Chasing After Infinity

chasing
after infinity

L. Jayne

Copyright © 2012

L. Jayne

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, distributed, stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, without express permission of the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, or any events or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters and story lines are created from the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Cover Image Cop
yright © Austin Combs
, 2011

epilogue

ADRIAN

Everyone wants to know the story b
ehind my aloofness and indifferent
outlook on life. They think they know me
or can see right through my façade
.

What they don’t know is that it’s all part of the game.

With me, everything’s just a delicately woven ploy and in that world, I’m the king of playing with emotions. My favourite ones are those with the miles-long legs in short skirts and glittery lip gloss that tastes like candy. And there’s just something about the chase that makes it all so exulting. I’d run into a girl in the halls and glance over briefly as we’d pass, holding our eye contact until she’d look away in embarrassment. Every so often, I’d hold her hand in mine lightly, liking how the simple movement could make her slowly forget how to breathe. Other times, I’d move closer to her until my face almost touches hers and a covert smile would quirk my lips as she’d blush furiously.

The prospect of getting emotionally involved with any of them
seemed futile.
They knew what kind of person I was; it was either take it or leave it. I’ve never promised them it was going to turn into something more.

As far as it goes, I’m the person that
warns girls off and yet the person that lures them in
. I’m two sides on a flip coin all at once.

Falling into my
tangled
web
is almost too easy.

But
my façade
didn’t
fool everyone. There will always be a foil somewhere in your
plans. And my
kryptonite hit
me in the face.

I remember the first time I saw her
. I remember the way she dared you to meet her gaze.
The way she flickered my attention.

With her, it began the same way it did every other one that came before her. And right from the start, I knew that she would be difficult. She was everything complicated; all coy eyes, snarky attitude, and hard edges.

It was only a ruse to see if I could lure her in.

A game that turned into reality.
Because I’d eventually lost myself somewhere in it.

Through the endless lazy days, we’d lie on the beach, talking in hushed voices, watching the setting sun spread in front of us. We’d dreamed of heading somewhere else, to a place where we could be whatever we wanted. A glimmer of a connection settled between us and it was strangely undeniable.

But it didn’t last.

Because we both had our faults and the thing we shared glowed dimmer and dimmer until finally, one day, it turned into a spark and then nothing. And that was that.

Everything was over.

Maybe beneath the act, I’ve always known it would end this way but didn’t want to think about it.

We could perhaps call whatever we had
love
. But as she said before, I wasn’t capable of loving someone. And she was possibly right.

Because in a couple of mon
ths, I was back to my old game.
So she was smart not to fall in love with me.

My history with
Avena
was simple yet complex at the same time. That’s why when one of my friends asked me a while ago what had happened between me and her exactly, I said nothing.
Because I never understood it.
And I don’t think I ever could.

Strangers to friends, friends to enemies, enemies to lovers, lovers to haters, haters to friends...the circle of confusing emotions and relationships make the world go round.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I watch the waves surge against the jagged rocks, spraying seawater into the air and washing up foam ashore. The sun is reddish in the darkening sky and the fading embers of light strike against the ocean, bringing up shimmers
that make me squint
. I bring the hot end of my cigarette to my lips, sucking in smoke and
blowing it out into the salty breeze.
It calms me, numbs my nerves.

I close my eyes. My life is easy, some people say. I’ve got the looks, the charms, and the potential. They tell me I’m destined for great things and I don’t believe them because in the future years, I can see nothing. I’d be just like my adoptive father, living a fucking dull life in his fu
cking dull cubicle
with a fucking dull family.

My hands clench over the railing as I fight the struggling feelings inside me.

This beach is the place where it all started. It’s also the place it’s all going to end.

“Adrian.
”

My head jerks up. The moment I see her, it’s like my past blazes up in fire before my eyes. Pale chestnut hair spilling out of a hat, face washed out under the dim sunlight. She’s standing there alone, eyes staring through me.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
After her spoken words, there’s nothing but a current of electricity passing between us. I don’t know how long we stand there on the sand but it feels like an eternity.
I still remember
,
I want to tell her but my lips don’t move.
I remember everything.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Our eyes locked, I steel myself for whatever lies ahead. I realize that the world just works like this. If I wanted it to stop, I would have done so a long time ago. I would’ve held us in that perpetuity.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
But of course everything just moves forward. There’s nothing we can do to stop time. It presses forward, never bothering to give you a breath of air to slow down. That’s why I force myself to shove my hands into my pockets, to meet her searching gaze.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
“
What do you want
?” Sh
e says to me, still watching
me.
Sounding
empty.
She looks s
o drained in that moment, one hand wrapped around her own waist, the other gripping the railing in a viselike grip
as if she can absorb strength from only that
. It strikes me how different she is from that first day.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
“I just wanted to talk. Just give me two minutes and you won’t have to see me around town anymore.”

Avena
pushes comes up to me slowly. She opens her mouth to say something but closes it just as quickly, a look of anger washing over her features. “I have a life now, Adrian.
You can’t just yank me around—
”

“I’ve—
”
I start, moving forward.

She stops me with a simple shake of her head, about to turn and go.

I reach out to touch her shoulder as soon as my hand barely grazes her,
Avena
turns fast, and her eyes are angry pools of roiling torrents. “Don’t!”

As quick as a flash, she pulls back her hand, and then slaps me across the face, so hard that I feel my head crack to the side slightly from the unexpected strike. I rise in front of her, looking at her red hand.

She swallows. “Just don’t. I—I’m actually at my limits right now.”

I say nothing, my cheek pulsing. We watch each other, both unblinking and immobile.

It’s the first time I’ve seen her like this, so out of control. She stands so close that I can feel every shuddering breath. I hold my ground, my arms motionless at my sides. We are trapped in a silent challenge, both of us refusing to be the first to look away.

I exhale sharply, deciding to lose. “I’ve…missed you,” I finally finish what I was about to say before.

Then I take her shaking shoulders and pull her firmly into a hug. At first she tries to push me roughly away but I won’t let her go. Finally, she relaxes and all the anxiety leaves her body. She sighs desolately against my ear and this immediately takes me back to the moments where we stayed locked like this, like we had to hold on to each other or else we’d get lost and be blown away forever.

She rests her forehead on my shoulder while I stare blindly over her.

Thoughts storm in my mind but they all seem distant now as I press my lips against her clammy forehead.

“Adrian,” she says quietly, almost a soft whisper.

Suddenly, there is a little voice in the back of my head. Pretending is getting us nowhere.

It’s like they’ve always said.

The only way to let go is to confront the past.

Ψ
Ψ
Ψ
 

eighteen
months earlier

AVENA

I never liked good byes. They were sultry and bitter, always at the end of imperfect. They held remorse and endless sorrow, acting as silent tears into the ocean. I still remember that day.
The day when my life fell apart.

I thought that I was used to pain. That I was already numb from it. But the sight of her lying unevenly on the hospital bed, hooked to numerous tubes filled with fluid, just tore me down. If I
squinted
my eyes hard enough, my mom might’ve even looked as if she was sleeping all this time. Her eyes were closed and her lips were in a neutral expression. I had the indiscreet urge to yell in her ear to wake up, to do anything for those eyes to open. Her face was ashen and lifeless and I held on to those cold fingers like she was my life raft.
Don’t let go.
I silently pleaded, feeling like my heart was about to explode.
Please.
But it was no use. Her skin grew numbingly cold and in that moment, I just
knew.
As if all energy had left my body, I bent over; falling forward in blindness and Hayden, who was next to me, caught me. He held me close to him; I felt my ribs deteriorating around my heart. Dad didn’t even cry; he just stood there, his face shadowed and drawn, retreating into himself.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
“She’s gone,” Hayden said quietly, his words slipping through his lips. His eyes were frozen blue; the hands restraining me shaking.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
My hand unsteadily balled up and I pushed him away roughly, dodging out of Dad’s arms as I ran to the door, gasping for fresh air. I didn’t want to look.
Didn’t want to hear.
Old pain came rushing back at full-force as I flew down the set of stairs, through a bustling hallway and the emergency exit door. I unsteadily breathed in the salty May breeze, struggling to keep my emotions on check. With my shoulders trembling, I slumped against the brick wall. There was this continuous blankness in my mind. I couldn’t think. So I just put my head between my legs and tried to take in air. With each measured breath, I was just losing more control.