Carter (5 page)

What was wrong with me?

“Good night, Leah,” he then said casually.

“Good night,” I whispered half-heartedly, my heart torn straight out of my chest.

And just like that, everything was back to normal again.                           

The kiss was forgotten. Our days resumed. And for the next couple years, I watched from afar the countless girls that came and went, brief interruptions in our best friend paradigm that would have the masses face palming at once. Rome would tell me I was an idiot, and I would agree.

At least I was an idiot on purpose.

Carter

Twist me up with jealousy
Make my imagination run away from me
until the daggers of our twisted reality
ravage me internally.

And I’ve fallen away, fallen away from
everything
And I’m too numb, too numb
to feel the pain when I sing.

I knock back tonight’s countless drink
Torn apart by your need
to drive my sanity to its brink.
I’ve fallen into madness
and you’re too far gone to care.

And I’ve fallen away, fallen away from
everything
And I’m too numb, too numb
to feel the pain when I sing.

*

Want in her eyes. The way her breathing hitched when I neared her.

Lips parted. Her eyes widened.

I should never have kissed her.

That was the second strike against me.

2005
16 years old

“There’s a party this Friday,” Rome said, taking a huge bite out of his poutine.

I looked up from my History assignment – the same damn assignment that was due next period after lunch was over. Procrastination was a bitch, and I never learned.

“Okay?” I replied to him, uncaringly.

He looked sideways at me, his green eyes shimmering with mischief. “So, we should go. It’s at Tiffany’s house. Tiffany’s a bitch, but she has a pool.”

I looked across the cafeteria and at said bitch, who was currently twirling her abnormally shiny bronze hair and giggling to Carter and his friends. She was a piece of work, apparently. Had screwed half the guys in her grade and Carter was actually giving her his time of day. Didn’t he know she was behind most of the rumours spread about me?

Her clique was leaning over their table, listening in with bright eyes and make-up caked faces. No food, per usual. Eating air was somehow filling.

As if sensing me, Carter turned away from her and met my gaze. My heart skipped a beat, especially when he grinned at me – it was a smile reserved specifically for me – and it sent my body haywire with warm tingles.

I forced myself to look away and back into Rome’s eyes. “I’m not interested.”

He sighed and leaned back in his chair, and my gaze automatically roamed down his torso. He was filling out a bit, and in return a lot more girls were taking interest. Which made me wonder…

“You’re doing this to get laid,” I noted, shaking my head at him. “I should’ve known it.”

His face fell. “Hell no, I’m not. I just want to experience the high school life, Leah.”

“I don’t believe you. What girl has caught your attention? Is it Amy Davis? She’s a cheater, you know. Screwed a guy in the boy’s restroom and got caught by the vice principal. Everyone’s calling her Toilet Ho.”

“Amy? Hell to the no. I’m not thinking about sex right now. Jesus, you have a dirty mind.”

“When you live with a whore, it’s hard not to.”

He frowned, ignoring my comment entirely. “Shut up for a second, alright? I’m thinking about going to a party because I think it’ll be good for the two of us. We don’t have to be losers walking the halls anymore. It’s like we have the plague.”

I put a hand over my heart. “You wound me,” I sarcastically replied. “I love being a loser, and I love the plague we’re carrying because it keeps bitches like Tiffany and her cheap posse off my back.”

He sneered. “They talk shit about you all the time.”

“Yeah,
behind
my back. Bitches know if they said it to face, they’ll have theirs torn off.”

I learned very quickly that being nasty was the only way to avoid being walked all over. You cower from a bully and they thrive. You stand up for yourself, and you’ve got at least a shot. Nobody wants to pick on someone if it’s hard work.

He glowered at me for a few minutes, and I scribbled some more notes down about Ancient Egypt. Because apparently I had to give a flying shit about mummies and pyramids.

On that note, the fuck were they thinking with the whole Canopic jars shit? No, just no, that was
not
cool.

“Shit,” Rome then muttered. “Asshole coming your way, Leah.”

Before I could respond, I heard a familiar voice go, “Hey, Leah.”

I stiffened.

This was a voice I didn’t want to be hearing directed at me.

“Leah, Leah,” he repeated, chuckling.

I sighed, ignoring James, some douchebag in my math class, as he leaned over me and threw a five dollar bill on my assignment. I smelled his cheap cologne as he brought his mouth to my ear and said, “Graeme said you’re into some… extracurricular activities.”

Fucking Graeme. Still being a dick.

I heard laughter behind James, no doubt coming from his gallant buds.

I pushed the bill off my assignment and resumed writing. My anger simmered, but I bit down on my violent urge to stick the tip of my pencil in his eye.

“Was wondering how we should do this exchange?” he went on. “Does five cover kisses and…
handy
activities? And how much more might involve that sweet mouth of yours?”

“Fuck off, James,” Rome growled out.

“Not talking to you, asshole,” James retorted. “And you talk back at me one more time and I’ll have my boys take care of that fucking mouth of yours.”

I looked up from my assignment and shot Rome a look, warning him not to egg these bastards on. The last thing I needed was for his face to be painted in bruises. I slowly shook my head at him, and he glowered back, knowing damn well I was right.

“So how about it?” James asked me, and I could hear the smirk in those words.

This was not where I thought my afternoon would be going. I looked pitifully at my assignment. I’d get maybe a B - B+ if I was lucky handing it in the way it was. Because of James, my A streak was going to be broken.

Motherfucking James.

“Not gonna answer?” he pressed. “Or do you use your body to do that too?”

I took a deep breath and finally stood up.

James chuckled in surprise and took a step back as I turned to him. I took hold of the bill and stared down at it for a moment before I looked back up at him. The asshole wasn’t all that taller than me, and he wasn’t all that meaty either. I glanced from his head down to this shoes, and took a step closer to him.

He stood his ground, his eyes growing a little wider, like he thought he had me. Nearing him until I was close to being flushed against the length of him, I trailed my finger down his torso slowly, smiling flirtatiously at him. He didn’t expect that, and the lust that suddenly stirred in the depths of his eyes was laughable. When my hand reached his jeans, I quickly grabbed his balls with my hand and squeezed.

I squeezed
hard
. Harder than anything I’d ever squeezed before.

Leaning into him as he shrieked suddenly from the move, I waved the bill in front of his face and told him, “You must think I’m trying to charge by the inch, in which case I think you’ve overpaid.”

I threw the bill in his face and let go of him. He crumbled to the ground, grabbing at his junk and wheezing. His friends laughed down at him, their hands over their mouths like they were trying to stifle their sounds.

“You’re a fucking dead bitch!” he screamed up at me, silencing the cafeteria. “Dead, Leah! I know where you live, you little trailer trash slut!”

I tried to stand my ground. Tried my absolute hardest not to show him I was shaking from adrenaline this confrontation had stirred. I turned away and went to grab my notebook when I heard him howling again. I whipped my face in his direction and gasped at Carter bent over him, grabbing a fistful of his hair.

“What did you just call her?” he growled. “Did you just threaten her life, you stupid piece of shit?
I’m
going to fucking kill you now, motherfucker!”

The ass kicking James received after that would roam the hallways for over a year. It would keep every guy that ever thought of humiliating me away in fear of the same fate. Carter beat him to the ground, drawing blood, looking like a homicidal maniac. All the while, he ordered James to apologize to me, and James did.

Dozens of times.

I remember just standing there, watching every moment unfold, as the students around us screamed or laughed or ran in search of a teacher. I was horrified yet I couldn’t look away. Even Rome was trying to pull me away, telling me repeatedly to leave the cafeteria. I shook him off, and was rooted there, watching until the very last second.

Carter got five good minutes in before three teachers descended upon him and tore him off of James. They dragged him out of the cafeteria, and I would later be called down to the office to discuss what had gone on with a very baffled Principal. I told the Principal everything, and he was dismayed by our actions.

I didn’t get into trouble, but Carter was suspended for two weeks.

Honestly, I don’t know how he didn’t get expelled.

*

Russell had received a phone call from the school about the incident, and the second I stepped foot inside the trailer, he lost it with me. My body seized up as he came bounding to me, that stark look of anger on his face.

“You think you can just assault someone because they hurt your fucking feelings?!” he shouted, grabbing me roughly by the arm and leading me to the bedroom. “Do you have any fucking idea what could have been at risk?! They could be suspicious of us, Leah! They might send people around just to make sure you’re not learning this shit from somebody at home! How the fuck could you be so selfish?”

He shoved me inside and I landed on my single bed. I sat up and looked away from him as he paced the small space, his hands on his hips.

“It’s that fucking kid again, isn’t he?” he went on, pointing to the window. “You don’t fucking think I know you spend every minute with him? You think I’m unaware of your sneaking out of here when you think I’m passed out? I’m not a fucking idiot, Leah!”

I didn’t say a word. I stared down at the floor and tried to breathe calmly. He was frightening when he got angry. It was like waiting for thunder during a storm; you knew it was coming, you knew it would make you jump, but you couldn’t know when it was going to erupt.

That was Russell in a nutshell. He was angry, and he exploded at random moments, causing you to jump and clench your chest as your heart raced inside of it. My anxiety was through the roof and an apology was at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t push it out.

I didn’t regret standing up to James. I wasn’t going to apologize for grabbing his balls. He deserved to have them ripped out if it had been up to me. I couldn’t lie to Russell right now and tell him I wouldn’t do it again. I’d do it a thousand times if I had to.

“You learning that violence from him?” he questioned, but I had no time to answer because he was a freight train, moving through the conversation without waiting for a response. “He’s a fucking nobody! A kid with mommy issues and a piece of shit father that can’t even control his own son!”

The second he started talking trash about Carter, I felt my body go rigid. My anger returned and I glared up at him.

“You’re the last person to preach about parenting!” I shouted back so suddenly, I hadn’t even thought of saying it.

He went still, his face looking down at me with pure disbelief. I sat, rattled and afraid. He took a quick step to me and it happened too fast to see it coming. He backhanded me across the face and my head thrashed to the left. My brain felt like it’d been shaken, and the muscle along the left side of my neck was sore. My cheek stung badly, and I had to blink back tears.

“How’s that for parenting?” he growled out. “You’re done with that boy. I ever see you around him, and that hit will be hell of a lot worse!”

He left the room and slammed the door shut.

I stretched open my mouth, trying to work my jaw. The hit felt like it’d stunned my entire head and I didn’t know what was working and what wasn’t.

I’d never been struck before by Russell, and I realized I wasn’t so immune to his punishments after all.

Still, I didn’t regret anything.

Not even a minute later and he had turned his aggression on Cheryl. I heard her cries and I closed my eyes and covered my ears to muffle it out.

*

The first day of Carter’s suspension came after a weekend. I was walking to the bus stop early morning and found him there, sitting on the bench, looking down at his hands. While my heart did its usual squeeze, I frowned. I hadn’t spoken to him since the incident. In fact, I was purposely dodging him. It wasn’t just because of Russell.

He looked up as I neared, and immediately his flat face turned serious as he haughtily said, “You haven’t been at my window, Leah.”

I stopped beside him, not bothering to sit down even though there was enough space to fill two more people. I just shrugged and neared the bus sign, looking out into the streets.

“Why are you mad at me?” he demanded suddenly. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Why are you here?” I returned with instead. “You’re suspended from school.”

“Who says I’m going to school?”

I looked over my shoulder and at his sudden mischievous grin. “Where are you going?”

“How about you skip class and come see?”

“I don’t want to.”

He stood up and walked to me. I looked back at the street and hoped to see a bus come bounding down it ASAP. I felt his front against my back, and I swallowed hard. It wasn’t fair he could make me feel like this. I’d turn it off if I could. I wished I could look at him like I looked at all the other guys.

“What is it?” he asked, worriedly. “Tell me, Leah. Please.”

I moved away from him, trying to gain distance so I could think straight. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” he pressed. “Just tell me what the hell is wrong! You haven’t said a word to me since I fucking tore that dick to pieces for you –”