remember was that they’d all been blown to hell.
 
All of them were gone.
 
He had gone back to save them and instead he’d gotten them killed.
 
Blown to hell. Blown to hell.
 
Fire. Fire. Fire.
 
It was everywhere.
 
Please, make the burning stop
, he wanted to yell.
 
But, he couldn’t open his mouth to form any words.
 
Then he opened his eyes.
 
A woman was standing over him.
 
Did he know her?
 
Her lips were moving, but he couldn’t hear anything.
 
Not really. He felt like he was underwater trying to make out her words.
 
His eyes began to focus and he watched her lips move again and tried to make it out.

“Riley.” She seemed to be saying.
 
Riley.
 
Wait.
 
It was his name.
 
She was saying his name. How did she know his name? It didn’t matter he told himself. He was Riley.
 
Riley Favreau.
 
He sighed with relief.
 
He hadn’t disappeared. Not yet.
 
The nightmare was almost over.
 

“Riley.”
 
The woman mouthed again and he made eye contact this time. Was she the one holding his hand?
 
He wanted to pull away but she must have been holding onto him tightly.
 
He couldn’t feel anything.
 
Maybe he was paralyzed too and had just forgotten.
 
Maybe that was why no one could hear him.
 
He tried to communicate anyway, asking the one question he wanted to know.

“Do I know you?” He whispered through dry cracked lips.
 
Through her tears the woman kissed his hand and started crying again.
 
It was all starting to scare him.

“Not right now, Riley.
 
You don’t know me right now.
 
But you will.
 
You will.”

So, he wasn’t paralyzed.
 
They could hear him.
 
Vaguely he recalled how it had all started.
 
He’d been sitting in the barn.
 
Sitting alone in the dark in the barn and it had all started to unravel. He remembered bits and pieces but one image blurred into the other. Now, he was somewhere, probably a hospital, strapped to a gurney because the whole episode had been pretty bad.
 
It had been so bad that it had caused the pretty woman he couldn’t remember to cry over him and had resulted in his being strapped down.
 
Soon enough, he thought, it would all come back to him and someone would tell him how long he’d been out of commission and exactly what had happened.
 
How much time had he lost between the moment he realized the episode had begun and his arrival here, he wondered?
 
Minutes?
 
Hours?
 
His eyes felt heavy so he closed them.
 
He felt as though he were floating away on some slow moving current.
 
A soft but annoying ringing filled his ears and he wondered where he would wake up the next time.
 
Anywhere, he prayed, anywhere but back on that road.
 
Please, God.
 
Please
, he begged and soon the ringing faded and a merciful darkness void of any images or any thoughts took him away.

***

As Riley closed his eyes again, Brenda stared sadly out the hospital window.
 
Her arms folded, her face tear stained, she tried desperately to contain the despair and confusion she felt.
 
But more than anything she struggled with the helplessness she felt at not being able to fix what was wrong and she fought more and more with the guilt at not being sure she wanted to do anything about it anymore.
 
She turned back to look at the man strapped to the bed.
 
He didn’t resemble the handsome, vibrant man she’d come to know these past weeks.
 
This
 
man was a stranger.
 
He was thin, frail and hollow-eyed. He was a shadow of the Riley Favreau who’d held her hand underneath the table at the Community Dinner. It wasn’t the episode that put her off; she was happy enough, grateful to God, for the blessing of having him back at all. He could have killed himself. He could have killed her out in that barn for that matter. It wasn’t that. It was the fact that she’d started to come to terms that maybe he would never really come back. Riley Favreau was still over
there.
It was just like Shane who seemed to leave a little of himself back there with each deployment. It made her wonder, is this how it would have been with Shane? Is this what it would have come to? Late night vigils in emergency rooms and hospitals hoping that the next MRI, the next doctor would catch something somebody else missed and fix it? Deep down she knew this wasn’t how it all worked.
 
But this was unfamiliar territory, when Shane was home between deployments he seemed fine. He helped coach football, he played with the boys and everything seemed more or less normal. Well, almost. It was true that their conversations were sparse, to the point and mostly related to the weather, work or the kids. When they slept together they actually just slept. They were too busy with life to do any real living. Brenda wondered if she’d missed something in the emails he sent or the phones calls he made. When he made a video call on the computer did he seem different? Would she have truly noticed? Brenda couldn’t remember if she’d asked him about what he experienced during his tours. She assumed he couldn’t talk about it so aside from that one email where he hinted at a close call he’d had, which had only led her to Jon and subsequently to their affair, she wasn’t sure she’d ever taken the time to ask all the proper questions. She
assumed
Shane had integrated well when he came back. Not seamlessly but well. She just
assumed
he was okay because not every soldier appears to be as damaged or as sick or as angry. Everyone was different. That’s what she told herself. Maybe she had been wrong where Shane was concerned. Would the guilt ever end? She realized she was playing with the chain around her neck and felt for the rings that hung from it.
 
It held her wedding rings. Thinking about the day Shane placed them on her finger brought on a sharp searing pain in her heart. What had happened to her life? How had she gone from having an affair, to losing her husband to falling in love with the man, who may have failed to save his life? She sighed. Another tear fell. Riley stirred and moaned.
 
It was a pitiful moan, she thought.
 
He must be in pain and there was nothing she could do to ease it.
 
She didn’t know how much more she’d be able to take.
 
Suddenly, she heard the door open.
 
Louis stood in the entrance.
 
His eyes first glanced in Riley’s direction and then fell directly on her.
 
The flood she struggled against could no longer be held in.
 
As soon as she saw him, she walked to him and buried herself in his chest. She shook with sobs and Louis put his arms around her. The pain of it was unbearable.
 
Something had happened deep inside of her.
 
She realized that loving Shane and what she felt for Riley had nothing to do with each other. She loved them both.
 
Each man held a part of her heart and each part had a jagged edge. Seeing Riley now and what was happening to him, she realized how much she loved him and how close she had come to losing him. Now she was beginning to understand why Riley had taken to hiding from everyone and shut himself away pushing everyone away including her.
 
Loving someone while they were broken wasn’t easy it was hard. It was almost impossible. He had been through it before with his fiancée. Maybe he wasn’t trying to push her away as much as protect her from the pain he thought he’d caused.
 
They’d slowly come to realize that they needed each other, that they could be part of the healing each one of them needed. But would it be enough to help them get through this?
 
Both Riley and Shane should have been able to come home to their families, their friends like kings.
 
They had deserved a happy ending.
 
Instead it looked like everything was just ending. Louis held Brenda even closer and kissed the top of her head. She appreciated his strength and encouragement.

“Don’t you give up on him.” He whispered which only made her cry harder.
 

“Because he needs me?” she asked.

“Because you need each other.” Louis replied and Brenda hugged him even tighter.

“Ms. Messersmith. Mr. Montgomery.” Cody Hatchett, Director of the PTSD Clinical Treatment Center greeted both of them as he sat down. They had traveled over three hours to meet with him because there wasn’t anything close to Bess that could provide them with the answers and help Riley needed.

“Well,” he began, “according to the information I have, you, Ms. Messersmith are named as Mr. Favreau’s emergency contact and Louis as the caseworker has requested that you be part of this meeting. Apparently ,Mr. Favreau lives with you, is that correct?”

“Yes.” Brenda answered. There was no sense in trying to explain their working and living arrangements to this man. It could lead to more questions. Questions she might not be able to answer. Mr. Hatchett opened the file he’d brought in with him from an adjoining room. Brenda was holding on to Louis’ hand so tightly that she worried she might be hurting him but when she looked over at him he seemed calm even relaxed.

 
“I’ve taken a look at Riley’s file. Sorry it took so long but, I had to wait for them to fax me his discharge papers.
 
Anyway, the news isn’t good.
 
The bottom line is that my hands are tied.
 
When you called me, Louis, I thought for sure I’d be able to do something for him given who he is.
 
But. . .”
 
he paused looking down at the stack of papers.

“What exactly is the problem with getting him help?” Brenda asked her voice sticking in her throat.

“ After I got the fax, I placed a call to the military hospital that received him after they sent him home.
 
While he was there they checked him over. They didn’t find anything wrong with him.” Brenda was stunned.
 

“What do you mean that they found nothing wrong with him? He tried to kill himself! They had no problem placing him into care at the previous hospital. I’m sure if you speak with his doctor there he can confirm his diagnosis. I mean,you can look at him and see that something is wrong with him, Mr. Hatchett.
 
You’re not going to tell me that the man strapped to that bed over at the hospital is okay, are you?”

“No, Ms. Messersmith. I’m not. But I’m not his psychiatrist or his physician and
 
Riley Favreau is not only a veteran he’s a civilian. That means I have to abide by state guidelines regarding both his private medical information and involuntary commitment. Unless he’s willing to check himself into the center and let us treat him there’s nothing I can do.” Brenda was furious. How could anyone say something like that after seeing what Riley had been through? She looked at Louis who sat next to her in silence.
Why don’t you say something?
He gave her hand a squeeze but said nothing.

“Of course, if you believe him to be a danger to himself or others you can certainly take it up with the county attorney.” Mr. Hatchett seemed sincere.

“The county attorney? I don’t understand. He’s not a criminal.” Brenda protested.

“I’m not suggesting he is, although given what happened to you recently there might be a difference of opinion on that, I’m merely stating what options the law allows.”

“Options? So there are more?”

“Only two really and you’ve already used the other when he had the episode in the barn and you called the police. They took him into ‘protective custody’. Unless you’re willing to press charges. If not, then it’s only a temporary solution. What he needs is long-term and that requires that a petition be filed in court or that he check himself in
voluntarily
.”
 
Brenda felt defeated. How could there only be TWO choices? She looked at Louis. She could hardly imagine going to the county attorney to file papers as if Riley were some common criminal. But she knew that given the choice Riley would
never
check himself in on his own. Her head was spinning. It seemed like a lost cause.