Carter (The Harlow Brothers Book 1) (24 page)

Which is why I’m sitting at my usual booth at the Waffle House with Caden and Cason. I need to see her, and I can’t stand the distance any longer. “Are you sure this is such a good idea, Carter?” Caden asks. I rub the back of my neck hoping this wasn’t a mistake. “I mean she hasn’t even noticed we’re here yet and the last time I talked to her, she wasn’t keen on the idea of talking let alone seeing you.”

He has a valid point, but I’m willing to risk it. “I have to see her. I can’t wait any longer.”

Caden shrugs as Cason says, “I have to agree with dipshit on this one. I don’t think she’s ready yet, Carter.”

I clench my jaw not liking how both my brothers are against me seeing her. I look at both of them, seeing a worried expression written all over their faces. They have every right to be concerned, but dammit if I care. “One day, y’all will understand why I’m doing what I am. She slipped away from me once, and there’s not a chance I’m going to let it happen again.” They don’t comment, and I’m glad for it. I need their support even if this turns out to be a shit move.

As if I can feel her presence, I look up and see her at a table not far from ours taking an order. I gaze at her willing her to glance my way. She quickly finishes taking the older couples order, and when she starts to move away from their table, she looks directly at me. She frowns then drops her head. I can tell she’s not happy to see me, and as she walks towards our booth, I see her hand clenching at her side. She doesn’t even look at me as she takes Caden and Cason’s order. I start to tell her what I’d like, but she doesn’t give me the chance. “I know what you want.”

I sigh and drop my head as she storms off. I shake my head when Caden says, “I told you so.”

“Could you not be an asshole right now?” I look up and tell Caden.

“I’m sorry, man. We told you she wasn’t ready.”

“I know, Caden.” Cason backhands him on the shoulder, and they glare at each other. I search for Shelby as they start with their twin bond. I rest my hands under my chin as I watch her behind the counter filling drink orders, and bringing customers their food. She seems fine on the outside, but I know she’s anything but that. She smiles and talks to her customers, but I can tell it’s fake. Her entire body seems tense, and I watch her clench her jaw more than once. I have to admit, she’s got the pretending part down, and I wonder how she managed to hone that skill so well. Before I fucked up years ago, Shelby wore her emotions on her sleeve. They were visible to anyone paying attention, but I always knew when something was bothering her, or if something was wrong. Like now. I can just sense it. It’s as if my soul is connected to hers, and whenever she needs me, even if she doesn’t see it, I just … know. I might not know how to fix this between us, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to make it right again. I can’t go another day knowing she thinks I fucked Bethany. I haven’t even talked to Bethany since she admitted her feelings. She’s tried a few times, but I don’t know what to say to her just yet. I don’t know if we can even be friends again after all she’s done. All her texts and calls go unanswered from me. At least until I can figure out what to do.

A few moments pass before Shelby comes back to our booth with our drinks. It guts me she won’t even look at me. When she turns to walk away from me again, I get up from the booth and grab her wrist. She turns as she jerks her arm away from me, but it’s the fear in her voice that makes me regret touching her. “Don’t fucking touch me!” She stumbles backward as she clutches her arms to her chest with tears in her eyes.

“Shel, I’m sorry.” She slowly backs away and the frightened look in her eyes is what makes me stay where I am. She turns away from me, and darts to the back of the restaurant. I run my hands down my face wondering if I should go after her, or give her some time alone. I stand for a few minutes before sitting back in the booth, and notice every single person in the Waffle House staring at me. I look around, and realize it’s too quiet. I clench my jaw knowing I fucked up, and now everyone will probably think the worst. I close my eyes for a second trying to get a hold of myself. I can feel the immense regret and guilt trying to take over, but fight like hell to make it stop.

“Well that certainly didn’t go as planned,” Caden says.

I open my eyes, and glare at him. Cason just rolls his eyes, knowing now isn’t the time to speak. I don’t even bother to say anything back to Caden. He’s right, and I should’ve listened to them. But I didn’t, and now I have to live with that image of Shelby’s face burned in my mind forever. I start to feel sick to my stomach the more I think about it, and decide I need to get the fuck out of here. I give my brothers one final glance before I get up and walk out of the restaurant. I don’t bother looking back, and quickly get into my truck slamming the door shut behind me.

Before starting the engine and driving off, I bang my hands on the steering wheel as I scream out loud. I hold onto the wheel as tight as I can willing this immense sense of dread to go away. I don’t care if anyone can see me. Half the town saw how Shelby ran away from me as if I hurt her. I don’t understand why she reacted the way she had, and knowing I’m responsible guts me. I clench my jaw willing the pain in my heart to dissipate.

I have to get this regret and guilt out.

I have to get Shelby’s terrified look out of my mind.

But damn if I know how or where to start.

I need air.

I need to escape.

I can feel the walls of the restaurant closing in on me, and I heave in a breath as I run out the back door. The humid air hits me, but I welcome it. I suck in a much needed breath, feeling my lungs burn, and pull at the collar of my shirt trying to clear my airway. My heart races rapidly in my chest, and it feels almost as if it’s ready to burst. I lean my head back as the tears begin to roll down my cheeks, and bite my bottom lip trying to hold in the agonizing scream wanting to come out. I clutch my hands to my chest trying to keep myself together. It wasn’t seeing Carter sitting with his brothers at their usual booth, or the fact Carter tried to talk to me that sent me into an emotional frenzy. It was the flashback of the past. It was the familiar pressure of Carter’s hand on my wrist that did it for me.

All I could see was Easton grabbing me roughly. Easton’s angry face and teeth clenching as he yelled at me. I couldn’t get those images out of my head, and knowing I thought it was Easton grabbing me instead of Carter, it’s something I never thought would happen. I know Carter would never hurt me. He’d never put me through half of what Easton did, but I can’t control when the flashbacks come. I haven’t had one since seeing Carter again until today. I honestly don’t know why I went back to the dark place in my mind. Maybe it’s because Carter caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting Carter to touch me, let alone grab me to get my attention.

I slowly open my eyes, and raise my head as I lean against the brick wall. I chastise myself for letting things between Carter and I go this far. I knew it was only a matter of time before he sought me out and with Caden and Cason constantly telling me to talk to him, I figured he’d eventually show up. I was hoping Carter would come to Annie and William’s not where I work. My outburst is surely going to cause drama with my boss, but fuck if I could help it. I slowly slide down the wall ignoring the pain of the bricks on my back. I pull my knees to my chest, and lay my head down on my knees. I feel my chest start to ache, and I already know the reason why.

I miss Carter. I miss talking to him. I miss the way he makes me feel, and the way I always seem to have a smile on my face when I’m near him. I half expected him to follow me, but I know he won’t. Not after he saw the way I reacted. It kills me knowing he thinks he caused me to flip out and run away, but that’s not even the half of it. I just wasn’t ready to face the truth of the morning I saw Bethany in his bed. Caden and Cason have made me question that morning more than once, but there’s something that keeps holding me back. I don’t want to be ripped into pieces again. I don’t want to feel heartbroken, shattered, and most of all I don’t want to feel the regret I have constantly consuming me. There’s a hole inside of me and with each day I’m not with Carter, it grows and soon I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill it. What scares me about the entire situation is, how am I going to move on if what I saw was the truth? How will I make it a second time around knowing this is the same exact feeling I had thirteen years ago? I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to feel these fucked up emotions but a part of me, the one that still needs Carter, is telling me if I don’t at least listen to what he has to say I’ll never forgive myself. It’s just hard to figure out which part of me wants what more. I could run away again, knowing if I don’t get deeper involved with Carter I might not suffer as much if shit doesn’t go well, or I could push these unwanted thoughts away and hear him out.

Run or stay?

I wish someone would just tell me what to do. It would make my life so much easier, but I know that won’t happen. I can only decide what to do, even if it’ll hurt more in the long run.

I sit on the tree swing in Annie and William’s backyard thinking over my options. It’s been two days since the incident at work, and I’m still confused as to what I need to do. The sun is getting ready to set and I stare down at the ground, and kick a few rocks with the toe of my shoe as I weigh my options. Talk to Carter or not talk to him? Maybe I should pick a flower by the wooden fence, and try my luck with the petals. At least then I would know and stop going back and forth with my decision. I’ve talked to Annie about it, and although she helped bring more into perspective, she refused to tell me what I needed to do. She kept saying, “You already know, Shelby,” but dammit if I know what she means by that. Annie’s good at being cryptic with her words. I know I’m being childish by not making a choice, but when my heart’s on the line, I need to take my time.

It didn’t end so well for me last time.

I’ve decided I won’t move away no matter the outcome. I’m comfortable being home, and I can’t bear to be away from Annie or William again. They’ve helped me so much since I got back, and I can’t even think about not seeing them every day. I just wish knowing what to do about Carter was as easy. I sigh deeply, and turn as I see something moving out of the corner of my eye. I watch Carter walking down the back porch steps and with each step closer, my heart beats faster. My stomach flutters at seeing him, and I notice how tired he looks. He hasn’t shaved in several days, and his eyes look exhausted. I’m glad I’m not the only one losing sleep over this between us.

He stops a few inches in front of me and he grins when he sees me. We gaze at each other for a moment before he asks, “Can I push you?” I smile and look away remembering he asked me the same thing when we first met. He lightly touches my hand and when I glance up at him, I can tell he’s not sure if he made the right move. His eyes hold so much pain and sorrow in them, and it makes me suck in a breath at the intensity. I slowly nod my head letting him know it’s okay to touch me and to start pushing me. I make myself relax as his hand leaves mine, and he walks behind me. I feel his hands gently touching my lower back, and he slowly pushes me forward. I hold on tight to the rope of the swing and lean back as Carter continues to push me higher and higher. With each touch of his hands on my back, I feel myself letting go and the chains that bind my fragile heart release. I find myself grinning widely, and let out a loud laugh as he pushes me one final time. I feel as if I’m that broken five year old again, and nothing can hurt me.

It’s not because I seemed to be flying. It’s because Carter is here. It’s because I know if I were to fall, Carter would be there to catch me.

He’s always been there for me, and the one that never seemed to have left my heart. Annie’s words replay in my mind as Carter slows me down, and I know what she meant now. I let my fear of being hurt overshadow what I really needed to do, and now that Carter’s here, I can have the much needed conversation with him. It doesn’t seem strange to me how things have finally clicked into place since Carter showed up. It was always this way between us. No matter how much I fought within myself about us, or anything else, just being near him made my choices easier.