Casa Parisi (17 page)

When she got to work, Juliet parked in front of the barn. Luke's truck was there and that prompted her to go inside and say hello. Just as she started down the path, he came outside and when he saw her, he waited.

"I didn't think you'd be here today," she said, catching up to him.

"I'm not really here," he said. "What I mean is, I stopped in to check on something and now I'm leaving. Natalie and I promised the kids we'd take them on a picnic."

"You didn't happen to see Lucia, did you?"

"Not this morning. She came in for a few hours yesterday, but she went home early because she said she was tired and didn't feel good. As far as I know, she was drinking on Saturday night and I guess she got home late."

"Where did she go?" Juliet felt a knot forming in her chest.

"I don't think she'd want me to tell you that."

"She already told me she's a lesbian if that makes any difference."

"She did?" Luke looked and sounded relieved. "Good. Now I don't have to worry about opening my big mouth and outing her without her permission. She wouldn't like it if I did that."

"Where does she go when she drinks?" Juliet asked him a second time.

"Some lesbian bar in Ithaca." Luke absentmindedly rubbed at the stubble on his chin. "She never used to be a drinker. Come to think of it, I don't remember her ever getting drunk, even when she was in college, and we all did that didn't we?"

"Even I did, once or twice," Juliet said.

"Don't get me wrong," Luke continued. "She's an adult and she can do whatever she wants. It's just that I worry about her. I worry that she'll get in an accident or get herself arrested for a DUI."

Juliet sensed that Luke wanted to say more, but was holding back. Maybe she ought to bring a few things out into the open. "She also told me about Devin."

"She told you about that? She never tells anyone."

"She didn't tell me much," Juliet clarified. "But enough to make me understand what she's been going through."

"She hasn't been the same since it happened," Luke said. "That's when the drinking started along with the mood swings. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my wife or one of my children. I can't even comprehend how hard that would be."

"I can't either, Luke." Juliet had never loved anyone that way and the reality of that made her sad, made her wonder what was lacking in her. Was she even capable of love? Her weekend with Andre substantiated her fear that she would never be in love with anyone. She should have wanted to have sex with him and she didn't. She should have been happy to see him and she wasn't.

"I just want Lucia to be happy again," she heard Luke say. "I'd give anything to see her heal and go on with her life. She was upset on Sunday and I don't know why."

Juliet knew why. "Do you think I'll see her today?"

"I wouldn't plan on it and if I were you I wouldn't go down to her cottage to find her, either. When she's like this, it's better to leave her alone." Luke paused and then he said, "I'll call her later today to check on her. When she gets herself together, she'll come around."

"Thanks for the advice."

Luke glanced at his watch. "I'd better get going."

"And I'd better get to work. Enjoy your day off."

JULIET WORKED UNTIL lunchtime before calling it a day. She had nothing left to do and as the hours slipped away she gave up all hope of running into Lucia. Luke had advised her not to go to Lucia's cottage and based on what he'd said she thought it best not to try and call her. As she walked to her car, she saw Lucia bending over the flower beds in front of the barn. Her heart beat faster and faster with every step she took and when she got close to Lucia, she stopped and waited to be acknowledged.

Lucia straightened up and took off her gardening gloves. Her eyes shifted from one thing to another as she shook the dirt off them and tucked them into one of the pockets of her jeans. "I saw your car when I came over to make some calls and check my messages. I was just on my way to say hello."

"When you spotted those weeds?"

Lucia's smile didn't extend beyond the corners of her mouth. "I got obsessed about pulling them out. I even went back inside to get my gloves."

"I was hoping I'd see you today."

"You were?" Lucia's eyes finally met Juliet's, but her face held no clues as to what she might be feeling. "I'm finished here and I have a few more things to do in my office. Why don't you come in and keep me company?"

"All right. I wanted to talk to you."

"Then come with me. We'll talk inside."

Juliet followed Lucia and sat in her office while Lucia went into the bathroom to wash her hands. When Lucia re-joined her, Juliet finally had the chance to express what she had been yearning to say all day.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't come to dinner on Saturday," she began. "I really wanted to. Andre didn't tell me he was coming. He didn't even call. He's never done that before and if he had called I would have told him I had plans."

"Don't worry about it."

"Once he was there, I didn't know what to do," Juliet added.

"I'm sure you'd much rather be with your boyfriend than to spend a Saturday night hanging out with me. I may be a lesbian, but I do understand those things." Lucia turned to her computer and logged on.

"I know that, but I still felt bad about it," Juliet said. "You went to a lot of trouble and you were already making dinner."

"I felt bad about it, too, but it's not a problem. I'll eat the leftovers this week."

How could Juliet even begin to express what was really on her mind? How could she confess that she'd wanted to be with Lucia and not with him? How could she justify her feelings? She wasn't saying what she wanted to say, what she needed to say, and she was painfully aware that she wasn't in touch with what that was.

"Why don't I make it up to you, take you out to dinner this week?" Juliet asked.

"That's not necessary." Lucia faced Juliet, her expression neutral. "Besides, we're leaving for Atlanta on Friday and we'll be spending the weekend together. Speaking of our trip, I'm glad I ran into you because I wanted to talk to you about our plans. Luke will drive us to the airport, so bring your bags to work with you."

"What time is the return flight? I forgot." Juliet listened while Lucia went over their flight times again as well as their itinerary for the weekend and when she was done Juliet asked her, "Do you need me to do anything before we go, here at the winery?"

"Not that I can think of. We won't get any work done on Friday, so why don't you sleep in and get here by eleven? We'll leave right after that."

"That's a good idea. We'll enjoy the awards ceremony a lot more if we're not tired," Juliet said. Lucia had moved on to discuss something else and Juliet wondered if she'd been wrong all along. Maybe Lucia didn't care that she had cancelled their dinner plans on Saturday. If she did feel bad about it, she wasn't about to let Juliet know.

They talked for a few more minutes about the clothes they were going to take and as Lucia spoke, her sadness showed around her eyes. It occurred to Juliet that she might be seeing her own feelings reflected in those eyes. "Are you all right? You look tired."

"I'm tired most of the time," Lucia said.

"Have you been sleeping lately?" Juliet asked, knowing Lucia would not share with her what Luke had related about her activities over the weekend. She was shutting down, retreating into herself, and protecting herself.

"Not as well as I should but that's not new," Lucia said. "I guess I've been thinking about going back to Atlanta. Devin and I lived there for many years and I'm wondering how I'm going to handle all the memories that are bound to come up."

"I'll be there with you," Juliet said, surprised by Lucia's openness.

"I know."

Juliet endured the pregnant silence that followed and then rose to her feet. There was nothing she could say, nothing more she could do. She felt confused by her feelings, torn between wanting to know what was going on inside Lucia's mind, wanting to comfort her somehow, and wanting to keep her promise not to be nosy. Lucia was fighting to keep her feelings safely locked away and Juliet had a newly discovered need to set hers free.

"I'm going home," she told Lucia. "Do you need me to do anything before I leave?"

Lucia shook her head almost imperceptibly. "You go home. Don't worry about me."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'll see you tomorrow."

DURING THE SHORT flight to Atlanta, Lucia told Juliet about the city she'd lived in for ten years. She stuck with safe topics like the weather, her favorite places to eat and the activities she'd enjoyed. After grad school, she and Devin were itching to get away from Ithaca and Atlanta had appealed to them for a number of reasons. It was a much warmer and sunnier climate compared to Ithaca and Devin had grown up in the Atlanta suburbs. She pled her case, telling Lucia it was a young, modern city and one of the more gay friendly cities in the nation. Once Lucia had received a job offer she couldn't pass up, their fate was sealed.

Lucia had loved the home she and Devin shared there, a craftsman-style home in the section where most of the lesbians resided. As it turned out, her job took her away for long hours and kept her from that home and the woman she loved. Devin always said she understood and Lucia believed her. But looking back on it, Lucia was positive that Devin hadn't been completely honest with her. She must have hated the nights she spent alone. She must have been angry, angrier than she admitted, about all the ruined dinners, all the cancelled plans.

Back then, the future stretched in front of them like an endless string of possibilities. Lucia had a strategy. She'd earn her nest egg while she could and then she'd slow down and enjoy the fruits of her labor. In the future she would make everything up to Devin, mend all the broken promises, and erase all the disappointments. They'd be able to travel, they'd be together, and she would be by Devin's side where she belonged.

Although Lucia believed going to Atlanta could help her heal, she knew it might be tough. That was what had prevented her from going back before now. Lately, she'd come to realize how heavy a burden the unfinished business she carried around had become. She'd shamelessly neglected their closest friends, the lesbian couple who'd lived next door. They'd been her greatest source of support after Devin's death, second only to her family, and after she left Atlanta, she'd only spoken to them once or twice.

After the plane landed and they retrieved their bags, they drove to the hotel to get ready for the Friday evening banquet where the medal winners would be announced. When they learned they'd won four medals, Lucia was thrilled. Simply Foxy won a gold medal in the blended red hybrids category, Graceful Light a gold medal in the blended whites fifteen dollars or less category, and Lac Bleu a silver medal in the category of blended varietals. And Luke's chardonnay won a silver medal in its price category.

ON SATURDAY, THEY attended the final event on the competition's schedule, an all-day wine and food exhibition. At five-thirty, they returned to their hotel and as soon as they were in the room, Lucia dropped her bulging bag of freebies on the floor near the door and hurried over to the loveseat. "I have to sit down. My feet hurt."

"Mine do, too." Juliet kicked off her shoes and sunk into the chair next to her bed. "We've been standing and walking all day."

"I'm proud of you and Luke," Lucia said. "Winning those medals was the best thing of all and it made me happy to see them on display for everyone to see."

"Those wines were competitive and they deserved to win," Juliet said. "But I have to say, I was surprised we won two gold medals and two silver medals. That was more than I expected."

"I wasn't counting on winning any," Lucia said. "You keep proving to me how right I was to hire you. When we get home we'll put our medals on display. You can help me find a place."

"Why don't we put them above the sales counter or near the tasting bar?"

"I like both ideas. People love to buy things that win awards."

"That's because they think it means they're better and they're probably right," Juliet said. "They've been given a stamp of approval by those in the know."

Lucia rested her head on the back of the loveseat, closed her eyes and moaned. She had a slight headache and underneath it a sense of being emotionally drained.

"Are you all right?" Juliet asked.

"A little headache, that's all." Lucia opened her eyes and turned toward Juliet, the woman who had borne the brunt of some of her worst moments. She was staring back at Lucia with warmth and kindness in her eyes. Why hadn't she run the other way by now? Lucia wondered what made Juliet want to stick around and what it was about Juliet that made her want to open up and reveal her innermost thoughts and feelings whenever they were together. Lucia hadn't wanted to open up to anyone for a long time, so why her?

"Would it help to take a nap?" Juliet asked.

"It might, but I think it would help more to talk to you." Lucia took a moment. "I thought it would be hard to come here and I was right. It's made me take a good hard look at the way I've been since Devin's death and--"

"Go on."

"And I don't know who I am anymore."

"I know who you are." Juliet said this as she moved to the loveseat and sat next to Lucia. She reached for Lucia's hand.

"What kind of person am I, Juliet?"

Juliet thought for a moment before she replied. "You've lost the woman you loved. You're hurt and you're angry, but beneath the hurt and anger you're the kind of person who cares deeply about things. You're a person with a good heart."

"How can you know that about me?" Lucia gripped Juliet's hand tighter. Juliet's kind words were more than she deserved. They described the person she used to be, the person she yearned to be again someday, but not the person she'd been the last two years. She was afraid to say anything for fear of losing control of her emotions and terrified to discover what would happen if she did.