Cartography for Beginners (10 page)

"I'm great," Leo said. "Really. The lovely scene at the funeral aside, most days I'm fine."

"Your friends told me about what's going on," David said. "I'm really sorry to hear it."

Leo sighed. "What did they tell you?"

"Nothing I didn't observe for myself," David said. "You haven't been handling the breakup with Adam well, but after nearly thirty years it's to be expected, isn't it? Still, I've been worried about you."

"I'd be more worried about Jack," Leo said. "Adam's not dead; he's just shacked up with a child."

"He's not that young. Twenty-five, I'd say."

"He's younger than Dune," Leo muttered. "He's less than half Adam's age."

"And I am worried about Jack, but he seems to be grieving normally and that's the best you can hope for under the circumstances. And he's young still. I doubt he'll be alone longer than he wants to be." He nudged Leo's foot with his own. "I doubt you will be, either."

"I wish I believed that," Leo said. "I'll be happy with Adam and Dune getting along again." He inhaled. "I came to a realization today. I don't want to be like Emily. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to blame Adam for everything that goes wrong for the next twenty years."

"That's a healthy approach."

"But how
do
you move on?" Leo said. "Everybody keeps telling me I need to move on, but nobody can tell me how you actually do it."

"Get closure," David said. "Grieve the relationship but don't let grief define you. Find somebody new."

"That's everyone's answer to it." He said to David's questioning look, "The boys are going to Europe for a while over the summer. Stuart -- you met him at the service, he's my English friend -- he's displaying Jamie's work at his galleries in London and Paris starting in June."

David nodded. "He's convinced me to loan him my painting of Jamie's for the London show."

"Dune has never been to Europe so he and Micah are going too, at least for the London leg. They think I should come along so I can find some lovely British boy to help me forget Adam. I think they're overly optimistic about my appeal to lovely British boys."

"I'll be making a movie in London over the summer," David said. "I'm the second banana in a romantic comedy."

"See, now, I'd much rather watch you play second banana than go to get me laid."

"There's no reason you couldn't do both," David said.

Leo laughed. "You're also overly optimistic about my appeal."

"No," said David. "I'm not overly anything. I'm not trying to flatter you or tell you you're something you're not. You're Leo. That's pretty amazing."

Leo was too dumbfounded to speak. David smiled a small half-smile. He laid his hand on the back of Leo's neck, a warm, enormous paw, and Leo swallowed hard as David caressed the base of his skull with a thumb. He said softly, "Leo," as he moved closer, and Leo thought,
I'm not ready for this
, as David kissed him.

The gathering below was still a soft buzz below them, and once or twice Leo thought he heard someone coming up the stairs and then stop at the landing, but David went on kissing him anyway, fingers rubbing the back of his neck.

They parted finally, but not far. David pressed his cheek against Leo's and they breathed each other's breath as Leo clutched at David's chest through his shirt. "David," he whispered. "I'm not sure about this--"

"Oh," said a voice behind them, and they pulled apart. A man stood on the landing, looking puzzled and more embarrassed than he should considering he was the one who caught
them
in a compromising position instead of the other way around. "Sorry. I was looking for a restroom." He wasn't anyone Leo recognized -- some friend of Jack's, maybe -- though he was worth a second look. His eyes were dark and his features regular and fine, and his voice was rough but pleasing.

David made a soft sound and lowered his head. Leo said, "Up the stairs, and then go to the end of the hall. There's an en suite bathroom in the master bedroom."

"Thanks," the man said. He continued the climb up the stairs without a pause, though he gave a curious glance to David. Leo didn't see if recognition crossed his face, but David still sighed deeply when the man was out of earshot.

"I know that guy," David said.

"You do? I don't think he knows you. I mean, aside from how everybody knows you."

"You don't forget a face like that," David said, and Leo caressed his cheek. David sighed and pressed his face into Leo's hand. "It doesn't matter."

"I'm not going to brag to gossip magazines about how I made out with David Campbell at a funeral," Leo said and David smiled crookedly.

"I figured."

"When do you go back to -- wherever you're heading next?"

"L.A.," David said. "Tonight. My flight leaves in about three hours, in fact." He swept his hand through Leo's hair. "I don't know when I'll get back to the city, but if you come to London when the boys do--"

"I have to think about it," Leo said.

"I see," David said, and added, "It's okay. You've only decided to change your life today."

Leo studied him a moment, and then kissed his cheek. "Go talk to him."

"Leo, he doesn't--"

"Go," Leo said. "You want to. You want to see if he remembers you like you remember him. I can see it in your face. Go on. I'll be fine."

David hesitated, and then got to his feet. "I still want you to call me when you're in London. Here." He gave Leo his phone. "Put your information in."

"I still haven't decided if I'm going," Leo said but tapped in his name and number anyway, and added his email address, too. The gesture made Leo smile -- the last time he'd been in the dating scene his partners rarely exchanged names, let alone contact information. When that was done David tucked the phone away, gave Leo a hopeful smile, and then hurried upstairs.

Leo picked his way through the people on the staircase as they moved aside and carried on their conversations. He sighed, feeling weary, and then scanned the crowd for familiar faces -- no, not that, nearly every face was familiar -- for a particular face, the only one he really wanted to see.

He found it in a moment. Stuart was deep in conversation with Jamie and Frances, but after a moment he looked up as if he sensed he was being sought out. Their eyes met and held, and then Stuart raised his eyebrows as if to ask if he was needed. Leo went the rest of the way downstairs to join them, and Stuart's arm went around his shoulders at once.

"There you are," said Frances. "I was wondering where you disappeared to."

"I had a little food." He closed his eyes and leaned against Stuart's side.

"You look knackered," Stuart said softly and Leo smiled.

"Long day. Long and draining day."

"Do you need to go home, Leo?" Jamie said. "I can drive you."

Leo straightened, opening his eyes to see three worried faces. "I'm okay. I need to recharge a little, and I should stay for Jack's sake, in case he needs me for anything."

"I think he's being well-looked-after," Stuart said and they all looked at Jack, still on the sofa in the living room. "I haven't seen him alone all evening."

"Good," Leo said. "He's going to get through this."

Jamie said, "By the way, Dune was looking for you earlier. He and Micah wanted to head home, and I think I'm going to leave soon, too."

Leo said to Stuart, "Do you want to go home with the boys? Dune can let you in."

"I don't mind staying with you," Stuart said, gazing at him steadily. Leo leaned against him again.

"I'm glad you're here," he said, and Stuart rubbed his back in comfort.

***

"Many, many funerals," Leo said when Stuart poured him another glass of wine after dinner that night. "Many, many funerals." He'd managed to keep from getting too maudlin most of the night, but after his third glass and an hour of talking about the theater and Malcolm, he couldn't keep the melancholy at bay any longer. "Too many funerals. I don't want to bury any more friends."

Stuart raised his eyebrows at him. "You're tipsy. I think I should drink this myself."

"I'm not tipsy. I'm... sad. Sad because today I buried my friend."

Stuart topped off the glass. "This is your last one."

"Sir, yes, sir." He drank, and when Stuart leaned against the back of the couch Leo shifted so he could rest against Stuart's body. Stuart made a satisfactory pillow. "Did I ever tell you what Emily said the first time she met Dune?"

"Tell me." Stuart stroked Leo's hair.

"She said, 'Oh, what a beautiful boy!' He looked straight at her and said, 'Girls are beautiful, boys are handsome.' She said, 'Then you are a handsome boy,' and he said, 'Yes, I am.' They adored each other right off."

"She must have liked you, too." Stuart's fingers played deeper into Leo's hair, fingering the curls.

"She did. She did. We were good friends for a long time." He drank. "She hated me after the Jack debacle, of course. She thought I should have told her about it. I don't know if I would have if I'd known about it, but I didn't know."

"You didn't?"

"No one knew. No one knew anything. As far as we all knew they were just coworkers. Malcolm directed the plays and Jack managed the stage and everybody was happy. And then one day," he stopped, wet his lips, and said, "out of the blue, Malcolm moved out of his house with Emily and into Jack's, and Emily called me up sobbing and screaming that this stupid city had ruined her marriage."

"She can't blame it on the city."

"She blames it on everything. Jack. The city. The weather that day. Malcolm. Everything." He twisted so he could look at Stuart's face. "I don't want to blame everything and everyone for what happened with Adam."

Stuart furrowed his eyebrows. "Adam is the only one to blame."

"No, he's not. There were two of us in our relationship. I had a hand in it, too."

"When you are giving everything and it's not enough for him, the problem isn't you." Stuart pulled Leo against him again, and Leo let him. He felt sheltered, here under Stuart's arm.

"You know from experience, huh?"

"Unhappy experience. I'm man enough to admit the problem was with me." He paused as he resumed stroking Leo's hair. "Come to England with the boys."

Leo let his head loll against Stuart's arm. It felt fantastic. Stuart even smelled good, like spicy cologne and rain. "I've never been to England."

"You'll like it," Stuart said. "Jamie will show you all his favorite places and I'll show you all of mine and between the two you'll get an idea of what London is like."

"He said he'd show me everywhere he got buggered by a chav. What does that even mean?"

Stuart choked on his wine, laughing. "Oh, that boy. A chav is a certain type of London youth -- loud clothes, loud music, and loud manners. And buggered is -- well, buggery. If you don't know what that means we need to have a serious talk."

"Oh," Leo said.

"Jamie got around a lot before he met me. I like to think I came into his life before he could get himself into trouble." Stuart drank a sip of wine. "We'll make it our special project that you meet somebody to get your mind off Adam."

"I'd rather play tourist around London for a few weeks." He kissed Stuart's arm. "I'm fine with that."

"You'll meet someone," Stuart said with certainty and gave Leo a squeeze. "Several someones, if I have anything to say about it."

"And then what?" Leo said, twisting back to look at him. "So, I meet somebody and I have sex with someone who isn't Adam. What happens after? I come back to the city and go on with my life, and..." He waved his wine glass. "And go on missing Adam."

"Then you'll find someone here," Stuart said calmly.

Leo drank some wine. "The boys think you hung the moon, but I know the truth. You don't control fate."

"I like to think of myself more as a fairy godfather. I come to the rescue and make dreams come true." He paused to drink. "You should stay with me a while when you're in London."

"I'd hate to get in the way of you and your latest protégé."

Stuart sipped. His silence was prolonged and oddly loaded. "There is no protégé."

"Really?"

Stuart shrugged. "I haven't found a boy worth the time. Anyway, no one expects you to fall in love straight out of the gate. Just to find someone to help you move on."

Leo watched the rain hit the windows. "Falling in love will help me move on. Help you move on, too."

"And from what do you think I need to move?"

"Oh, just. You know." He regarded his empty glass. Stuart wouldn't give him another one. Stuart was probably right to do that. Having a clear head might be a good idea. "Jamie."

"Jamie," Stuart murmured.

"You do a lot for him, considering you're an ex-boyfriend."

"I will always be concerned with his career."

"It's not because you're still in love with him?"

"No," Stuart said patiently, "it's not because I'm still in love with him. You can tell Ben I said so."

"I'm not asking because of Ben. I'm asking because..." He set down his empty glass on the coffee table, and then pulled Stuart's arm tighter around himself. "Because I'm asking."

"The answer, then, is no, I am not still in love with Jamie." Stuart dropped a kiss on Leo's hair. "What is love, anyway? It's just desire for another's company. Everyone grows tired of me eventually."

Leo slid his hand down Stuart's arm, feeling fine, soft fabric and hard muscle beneath. "Stuart?"

"Leo." Patient. Indulgent, even.

He pulled himself onto Stuart's lap. "I'm not tired of you." He took Stuart's face in his hands and kissed him.

Chapter Six

"I thought you weren't going to kiss me anymore," Stuart whispered when Leo slid away from his mouth, and then winced. The problem with kissing Leo was that as much as Stuart liked kissing him, Stuart didn't like what happened afterward. Leo would start thinking, and Leo thinking led to Leo over-thinking, and over-thinking led to no sex. Stuart was increasingly convinced what Leo needed was a good hard shag, the kind that shook the walls, and for reasons Stuart suspected began and ended with Adam, Leo was convinced no one wanted to give it to him.