Caught in the Devil's Sheets (46 page)

“I think I need a shower.”

“Can I come with you?” His request surprises me.

“Of course,” I say without hesitance, smiling at him as I head back toward the house. Odin strips his wet clothes off outside and meets me in the bathroom. Odin starts the shower.

“Warm water this time please,” I tease.

But he doesn’t smile. He just looks at me with eyes full of misery. He is naked, standing in front of me in possibly the most vulnerable way I have ever seen him before. It scares me. I want to tell him I love him, but I’m afraid it won’t be received well and I decide to hold it back. In a few moments the water is steaming and Odin opens the glass door for me. I scoot in first, and Odin steps in behind me. He wraps his arms around me and again we are caught in a moment so beautiful it’s sublime. He rests his chin on my shoulder, and I lay my arms over his, leaning my head back into him.

“I wish it could be like this more often,” I say without thinking, enjoying myself too much to remember all that has just happened.

“Me being scared shitless do something for you?” There is a hint of humor in his voice, finally.

“You being sweet does.” I turn and kiss him, and his embrace tightens around me.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He kisses the top of my head.

Without a care in the world, I lean my head back against him once more. Every problem I faced today slips away from me, knowing that the person I trust the most is here to protect me. I close my eyes, standing under the warm running water of the shower, and my mind, my heart and my soul are at peace in his arms.

Part 2

Chapter 33
Three Months Later

Dr. Burkhart’s office is still familiar, even though it’s been months since I sat on her lounge last.

“Lila! So good to see you again!” she says, coming in the room behind me and greeting me with a warm hug. “I was worried when you quit coming.”

I know she called me a few times when Odin and I first hooked up, but I was caught up in my life.

“It’s been a crazy few months since my divorce,” I tell her, taking my seat again.

She sits, poised in her overstuffed arm chair. She raises an eyebrow. The last time we spoke I had discussed divorce as an option I was hoping not to take.

“Well, tell me. How has your summer been?” she begins by getting an over view before we pick apart all the decisions I have made in the course of the last five months.

“It’s been, possibly the best and most exciting summer of my life!”

She grins happily at me. “I take it there’s a new man in your life. Not that you need one to have a great summer.”

“Yes! Jaime went to jail in May and I finally filed for divorce. Thanks to a good friend of mine, who really helped me find the courage to leave.” I give Odin his credit due.

Dr. Burkhart nods, allowing me to continue.

“I know that it’s best to give yourself time to readjust before immediately moving on,” I say before Dr. Burkhart has a chance to. “But, there’s just something about him that I’m so sure of.”

“Tell me about him,” she opens the conversation.

I can actually tell Dr. Burkhart more about Odin then I ever could Jaime. Mine and Jaime’s relationship was based around drug running, and although we’d spoke about my initial attraction to him being money and partying, she didn’t know the extent of it. I told her about our fights but I didn’t tell her how brutal some of them got to be, or what fuelled them. Some might argue that if you’re going to lie to your therapist, there’s no point in going. But I value my relationship with Dr. Burkhart, and having someone help me sort out my thoughts and make me realize the things I’ve been too stubborn to see on my own is very much needed. Hence, why I have decided to come back.

“Odin is tall, blond, handsome, like… literally too beautiful for words. But what really attracted me to him was that he stood up to Jaime. He stood up for me and he made me feel like I was worth more, like I wasn’t stuck in my relationship. He took me in and he treats me the way I’d always hoped Jaime would treat me. He makes me feel like I’m his first priority all the time. He makes me feel alive, and on top of the world again.”

“What things specifically does he do to make you feel alive?” Dr. Burkhart sits still, perched in her chair with a notepad on her lap and a pen in the same hand she’s resting her chin on.

“The sex!” How could I not start there?

Dr. Burkhart smiles.

“Sometimes Jaime and I would be having sex, and he would finish and then pass out next to me. Odin never does that. In the bedroom, it’s like his happiness depends on me being satisfied as well.”

“That’s important,” she agrees.

“He does things to me that bring me to a higher level of being! Things I never thought I’d like, things I had never even thought of, I find myself constantly wanting more.”

“I take it you’ve found a new outlet for blowing off steam. Can I ask, are you experimenting with role play?”

“Yes, Odin is into some really kinky shit.”

Dr. Burkhart raises an all-too-knowing eyebrow at me. “Are there things outside of sex that he does to make you feel alive and special?”

“Aside from the sex, he’s there for me. He was there for me when I needed help getting away from Jaime, he was there for me when my bills post-divorce became a burden on me. He was there when the other members of our club looked down on me and tried to give me a hard time about my decision to leave Jaime. In fact, he even stood up to my ex-father-in-law. He takes me out, buys me nice things, and treats me like a queen.” I remember how Odin had my car repainted and went through the trouble of installing an epic sound system,
as well as got me Cali Girl seat covers.

“Did you feel like Jaime was there for you prior to getting married?” she asks.

I can’t really remember. “I was only 19 then. I didn’t realize that having someone who was emotionally supportive was important.”

She nods as if to say fair enough. “Would you say you and Odin have any problems so far?” she asks.

I take a deep breath. Everything between Odin and I is great, I don’t want this to come off like I’m complaining. “I feel like I have a hard time communicating how I feel,” I say, hoping she can piece that together on her own.

“So you haven’t used the word ‘love’ yet.” She hits the nail directly on the head.

“No,” I admit, staring down at my hands, laced in my lap.

“Do you love him?”

“I know it’s way too soon, but I think I have loved him since the first time we slept together. I just can’t help myself.”

“It’s good to wait to say I love you. Sometimes when we get intimate with someone early on, it clouds the lines between love and lust. But you’ve been together five months now. Chances are if it was just lust, it’d be showing signs of wearing off by now. Lust alone fades with time. But love grows with time.”

“I’d say we have both. The sex we have is very lustful. But the way I feel afterward, and the way I continue to feel long after he’s gone, is love. In fact, I’d say now, knowing the way I feel about Odin, it’s possible I was never in love with Jaime. I wanted to be and I did grow to love him, but I never felt like this about him.”

“Do you think Odin feels the same about you?” Dr. Burkhart looks at me intrigued.

I swallow, looking down at my hands on my lap. He acts like it, but I’m so afraid he doesn’t that it makes me feel anxious thinking about it. “I think so, but I’m not sure.”

“Well, there is only one way to find out,” she encourages me to express my feelings to him.

“I know, it’s just that Odin has a lot of confidence when it comes to sex. But as far as relationships go, he’s really closed off. I’m the first girlfriend he’s ever had.”

This gets a good eyebrow raise out of her.

“He’s had other partners, but never anything more serious then sex.”

“Do you know why that is?” she asks, still very interested in my take on Odin.

“I think it’s because of his past and the way he was raised. We don’t talk about it much, but I gather that there was a lot of violence,” I put it lightly. “I think he thinks he isn’t capable of giving and receiving love. Like I said, he doesn’t like to talk about any of it, but I gather that his dad was openly abusive toward women and encouraged Odin to be the same. I think that’s why he likes it rough in the bedroom and struggles with the emotional aspects of being in a relationship.”

“I think that’s a very educated opinion. Would you like to elaborate on the ‘kinky stuff’ he’s into?” she uses my words from earlier, opening the door for me to discuss the topic freely if I feel comfortable.

I have never talked about it to anyone other than Keila, and even with her, there are things I won’t tell her. But I don’t see Dr. Burkhart and Odin ever meeting, and even if they did, she couldn’t say anything about our sessions. I’m sure his preferences aren’t that abnormal to her. After all, it’s her job to help people sort out there twisted shit.

“Well, he likes control. Especially in the bedroom. I struggled with it at first, wanting nothing more than my freedom after Jaime, but I’ve gotten really comfortable with letting him call the shots for us. I think I like having someone protect me, as much as he likes having the control over me. Sometimes he goes a little overboard, but we’re always able to talk about it, and we have established some healthy boundaries. Odin likes pain, there’s no doubt about it, but he thinks it makes him a bad person.”

“Do you like pain?” she asks.

“I don’t mind it usually. But I have to admit, we have used sex to settle our differences, and I don’t know that in the end I really felt like they were settled.”

“Is that what your concern is?” Dr. Burkhart finishes for me.

“Yeah, there’s that, and I sometimes fear if I can’t give him total control, that he’s not satisfied with me.”

“It’s very unhealthy to do things against your will because you’re afraid your partner will leave. In fact some girls even sleep with other men because their partner wants them to.”

I see what she means. “Odin would never let me sleep with anyone else. To be honest, I enjoy the sex 95% of the time, which I think is more than most women. I’m really lucky to have a partner as adequate as he is. I’m just scared that whatever it is that happened in his past that he doesn’t want to talk about is what motivates him sexually. I know that plenty of normal people engage in similar sexual behavior. But even he fears that his obsession is linked to some genetic psychological desire to inflict pain.”

She smiles, impressed with my word choice. I had never been able to put it into words quite like that before. But it has always been in the back of my mind. And Odin might have that same psychopathic gene as his father. He’s just more controlled about exercising his needs. He chooses willing victims to play his role, instead of kidnapping girls.

“Lots of people use role play of different kinds to play out fantasies they can’t actually act out. It’s normal. As long as their needs can be met with sex, there’s no reason to think they will actually act on their true desires. And as long as you are enjoying it and not forcing yourself to please him, then I don’t think you have to worry what motivates his actions.”

It feels good to hear her say that.

“However, if you’re worried that things will escalate, there are some distinct signs you can watch out for. For instance, if he wants to be more rough as time goes on, asks you to do things he knows you’re not comfortable with, that is a clear warning sign that rough sex isn’t fully meeting his needs.”

So far, that hasn’t been the case. We are always trying new things, and pushing it to new levels, but I’d say since the incident in the ice bath back in June, he’s been a lot more cautious if anything. Her words help put my fears at ease.

“Now, let’s get back to your inability to communicate with him on a more personal level. If you’re right about his past and his reserves about the emotion that is love, then you will most likely have to be the first one to say it. As far as that goes, depending on the love he was shown as a child, or the lack of, he may not believe you. While you might be doing everything in your power to show him your love, he may be unable to accept that someone could love him. Especially if he is dealing with guilt.”

If I didn’t know better, I’d say she knew Odin.

“The reason he wouldn’t be the first to say it is because he’s afraid you won’t reciprocate. He may shy away from the word altogether, which again is a sign of guilt. Not necessarily that he has anything to be guilty for, but when we are subjected to things as an adolescent, the emotions we develop towards them are not always justified. We deal with things in many different ways. For example, when a girl thinks she’s at fault for getting raped because she didn’t fight back as hard as she could or because she went out late in slinky clothes. She may feel guilt and have a hard time pursuing a loving relationship. Or when a parent leaves and the child thinks it’s because there is something wrong inside them, not realizing that the parent’s reason for leaving has nothing to do with them. That child may in turn shy away from relationships, afraid that they will not be enough for a partner based on the guilt they felt when the parent left.”

The way she explains guilt makes so much sense. I know Odin feels guilty because he saw his dad abuse women and while he had nothing to do with it, it turned him on. But I really can’t see telling Dr. Burkhart this.

“We’re almost out of time, but I’d like to ask, did you tell him about your past?” she asks, no doubt referring to whether I told him all about Billy and my life in Wyoming.

“Yeah. I told him I was raped by my counselor and that Billy shot him and we ran together and got caught. And he knows I keep in contact with Billy.”

“Have you been keeping in contact with Billy?”

The last time we’d spoke, Billy was still in his silent phase. “Yeah. He wrote me and I wrote him back telling him how upset I was over him brushing me off. He said sorry, and we’ve been writing here and there. Not nearly as much as we used to, but it’s better than nothing.”

“I bet you’re happy about that,” she says, knowing how much Billy means to me.

“How does Odin feel about Billy?”

“He doesn’t like it. But as long as I’m open and honest about it when I receive letters and what’s said between us, he accepts it.”

“Have you told Odin why Billy is important to you and how you feel about him?”

“Sort of.” If I told him everything, he probably wouldn’t be so cool about our relationship.

We finish up, and I step outside into the heat of September in Southern California. My car, shiny with still fresh paint, courtesy of Odin is waiting in the lot. I get in, immediately letting my top down and getting the fresh air in. I start the engine and check my phone. I have a missed call from Kelli. When I call her back she invites me to lunch. You’d think I’d be all talked out after a two hour session with Dr. Burkhart, but I’m excited to see Kelli.