Cast & Fall (37 page)

“
You
were in my room?” I looked into his eyes for confirmation but
there was no trace of acknowledgment.

The
vision continued
…
It
was a vague memory at first—It didn’t seem to make any
sense that I couldn’t remember what I did that day—but
this new vision was making its way into something clearer—a
memory, so beautiful, I couldn’t fathom how I could have ever
forgotten it.

I
went back into the memory. Clearer now—like I was seeing it at
that moment, flashing in front of my eyes.

I
gasped as my eyes flickered to the most devastatingly, beautiful
creature that suddenly stood at the foot of my bed. His piercing eyes
immediately gave me the most soothing, unimaginable feeling that I
wasn’t sure I could ever live without it.

He
came back to see me
.
My heart felt full at the thought of seeing the angel again. I
couldn’t concentrate on his reaction now. I felt all the
emotion descending upon me, hitting me all at the same time. My lips
were numb, my hands shook, my stomach twisted to uncertainty that I
began to question how all of this could be real. The angel in my room
was simply
breathtaking
.

I
got up slowly, wanting to remember that moment and everything about
him. His expression was indescribable, his eyes, full of love,
radiating in the most beautiful glow. His lips curved in a subtle
smile, with an unspoken gratitude and warmth that was simply
exquisite.

His
hair swayed in the subtlest wisp of air. He wore all black, all
polished and perfect. For some unfathomable reason, I felt the need
to remember everything in
that
instant. He slowly walked eagerly toward me. We stood inches apart.
His
heavenly
scent washed over me and filled all of my senses. My world stopped
for a
moment
to take in all of who he was—
a
miracle.

Suddenly
his face was bright, but his eyes were dull, full of desperation and
urgency.
“
I
want you to know something…something important…even if
you won’t remember it…even if for a little while.”
The angel’s words were clear and his voice, breathtaking.

But
the agony in his eyes, left me gasping as I waited in what seemed
like eternity.
As if I understood it; the collision of his words
that would tip my world upside down. Then, his lips uttered the most
beautiful words—his face in anguish. My heart momentarily
balanced on a thin thread of blazing fire and ice.

“
I.
love. you
…I
want you to know that,” his eyes deep, his voice certain. The
words rang, vibrating in my ears. My mouth parted but no response
escaped me, unable to respond to the overwhelming emotions I felt.
The feeling hit me with such force, It knocked my breath away.

Then
as quickly as the words wrapped and nestled deep in my heart, his
expression yanked everything away. The angel’s face turned
dark. My mind went blank…then, there was nothing—but the
hollow, empty space I felt inside.

My
mind was whirling as I came back to the present. His eyes with the
same torment expression. “I remember the night you left,”
I mumbled.
“
You
said…you loved me!…how did I forget all of this?”
A trickle of moisture flooded my eyes. My emotions scattered.

“
I
had to erase your memory of that night—of me—of
everything about me.” His words were pleading but cutting. My
heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

“
You
had…no…right!” Anger jumbled my words. I covered
my eyes with my palms as the new wave of tears flowed. Pain washed
over me again and again, hitting me with force I have never felt
before—as if it would never end.

“
Yes.
I had no right…I had no right then!…I had no right
now!” His voice was like a dagger, cutting into the depths of
my pain.

The
glass of silence was between us again, thick and heavy. It took
awhile for him to say anything.

“
For
several years, I left and wandered to many different places,
searching, filling my world with nothing but boredom of my endless,
meaningless existence. But for some reason, I found myself coming
back to this place and I had come back to you. I watched you from a
distance. I began to love what you love and began to love humans. The
thing that I despised the most. The whole reason for my fall…

Not
until now, when I finally realized that your life was in danger again
because of—me. Another dephil has told me that when I came back
the last time, the dephils wanted not only to destroy me but everyone
else that I cared about. I was foolish to think that I have deceived
the dephils in some way, and I would have if I didn’t interfere
in your life again.

When
I went to see and check on you that day at the café, I wasn’t
planning on being a part of your life at all. You weren't supposed to
see me; I was invisible to humans. Although, I kept tabs on your
safety, there was something in me that couldn’t stay
away…something continued to change in me…I am so sorry
for the way I have treated you, I can barely forgive myself…but
it was necessary. I needed you to be afraid of me, to protect you
from the dephils. I couldn’t interfere and be a part of your
life. I couldn’t risk more than I already have. I couldn’t
risk your life
over
and over again. My mere presence put your life in danger. I couldn’t
be with you
in
any way, not even as a friend. I hated myself and my weakness for not
being able
to
truly
let
you go. I convinced myself that seeing you is what I can live with
and I fought the desire for you to know me and risk the dephils,
knowing that I have come back for you and that I…” he
struggled to say the words. “…I have fallen in love with
you…it was very hard, the difficulty I had to fight, to simply
come into your life and
take
you away with me. But, I couldn’t take you away from the only
family you have, and from the life that you love.

But
once again, my weak decisions had put you in mortal danger. When you
started having your accidents, I convinced myself that you needed me,
and that I couldn’t leave you, without knowing that you would
be safe. I couldn’t trust anyone. And in more ways…not
even me,” his voice was suddenly hard and unforgiving.

“
I
wasn’t only protecting you from the dephils but from myself.
I’m wrong for you. I am a predator to your kind—to
everything humanity stood for. You were no match to what I am,”
he said the last words with disgust. “That night at the
boat…when I told you, I couldn’t even be a friend…that
was the truest statement I could ever make. The dephils prey on man’s
emotions. Every emotion becomes a weakness—lust, greed, hate,
even love—all your senses are broken down until you have
nothing.” His eyes blazed at me.

“
I
needed you to be afraid of me, to fear me, and I tried everything to
make you hate me.” He looked away. His face in heavy anguish. I
stared at him as pieces of the truth continue to form into something
concrete and whole.

“
That
is why I couldn’t figure out my reaction to you. It felt off. I
should have been mad. I should have hated you…you were so…”
I tried to think of a word that would describe the anguish and
confused feelings I had felt all those months.

“
Evil.”
Tristan quickly said. His voice determined. His eyes certain.

“
Mean,”
I countered. “I know now what you were trying to do. Everything
felt clear to me now—the fear, the reservations, the feeling of
familiarity,” I continued.

“
I
was beginning to worry about you though, I couldn’t seem to
make you afraid of me, no matter how hard I tried. You were
constantly fighting your natural instincts against me…and even
now…”

“
Because
maybe my instincts weren’t wrong! You said it yourself…I
sense souls and spirits and I knew deep down that…”

“
Please
don’t say it…” His voice, a growl.

“
That
day…when you ran away, when I chose to finally reveal myself
to you…because I knew, I couldn’t trust anything anymore
and I couldn’t continually control your actions, not without
compelling you and erasing your memories again. I couldn’t
watch you from a distance any longer. I needed to choose. That was
when I went to see the others, the fallen…and that was when
they have given me their word that your life will no longer be in
danger. The dephils, still regard them in some way. Because despite
the fact that you knew about me, you knew nothing about them.

But
as it turned out, the dephils wanted something more. They demanded
that I leave…leave you…for good.” His eyes were
fierce. All of a sudden, his words choked my heart….
leave?

“
But
you see, I can no longer leave you…not when I know, they have
knowledge of you…they could never be trusted.” He
spitted the words.

“
And
now we've almost come full circle. So here I am…telling
you…what I am, and
what
I had done to you.” He didn’t say anything now. The anger
in his face had
clued
me in to the silence in front of me. Despite everything he had told
me, the past
that
he desperately wanted to erase, his anguish was still the hardest
part for me to hear. I couldn’t seem to truly hate him despite
everything.

Every
thought, every memory that vanished, there was no part of me that
could let go. Even with the memory gone, I still felt the longing,
the love that I felt for him, always fighting its way back. He went
to hold on to the railing. His stare, far. I came closer.

“
You
were the one I have been waiting for. I knew that there was somebody,
someone I have been searching, waiting…I knew it deep in my
heart.” I looked at him as the clear fragments of memories of
him resurfaced and merged with the hollow ache that had been in my
heart for all those years.

He
faced me then, and for the briefest of moments, his agonized face lit
at the thought of remembering him and I saw it dimmed as if he
couldn’t allow himself to hope—to see past everything and
see a future…with me. He leaned and gazed intently at the
water.

“
When
I had left you, I felt lost—more lost than I had ever been
before. If
death
was an option, I
would have taken it. You could say that was a coward’s choice.
But I wasn’t strong. I had no one to judge me anymore, but
myself. But even if I knew that was an option, it would have been an
easy punishment,” he gasped.

“
Because
existing without you in any life would be simply unbearable.”
He was holding my face now, as agony and desolation flashed his face.

“
A
million fantasies chased each other in my heart since I have come
back for you, and I chased them from a distance, knowing they will
never be real. What have become of my selfish nature and what is
right and best for you couldn't be more different. But don’t
worry, my love for you will always be the most compelling emotion I
have. I was foolish to take risks then, and I underestimated the
strength of the
dephils
.”
There was an underlying promise behind the words. Silence surrounded
us again. His expression was hard.

“
You
are not who you were then,” I whispered. My tone, heaping with
hope.

“
I
wish that were true, but I am a dephil.” his voice was razor
sharp.

Once
again, I felt the familiar pain well up inside me, constricting my
every breath. I felt desperation creeping in me. How can I make him
see the way I see him—someone with the strength that overcame
everything that was dark. He held my hand—the water was raking
forcefully from under us.
“
This
is all too foreign for me, I had never felt a feeling like this—an
emotion so strong, it drives me to do things for another, not out of
obligation, compulsion or even my fallen nature, but my own deep
desire and I have you to thank for that,” he whispered.

For
the briefest of moments, I caught a glimpse of his world—a
world of obedience and nothing else.

“
You
saw me, even when I couldn’t see you and myself in a world that
I filled with hate. You saw past everything, and the change that I
was capable of, before you even truly knew me.