Cast the Cards (11 page)

“Seven
okay?” he asked.

“Perfect.
Are we eating there?”

“Of
course, how could I pass up the best hot dogs in the county?” His face twisted
into an expression of mock-offense and she laughed.

“I
was always partial to the nachos myself.”

“I
remember.” His voice turned solemn.

She
smiled as memories flooded back. The three of them had whiled away many nights
at the Hole in One growing up. It was a rite of passage being able to go there
parentless. When she’d shut the vault door on her time growing up in Dale,
she’d lost a lot of the good things as well. Her chest tightened and he pushed
the sullen thoughts into the back of her mind. They wouldn’t help her or Clark.

 “I
guess I’ll see you there then?”

“Definitely.” 

They
headed in opposite directions from the entryway, and she got into her SUV.  She
pulled out of the parking lot. Clark appeared. She jumped, swerved, and
regained control.

“Jesus,
Clark, are you trying to kill me?” Her heart raced and she placed a hand on her
chest as she caught her breath.

“No,
sorry, I thought now would be a good time to chat.”

“Next
time show up before the car is in motion, okay?”

“Okay.”
The gentle, subdued tone stole her ire.

She
shook he head.
I’ve never been able to stay mad at him.
“You haven’t
been around lately.”

“I
needed time to process.”

“Boy,
can I relate to that.”

“I’m
not sorry I told you how I felt. I spent years in anguish over that. I am sorry
for storming off like a sulky child. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.” The
contemplative tone seemed more for him than her. “Still, the reality differed
vastly from the way I envisioned it in my head.”

“It
always does. I should apologize for leading you on. I got caught up in the
moment and the excitement of knowing you felt the same way. That night at the
carnival I planned on telling you how I felt. Not getting that opportunity gutted
me.” She risked a glance out of her peripheral in his direction. The reverent
expression on his face brought pain, and comfort. For so long she’d wondered if
her love had been unrequited, or the figment of a very young and active
imagination.  “We both know this can’t go anywhere.”

“I
know.” A rueful smile tipped up the corner of his mouth.  “Doesn’t mean I don’t
wish it could though.”

She
placed a hand over his. “Me too.”  She squeezed and released his hand,
returning hers to the shifter. “Are we good now?”

“I
think so.” The low hum of wheels on the road filled the car. “How’s the case coming?”

“Slower
than I’d like.” She huffed. Cases never fell into your lap the way they did on
television. It took a lot of work and digging. Usually by now she’d have
something solid. Flying blind didn’t sit well with her.

“They
want to make a grand entrance,” he scoffed.

“Do
you know that for sure?” Images of random acts of violence filled her head:
fires, bombings, and personal attacks on innocent people. Her throat clogged
and her chest ached.

“I
sense it. But I have no more knowledge than you.”

“They
sent you down here without any intel?”
It didn’t make any sense.

“Isn’t
that what faith is all about? Trusting in things unseen?”

“Someone
was paying attention during Religion class.”

“I’ve
had a lot of time to ponder.”

His
wry comment brought home the fact that he was a ghost. It was too easy to lose
herself in the vivid illusion.

“What
made you become an F.B.I agent, Vannah? That’s light years away from a grade
school teacher.”

“You
don’t know?”
Hadn’t he been watching over them?

“I
could only observe, and even then, not all the time. Think of it as watching
movie previews. It wasn’t creepy in the way people make it seem in the movies.
We don’t just hang around and follow you from room to room, watching you
sleep.”

“Would
you hate me if I said that was good to know?” She cringed.

He
laughed. “No. You’re the same girl who thought Santa was a pervert for knowing
when you were sleeping and awake. Because it led to the question, ‘Is he spying
on you when you were in the shower and getting dressed’.”

“What?
It was a valid question.” She took a right on Fifth and headed toward Main
Street, passing their old middle school.

Clark
snorted but held his peace.

“I
guess it was my response to what happened. I needed to do something that would
make a difference for other victims like me. I thought of going into counseling
at first. It’s what led me to my psychology classes. In the end it didn’t seem
hand- on enough. Plus, I felt like I’d be lying.” The trip down memory lane
made her shift in her seat.

“Lying
to whom?”

“The
children I’d teach. Telling them the world was a safe place to venture out into
when I knew different. Their wide-eyed innocence would have filleted me alive
back then.”

“And
now?”

Time
to lay all the cards on the table.
“Now I envy it.”

“You
know it wasn’t your fault I didn’t escape.”

Air
left her lungs in a whoosh. She pulled over a few yards from her house. Clenching
 her eyes shut, she rode out the tsunami of emotions. Pain, anger, relief, and guilt,
pounded against her like ruthless rain. Gripping the wheel, blood rushed in her
ears and her head grew light. She felt disconnected from her physical body.
Could
he see through to all the quiet thoughts and concerns she held close?

“H-how
did you know?”

“Because
I know you, Savannah West. You take everything on to yourself and find letting
go damn near impossible. You’d bring up silly mistakes you’d made years ago
growing up. How could you not do the same thing with this? I knew what I was
risking when I used the momentum of my body to force you out of the trunk. I
wouldn’t change it if I’d known how things would turn out. That was when my
life was supposed to end.”

“Clark.”
Her voice cracked.

“No,
you need to hear this, Savannah. I love you. There is no greater gift than to
lay down your life for a friend. You are my female counterpart to Carey. Without
you things would never be right. Personally, I don’t think I’d have your
strength. You dealt with this situation with dignity, and a quiet grace I never
could’ve pulled off. That’s always been you though. You possess this superhuman
ability to shoulder the weight of the world and still keep moving forward.  It’s
one of the things I love most about you.”

She
swiped at the tears that obscured her vision. “Y-yes you could.” She turned her
head to find his face wet with his sorrow-filled drops of saline. He leaned in
and rested his forehead against hers. “You and Carey have to take care of each
other now, Savannah. I couldn’t bear it if they got a hold of either of you. If
I can set things right, I’ll walk away happy.”

“How
can it ever be set right?”
No matter what we accomplish here Clark will still
leave.

“It’s
already starting.”

“W-what
do you mean?” Their whispered voices filled the quiet space. Time seemed to
exist in a bubble.

“You
and Carey reconciling.”

She
narrowed her eyes. “Why is that so important to you?”

“Because
having the two people I love most in the world at odds was killing me. He makes
you laugh… and remember. I always felt like when you left here you put me in a
tidy box, swept under you bed, and only pulled out when my anniversary came
back. I didn’t want to be that.”

“Clark,
I think about you all the time.” Pulling away, she shook her head.

“Yes,
but never the happy times. It’s always overshadowed by my death. I don’t want
to be the cause of so much pain, not anymore.” He brought his hands up to
stroke her hair. “No more hurting yourself on my account, Vannah, please.”

“I’m
sorry.” Her body shook. “I had no idea—”

“I
know. But now that you do I need a promise. You never renege on those.”

“What
do you want me to promise?”
 I don’t like this.

“That
you will battle your way to the place and time when thoughts of me make you
smile, and add happiness and joy.” He delivered a shaky smile.

“Clark
–”

“I
know you don’t think you can do it, but you can.  I have faith in you. The strength
you possess is so much greater than you’ve ever realized. Hell, I think it kept
me fed a time or two when I was at my lowest.”  His hands stilled and he leaned
back in, pressed his lips to hers. The kiss tasted like goodbye. “We can’t do
this to ourselves anymore, Savannah. It’s time to let go of the missed
opportunity.”

“Are
you leaving?” Panic tensed her muscles.
 I’m not ready!

“Not
until this is done. But I won’t make so free with you. It’s not right.”  The
words sliced through her, deflated the tiny balloon of hope that had begun to
rise. He placed a finger on her lips. “It’s a lot to take in right now, I know.
I think we both need space.” She wanted to grab onto him and beg him to stay.
The open dialogue was freeing.

With
him at her side, the gaping pit of pain, guilt, and a lifetime of memories felt
surmountable. “Remember you promised, Vannah. No shutting down or going back to
the way it was before. Lean on, Carey. He’s ready to be your rock.” He moved
back. Covering her mouth with her hand she muffled the cry of protest that
burst free when he disappeared.

 I
can’t go inside like this.
A look in her rearview mirror told
her she was a red-rimmed, puffy-nosed mess. A few cleansing breaths later she
pulled out into traffic and headed toward the one person she knew would
understand–Carey.

***

A
knock came at the door. Carey frowned. He grabbed his gun from its holster.
Took off the safety and walked toward the door. Though he’d never voiced his
concern out loud he realized through him the killers had a second chance to
complete their crime without the hang-ups. His steps were carefully measured
and silent on the carpeted floor. With his back against the wall he leaned over
and peered out the peephole.

The
sight of Vannah worried and relieved him at the same time. He clicked the
safety back into place, lowered the gun, and opened the door.

“What
happened, Vannah?”

She
stepped inside and wrapped her arms around her waist. He rubbed her arms.

“I
saw Clark, and after that I-I couldn’t go home like this.” She gestured toward
her swollen face with her hands. “They’d ask questions I couldn’t answer.”

“Are
you okay? Is he?”

“No.”
Her lower lip trembled. “Yes.”

“No,
you aren’t okay or…” Carey shrugged, trying to read her. This was such a far
departure from the woman he’d come to know.
 I have no clue how to approach
her without getting my head bit off.
 

“I
don’t even know what I am.”

“Okay.”
He paused. “Why don’t we move to the couch and you can start at the beginning.”
He placed a hand on the small of her back. Shut and locked the door and guided
her to the couch.

“He
showed up in the car. We talked about what happened the other night, made our
peace. And he said… we couldn’t go there anymore.”  Her words were skewed. barely
discernible as she re-laid the story, pausing frequently to hold it together.

“I
don’t.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Um. I’m not sure what to say to all
that.”

“I
wasn’t expecting you to say anything really. I just needed to tell someone. I
know it had to happen. But I wasn’t ready. I never would have been. How do you
prepare to have your heart ripped out? Being back here makes everything seem fresh.”

“Is
that really such a bad thing?” Carey whispered.

“Not
anymore.” She sniffed.

“That’s
good then… right?” He arched an eyebrow and she gave a shaky laugh.

“Yes.”

“So…
no Hole in One?”

She
threw her head back and laughed.  A husky chuckle that made him re-distribute
his weight on the couch.
Now is not the time.

“No,
I think we should, though I’m not dressed for it at all.”

“You’re
fine, but you might want to … wash your face.”  He circled his face with his
hand.

“God!
I probably look a fright.” She placed palms on her cheeks and stood. “I’ll go
clean up. I’m a little dressy for Hole in One, but it’ll do.”

He
couldn’t help but admire the high, firm ass highlighted by her black slacks
when she walked off.   Forcing his gaze up to the ceiling he counted to ten.
Think
cold shower, and calm oceans. If she comes back and sees I have a har- on she’s
going to think I’m a total scum bag. Should’ve cleaned the pipes.