Captive (22 page)

Melody shrugged, still looking up at him as she considered. “I think she just went to bed one night and when she woke up it was in there.”

“Wow. What do you think it’s gonna look like when it comes out?”

“It’ll be small, but kind of big, with hair, and … it’s kind of like an alien,” she said. Ryke grinned at her, amusement making his eyes sparkle.

“You think it’ll cry all the time?” he asked.

“Yeah, but if you give babies a bottle, or change their diaper, it makes them stop crying.” Melody’s expression was a little less solemn than usual, and I knew she felt important telling Ryke about something she thought he needed to know.

He wrinkled his face and pulled back, his eyes wide. “Change their diaper? You don’t think I’m doing that, do you? I thought you could come over and do that for us.”

Melody’s smile warmed me from head to toe. It was rare to see her look carefree.

“I could,” she said. “I had a doll once and you had to change her diaper and I did but it was really hard and I had to use tape on it.”

“Hey, whatever works.”

“Are you gonna be the baby’s daddy when it comes out?”

“I will, yeah. Kate’s my wife, so that means I get to be the daddy of her babies.”

“Do you like kids?”

A flicker of emotion crossed Ryke’s face before he spoke. “Yeah, I do. Especially smart ones like you.”

I knew by the adoring shine in her eyes that Melody was a goner for my husband, like all other females. “Have girls ever played hockey?” she asked.

“Hell yes they have! I mean,
heck
yes. Don’t tell Kate I said hell, okay?”

“I won’t.”

“Pinky swear.” He held out his little finger and she hooked her small one around it, smiling. It was clear she thought he hung the moon. But who could blame her?

The rich, meaty aroma of marinara sauce made my stomach growl appreciatively as soon as I arrived home.

“Hey,” I said to Kate when I walked into the kitchen. She was standing over the stove cutting up bread on a baking sheet.

“Hi,” she said, glancing up with a smile. She was wearing the checkered apron Mimi usually had on when she was cooking. My gaze was drawn to the slight, rounded swell of her stomach. I wanted to drop to my knees and get closer to it, maybe rub it and even talk to the growing baby inside. The guys on the team would give me hell if they knew what a sap I’d become.

But I didn’t give in to my urge, because I knew it would make Kate uncomfortable. She smiled and said all the right things when our friends or family noticed she was pregnant and commented. But we didn’t talk about it when we were alone. She told me when the doctor’s appointments were and I went with her when I was home, but otherwise life in our house continued as though we weren’t expecting a child.

“Did Mimi make lasagna?” I asked, glancing up so she wouldn’t catch me staring at her stomach.

“Actually, I made it.”

I broke out in a grin and wrapped my arms around her from behind. Her back fit against my chest just right. When I pressed my nose into her hair, the light island scent I could never get enough of made my cock stiffen slightly.

“You fishing for a favor, baby?” I teased. Her body tightened defensively.

“What, because I cooked?”

“Yeah, you never cook. That’s what we’ve got Mimi for.”

“Well, I just wanted to. You were so sweet to Melody today.”

I reached for a small piece of bread and put it in my mouth. “She’s a great kid.”

“She is.” Kate turned to meet my eyes. “She loves to read and she plays with her dolls for hours at a time. Melody’s not … she doesn’t expect much, which is sad. But she had it bad, that’s why she’s in foster care.”

Her big brown eyes were imploring, and I was about to ask what was up when the timer on the stove sounded.

“The lasagna’s ready,” she said, turning and reaching for a pot holder.

“I’ll get it,” I said. “You sit down and have some—” I was planning on saying ‘wine’ but caught myself. “—water or something.”

She took a seat at the table and sighed. “How was the rest of your day?”

“Good. Did you get anything done on the youth hockey thing with the foundation?”

When she didn’t respond, I looked up from the pan of lasagna to her. She exhaled loudly and I could see she was deep in thought. I tossed the dishtowel in my hand on the counter and walked over to sit down next to her.

“Hey, what’s up? You look worried. Everything’s okay with the baby, isn’t it?”

She wrinkled her brows with surprise. “As far as I know. I’m not worried, I’m … nervous. Or maybe I am worried, I don’t know.”

“About what?” I leaned forward to get a little closer to her. “What the hell is up, Kate? You’re worrying me.”

She reached for my hand and clutched it tightly. “No, don’t worry. Everything’s fine. I’m just afraid you’ll say no.”

“No to what?”

She added her other hand to the one that was already squeezing mine, sandwiching my big one between her smaller ones. “I want us to adopt Melody.”

My surprise must’ve registered on my face, because she clung to my hand like a lifeline. “I know. You’re thinking it’s sudden, and it’s a huge deal, and you’re wondering if it’s just to somehow make up for not getting to adopt a baby—”

“No.” I cut her off, rubbing one of her shoulders with my free hand. “I wasn’t thinking any of that, baby. I just … wasn’t expecting it, is all. But, uh …”

“You don’t have to decide right now. Will you think about it, though?” Her huge, pleading eyes and tight hold on my hand wrenched at my heart.

“Hey, will you relax?” I squeezed her tight shoulder. “This is you and me, Kate, you don’t ever need to be nervous with me.”

“I know.” Her shoulders dropped. “It’s just … I don’t want you to say yes just because it would make me happy because this is a big thing and I get that. And she’s had it rough. She’s been traumatized and still has a lot to work through. But I don’t want you to say no, because … I love her. I want to be her mom so bad, Ryke.”

My throat tightened from her emotional tone. I’d started to wonder if Kate had closed her maternal side down to protect herself from getting hurt again and it felt so fucking good to see it was still there. But protecting her from hurt was still on my mind.

“Would there be any chance of her parents coming back on us and trying to get her back later?”

“No, they’re dead,” she said, shaking her head. “It was a murder-suicide. She was there when it happened.”

“Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with people? Who does that with their own kid there?”

“It’s awful. She was neglected before that, too. So it’s not like adopting a baby would’ve been. It might not be an easy road, but Ryke, I want her so much. I started thinking about it early on in our sessions together. And then when I saw you with her today—”

Her voice caught in her throat and she stopped, taking a deep breath. When she blinked, tears spilled onto her cheeks and she reached up to wipe them away with her fingertips.

I got up from my chair and crouched in front of her, wrapping my hands around her waist. “I think we should do it. We want a family, and she needs one. It’s kinda meant to be, don’t you think?”

Her face twisted with emotion and she started crying harder. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” I’d barely gotten the word out before she threw her arms around my neck.

“I love you,” she said in my ear.

I hoped she didn’t think I said yes just to make her happy. As soon as I heard about the hell Melody had been through, I knew immediately she was meant for us. I had no experience being a dad, but I could learn. I’d do my best to show her how a real man treated his wife and kid.

I’d been so wrapped up in the house I was looking at with our realtor that I lost track of time, and now I was running late to the Tuesday night group I was leading. I parked in the hospital lot and ran to the conference room.

Everyone was talking and eating cookies when I walked in. I swiped one from the plate Rose held out and smiled at her.

“Sorry I’m late, guys,” I said, looking for an open seat.

“Oh!” A woman I’d never met was grinning from ear to ear as she looked at me. “When are you due?”

“Uh …” Heat rushed to my cheeks. Even though I was visibly pregnant now, the people in the group pretended my flowy cardigans concealed it and never brought it up. “December.”

“That’s a very personal question,” Rose said sharply to the new woman. Her smile dropped away.

“No, it’s really not,” I said, sitting down on an empty metal folding chair. “It’s okay.”

“Kate, it’s your business,” Carlos said. “We never talk about things here unless someone brings it up themselves.”

“I know, but …” I looked at the new woman, who was covering her face with a hand. “Hey, it’s okay. What’s your name?”

“Marcy. And I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean …”

“No, you’re fine,” I said. “Some of the people here met me when I joined this group because I lost a baby halfway through the pregnancy. And then … I’ve never talked about this, but I had a miscarriage a couple months before I got pregnant this time.”

“Kate!” Rose cried. Her expression was hurt. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I just … wasn’t ready.”

“That’s her choice, Rose,” Carlos said.

“I know, but … this is a safe place where we all understand,” Rose said.

“I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant and lose your baby,” Carlos countered. “Do you?”

“Well, not exactly, no … but we’ve all lost someone.”

“We don’t judge here, remember?” Carlos turned to me. “Kate, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing it with us.”

“Me, too,” Rose said quickly. “Carlos is right. I’m sorry. And Marcy, I apologize to you, too.”

“I shouldn’t have opened my mouth like that,” Marcy said, waving a hand.

“No more apologies,” I said firmly. “We’re all here to support each other. I think part of what’s going on with me is … Ryke and I didn’t plan this pregnancy. I was still hurting from the miscarriage when I found out I was pregnant again. I’ve had so many feelings these past months and I’m ashamed to admit none of them have been positive.”

“Oh, Kate.” The corners of Rose’s lips were turned down in a sympathetic frown. “It has to be so hard.”

“There’s a nonstop flow of negative thoughts topped off with guilt over the negative thoughts,” I said, shaking my head.

“It’s like a lead weight was just lifted from my shoulders because you said that,” Marcy said, her voice breaking with emotion. “I came here tonight because my son killed himself ten months ago. My heart’s broken, and it always will be. But what …”

She twisted her hands in her lap and a few seconds of silence passed.

“Whatever it is, it’s okay to say it,” I said softly. When she looked at me, the purple circles under her eyes told me this woman was in deep pain.

“What keeps me up at night is how horrible I feel that I’m angry about it,” she said. “John was sick. He had a mental illness. Being mad at him is selfish.”

“Sweetie, I was mad at my husband when he died of a heart attack,” Rose said with a bitter laugh. “He probably had a good chuckle from beyond the grave over that.”

“But it seems so horrible.” Marcy wiped her cheeks off. “He was so sick he didn’t feel like he could even go on, and I’m mad at him?”

“You know, some people say grief is like an ocean,” I said. “I think that’s true. It’s deep and dark and bigger than you can even wrap your mind around. It takes you to places that are scary and unknown. But none of it is wrong. If feeling angry right now helps you get out of bed in the morning and go on, then feel it. It won’t last forever.”

“But the guilt will,” Marcy said, a new wave of tears spilling over. “I’ll never stop asking myself why I didn’t see the signs. I could’ve stopped it, and I didn’t.”

“That’s a very normal way to feel,” I said. “Self-blame is something a lot of survivors struggle with. But the fact that you’re here tonight tells me you want to move forward. Life is never the same, but there is still life. Sharing our dark feelings here with others who’ve had their own dark feelings can be a powerful catharsis. Me, for instance. I’m not excited about this baby. I don’t rub my tummy and talk to it. I don’t dream up names for it. I just wait, with this secret, poisonous sense that I’m not capable of carrying a baby to term. That it’s only a matter of time.” I shook my head. “I’m glad it’s a small group tonight, because I’m not being a very good leader.”