Caveman (12 page)

              By the time of your twenty-second birthday I was miserable and bitter. And yet I still had hope that he would one day lay off me and just let me be. Until he threatened to do to you everything he had done to me. You have to understand I had lost everything. Money, family, friends. Everything. I couldn’t let him do it all to you and I believed he would. I believed he would hurt you just to hurt me more. I was done. I took his offer and arranged everything. I left on the day of your birthday so I would never have to explain.

              When Cassandra told me you’ve been looking for me all these years, all that anger I had inside me in the past returned. Because you were so obliviously unaware that it made me furious. And maybe it was me being unfair or childish but you were also to blame for everything I went through. You could have opened your eyes and seen what I was going through. I wouldn’t have lost our mother’s trust if you had just opened your mouth and told the truth. If I’m wrong and you didn’t know anything then maybe all that anger is misplaced. But not the bitterness. I’m sorry but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go of that feeling of disappointment.

              Know that I won’t ever come back. Know that, even if I had, if Cassandra had managed to convince me to, I would have stayed away. You, mother and even Victoria disappointed me when I needed you, when I needed people I cared about to stand beside me and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive your ignorance – or worse your indifference. I’m sorry if this letter causes you more pain than my disappearance might have already caused but it’s all the bitter truth.

What matters now is that Cassandra did her job. She found me and – furthermore – said she’ll honor my wishes and not tell you of my whereabouts. I ask that you not send anyone else after me. There is no point and God knows Cassandra almost got killed in the process. And even though I do forgive you all, I don’t want to come back. For better or for worse, I’ve found peace and I want to keep it. It’s the only thing I have left.

Please, give my regards to mother and Victoria. I wish that you all will finally be able to let go of the past and move on properly with your lives.

Damon

Thankful that the clog in my throat is holding back the tears his letter brings, I manage to look up at the Sawyers family. All three of them are crying silently. There’s a part of me that blames them for what I’m going through. For sending me after Damon, for being part of the reason he left in the first place. It’s that part that helps me clear my throat and hand the letter back to Cole.

“Did you know?” I ask calmly, looking at Cole but directing the question to all of them. “When you sent me to find him, did you know why he had left?”

Cole nods and looks up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I was too ashamed to admit it but I did. Father told everything to mother and me a few days before his episode. And Damon’s right. I knew what he was going through. But I guess a part of me thought – or rather hoped – that father would stop eventually and let Damon be. I don’t know if I ever considered stepping up for him but I’m afraid if I look into it I’ll realize that I didn’t. That I really was that big a coward instead of ignorant.”

Mrs. Sawyers walks up to me until she’s standing right in front of me. I stand to and meet her eye to eye, fully expecting an outburst of anger. When she takes my hands in hers and holds them tightly, I realize she’s shaking too. “Thank you, Miss Hale. Thank you for finding Damon and for keeping his secret, even though a part of me wishes you wouldn’t so I could go and see him. The other part though knows that I don’t ever deserve seeing my son again, not with the way I treated him after the lies my husband fed me. And I knew deep down that they were lies. I’m truly ashamed of the way I acted and completely understand that this punishment I deserve.”

I give her a tight nod with mixed feelings of distaste and understanding. I want to yell at her for the way she gave up on him so easily and I want to hug her and cry in her arms because I know how she feels without him around. Instead I give her a sad smile and say, “I only did my job, Mrs. Sawyers.”

Cole Sawyers comes near me and holds his hand out for me to shake. When I do, he covers the back of my hand with his other one and squeezes it lightly. “Thank you, Cassandra. This may not be the outcome I was hoping for but in truth it’s more than I deserve. You’ve done an excellent job.”

I have to swallow again and restrain myself from screaming in his face that this wasn’t a job to me. That I wouldn’t care if I never saw any of the money he had offered me if it meant he had once acted like a real man and stood up for the one person that sacrificed everything just so he could live on with his life. Instead, I give a nod. “I only did my job, Mr. Sawyers. But I’m afraid I have to go now. I have lots to do.”

“Of course,” Victoria says softly with a hand on my arm. “I’ll walk you out.” As we reach the front door of the enormous house, she stops me with another touch on my arm. “Is he really okay?” she asks in a soft whisper. “Does he need anything? I know he said that he doesn’t and he’s not coming back but I can’t help worrying.”

I let out a small sigh. According to Damon, Victoria was the least to blame and he had always cared for her like a little sister. “He says he is, Victoria, and I believe him. I… I tried convincing him to come back. I did. His mind was made up though.”

She studies me and I think sees the pain in my eyes because her expression softens. “This was more to you than just a case, wasn’t it?”

I swallow hard and can’t help the single tear that slips out when I look in her eyes and say, “I fell in love with him.”

She presses her lips together and nods. Then she pulls me in for a hug that surprises me enough for a sob to escape my lips. Without another word, we break apart and I hurry to my car, ready to never see the people that remind me of the man that will always hold my heart.

L
ayla is patting my hair as I cry with my head in her lap. I just told her everything that went down between me and Damon and then his family and I try my hardest to keep quiet. She just fed and put to sleep the three-days-old Elijah. Dean is sitting at the other end of the couch with my feet on his lap, rubbing a hand on my shin and another on my back.

“I’ve never felt so much pain in my life and I don’t know if I can handle it. I need to see him. I need to know that he’s okay. I need him to hold me in his arms again.”

“Ssh, honey,” Layla coos. “I know it’s hard but there’s nothing you can do. You already did everything you could, even suggest staying with him – which I need to kill you for later by the way. Don’t forget that you knew everything about him long before you met him, which gave you the ground for you to fall so fast. But he obviously doesn’t feel that way for you, Cassie.”

“Babe, I don’t think that’s the right thing to say right now,” Dean says skeptically.

“I’m just saying so she’ll know there’s no point in crying for a man that doesn’t feel the same way about her. If he did, do you think he would really have been able to let her go?”

“I think that any man would have to be a complete asshole to let go of Cassie,” Dean says firmly. “Which means the guy
is
an asshole since he
did
let her go.”

“Now that is
definitely
not the right thing to say, jackass,” Layla says angrily.

It’s weird but their argument calms me down even though they’re both saying things I don’t want to hear. I close my eyes, feeling my tears subside and Damon’s image immediately fills my mind’s eye. The way he looked naked under the waterfall or the way he stalked towards me in the hot spring. It all feels like it was from a dream and yet the feelings he caused me are still so potent in me.

“Honey, you can’t do this,” Layla says to me softly. “You need to move on. No matter what you feel about him, you need to let it go because there’s nothing you can do about it. He’s not coming back and he doesn’t want you to go to him either. Just let it go, sweety. You need to forget about him.”

“Never,” I say groggily. “I’ll try to move on but I will never forget about him.”

“Get your butt in gear, sick person. I’m taking you out shopping and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

I laugh as I bend down to shove my feet in my snickers. For the last two weeks or so I’ve been puking my guts nearly every night. I’ve put off my birth control shot until I felt better and yesterday I finally went to the doctor to give some blood for examination. Layla is afraid that I might have caught a nasty bug out in the wilderness that is slowly turning me to a werewolf or something. I told her that, if I had indeed caught a bug out there, the doctors at McCarthy would have found it when they did their own tests and I wouldn’t be suffering its effects nearly a month after getting infected. Of course, I add, you never know with the werewolf bug so I might as well throw in some more blood tests just to be safe. I need to know if I’m allergic to wolfsbane from now on.

“Sorry, sweetie, but there is. I’m heading to the doctor’s for my shot, which I’ve delayed for two weeks. But I can meet you after if you’re not in a hurry.”

She huffs. “I’m not in a hurry. I just don’t know for how long the baby will be sleeping. Forget about the shopping therapy and come over if you’re feeling better. I doubt whatever you have is contagious.”

“Alright. But you should keep Elijah away from me just in case. And no kisses and stuff. In fact, I’ll pick up a surgical mask on my way to you.”

“Fine, whatever. And why are you getting that shot anyway? It’s not like you’re having any sex these days.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” I say in mock-annoyance. Truth is I’m nowhere near ready to date or be with anyone sexually. I’m not nearly even close to moving on from Damon. “I’ll see you
after
my shot!” The call-waiting tone beeps in my ear. “Gotta go, Layla. I have another call waiting. I’ll call you when I’ll be on my way.”

As soon as she says goodbye, I pick up the other line. “Hello?”

“Miss Hale, this is Anne from Dr. Sanchez’s office, calling for your blood-test results.”

“Oh, hi. Thanks for calling back so soon. So what’s the verdict? Is it something contagious? Because I seriously hope I get to hug my godson today!”

She laughs softly. “Well, hug away. Your condition is definitely not contagious, though it will take a while for you to get rid of it. Oh, say about seven to eight months?”

I straighten up and stare at the closed door in front of me. “Excuse me?”

I listen to her explanation and only have a moment to thank her again before I hang up and fly to the bathroom to empty the cup of coffee and slice of toast I just had for breakfast.

“Hello, Cassandra. Good to see you again. Back for your shot?” Dr. Abney checks her computer and lifts an eyebrow. “You’re about two weeks later. Had any problems?”

“You could say that,” I tell her blankly and then throw out, “I’m pregnant.”

Dr. Abney’s eyes come up to look at me with raised eyebrows. “Pregnant? I see. Then I guess you’re not here for a shot then,” she adds with a bright smile.

“Last time I had sex was two weeks before my scheduled shot, Dr. Abney. Two weeks before the effects of the previous one were supposed to end. How is that possible?”

She frowns and removes her glasses, walking slowly towards me in thought. “Well, there is always 1% chance that the shot isn’t effective. The man’s sperm would have to be exceptionally strong and maybe your body had been weak. Were you under any antibiotics during the time?”

A crazed laughter escapes me and I explain my situation during the time I was with Damon. Dr. Abney’s expression turns soft when she sees the tears that sneak out of my eyes as I do.

“Cassandra, you have options. You don’t have to keep the baby if—”

“No,” I cut her off a little harshly. “I’m not dropping my baby.” I put my hands over my lower belly in an unnecessary protective move. “I’m keeping it.”

She nods and gives me an encouraging smile. “Well, then, there’s no reason for us to look further into the how but rather on what you do now. Let me do some blood-tests of my own and make sure everything is as it should be. I’ll give you some prenatal vitamins and suggest some books you can read to give you an idea of what you’ll be going through. I assure you that I’ll be with you every step of the way and you can literally call me any time at all.”

“What the hell took you so long?” Layla gripes in a whisper when she opens the door for me. I don’t walk in though just stare at her back as she starts towards the living room, assuming I’m following right behind her. When she realizes I’m not, she turns and looks at me in confusion. “Are you coming in?”

I swallow and shake my head. It’s all I can do.

“Cass, what is it?” she asks in alarm. “Honey, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out and feel my chin starting to tremble with my admission.

Layla’s mouth drops open and then the tears start along with the hard, body-shaking sobs and I can’t stop them. She wraps me in her arms and pulls me to the couch were I once again drop and cry on her lap until my throat is raw and my eyes are swollen.

I don’t know when I fell asleep but I can feel warm arms surrounding me and a hard chest under my cheek. For a moment I think it’s Damon and my heart flutters anxiously but then I remember where I am and realize it’s Dean that’s patting my hair softly.

“I don’t care what you’re saying,” Layla says in an angry whisper. “There’s no way she’s going through this alone. As soon as the baby is asleep, I’m calling that assholey family and telling them that she’s carrying Damon’s child. They need to help with the financial part.”

“Are you even listening to what you’re saying?” Dean argues in an equal tone. “This is her decision to make, Layla and I doubt she would want them to know. I remember her clearly telling us that she despises them for being the reason Damon left in the first place. Do you really think she would want anything from them?”

“And that’s exactly why
I
will call them and not Cass. She will say everything you just said and she’ll insist on having this baby without any help. You know how hard it is to have a baby as a single parent. Can you imagine what it would be like for me if I didn’t have you?”

“Maybe I can but that doesn’t change this is
Cassie’s
decision to make, babe.” Dean’s voice has grown softer. “Can you honestly tell me that, were in her shoes, you would want her to go behind your back and do something like that? That you would ever forgive her?” Layla doesn’t answer and Dean goes on. “She won’t be alone, Layla. She’ll have us. There’s no way we are ever going to let her do this alone.”

“No, there’s not,” she agrees softly. “I just can’t think how she’s feeling right now. I asked you if you can imagine what it would be like but I don’t think I can. Will she be scared? Sad? Bitter? I don’t want her to be any of that, Dean.”

“I’ll be okay,” I say groggily and clear my throat. Dean’s arms tighten around me and I feel his lips on the top of my head. “As you said, I’ll have you two.” I sit up and look at my best friend’s concerned face. “I want this baby, Layla. I know it sounds pathetic and corny but it’s all I have from him. And if I can’t have him with me, then you two are all I need. Not some strangers and definitely not for their money. Maybe I’ll one day tell them. Maybe I’ll even try to send a letter to Damon and let him know but right now, I just want the time to get used to the idea. Can you please accept that and stand by me?”

“Of course I can, sweetie,” she says with tears in her eyes. “And I’m going to be the best aunt and godmother there is. Even better than you.”

I laugh. “Alright. Even though you’re being presumptuous I’m going to let you get away with it. All three of us know I was always going to choose you for my baby’s godparents.”

“We love you, sweetheart,” Dean says in a seldom show of outright affection. “We’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

“Damn,” Layla mumbles as she wipes under her eyes. “I was actually hoping you would be turning into a werewolf. It would have been so awesome if my best friend was one. I guess we can rule that option out, huh?”