Catfish Alley (43 page)

I panic and take off running. Behind
me I hear Ray Tanner saying, "Catch that damn nigger. I've got something
to settle with him."

I head for the river. My mind is not
too clear, but I think if I can get to the water, maybe there'll be a boat on
the bank and I can cross the river and lose them. I come out of the trees and
spot a small boat tied up to a tree at the foot of the steep bank. I take off
for the boat, but don't see the roots under my feet, and all of a sudden I'm
crashing to the ground. I struggle to get back up, but it's too late. One of
the men grabs my boot and then two of them hold me on the ground while the
third one gets behind me and jerks my head back. I can smell his sweat and feel
it dripping on my face, mixing with my own.

I open my eyes and Ray Tanner is
standing over me with a thick rope dangling from his hand. As I watch he makes
a loop and winds the rest of the rope around the bottom of it. He's making a
noose. I use every bit of strength I've got left to try to get away from the
men holding me down, but it's no good.

The night goes into slow motion
after that and it's like I'm looking at myself in a nightmare. I feel their
heavy boots kicking my sides and belly, but I can't make a sound. I feel blood
trickling down my chin and I spit out teeth. I kick out at them and struggle
until they have my hands tied tight behind me and my ankles are bound. I'm
being dragged now and I hear the river getting closer. I must black out for a
few minutes, because when I come to one of my eyes is swollen shut. With the
other eye I look up and recognize the big live oak near Riverview towering over
me. The one with the good fishing hole under its roots.

Every now and then, Ray Tanner's
ugly face is over me, close enough for me to smell the whiskey on his breath,
close enough to see his yellow teeth when he spits in my face. I feel the rope
scratching the skin around my neck as they yank it over my head. I hear Ray's
voice.

"You sorry nigger. I'll teach
you to come looking for me like you had business with me."

I hear the river running fast and
steady below me. I think of fishing there, catching catfish and taking them
home for Mama to fry.

"Just so you know, nigger, I
had me a fine piece of ass a couple of nights ago."

The sky on the other side of the
river is turning that washed-out gray that comes right before sunrise. I wonder
if Adelle is awake. I wonder if she'll finish nursing school.

"Yessirree, I had me a nigger
nurse. She fixed me right up." Laughter from some of the other men drifts
past me.

I try one more time to break free of
the ropes that are binding my wrists behind me. If only I could see her just
one more time. Tell her I meant to do things her papa's way. I meant to leave
this thing alone, let time pass. Find another way to fight back. I'm off the
ground now, standing on top of a tree stump. The ground and the sky are turning
crazy circles. A single sliver of orange breaks through the fog over the river.
I wish I could have gone fishing one more time.

"Pete, call old Purvis. We need
to get a picture of this one."

I close my eyes and see all of them:
Adelle, Gracie, Dr. Jackson. Grandma, Mama. I'll be joining you soon, Mama....

The noose tightens around my neck
and I can't breathe. I clench my jaw against the pain. The tree and the river
and the brightening sky swim away from me as I open my good eye for one last
look. Then it all goes black.

Grace

"And did you know that Ray Tanner did it?"
Roxanne whispers.

Clarence and I look at each other again. I think we both
know more of the truth now than we ever have, but still we have no proof, no
certainty. "We had our suspicions, but none of us ever knew for
sure," I reply. "There were no black folks who witnessed what
happened. Dr. Jackson tried to get the sheriff to investigate, but after he
asked a few questions, it was all dropped, swept under the rug, same as always.
The Tanners ended up running the sawmill and lumberyard. As a matter of fact,
Ray Tanner was highly thought of among the white folks."

Roxanne's crying again now, holding her face in her
hands. "I just don't know how you do it," she says. "How can you
deal with all this pain? How do you keep from turning hard with hate?"

"I've done my share of hating," I say.
"We all have." Clarence nods at this; so does Rita. "I was so
eaten up with it those first few weeks after Zero died that I couldn't leave my
house. Finally, Dr. Prosser herself came down here from Tougaloo and packed my
suitcase and told me I was going back to college. She said to me, 'Grace Clark,
you have got no business letting these ignorant crackers take away your life
like they did your brother's. The best thing you can do for Zero is get
yourself in my car and get back to school.' I couldn't believe she talked that
way, but she was right. I finished college and got my teaching
certificate."

"What about Adelle?" Rita asks.

"Addie was as torn up over it as the rest of
us," I say. "Maybe more. She told her mama and daddy her life was
over, that there was no reason for her to go to nursing school now. Dr. Jackson
even came out to my house and pleaded with me to talk to her. But what was I
going to say? I was feeling the same way. In the end, it was Adelle's mama who
convinced her to finish her nurse's training."

"How did she do that?" Roxanne asks.

"Mrs. Jackson got real sick not long after Zero
passed," I say. "She came close to dying from pneumonia, and it was
Adelle who nursed her through it. From her letters I could tell Adelle realized
that nursing someone else helped heal her own pain."

Clarence shakes his head. "It was never the same
around here after it happened. Junior was gone. Zero was gone. Looked like life
in this town wasn't worth living. I even considered leaving here myself for a
while."

"But you didn't?" Rita asks.

"No, I put my head down and did my work, ended up
making a pretty good living for myself. And there was Ernestine, and then our
babies. My boys left here, though. Moved all the way to Detroit," Clarence
says. I can hear the pride in his voice. He's always been glad his boys made a
different life for themselves.

"So why did you and Adelle come back here?"
Roxanne asks me.

"I came back for the same reason Adelle did, I
reckon. This is our home, Roxanne. This is where our people are and where our
lives are. We've been contented here. Adelle had her nursing career and I might
never have had children of my own, but I had hundreds of children in my life
over the years."

"They were lucky to have you," Roxanne says,
drying her tears with a tissue.

"I hope so. I think I finally figured out that
hate wasn't going to help me. The best thing I could do for the black people
around here was show all those children I taught, black or white, that a black
woman can get an education and have a good career. I wanted to see those
children grow up and make Clarksville a different place."

"But there are still people like Del Tanner,"
Roxanne says, shrugging her shoulders.

"There will always be people like Del," Rita
says. She hasn't said much through this whole conversation, and I've been
wondering what she's thinking. "Del Tanner's generation grew up in what
was still a Jim Crow South. Even after the civil rights movement, some of them
never adjusted to desegregation. All they can see is difference...." Rita
looks at Clarence and me. "I admire your courage for staying. I'm not sure
I could have done it. But maybe, since you did, mine and Roxanne's generation
will be different."

I watch Roxanne as Rita says this. What's that look on
her face? She seems softer somehow, less guarded than I've ever seen her. She
seems to admire Rita. I remember how hesitant I was to let Roxanne into my life
just a few weeks ago. And now, it looks like she's been good for all of us.

We sit quietly for a few minutes. Clarence pours us
more coffee, and to ease the sadness we chat about the places Roxanne and I
have gathered for the tour. Then I remember Roxanne said earlier that Del
Tanner wanted her to bring me by the lumberyard. "Do you have any idea why
he wants to see us Friday?" I ask.

"No, ma'am, I don't," she answers. "And
if you don't want to go through with seeing him, I certainly
understand...."

"No, I think we need to hear him out." I'm
wondering what a Tanner could possibly have to say to a Clark, when Clarence's
phone rings.

He leaves the kitchen to answer the phone in the next
room. He's gone for several minutes, and when he comes back his expression is
mighty worried.

"What's wrong?" I ask, feeling something in
my heart crack like an egg.

"It's Adelle," he says. "She's in the
hospital. She's had a heart attack."

Roxanne

Rita and I are sitting in the hospital waiting room.
Clarence and Grace have gone in to see Adelle first, since the nurses only
allow two visitors at a time. I have so many emotions washing over me right now
that I can hardly speak. Rita must understand, because she doesn't press me for
conversation. I can't bear the thought of losing Adelle Jackson or Grace Clark.
Without the two of them I might have gone on with my superficial life,
oblivious to a whole other world around
me ...
I might never have
met Clarence Jones, or Daniel Mason, or Billy Webster, or Mattie Webster, or
Rita. I look over at Rita. She seems as lost in thought as I've been.

"Thank you," I say quietly.

She turns to me and smiles. "For what?"

"For being willing to put up with me for one
thing," I say, and we both laugh. "Seriously," I say,
"thank you for pushing me to listen, for helping me understand. But,
mostly ..." Here I go tearing up again. I've cried more in the past day
than I've cried in years. "Thanks for helping me realize what's
important."

Rita puts her arm around me and gives me a squeeze.
"You've done that all on your own," she says. "I just gave you a
little nudge. Besides, I knew there was an interesting person underneath that
superficial, white-pilgrimage-director facade."

It's a relief to laugh, but we both stop abruptly as
Clarence emerges from the double doors to the cardiac intensive care unit. We
stand as he approaches us. I'm trying to read his expression. "How is
she?" we ask at the same time.

"Doctor says she's going to make it," he
says, breaking into a wide smile and chuckling. "She had a close call, but
she's a strong woman. That doctor said she's one of the feistiest patients he's
ever seen."

We all laugh and hug each other in relief. Just then
Rita's husband appears, and Rita pulls him aside to fill him in on what has
happened. I walk back over to the chairs where Rita and I were sitting.
Clarence follows me.

"You can go in and visit Addie now if you want
to," he says, sitting down beside me. "I'm going to rest here for a
little while."

"Thank you," I say. "I'll go in a
minute. I think I'll just sit here with you for a bit and get my breath."

"All right then," he says.

As I sit beside Clarence and I look over at Rita,
talking intently to Jack, I'm filled with a sense of contentment. I know that
I'm right where I need to be, surrounded by people who matter to me and who I
believe care about me as well. I'm experiencing a new anticipation — about what
the next half of my own life might be like, and about what my newfound
friendships might bring. Although it's still painful, I know that Dudley and I
will figure out what to do about our marriage. And I have a chance to allow my
daughter to know me differently. I have a second chance to be me without that
facade that Rita described.

Adelle

When I open my eyes, I'm so happy to see my dear old
friend Grace's sweet face smiling down at me that I start to cry. She wipes my
tears and clucks to me like an old mother hen. I'm surprised when I see that
Clarence is with her. I haven't seen Clarence in such a long time.

Clarence winks at me and says, "That doctor said
you gave him a run for his money. Sounds like you're too ornery to die
yet." '

"Clarence!" Grace says. "You ought to be
ashamed."

Even though I feel weak as a kitten, those two can
still make me smile. They tell me that Roxanne Reeves and Rita Baldwin are out
in the waiting room. They're worried about me, too. Roxanne is a dear, and
she's coming along, for a white woman. I hope she and Rita will get to be good
friends. I think Roxanne needs a friend.