Charlotte Powers 1: Power Down (11 page)

xx48.11.21 / 16:58 / Still Monday

I am the worst friend ever in the history of all things. I can't even blame mood control, I'm just terrible. No matter what C2 says, I know I'm a Bad Person and a Bad Friend.

After class Ray grabbed me straight away (not literally, I just mean he kind of came over and I found myself following him) and led me to the gates. I tried to protest but he just grinned at me and said something like 'nah, come on, we'll have fun' and I giggled and kept following him.

"But I should change, I'm still in my uniform!" I said. He wasn't in uniform, not totally, he had a red leather jacket over his dark blue boy's shirt, it looked really good. He just grinned at me.

"You look cute in it."

I'm forced to admit that hearing that made me feel really good. I've never been called 'cute' before, not by anyone outside my family and that's different anyway. Just him grinning at me made me feel good, too.

So as it turned out ... I just abandoned C2. I stood her up. I left her standing outside my apartment waiting for me and I never showed up. And I didn't even do anything with Ray, we just walked around town and looked at shops and had milkshakes and then he said 'this was fun' (I don't want to admit this I don't want to write this down I really don't want to but it WAS it was SO FUN) and then he swaggered off (he DEFINITELY swaggers, there's no other word for it) and I had to call C2 at home and apologise. You know the worst part? She was NICE about it. She UNDERSTOOD. Actually no, that's not the worst part, you know the REALLY worst part? She was RELIEVED when I called her because she was WORRIED about me, she thought something happened to me and that's why I didn't show up, she thought I might've been hurt or something, she almost called the police!

She's such a good friend and I'm so unworthy of her. The way her parents acted, like I'm so amazing for being HER friend? They've got it ALL wrong, it's the exact reverse of that, SHE is SO amazing for being MY friend. I have to make it up to her, I don't know how but I have to think of something, something amazing. I have to SHOW her what she means to me, what our friendship means to me.

But what can I do? I can't think of anything. I wish I had more experience at this! Everything I know about friendship I've learnt from books and TV shows and movies but you know something? It's not like that at all! It's totally different! Well OKAY let's be fair there are SOME things that SOME books and TV shows and movies get right, but ... I don't know. Maybe it's the timescale. A movie is only like two hours long, how do you show a relationship in just two hours? And probably most of the movie won't even be ABOUT the friendship, if you boil it down an individual relationship probably only gets, I don't know, depends on the movie but let's say twenty minutes of targeted screentime, and from that I'm supposed to learn how to be a good friend?

Sigh. SIGH.
SIGH
.

I'm going for a run. I need to calm down, that's clear. I just read back this entry and it makes me feel sick. Run. Now. GO.

xx48.11.22 / 06:46 / Tuesday

I actually woke up about two hours ago. I've been pacing and thinking and fretting ever since. The stupid thing is that mostly there hasn't been a direction for my worries, I mean YES C2 and YES Veronica and YES weird mood control going on and YES Ray and his stupid gorgeous smile but—wait, did I just write 'gorgeous'? Where did THAT come from? I mean ... I'm not naive, I realise that a normal healthy young girl will begin to become interested in boys but I've never had those ... um ... 'urges'? I have other things to worry about, higher priorities, I'm not interested in sex, I have more important things to be interested in! Conspiracies! Intrigue! The possibility that this school is gripped by the claw of an evil supervillain! And more than any of that, friendship! If there's one thing I've learnt from books and TV shows and movies it's that sex is a friendship-killer, once you start throwing boyfriends and 'relations' and all that complicated stuff into the friendship mix that's when things become REALLY difficult and messy and awkward. I don't even WANT a boyfriend. I'm CERTAINLY not ready for anything like sex, even just the THOUGHT of kissing makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have to focus. I feel like my head is getting cloudier every day, now that I'm aware that something might be going on it's obvious, but at the same time I keep
forgetting
, it's so easy to just let it slip away that I might be under some sinister control, that my mood and my thoughts may not be entirely my own. It's so easy to lose concentration. I need C2 around! She always makes things clear! When I talk to her, it's like I can think properly, her amazing logical straightforward way of putting things is exactly what I need to help me concentrate. If it wasn't so early I'd call her.

You know what's weird? The one thing I'm looking forward to today is stupid Veronica Flux's self-improvement class. I actually enjoyed myself yesterday and I feel like I DID improve myself—and I'm writing that with the full and total knowledge that there may have been some kind of brainwashing or mood control in play, I've thought it over from every angle and the things I learnt from the program are actually good and useful. It's not just about 'teamwork', it's about critical thinking, about approaching problems from different angles, and about using your own abilities and the abilities of those around you to their fullest. No matter how I think about it, those aren't 'evil' things. I mean, I'm actually USING some of the 'thought organisation' techniques I learnt in the class to try to figure out what could be evil about it! That might very well be ironic!

Still, I'm not stupid. I don't trust Veronica and I don't trust the program. Probably all of this is just to lull people into a false sense of security. I'm sure that the ADVANCED self-improvement program is the REAL evil part of things.

I just can't figure out what it could be about. What possible evil application could there be to improving people's self-confidence, problem-solving skills and ability to work as an effective part of a team?

Maybe I'll get some answers today. I hope so.

xx48.11.22 / 17:19 / Still Tuesday

No answers. Not even any new questions. Just a normal day with nothing interesting happening. C2 seemed a little distant, but maybe that's just my slightly 'down' mood. It's hard to tell with her, probably right now she just feels like it's ME who wants her to back off a little. I could have said something but, like I said, I'm a bit down. It's strange, but that might actually be a good thing, because the 'mood' of the student body today was 'cautiously upbeat'. Everyone seemed to be very carefully cheerful, like they were always aware that at any moment the cause of their cheerfulness could be taken away. Kind of weird when EVERYONE is acting like that—but, like I said, not me. I was just down and lonely, even with C2 around. Since it's usually up to me to get conversations going with her, we didn't really talk much. Someone I did talk to, though, was Ray. We had free study in the afternoon AGAIN and he just talked to me the whole time. Not about anything really important, just where he grew up ("Granton on the coast" apparently, I've never heard of it) and playing rugby (pretty boring but his enthusiasm is kind of cute) and also quite a bit about how I'm cool and pretty (I admit I enjoyed that). I was careful not to give too much away and I don't think I did, it was actually pretty easy because mostly we talked about him and what he's done.

After that C2 and I had self-improvement class, which was fun again, then we went and did grocery shopping together, which was also fun. No pears in the supermarket yet, which is a shame. There were canned pears, which C2 said were good, but I want my FIRST pear to be a real one, not canned. C2 agreed, I could tell she was kind of happy that I said that. Oh, and she's never had mango! They didn't even have canned mango at the supermarket, I was actually kind of surprised that it's really expensive here and only available for a short time each year. It makes sense, though, this definitely isn't a tropical climate and they'd have trouble growing mangoes, so they'd have to import them. It's a shame I can't contact home, I bet Daniel could just teleport a whole bunch of mangoes here! Or would they count as 'living'?

We had kind of a fun conversation in the supermarket. C2 started it off, I'm not sure but I think she'd been 'preparing' it, like she'd devoted some time to thinking of 'something that I (C2) could talk about with Charlotte'. Anyway, she said:

"Do you think you are a naturally brave person?"

I really had to think about that! If she'd asked me before I came here then I would have answered "Yes!" straight away without hesitation. I'm a superhero, of course I'm brave! But actually there have been times since I arrived here that I've felt kind of scared, because I don't have my powers to protect me if something happens, like if I was attacked then I could actually get hurt, and I couldn't phase-out or run away ... anyway, my answer was:

"I think that, naturally, I'm not a coward. But I don't know if I'm brave or not."

C2 nodded at this, then she said, "I don't know if I could be considered brave either. I don't get scared very easily, in part because of my condition. But things that seem to scare other people don't seem particularly frightening to me."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Insects, spiders, snakes and so forth. My friend Trilli is scared of moths, I can't understand why. They're not poisonous and cannot bite, and although they can cause damage to carpets and clothing, generally speaking they're not threatening."

"I guess that's what they call an 'irrational fear'," I said.

"Irrational, yes
exactly
," said C2. It was actually the closest I've seen her come to getting excited, it was really cute. "In most situations, I can't help but be rational."

"Is there anything you're scared of, though?" I asked. "I mean, everyone's scared of something, right?"

"Not necessarily," C2 said. "I've read about a condition that blocks—"

"I mean that MOST people are scared of something," I said. "Most normal people."

"I'm not normal," C2 said. "But there are things that scare me."

"Like what?" I asked. "What's your greatest fear?"

C2 didn't have to think long before answering: "Inconveniencing others."

"What?" I said. "That's your GREATEST fear?"

"Even thinking about it makes me feel very uncomfortable," she said. "I'm always careful not to get in anyone's way but sometimes it's impossible. I don't like crossing the road because it means cars have to stop for me. If possible I wait until there are no cars, or time my crossing so that I cause very little disturbance to the flow of traffic. I always wait away from the crossing area, though, because if I wait close to the road then the driver of the approaching car might see me and stop, thinking I want to cross. It's the same at school or even here in this supermarket. If someone is moving in such a way that their path will cross mine, I try to alter my pace so that they will pass either in front of or behind me. But, sometimes people change their pace also, or their path changes slightly, or they pause. In that situation it's very difficult to know what to do. Often I stop completely. But sometimes it's too late to do that, as I am already occupying the space they intend to pass through, in which case I become confused and frightened and panic. It's the most uncomfortable feeling, and I do my best not to experience it. Another example is when I am talking to someone and cannot judge their mood or reaction to my words, and become caught between 'asking what they are feeling and making them uncomfortable because of the question' and 'guessing what they are feeling and being wrong'. Another very uncomfortable situation for me. That's why my greatest fear is inconveniencing others."

I have to admit, I was kind of fascinated listening to C2 talk about all of that. I feel like maybe I understand her just a little bit better because of it. Anyway, then she said:

"What is your greatest fear?"

I didn't have to think about this at all:

"Getting caught in the event horizon of a black hole—oh, and also getting sucked into a vacuum and explosively decompressing."

This made C2 frown.

"Those both seem unlikely to actually happen," she said. "If you avoid travelling into space then the chances of either of those events happening are as near to zero as to be realistically impossible."

"I know, but they're still definitely my greatest fears," I said. It's true, ever since I was about four and I watched a documentary about space travel and all that kind of stuff I've been scared to DEATH of, I don't know, 'space hazards' I guess you'd call them. "Even though I know there's pretty much no chance of either of them happening to me, just thinking about them still makes me get all shivery."

I could tell C2 didn't
really
understand, but she said it was interesting to talk about this kind of thing—I agree! It's REALLY fun and interesting to chat about these kind of personal things with your friend, I've totally been missing out these last fifteen years! If only for meeting C2, I'm so glad I came here, never mind all the bad stuff.

Anyway, I'd better stop writing here because I have to get ready for something. I'll write more tomorrow!

xx48.11.23 / 07:41 / Wednesday

Feeling good today! I woke up at around six and went for my morning run, I'm getting better and better at recognising my body's 'limits'. Now I can run for almost an hour without getting puffed out, as long as I don't push myself. I also did some sprinting, I'm pretty good! Even without super-agility I think I might have kind of a 'runner's body' and be naturally fast. It's also kind of nice to know I'm not breaking any rules—I mean, I never thought of it that way when my powers were working and I still don't, but when the only person you have to compare yourself to is your mother and you KNOW her powers are about twice as strong as yours it's kind of always just a little bit annoying. Knowing I'm on the same 'playing field' as every normal person is kind of nice.

Almost time for school, I should stop writing and get ready.