Cartography for Beginners (34 page)

Adam smiled at him, eyes crinkling at the corners in the way Leo knew. "You look good."

"So do you," Leo said and swallowed. "Come on in. Do you want to get something to eat?" he said as he closed the door behind Adam.

"I was thinking we'd get right to it," Adam replied as he took off his jacket.

"Oh," said Leo, "right," and then his breath caught as Adam stepped closer and kissed him. The familiarity of his lips made Leo ache, and he clung to Adam, knees buckling. A year -- more than a year -- since he'd last touched Adam, and all the old fire was there.

"God, I missed you," Adam whispered and kissed Leo's neck. "I've missed you so much."

"Adam," Leo said. He thrust his fingers into Adam's hair, noticing that the red was fading into a softer strawberry-blond, threaded with grey. "Adam, wait, stop."

Adam made a frustrated noise but lifted his mouth. "What?"

"I need to know something before this goes any further."

"And what's that?"

"Did you break up with Raphael before you came here?"

Adam's brows furrowed. "No, of course not."

Leo stepped back. "Does he know you're here?"

"No," said Adam with a disbelieving laugh. "That's what makes it exciting."

"Exciting," Leo repeated.

"Look," Adam said, "Dunie told me about your guy in England, and I understand, okay? I do." He caught Leo by the waist and pulled him closer. "But what he doesn't know won't hurt him." He resumed kissing Leo's neck, teeth lightly scraping the spot that always made Leo's body quake.

Except it didn't. Leo pushed Adam away again. "So you don't want to get back together with me?"

"Raphael's a great kid, but I need more." Adam ducked his head to look at Leo through his lashes. "I need you."

Leo raked his hands through his hair, trying to think. "You know what, I have been trying to understand you all these months, and I have given you so many excuses. You weren't happy, you didn't think you were part of the family, I didn't give you enough of my time." He stopped and looked at Adam, and felt a prickle over his scalp as it fell into place. "But I was wrong all along, wasn't I? You're a chronic cheater and it doesn't matter who you're with. You'll never be happy with anyone."

"Leo!" Adam exclaimed.

"No more of this," Leo said. "No more. I'm not going to be your bit on the side."

"And the guy in England?" Adam sneered. "Is he your one true love?"

"I don't know," Leo said. "But I know he loves me. That's more than you can say."

"Oh, for God's sake, Leo! It's just sex."

Leo smiled at Adam. His heart was no longer thumping, his knees no longer felt weak. He'd never felt more distant to Adam than he did now, not even when they first met. "Goodbye, Adam."

"I thought you missed me."

"Not that much." He opened the front door. Adam gave an exaggerated sigh and picked up his jacket again.

"You're going to regret this," he said to Leo.

"Not as much as I would have regretted fucking you," Leo said and shut the door. He leaned against it and exhaled, and pounded his fist against it, once, and not even that hard.

He supposed he would regret it, the next time he felt lonely and horny and unloved, but he wasn't going to be a party to lies and deceit. It wasn't him. It had never been him. If Adam knew him at all, he'd know that.

He picked up the phone and called Dune. "Hey," he said when Dune answered, "are you two still planning to go out to eat tonight?"

"We are," Dune said.

"Mind if I tag along?"

Dune said gently, "You can always tag along, Dad," and Leo felt much, much better.

***

Marc was slimmer and more delicate than Stuart had imagined, blond and blue-eyed, with the same merry look that Amelie had. Gabriel shouted, "Papa!" from where he was playing with Stuart and Amelie, and Marc put down the shopping bags to scoop the boy up and kiss him until he shrieked with laughter.

It was a domestic evening, with an early supper so that Gabriel could eat with them. They talked about Gabriel and Marc's family, about the next film Marc was putting together, about Stuart's projects and the vineyard.

Marc and Amelie moved together with an easy sort of harmony, the kind that people who have known each other for years develop, and it made Stuart glad. Amelie had chosen for herself as wisely as Jean-Claude had done.

When it was time for Gabriel to go to bed, Marc held him for Amelie to kiss him good night and then for Stuart to do the same. Stuart hesitated, but then pressed his lips carefully to Gabriel's cheek and whispered, "Good night, sweet child." Marc smiled at him and took Gabriel upstairs.

Alone with Amelie, Stuart drank his after-supper wine and watched the fire burning in the fireplace. He supposed if he'd gone straight to his hotel, as planned, he would be spending tonight at a cabaret or even reading alone in his room. This was a surprisingly more pleasant way to spend the evening.

This is what Leo wants,
he thought, saddened again by Leo's absence, and had a fortifying drink.

"I want you to come out to the vineyard while I'm here," he said out loud. "All of you, of course. It's your family home, too. Before the wedding or after -- actually, before will probably be best. It's Chateau Gauthier, in--"

"I know it," Amelie said, sounding surprised. "It's near where Tallis' parents live. I have driven past it a hundred times."

Of course she would know it, Stuart realized belatedly. His children had known Tallis' family all of their lives. "That's how I met Etienne. We were good friends when we were children."

"And you are no longer?"

Stuart took a sip. "I'm satisfied that he's a good friend to your mother."

"Ah," she said. They drank in silence. "I know why it ended with Mother," Amelie said eventually. "No amount of affection will overcome incompatible sexuality. Why did it end with Jamie?"

Stuart stared at the fire. "He outgrew me." He inhaled. "Jamie was young and wild when we met, and so talented it took my breath away. I took him under my wing, showed him how to be a gentleman, got him the training and technical background he needed to make his talent shine. Taught him French," he added and Amelie nodded with a small smile. "But in the end he didn't need a teacher anymore."

"He left you, moved to California..."

"Yes." Stuart inhaled again. "My pride is my weakness, I'm told. Before he could leave me for someone else, I brought another boy home and let Jamie catch us." He looked down at his glass, watching the firelight play against the liquid.

Amelie was quiet for a while. "And Mother, was that your pride as well?"

"Yes," Stuart said and covered his eyes with his hand.

She moved from her armchair to sit on his knee, her arms around his shoulders. Stuart leaned his head against her shoulder with a sigh. "I remember you, you know," she said. "Only bits and pieces, things like you singing to me or carrying me to bed. And then suddenly one day you were no longer there, and Mother said you weren't coming back. I remember crying for my papa."

"I have missed you all so much," Stuart said thickly. "I've had so many regrets."

"Then why didn't you seek us out? You were so close. We could have had all these years."

"Because then I would have had to admit that I was wrong."

She was quiet a moment more. "This is why you sent Leo home."

"Amelie, it's a complicated situation--"

She got off his knee and picked up her wine glass to have a long drink. "I see how your life has been. You get people to love you, but you must hurt them before they hurt you until once again you are alone." She whirled to him. "If you leave us again I will never forgive you. Not for my sake, but for Gabriel's. I want him to know his family, I want him to know his grandpapa, but not if you break his heart like you broke so many others."

"I won't, Amelie. I won't. I want this. I want my family back."

"I want to believe you," she said in a heartbroken tone. "Jean-Claude says I am a fool to hope so. I would rather be a fool than turn you away."

Stuart reached for her hand, which she didn't hesitate to give. "You won't be a fool. I won't leave again."

"And if you decide one day that it hurts too much and you do not want us anymore?"

"I won't. You're my children. If there's going to be pain I want to bear it with you."

Amelie's fingers tightened around his. "That's better than promising no pain at all."

"No one can promise that. Something I've learned along the way," he added wryly and Amelie smiled.

"Chateau Gauthier," she said. "I've wanted to see it but Mother always said it wasn't open for visitors. Now I know why."

"It isn't, technically," Stuart said, "but I'll make exceptions." They smiled at each other and she let go of his hand.

***

The boys didn't ask about Leo's previous plans until they were having dessert -- raspberry Pavlova, a meringue dish Leo had never heard of before but liked -- and then Micah said, "You didn't talk long with Adam tonight," and Dune looked up, his eyebrows raised.

"You were going to have dinner with Adam tonight?"

Leo smiled grimly at Micah. "Adam came over. He had a different idea of how the evening was going to go than I did."

"What happened?" said Dune, still looking worried.

"Nothing," said Leo. "Nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen between us again."

"Oh," Dune said. "So, you think I should--"

"I think you should make up your own mind about him," said Leo. "He's always been a good father to you. What kind of relationship you want to have with him is up to you."

"Okay." Dune picked up his fork again, but he still watched Leo. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Find someone I deserve, like Stuart said I should do."

Micah said softly, "Go to France, tell Stuart you're going to love him forever, and then love him forever."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I miss him," Leo added. "He said he had to get out of London for a while?"

Micah nodded. "He didn't say where he was going, though. I bet the vineyard. That's where he goes when he's sad. I bet he'd love to see you there."

"I'm not going to show up in a foreign country uninvited, even at a friend's house."

"I would show up," Micah said. "If I had to win back Dunie, I'd go anywhere." He grinned at Dune, and Dune leaned over to kiss him.

"I don't want to win back anyone," said Leo, holding up his hands. "I don't know what I want right now. I'm still recovering from the fact that I wasted too many kisses on someone who didn't deserve them."

Dune speared a raspberry on his fork. "Whatever you decide, I'm on your side, Dad."

"Thank you, Dunie."

Micah said, "I still think you need to go to France."

"I will," Leo said. "There's a wedding to attend."

Chapter Twenty

It was easy to be casual and brave in front of Dune and Micah, but once he was alone, Leo had to ask himself if he'd made the right choice. It came down to one simple fact: Adam didn't love him anymore.

Stuart wanted to love him. Leo still didn't know what to do about that. He missed Stuart -- missed their phone calls and their emails, missed hearing Stuart moving around in the next bedroom, or lying on a bed together and talking until they fell asleep. His life wasn't centered around Stuart's visits, but he enjoyed how they broke up his routine, and of course the phone calls had been such a lovely way to end his day while Stuart began his, or vice-versa.

He supposed he could call Stuart himself and try to regain their sense of camaraderie, but the first time he called Stuart's mobile it went directly to voice mail and Stuart didn't return the message.

If Stuart wanted Leo out of his life, it wasn't hard to do. There were eight thousand miles, an ocean, a continent, between them -- more than his hand could span on a map, that distance between London and San Francisco, and it had never felt so vast.

Even though he suspected Micah was right and Stuart was at his chateau, unconnected from the internet, Leo opened an email and began to type. He started with, "Dear Stuart, I miss you," and let his fingers pour out everything -- everything that he wanted and hoped for Stuart and for himself. It was a rambling email, ridiculous, something he'd be embarrassed to admit to later, but it felt good to get it out.

He should delete it, he knew. You never sent messages like this, you wrote them and then threw them away. They were never meant to be seen by the person they were written to.

Leo typed his name, took a deep breath, and hit Send.

It was a long time until August.

***

In the morning, Stuart was the first to wake. He lay in bed for a few minutes, listening to the quiet, and then heard a soft, "Mama, Mama." He got up and went to Gabriel's room, and peeked through the opened door to see Gabriel standing in his little cot, still calling, "Mama, Mama." He stopped when he saw Stuart, and said hesitantly, "Gr'npapa?"

"Yes," Stuart said, coming into the room. "May I take you out, Gabriel? We could get breakfast and let your parents sleep in."

It was a bit complicated for Gabriel, he supposed, but still the boy held out his arms. Stuart lifted him out of the cot and carried him downstairs. "I told your mother I don't spend much time with children, which is true," he told Gabriel. "There are a few things I remember from when your mama and auntie and uncle were small. One of them is breakfast."

He put Gabriel into his little chair and gave him juice in a spill-proof cup to drink while Stuart made up his breakfast, baby cereal with cold milk and the softest part of a croissant. He started a pot of coffee, too, to be ready by the time Amelie and Marc came down to the kitchen, and sat at the table to feed Gabriel. Gabriel tolerated this for only a mouthful or two before he took the spoon from Stuart's hand. "Me mine do it."

"You yours do it," Stuart agreed, since Gabriel got most of the little spoonful to his mouth. "You do it well."

Gabriel looked up from his bowl, where he'd been spooning up more cereal with an expression of great concentration, and smiled brilliantly. Stuart glanced behind him, expecting to see Amelie standing there, but they were still alone. "What are you smiling at, little one?"