Cake: A Love Story (27 page)

“It’s a long, boring story. You don’t want to hear it, trust me.”

This was what I was talking about. Little moments like this when I would ask a seemingly innocent question and it was met with resistance. “Actually I do. And who cares if it’s long? We have an eight hour drive.”

Jake sighed. It was obvious he didn’t want to talk about it. After a pause he finally said, “Okay so remember when I was that weird homeschooler?”

“Yes…but I was kidding about that,” I giggled.

“No you weren’t,” Jake grinned. “Anyway, I was obsessively practicing for hours and hours every day. I was playing the piano and the guitar. I was writing songs and singing. My mom kept telling me that I had a nice voice and that my songs were good enough to sell…but, you know, she’s my mom. She’s supposed to say shit like that. I wasn’t sure if she was just trying to boost my confidence or if I was actually somewhat good. The only way to find that out was to compare myself to others. So without telling my parents, I sent in a tape and was selected to perform in a talent competition in LA.”

“Why didn’t you tell your parents?”

“Because I didn’t want anyone that I knew to be in the audience just in case I really sucked and totally embarrassed myself.”

“Makes sense.”

“Yeah but, there was a problem with that logic,” Jake continued.

“What was the problem?”

“I was sixteen and couldn’t sign up for the competition without parental consent. So I went and got myself a fake ID, making myself eighteen. That way I was a legal adult.”

“Even though you weren’t.”

“Right, but that isn’t the point,” Jake smiled. “I also changed my name on the fake driver’s license to Jake Ryan.”

“Your middle name?”

“Yeah.”

“Jake Ryan is a way cooler rockstar name then Jake McKallister,” I teased. “Just saying.”

“I know. It was totally cool. I wish I could have kept it,” Jake laughed.

“Why didn’t you?”

“Well I’m trying to tell you. Stop interrupting,” Jake grinned. “I warned you it was a long boring story.”

“Sorry. Go on.”

“Anyway, I performed in the competition and, as it turns out, there was a music scout in the audience. He came up to me after the show and asked me to come to the studio to sing that same song for his boss. I few days later I went to the studio and performed and was offered a contract. And I signed it as eighteen-year-old Jake Ryan.”

“Isn’t that a federal offense?” I joked.

“I don’t know, probably,” Jake shrugged.

“And your parents didn’t know?”

“No. They had no idea.”

“Wait, how were you getting to LA by yourself?”

“I drove. I was sixteen. I had a driver’s license. The studio was only a 45 minute drive from my house.”

“Oh okay.”

“So anyway…Jesus Christ you interrupt a lot,” Jake teased.

“I know. I’ll try to shut up,” I grinned.

“Thank you. So anyway,” he exaggerated the ‘anyway’, “I guess the music label does a routine background check on all their artists. They took my fingerprints. I didn’t think I was in the system but apparently I was, so about three weeks later, while I was in the studio laying my first tracks, the results came through. Not only did they find out I was not 18 but they also figured out who I really was.”

My eyes grew large with surprise. Okay this story was getting good. “What happened? Were they mad?”

“Furious! The producer and the studio lawyer drove me back to my house. They informed my parents what I’d done and told them to be prepared for a lawsuit.”

“How did your parents react?”

“Obviously they weren’t real happy with me,” Jake shrugged.

“I bet. So what happened? Did you get sued?”

Jake gave me a look like I was interrupting again but then he grinned.

“Sorry. You know I can’t keep my mouth shut,” I laughed.

“I know. You just can’t help yourself.”

“Seriously. I can’t,” I giggled.

“Okay, so, we didn’t hear from the studio for about two weeks and we thought maybe they forgot about suing me but then we were called in to the record company and met with the head honcho…the CEO of the record company. He said he’d listened to a couple of my tracks and had been impressed. He then pulls out a new contract all ready for my parents to sign.”

“Well that was good, right?”

“No because the asshole didn’t care if I could sing. Offering me that contract had nothing to do with my talent, or lack thereof. He was just smart enough to realize that he could make money off of who I was. Basically his intentions were to exploit my past in order to sell albums. I saw right through him and flat out fucking refused to take his offer. But a couple weeks later we got a big envelope in the mail. All that was written on the cover letter was ‘choose.’ One set of papers was a declaration of intention to sue and the other was the record contract.”

“No way!” I said shaking my head in disbelief. “You were blackmailed, Jake.”

“Oh trust me, we knew that. But my options were limited. I either signed with them as Jake McKallister or I went to court as Jake McKallister. Either way I was going to be paraded through the media again. In the end I chose what I thought was the lesser of two evils,” Jake said shaking his head.

“What you thought?”

“Yeah, those people made my life miserable.”

“So…I mean, you were basically forced into this life.”

Jake nodded. I couldn’t read his expression but he seemed subdued.

“You’re probably the biggest rockstar in the world and you never even wanted to be one?”

Jake stared at me, and then shrugged, “No, I wanted to be one. That was, like, my dream when I was little but I just didn’t want it the way it was being offered to me. I’d finally faded out of the public eye so the last thing I wanted was to be stared at again like some circus freak.”

I nodded. “But you had no choice?”

“No. I mean I did it to myself by lying and then signing that contract in the first place. But I was just a dumb kid. They took advantage of that.”

“That is really terrible Jake. I’m sorry that happened to you.”

Jake glowered at me a second and then said, with some edge in his voice, “I didn’t tell you that so you’d feel sorry for me Casey.”

“And I wasn’t feeling sorry for you Jake,” I responded with the same edge. “I was pissed that some asshole CEO blackmailed you into doing something you didn’t want to do. There is a difference.”

Jake stared at me for a long, uncomfortable moment then his shoulders drooped and he said, “I just really don’t like pity.”

“And I’ve never pitied you,” I said, trying to control my annoyance. “It pisses me off that you’d even think that. You see how I look at you so don’t insult me.”

Jake raised his eyebrows, surprised at my burst of anger.

“Asshole,” I couldn’t help but add.

A smile spread slowly across Jake’s face.

“I swear to God, Jake, if you laugh at me, I’ll hitchhike home.”

“To America?” He grinned.

I gave him a dirty look but I could feel the anger melt away. Jake’s smile just slayed me.

“I’m sorry Casey. I was an asshole. You were right. You’re always right.”

“And it would be wise for you to remember that.”

He smiled. I smiled back.

“You’re a jerk sometimes,” I stated.

“I know.”

He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms and attacked my neck in kisses.

“Forgive me,” he said, kissing me for real this time.

When our hot kiss ended I asked, “Was I mad at you?”

Jake laughed.

“So did you win?”

“Win what?” Jake asked confused.

“The talent competition…did you win?”

“Oh,” Jake said, shaking his head. “No. I came in third.”

“Third?” I laughed. “God, what a loser! I mean you weren’t even second best.”

Jake laughed. The tension was completely gone.

“Are you still with that studio?”

“No as soon as my contract expired I got myself a nice, new contract with their biggest competitor,” Jake smiled.

I laughed. “Nice. What happened after you signed with the first studio?”

“I recorded my album and when it was released three months later, the studio basically promoted me as “look at the poor kidnapped boy! Isn’t that cute? He’s trying to sing.” It kills me to say this but that guy was right. The publicity stunt worked. People were curious. Interest was high. My songs started playing on the radio and then they started selling. I probably wouldn’t be where I am today if they hadn’t used the kidnapping as a marketing tool. But I still think it was a shitty thing to do.”

“Yeah, I agree.”

“And you told me that you went on tour by yourself.”

“Yeah, I did. When my album started selling, the studio hastily threw a tour together. My parents couldn’t figure out a way to travel with me without losing the house so the studio convinced them to let me go with Steve, my assigned guardian. He was supposed to be like a make-shift parent, you know, and oversee my homework and make sure I ate and slept and got to the shows on time. But Steve was basically the opposite of that. His only concern was getting me to each performance. He didn’t give a shit about my homework or if I ate or slept. I heard him, on several occasions, brag about getting paid to be my babysitter but really he was just getting paid to party. The studio also hired a group of guys to be my band and they were all way older than me and hated playing backup for a kid they considered to be just a novelty act. To make matters worse, I was travelling the country on a tour bus with a bunch of guys who regularly drank, did hard drugs and routinely brought skanky hookers back into our cramped living quarters. I would be, like, lying in my bunk trying to tune it all out but, I mean, it was like a frickin’ brothel in the bus. And Steve was as bad as the rest of them. It was a really bad situation for anyone, much less a sixteen-year-old.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone? Your parents?”

“I wasn’t close with my family.”

“You weren’t? Why?”

“It was complicated back then…and, I don’t know, I guess I just kind of felt like I deserved the misery.”

I grabbed his hand and shook my head. I wanted to show him sympathy but I didn’t want him to confuse it with pity. “I wish I’d been there for you.”

“I’m glad you weren’t there. You wouldn’t have liked me much back then.”

“Yes I would have.”

“No, Casey, you wouldn’t have. I promise you. I was so fucked up.”

“So how did you get from there to here?”

Jake stared at me for a second then looked away. He avoided my question by saying, “It wasn’t all terrible on that first tour though. At least I had Lassen.”

“Lassen drove for you back then?” I asked in surprise.

“Yeah. He and I were the only two sober ones on the bus. I spent most of my time up front with him. He became my guardian and watched over me and protected me. Without him I don’t know if I would have made it, honestly.”

“Huh. Wow,” I said, shaking my head. I had a whole new respect for Bob Lassen.

Chapter Twenty

Jake

One month Casey and I had been traveling through Europe together and it was, hands down, the best time of my life. I was in love with a beautiful woman. Casey was everything I could ever have asked for. But just as I knew it would, reality had finally caught up to me. My life was quickly spiraling out of control. I was trying hard to hold it all together but the pain, at times, was unreal, like jagged knives stabbing into my knee. And as my knee swelled to twice its size, so did my anger and hate. I was powerless to stop the demons surging through my body and soul. Ray was everywhere. His evilness invaded me. I was slipping back into Hell.

I was losing her. Day by day I could feel her slipping through my fingers. Soon she would be gone and I would have no one but myself to blame. If I couldn’t make it work with Casey, I would never be able to make it work with anyone. The realization that I was doomed to a life of loneliness hurt more than I thought it would. Now that I had a taste of what love was, I knew how much I would miss it.

Two times in the last week I’d experienced flashbacks during sex. The first one came after her hand ran down my back in a way that made my body revolt in panicked horror. All the sudden, it was not Casey in bed with me. I gasped in shock and pulled away violently. She apologized profusely, assuming she’d accidentally brushed up against my knee. I didn’t correct her. How could I explain to her that, for a brief moment, she’d become my rapist?

After that I tried to avoid intimacy with her. But Casey didn’t understand what was happening to me. My excuses would only hold for so long. Last night when she initiated sex in the most erotic strip tease ever, I couldn’t control myself. I loved her. My body wanted to be with her. I gave in to her need…to my need. I kept telling myself it was going to be okay but I was too much in my head. Too worried about another visit from the demon. And Ray did not disappoint. You like that, don’t you, boy?

This time I jumped from the bed angrily. I fucking hate it! I wanted to scream at him. I was shaking with uncontrolled fury. I hate it! I fucking hate you! My fists were clenched. My face was contorted with vengeful rage.

Upon seeing Casey’s horrified face, I battled my way out of the flashback. Shame filled my soul. I was not worthy of her. Tears filled her eyes. Casey finally understood that more was happening than just my knee.

“What was that?” she questioned, looking dismayed.

I didn’t answer her as I pulled my pants back on.

“Jake. Please. What’s happening? Just talk to me.”

I shook my head, too furious with myself to even come up with a plausible explanation.

“Did you…did you just have a flashback?” She asked.

Her question floored me. How? How did she know?

“What do you know about flashbacks?” I spat out.

“Just what I learned in Psychology class.”

I looked at her. Psychology class? “Casey, you have no frickin’ clue what you’re dealing with?”

“So tell me.”

I laughed, bitterly.

“Jake, I feel you pulling away. I want to…”

“What? You want to help me? Is that what you want?”

“I…yes. Is that so bad?”

“It’s not bad. It’s just not going to happen.”

“Why not? When the flashbacks come tell me what to do.”

“I can’t predict them Casey.”

“But there is something that triggers it.”

I looked at her and shook my head.

“You know what triggers it, Jake. I can tell you do, but you won’t tell me,” Casey said, her voice cracking. Tears were now rolling down her face. “Why now? You weren’t having them before?”

“I’ve had them before. I just haven’t had them with you.”

“So what has changed? Is it the pain? I can see how much pain you’re in Jake. It’s getting worse.”

I sighed and drooped my shoulders. “This is who I am, Casey. That guy you met? That was me pretending to be the guy I wanted to be. I’m a fucked up piece of shit. I have nothing to offer you. This is it!”

Casey didn’t say anything for a long time. She got dressed. I stood there. Finally she uttered, “How convenient.”

“What?”

“I said…how convenient,” she repeated, but now there was edge to her voice.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You tell me you don’t like being pitied but, when it’s convenient for you, look at you playing the pity card.”

I didn’t respond. She wasn’t wrong.

“Don’t try to get me to feel sorry for you, Jake McKallister. I won’t. I know who you are and to suggest that I don’t is just insulting. This isn’t who you are. This is you in pain. This is you afraid. You’re giving up on us because it’s easier for you to call it quits than to face the things that torture you. I won’t give up on you as easily as you’re giving up on me!” Casey cried, then stomped out of the room.