By Myself and Then Some (20 page)

I was such a single-minded person that I really did not understand there were other possibilities. If you were separated from someone you loved, how was it possible to derive pleasure from
anything?
How could you enjoy sports – a meal – other people? How was
anything
in life bearable away from your loved one? I had been super-charged the last several months – my first movie and all that went with it, compounded by falling in love. Every moment had been used – every part of me had been functioning – my mind, my make-believe self, my ambition, my romantic side or core – feelings of physical desire and pain that I had never known – a true awakening. I was beginning to leave girlhood behind, beginning (at last) to move toward womanhood.

Howard was really very happy with the film. And with the celluloid relationship between Bogie and me. Originally the script had involved an attraction between Bogie and the character Dolores Moran played. But halfway into the film Howard ran some of our scenes cut, showed them to Bogie, and with Bogie’s help had come to the conclusion that no audience would believe anyone or anything could come between Slim and Steve. So scenes were adjusted accordingly and all of mine made stronger and better. You can’t beat chemistry.

Howard was also happy with me, being sure the romance with Bogie had come to a close and that he was in control again. We didn’t discuss it in depth, Howard just said he was glad I had come to my senses – ‘You can have a good time and not throw your career away doing it.’ Bogie was a terrific actor, our scenes together had worked marvelously, he had always known they would. (And he had. How, I’ll never know – unfailing movie instinct, I guess.) But Bogie had been married to this hard-drinking, tough lady for a long time and he liked it. He certainly would never leave her.

The jury was still out on that one, but Howard could be right. In spite of everything I had told myself, everything Bogie had told me about life with Mayo, and all that had passed between us verbally and physically, I knew there was a chance Howard was right.

I had much to fill my days – more interviews, portrait sittings. Slim and I were photographed on Moraga Drive for
Harper’s Bazaar
. We had become good friends, although the shadow of Howard loomed large
for both of us. She had to live with him and I had to work for him, so I never talked freely about Bogie. She knew I was involved and instinctively felt that Bogie was, but, being more grown-up than I, thought it was just a love affair that time would take care of. She was very proud of me and protective of me. I could never really connect with Slim and Howard’s relationship. They seemed temperamentally different – Howard was clearly crazy about her, but, undemonstrative as he was, I never felt a sense of fun or sex between them.

About a week after the movie wrapped, I received my first letter from Bogie. He said how unhappy he was because I was not with him.

I mooned for days. Of course I couldn’t write him. I just hoped against hope to see him and had to wait for that phone to ring. It finally did. Bogie was in the Coast Guard during the war and was on duty once a week patrolling the shore. During the course of the night he would have a free hour, so we decided that I’d drive down, spend the hour with him, and drive back. It was the only time we could be sure of having together – far from ideal, but a damn sight better than nothing. So each week I’d drive down, most of the time with Carolyn, my devoted, patient, and understanding friend. The drive to Balboa took over two hours. I’d go to the gate – they’d tell Bogie I was there – we’d sit in his car, holding hands, talking, looking at each other, kissing. We’d exchange letters – I’d bring one down that he would read after I’d gone, and he’d give me one that I would read on the way home and twenty times after that. It was high adventure – very romantic, frustrating, and young. What any two people madly in love would do. Bogie’s letters were all on the same themes: how much he loved me – how terrified he was of my being hurt – how he wanted to protect me – how wonderful of me to take that long drive to see him for so short a time. A few examples.

And a week later:

And then:

One Saturday he had to be in town for a little while on business. So naturally he came to my apartment. We were together for just a couple of hours – my mother stayed away, which was really good of her considering the degree of her disapproval. Then the June 14 letter:

And he always cautioned me to stay away from the Hollywood folk – the ones who thrived on gossip and other people’s troubles. I had started so well on my career, and the more successful I became, the more people would try to latch on to me. Don’t ever do anything cheap – don’t ever hang around with people who do cheap things.

On July 5 the following communiqué was sent to the Warners staff on both coasts from their head of publicity, Charlie Einfeld:

I was not allowed to go to the first preview, but Charlie Feldman told me about it. It went fantastically well – all the audience-opinion cards were great. Howard was very happy – Warners were thrilled – and I would be a big hit. It would be almost a year before I understood what this meant. I didn’t know what a studio and its publicity department could do, plus a director of Howard’s stature who was totally behind me. Being a star to me only meant my name in lights. I was completely unaware of what publicity would bring.

They had a second preview about ten days later and Howard and Charlie took me to it. It is weird to see a movie that you’ve worked on
scene by scene all put together. First the opening titles and credits and the music. I was so nervous and so excited. I was uncomfortable watching and hearing myself, but seeing Bogie’s and my scenes together, I was able to relive all the moments we’d shared on the set – all the funny, silly things we’d done. And I knew how far the relationship had traveled by each scene. I could have spent weeks seeing the film over and over because it brought me close to Bogie again. But the audience reaction threw me – I had not expected so much laughter, so much sheer enjoyment, from strangers. It would have been wonderful if Bogie had been there with me to see and hear it all. Maybe one day we could see it together. I couldn’t wait to tell him about it.

After the preview I stood in the background with Charlie Feldman while Howard talked to Charlie Einfeld and some other Warner people and they looked at more opinion cards. Then Howard and Charlie F. took me for coffee and asked how I liked it. I told them as best I could. How could I help but love something that had changed my whole life – that had given me the chance to realize my dream of being an actress and had introduced me to the man I had fallen in love with, who had to be the best man who ever lived. It was a marvelous night. I felt really close to Howard, so relieved when he smiled, when he seemed satisfied. I wanted his approval, and when he gave it, I felt terrific. Charlie Feldman I always felt good with. He was a friend I could trust and talk to – but not about Bogie. I couldn’t talk about him to anyone but Carolyn yet.

The picture was going to be released in October. Until then I would do only what Howard and Warners, with Howard’s approval, wanted me to do. Warners owned half of my contract, but Howard had the final word about his discovery, and he still wanted me to keep a low profile. After the picture came out, I’d have enough to do. So again I found myself waiting for something to happen. Fortunately, my head was so full of my life with Bogie – living from phone call to phone call, from meeting to stolen meeting – that my career took a back seat. My focus was Bogie – I dreamed only of him, of our being together forever. I wanted to give him the fun he’d never had, the children he’d never had. I wanted to show him that it was all possible. I wanted to believe it myself.

At four one morning the phone rang. Bogie was a little drunk. ‘I’m walking back to town. Come and get me – I’ll be on Highway 101.’ My
mother thought I was completely mad when I started to get dressed. She was furious. ‘You can’t jump every time he calls. He’ll have no respect for you. Let him know that you won’t meet him any hour of the day or night. He’s taking advantage of you – it’s ridiculous.’ But I would not be stopped. It was raining, but I didn’t care. I was in love, I was on my way to meet my man – that’s all that mattered. I rushed to my car and started out. Pitch dark and me not a great driver and with no sense of direction. Somehow I found Highway 101 – I’d driven it often enough on my Coast Guard nights. My Plymouth was such a light car that in rain and heavy wind it would weave from side to side. How in hell was Bogie walking on a highway in this weather? I drove for more than an hour – it was beginning to get light. The rain finally let up. I kept hugging the right side of the road, looking frantically for Bogie. At last, as the sun rose, I caught sight of him – unshaven, wearing
espadrillas
, and with a large sunflower in his lapel. We were about a half-hour out of Newport – I don’t know how he’d got there. I slammed to a halt, rushed out of the car – there was no traffic – and into each other’s arms we fell. It was the funniest, craziest thing he’d done so far.

He was exhausted – directed me to drive to the O’Moores’ trailer. He’d called them and we were expected. It was a Sunday morning. I loved being with these friends of Bogie’s. There was no strain – we didn’t have to pretend anything. I had gotten to know Pat and Zell rather well – they were my lifeline to Bogie – I could ask how he was, what he was doing, what was happening – what did they think would happen – what about Mayo, what was he like with her, anything like he was with me? They were his friends, not hers. Zell had coffee made and we had a good leisurely breakfast. A friend who had the trailer next to theirs was away and had said they could use it, so Bogie could take a nap later on if he wanted to. He talked about his sister and how well she was doing – talked about his sailing. He had two small-class sailboats that he used to race in Newport all through the summer. Bogie loved sailing – everything about it. It made him feel so good to be on the water – painting, varnishing, anything to do with a boat was food to him, health. He talked about the fight he’d had with Mayo – he’d had to get out, couldn’t stand it anymore. After a while it was clear we wanted to be alone. We had to be. We had been sitting in dressing rooms, in automobiles, hiding for so long. We went to the trailer next
door. It was the first time we’d had complete privacy – no anxiety about phones or doorbells ringing – we could do or say anything we pleased – it was our nest – it was the most natural thing in the world – we were so happy – we were so in love – it was beautiful. I shall never forget that day.