Casualties of Love (17 page)

She recalled telling him he was beautiful once.
So long ago
, she thought. She suddenly felt like everything between them had happened ages and ages ago. The love they’d shared, the promises and dreams seemed so distant now. They seemed so out of reach though just days earlier she’d hoped there was a chance to get them back.

              Jessica was surprised he was at her room. The way he’d left her at the infirmary had not left much hope that he’d seek her out. Maybe he wanted more in the way of explanations. Maybe he wanted more apologies. What she wanted was to touch him, to hold him, and make love with him. She wanted to soothe the hurt and anger that festered between them. But, he wasn’t here for that. Of that, Jessica was certain. What did he want, then?

              “What are you doing here?” she asked.

              “Can we talk?” he returned.

              “Do you want to come in? Or would you rather I got dressed so we can talk somewhere else?”

              Tyson looked her over, seemingly unaware up to that point that she was standing before him in her bathrobe.

              “I’ll come in,” he said.

              Jessica stepped back and let him pass into the room. As usual, he seemed to eat up all the space around her. Not just with his size, but his general presence. He was just so significant to her, so huge in her being. She backed up to fight the urge to draw nearer to him, to fight the urge to touch him, to beg him to hold her and to forgive her.

He didn’t say anything and neither did Jessica. She didn’t know what he wanted and thought it best to keep quiet. She assumed he’d get started whenever he was ready. She tried to get a read on him, but she couldn’t. He wasn’t so much closed off as he was...Cautious? Wary? Jessica wasn’t sure. Tyson seemed to really be weighing what he’d say and do.

              “Did you give him a name?”

              Jessica’s body physically started. She hadn’t expected that. She hadn’t expected that he’d ask specifics about the baby. Her gut clenched and so did her teeth. God, did he show up to torture her?

              “Jessica,” Tyson called her name softly as he stepped forward. He reached for her, but let his arm drop. She dashed tears from her eyes and stood her ground blinking rapidly. “I’m not here to rage at you or accuse you or throw blame around. I just want to talk to you about it.” He cleared his throat. “I have a lot of questions running around in my head. I need to talk about it because we didn’t get a chance to talk about it back then. Is that ok?”

              She nodded quickly, not trusting herself to speak. Tyson reached for her again and, this time, he followed through and took her hand in his. He led her over to her bed and pulled her down to sit with him. They were side-by-side and they both scooted back to lean again the wall behind them. When they were settled, he didn’t let go of her hand, but held it within his larger grip, resting between their bodies on the mattress. They sat that way, looking straight ahead, for almost a full minute before she spoke.

              “I did. Name him. Michael Alan Kidd,” her voice was shaky, but Jessica got the words out.

              “After my father. And yours,” he said. “You gave him my last name.”

              “Yes.”

              “I’m glad. What day was he born?”

              “April third,” she replied. “It was the day after I’d been admitted to the hospital.”

              “Did you get to see him?”

              “Not really. I was in distress or my body was in distress. I wasn’t really conscious. I remember a glimpse. I remember asking about him over and over. But, he was so small. He...” she shook her head and Tyson squeezed her hand. “I didn’t even get a chance to hold him.”

              “Who was with you when it happened?”

              “My father and my grandmother.”

              “Was there a service, a funeral? For Michael?”

              “Sort of. We had a short memorial. Just so we could lay his small body to rest.”

              Tyson nodded.

              “I feel like I’ve lost something, although I never had a chance to have it. I mean, I didn’t know, but I feel...this sadness. Does that make sense?”

              “It makes sense and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t allow you the chance to grieve.”

              “Did you grieve? Did your family help you through it?”

              “Daddy tried, but he just wasn’t able to help anyone else deal with that kind of loss. My grandmother was...helpful, surprisingly. Particularly after all the grief she’d given me. She understood, had lost a baby, too, and she helped me as much as she could. The post partum depression was just really hard. I felt like I’d been waiting for the most important thing in my life to happen, for the best thing in the world to happen to me, and then it was ripped away. No warning, no time to prepare or brace myself. I was broken.”

              Tyson transferred her hand to his other hand and put his arm around her. She leaned into him as he drew her closer. Jessica put her head on his shoulder, and Tyson rubbed his hand along her arm.

              “Are you ok?” She looked up at him, not understanding. “Can you have other children?”

              “Yes. I would be considered high risk, but I was told I could.”

              “I’m sorry, Jessica.” He put his lips to her hair.

              “Tyson, you didn’t know. I didn’t want you to know until later. Until after you graduated. It would have been just before he was supposed to be born. I thought I’d tell you and we’d make up and...”

              “Be a family,” he finished for her.

              “Yes,” Jessica said wearily. “It’s not your fault any of it happened, so don’t apologize.”

              “Well, I did get you pregnant,” he said.

              “That wasn’t your fault either. Do you remember that I got sick when I was at home just before we went back for our last year?”

              “Yes, vaguely,” he replied.

              “I had some kind of infection, some bacterial thing that I didn’t even know where I might have picked it up. They were afraid it was staph. The antibiotic they gave me compromised my birth control pills. We’d never consistently used condoms, so that’s how it happened. We were trying to be careful using the pills, but they failed because of the antibiotic. I didn’t realize the meds were still so strong in my system.”

              “It was my responsibility, too, Jessica. I’m sorry that you were alone. I know that I didn’t know, but I am sorry that you dealt with it alone. I owe you a debt. You made sure I got my commission when you should have made me bear the burden of the situation with you. I would have. You know that right? I wouldn’t have let you do it alone.”

              “I know, Tyson. It’s why I handled it the way I did. You don’t owe me anything.” Jessica turned toward him on the bed. She kept his hand in hers and took a deep breath. “I need you to know something. I don’t need you to say anything, but I need to say something to you.”

              “Ok.”

              “I loved you. No, let me finish,” she said when he started to speak. “I loved you and I know that you loved me. I don’t blame you. I don’t regret what we had, Tyson. I never have. I told you I had regrets, remember? Being with you was never one of them. Being pregnant with your child was never one of them. I wish I hadn’t...
we
hadn’t lost him. I regret that, but never that we created him. I wish I’d told you sooner, that I’d had the courage to do so, because...”

              “Because?”

              “Because, I never stopped loving you. Because I’ve missed you everyday since I left West Point.  Because I never wanted to hurt you again.”

              “Jess,” he said as he put her hand to his lips. 

Tyson closed his eyes and kissed the back of her hand. Jessica put her other palm to his face. She felt the prickly stubble and rubbed her thumb across the rough surface of his cheek. He opened his eyes and leaned in to kiss her softly on her lips.

“I shouldn’t have walked out the other day. I apologize for yelling, for not listening. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry,” he said against her lips. His forehead rested against hers.

Tyson put a hand on her neck and pressed his mouth to Jessica’s. He placed soft, sweet kisses there. He didn’t press for more, just touched his lips to hers.

“Forgive me?” he asked.

“Yes. I’m sorry you found out the way you did. I shouldn’t have been such a wimp about telling you the truth. Can you forgive me?”

“Already done,” he said. “Come here.”

              Tyson pulled Jessica between his muscular legs, which he’d bent at the knees. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and she leaned her back against his solid chest. He put his face next to hers.

              “I wish I’d been able to watch you grow our son inside you. I wish I could have touched your round belly and felt him move.” Tyson pressed his palm to her stomach. He caressed the flat surface through her thin robe. Jessica placed one of her hands atop of his.

              “I wish you’d been there to see it, too.”

              Tyson kissed her shoulder through the robe and then kissed Jessica’s neck.  He tipped her chin, turned her face to his, and kissed her mouth. He didn’t rush, but slowly coaxed her lips to part and slipped his tongue inside. He made love to her mouth. It was a sensual kiss that pushed Jessica’s passion to the surface in slow strokes. The taste of him activated her taste buds, and Jessica savored the flavor.
Never enough of him. Always wanting and needing more
.

              His hand went to the front of her robe. He pulled at the belt until the bow unraveled and the sides fell apart. He tucked his hands inside to place them on her bare stomach. Jessica hadn’t put anything on under the robe other than her panties. The feel of his hands against her skin made her breath catch in her throat. Tyson released her mouth and dotted wet kisses along the column of her neck. She arched to give him better access.

Tyson moved his hands to curve around her side. His thumb rubbed at the underside of her breasts. Jessica wanted so badly for him to rub those same rough pads over the nipples that she could feel pebbling beneath her robe. She longed for him to tweak the stiffened peaks and roll them between his fingers. As if reading her mind, Tyson set about doing just that. He brought a gasp to her lips and a flutter between her thighs.

              Gently he turned Jessica and looked into her eyes as he lay her down on the bed. His grey eyes never strayed from her golden-speckled, brown ones and she knew he was giving her time to turn him down, to tell him no. Jessica wouldn’t dream of it. Instead she put her hands to his sides and began to pull the hem of his shirt up and over his taught abs and chest.

When the shirt was removed, Tyson left her on the bed. He stood and discarded his shoes, his jeans, and his boxers. When he joined her on the bed, he lay next to her on his side. He hovered over her body, slowly moving the edges of the robe aside and off of her arms. When the fabric was pooled beneath her, Tyson’s gaze traveled over Jessica’s body. He was so focused, so intent, that it was like he was touching the skin that his eyes raked over. 

              “You’ve always been the most beautiful girl to me, Jess. Do you know that?”

              He took his fingers and trailed the tips down the center of her upper body. From the hollow of her neck to the edge of her panties, he traced a teasing path back and forth. Butterflies burst to flight in her stomach. Jessica pressed her thighs together as his hand slipped just beneath the band of her panties.

              “Do you remember when we’d touch all night, Jessica? When we’d take our time and explore every part of each other. When we’d find all the secret places that felt so good. Do you remember that?”

              “Yes,” Jessica answered breathlessly. She remembered with perfect clarity how Tyson would stroke and caress, lick and suck, until she was a screaming pile of quivering flesh.

              “I want to do that tonight. I want to touch every part of you.” Tyson spoke in Jessica’s ear as he pulled at her panties. She arched to slip the skimpy fabric from her body.  “I want to kiss every inch of skin as I make love to you, Jess. And I want to start here,” he said as he brushed his thumb over the thin, faded scar from her C-section.

              Tears sprang in her eyes.

              “No tears, baby.” He dipped his head to sip at the corner of one of her eyes. “I want to love you. Let me love you.”

              Jessica nodded, and Tyson shifted before he positioned himself over her abdomen. He put his hand on either side of her hips and lowered his head until his face was pressed to her lower stomach. He took in a deep breath and when he let it out, he pressed his lips to the center of her scar, just above the mound of her sex. He kissed all along the slight blemish before following the same path with his tongue. Jessica moaned and grabbed the back of his head to hold him to the spot just over her womb. She saw flashes in her mind from dreams she had thought long past of him lingering there over her swollen belly, caressing the flesh that was stretched and rounded from the growth of their baby. There was a twinge and tightness in her chest, not from sadness of something missed, but from frighteningly uncontrollable hope that it would happen in their future. Jessica whimpered.

              He kissed and suckled at the tight flesh of her stomach, caressing her with near reverence. With a final kiss, he began to lick a path toward her fleshy mound. Tyson moved his hands to grip Jessica’s thighs. She felt Tyson knead the flesh of her quads and then push her legs apart.

              “It’s been so long since I’ve had the flavor of you, Jess. I need to taste you.”

              “Oh, jeez.” Jessica felt her sex instantly go moist. “You can’t say stuff like that,” she said.

She would have clamped her thighs together to stop the flow had he allowed it. But, Tyson held her fast in the pose he preferred.