Chasing the Stars (45 page)

‘Then why kill the doctor? If that’s true, we could’ve talked her round to our side,’ I said.

‘And how many should she be allowed to kill before the decision is made that enough is enough? Some people and situations are beyond redemption.’

‘You keep telling yourself that, Mum,’ I said with disgust.

‘Get off your self-righteous high horse, Nathan. You of all people should know that we don’t live in a perfect universe with perfect people who achieve perfection in everything they do. You carry on thinking like that and people will always disappoint you.’

It was as if I was seeing this side of Mum for the very first time. Maybe this ruthlessness had always been there but I had chosen not to see it. And then a horrifying thought struck me.

‘Computer, where’s Vee?’

‘Vee is in the astrophysics lab,’ the computer replied.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

‘Oh my God! You thought . . .’ Mum frowned. ‘Nathan, what the hell—?’

‘I didn’t think you’d do what you did to the doctor,’ I told her. ‘I’m just beginning to understand what you’re capable of.’

‘I’m capable of the same things as your wife,’ Mum told me coldly. ‘I’m capable of making mistakes. I’m capable of sacrificing everything I want for the good of others. I’m capable of putting others first. I’m capable of doing the wrong thing for the right reason. I’m capable of regret and remorse. And I’m capable of taking responsibility for my actions even if it means I end up vilified and alone. I don’t know everything that went on between you and Vee, but I do know that you failed her.’

‘I . . .
what
? Are you kidding me? You obviously don’t know that Vee was prepared to stand by and let her brother kill me,’ I said, outraged.

‘But she didn’t, did she? She thought you were unfaithful and had been using her to get this ship as well as making a fool of her, and she still stepped up and saved your life,’ said Mum.

‘You’re taking her side?’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

‘Nathan, my hand is itching to give you an attitude adjustment slap.’ Mum scowled. ‘Didn’t I just tell you to grow up? I’m not taking anyone’s side. I’m saying, try seeing things from Vee’s point of view – just once will do. Now I have work to do, and I could’ve sworn I gave you an assignment in the engine room. You can stop glaring at me now.’

I’d moved past glare and into full-blown glower, so Mum had got that wrong too.

‘I swore I wouldn’t do this but I’m going to anyway,’ sighed Mum. ‘Nathan, let me give you a piece of advice and then I’m going to butt out of your business.’

‘What?’ I said belligerently. ‘I don’t need any advice from you.’

‘First of all, remove the bass from your voice. I am still your mother,’ said Mum, annoyed. ‘Now if you decide that your joining with Vee is over, make sure it’s what you really and truly want and that it’s not just your pride doing your thinking for you. Vee is very like me, that’s why I like her. You keep pushing her away and one day she won’t be there to push any more. If that’s what you want, all power to you. But if it’s not, you and she need to find a way to move past this. I’ve said my piece, so I suggest we both get back to work.’

I marched off the bridge. Mum didn’t have a single clue what she was talking about. And how on Callisto did we end up talking about Vee and me when I’d wanted to confront her about what had happened to Doctor Sheen?

Oh, Mum was good!

That was quite a skill she had there.

I headed along the corridor to get to the lift that would take me back to the engine room on the lower deck.

There ahead of me was the astrophysics lab—

No! I needed to get back to work.

But Vee was in there.

What was she doing?

Was she alone?

Even though I kept telling myself to go to the engine room before Mum got on my case, I found myself opening the door to the astro lab and stepping inside. I told myself it was just for a moment. I’d make sure Vee was doing OK and then I’d leave.

Vee was alone in the room and standing in the middle of the Tau star system. Her head was tilted up and her arms were raised as she tried to touch the stars, to clasp her hands around them, but no matter how slowly and carefully she moved, they all eluded her grasp.

I didn’t mean to but I must’ve made a noise because she spun in my direction, her arms now at her side. Neither of us said a word. Neither of us moved. Tentatively, Vee stretched out her hand towards me. All I had to do was move forward a few paces and take her hand in mine.

I turned and left the room. I needed to get back to work.

It took me forty-eight hours to return to the bridge. Staring at the walls and crying for my brother and all I’d lost wasn’t making me feel any better. I needed to be up and doing. Though when I finally made the decision to get back to work, I was surprised at the trepidation I felt at the prospect. I didn’t know what to expect. Maybe Catherine had decided that she wasn’t going to give command of the
Aidan
back to me. It wouldn’t surprise me to find I was persona non grata anywhere on the ship. Dressed and ready for work, I actually stood in the corridor outside the bridge doors, trying to muster up the courage to enter.

How ridiculous was that?

A deep breath later, I entered the bridge.

‘Captain on the bridge,’ the commander declared and immediately vacated the captain’s chair.

She smiled at me and handed back my command bracelets, then moved to the tactical station next to Sam and Hedda. I mean, did those two sleep at their stations? I took my seat, slightly stunned that walking onto the bridge was all it had taken.

‘Captain, may I suggest that we head for the Edwardes base?’ said the commander. ‘It’s five Sol days away and we need to dock to effect repairs and to try and pick up a replacement landing craft. Plus some of our fuel cells were contaminated when the accident happened in the engine room conduits and they need realignment.’

‘Fair enough,’ I replied. ‘Nathan, could you set course for the Edwardes base?’

‘Yes, Captain.’

Nathan didn’t look at me, I didn’t look at him. We just got on with it. Our personal relationship was dead. Long live the professional one.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.

Funny how I couldn’t get that saying out of my head. I had no clue who had originally said it or where it came from but I knew exactly what it meant.

I had held out hope that somehow—

But anyway, that was then and this is now.

Hope was no longer deferred. And my heart? My heart was just a pump, circulating blood around my weary body. I had no other use for it.

I’d got what I wanted, hadn’t I? Vee had finally got the message that I wanted nothing more to do with her. She spoke to each other only when necessary. Yesterday, she had tried to join us at our lunch table in the mess hall and I had taken my tray, got up and moved elsewhere to finish my food. At dinner yesterday and at breakfast this morning, Vee had sat down at an empty table to eat alone.

I’d got what I wanted.

So someone tell me why I felt so damned miserable?

During my break, I couldn’t face the mess hall again. Vee shouldn’t have to sit by herself just because I was in there. So I made for the hydroponics bay. With Mike in the medical bay, it was the one place on board apart from my quarters where I was almost certain to be alone.

I was in luck. The hydroponics bay was empty. I ordered a bowl of Vee’s ‘special recipe’ chilli from the dispenser and sat down on the bench to eat it. The first time I’d had some, it was so hot I’d thought my head was going to catch fire. Now I couldn’t eat any other kind. All the others tasted bland and insipid.

My chilli finished, I made my way over to the waste disposal beside the dispenser to get rid of my spoon and bowl.

‘Hi, Nathan.’

Mike’s voice made me jump. He stepped out from behind some tomtato plants, a satisfied grin on his face. He knew full well that he’d startled me. That was probably the effect he was going for.

‘Hell, Mike! Are you trying to give me a heart attack to give you something to do in the medi lab?’

‘Nihao to you too,’ Mike smiled.

‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. ‘I didn’t mean to take your head off. But don’t creep up on people like that.’

‘You were lost in a world of your own,’ said Mike. ‘Got anything you want to get off your chest?’

‘What’s on or off my chest is no concern of yours,’ I replied.

‘Tell me something. What’s going on with you and Vee? Are you officially over?’ asked Mike.

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ I replied.

‘Nathan, d’you want some advice?’

Oh, for God’s sake.

‘Not you as well. Why does everyone want to give me advice all of a sudden?’ I fumed. ‘What happened between me and Vee is our business, no one else’s – so butt out.’

‘Then answer my question and I’ll never comment on your business again,’ said Mike calmly.

‘What question?’

‘Are you and Vee over?’

‘Why? Are you interested?’

‘I might’ve been if I didn’t have Anjuli.’ Mike smiled.

‘So you two are together at last? Congratulations,’ I said tightly.

‘Said grudgingly and with more than a hint of venom, but I’ll take it,’ said Mike. ‘And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you still haven’t answered my question. Are you and Vee over?’

‘For God’s sake, Mike. What d’you want me to say? As far as I’m concerned, she’s just somebody I used to know. That’s all. OK?’

Furious, I spun round only to freeze when I saw who was standing in the doorway. Vee. And she’d heard every word. Stricken, I stared at her. In that moment I couldn’t have moved or said another word if my life depended on it.

Vee turned and left the hydroponics bay.

I spun round to glare at Mike who shrugged apologetically.

‘Man, she came in when I asked the question and put her finger over her lips before I could warn you that we had company. What was I supposed to do?’ said Mike.

‘Thanks a lot.’

Mike shrugged. ‘If you meant it, what’s the problem?’

The problem was, I now felt like shit. This had to stop. Vee and I couldn’t carry on this way.

I
couldn’t carry on this way.

I’d been putting it off for too long. It was time for Vee and I to sort out this mess we called a joining once and for all.

This watercress and potato soup had to be one of the nastiest things I’d ever put in my mouth. It was truly vile.

‘So what d’you think?’ Mike asked eagerly.

‘It . . . er . . . maybe it needs a bit more salt and pepper?’ I suggested. And the last rites read over it.

‘You hate it, don’t you?’ Mike said disappointed. ‘Everyone on this ship is a philistine. I’m making food from real, honest-to-goodness, properly grown ingredients and you all prefer that stem-cell-based muck that comes out of the utility dispensers. You do know those dispensers are descended from 3-D printers, don’t you?’

‘I don’t really care about their ancestry, Mike, as long as they dispense edible food,’ I admitted. Which was more than could be said for this foul-tasting concoction before me.

‘I’m casting pearls before swine!’ Mike said, leaping to his feet and heading off in a huff.