Cheryl Reavis (23 page)

“I’m not bound to Eleanor—not in the way you think—” Robert said.

Kate shook her head sadly. “Bound is bound, Robert. I’m no more free from my past than you are.” She took his hand and held it to her cheek. He rested his head against hers.

Just for a moment,
she thought.
I love you, Robert!

“I have to go back,” she said. “Whatever happens, I have to be there.”

Chapter Fifteen

T
here was no carpetbagger with an inappropriate invitation this time. If there had been, Kate thought, it was very likely she would have accepted it. She would have sacrificed Max’s reputation for Harrison’s comfort without a second thought.

As it was, six seats had been designated for transporting Harrison back down the line to Salisbury. A stretcher had been placed across the aisle with either end resting on a seat. The other four were for Kate and Mrs. Kinnard and items necessary to take care of Harrison for the duration of the trip. A straight chair had been placed close to the stretcher, because the lurching of the train made it too difficult to tend to him standing up. Robert and Castine were located two seats away, primarily to keep any curious passengers from trying to see what was happening. All of them took turns, even Castine, sponging away the fever, feeding Harrison water or a very thin broth.

When it grew dark, a lamp was lit. It hung from a hook in the ceiling, and the constant sway of the train made the shadows sweep back and forth across the car. Despite her exhaustion, Kate was aware of Robert’s presence all the time, but never once did he intrude. He quietly made sure she had whatever she needed. She was free to concentrate on her son, and she loved him all the more for it.

She loved him. He loved her. And nothing would ever come of it.

Kate was dozing in one of the seats when Robert lightly touched her arm, startling her awake.

“There’s been a change,” he whispered, and Kate’s heart fell.

“What—?”

“Shhh,” Mrs. Kinnard said behind them. “I believe his fever has broken,” she whispered. “I think he is sleeping naturally.”

Kate immediately maneuvered to where she could see. Because of the moving shadows, it took a moment for her to decide. She reached out to touch Harrison’s hand, and when she did, he clasped her fingers.

“Oh—”

“Shhh!” Mrs. Kinnard insisted again. “It would be premature to rejoice. Whatever emotion you’re feeling, feel it quietly. Natural sleep is the best healer.”

Kate nodded. She realized suddenly that she was crying, and she wiped at her eyes.

“I assume you want to sit by him,” Mrs. Kinnard said, still whispering.

“Yes.”

“Then do so. But do
not
wake him.” She moved the chair so that Kate could sit down without letting go of Harrison’s hand.

Kate sat there, trying not to rejoice—but it was so hard not to. At last she had a glimmer of hope.

Thank You for that, Lord.

She looked down the aisle to where Robert sat watching, and she managed to give him the barest of smiles.

She dozed off just as the sun was coming up. When she opened her eyes again, Harrison was looking at her.

“I knew...it was you...” he said.

Kate smiled. “Did you? How?”

“You’re the...only one who calls...me ‘Harrison.’ You...and Mother.”

* * *

“It’s not going away,” Robert said.

Kate looked up sharply. She had come outdoors to finish a letter to Max—her latest update regarding Harrison’s progress. She had seen Robert at a distance. Surprisingly, he had been talking to Warrie earlier, but Kate hadn’t realized he was nearby. He came closer.

“I...don’t think I know what you mean,” she said, avoiding looking at him directly when that was all in this world she wanted to do. Look at him. Sit with him. Talk to him. But it seemed that they had reached some kind of tacit agreement not to call attention to the change in their friendship, the kind Maria had been so worried about. They were still friends, and both of them knew it would have to stay that way.

“I mean Harrison is getting stronger every day,” he said.

Kate glanced at the upstairs veranda where Harrison was sitting in an invalid chair, playing checkers with Castine. They were a quieter but no less intense version of Joe and Jake, who at the moment chased each other around and around the backyard—with two hound pups nipping at their heels.

She knew that Robert expected some kind of response to his remark, but she didn’t say anything.

“Do you not see God’s plan in all this?” he asked after a moment.

“I’m afraid to see God’s plan,” she said truthfully.

“Maria told me once that you thought you were brought up useless,” he said, and she frowned. “Harrison and I both are proof that that is not the case.”

She shook her head. “Robert—”

“You’ve come a long way from the young woman who missed her train,” he said.

She looked at him then, and in a way she hadn’t in the days since they had brought Harrison back here to recover. She had
missed
him, even though he was never far away. It was still there. All the feelings—the love—she had for him, and when she looked into his eyes...

“Come walk with me,” he said, holding out his hand.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea—”

“Don’t worry. We have more things to discuss than my willingness to die for you. Or live for you—whichever you happen to need.”

He was teasing her, and she couldn’t help but smile.

“I never know what you’re going to say,” she said.

“Neither do I,” Robert assured her. “Are we walking?”

“All right,” she said, putting the letter into her writing box and setting it aside. She took his hand. “Which way?” she asked as he pulled her to her feet.

“That way. I need to see Reverend Lewis.”

She took his arm and they began walking down the path to the street that would take them to the church and the church parsonage. As they passed the front of the house, she turned and waved to Harrison.

“He’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Robert said.

“Why?”

“Are you going to tell him?” he asked instead of answering her question, and Kate knew exactly what he meant. Robert knew everything about her and Harrison. It wouldn’t be difficult for him to guess what was troubling her so.

“I want to,” Kate said truthfully. “Are you going to try to talk me out of it?”

“No.”

“Are you going to tell me what you think?”

“No,” he said again.

“But you think something.”

“I do.”

“Then tell me.”

“I think the same thing you do.”

“And what is that?”

“You want whatever is best for your boy. And now you’ve reached the point where you have to decide what that is.”

She stopped walking. They were standing in the shade of an apple tree that grew on the other side of a picket fence. The tree was covered in blossoms, and dozens of insects bobbed from flower to flower. “I want to tell him, Robert.”

“Yes,” he said.

Yes?

But he was merely acknowledging her desire. He was by no means condoning it.

“He’s a lot like you,” Robert said as they began walking again.

“Is he? In what way?”

“He’s very...forthright. I like that boy quite a lot,” Robert said. “He has a very practical way of looking at things.”

“What do the two of you talk about?”

“The war. Religion. The benefits of a good education. Samuel.”

He stopped walking. “I thought maybe you’d like to wait for me here while I go see the Reverend,” he said. The church was only a few yards away.

“I don’t—”

“Your lamp is lit late into the night, Kate,” he said. “I think there’s only one way to find the answer to the question that’s keeping you awake.”

Kate gave a soft sigh. It was true that she hadn’t been sleeping. She was so grateful that Harrison was recovering, and she could manage all the prayers necessary to express her gratitude. What she couldn’t manage was asking God what she should do now.

“I’m...afraid, Robert.”

“All the more reason to talk to Him. He already knows what’s in your heart.
Talk
to Him.”

She hesitated, then turned and walked toward the church doors, looking up at the thuya tree as she passed. It was as serene and stately as ever.

It’s to show, in God’s house, everyone is welcome...

She went into the sanctuary and made her way down the aisle to the front and sat in the same place she had when Robert had spoken so eloquently to the congregation. She didn’t think he realized how powerful his message had been.

She could hear the sparrows singing outside the windows, a carriage passing, children playing somewhere. She closed her eyes.

“I’m afraid,” she whispered. “Too afraid to say what I want so desperately.” She took a quiet breath. “Robert says You already know. Will You show me what to do? Please show me. Help me to understand Your will.”

She bowed her head, and she sat there quietly for a long time. But she felt nothing. Neither better nor worse. When she came out of the church, Robert was waiting. He didn’t ask her anything. He merely offered her his arm.

She didn’t look at him until they had reached the house.

“Don’t give up,” he said when she did. “You
are
strong, Kate. Remember that.”

“Kate!” Harrison called from the upstairs veranda. “Come on up!”

“I’ll see you later,” Robert said, and he left her standing in the yard.

“Kate!” Harrison called again, and she walked swiftly into the house.

“How is he?” she asked Castine as she passed him in the upstairs hallway.

“He’s happy today—got a letter from Philadelphia.”

Philadelphia.

If he was happy, then it must have been from John, she decided. Mrs. Howe hadn’t written to him personally as yet; there were only a few sentences included in the letters John wrote. Kate could only imagine how displeased the woman must be that he ran away from school. Kate still didn’t know the reason. She hoped he had written to John about it because he hadn’t said anything to her.

“Kate!” he said as soon as he saw her. “I have something to tell you!”

“I have something to tell you, too,” she said, because she knew at that very instant what she was going to do. Harrison was her son.
Her
son
.
He was part of her, and she was going to tell him the truth.

“You first, then,” he said, smiling up at her.

“I can wait. Tell me what has you so excited.”

“Well,” he said, moving his spectacles up on his nose. There are two things actually. I’ll tell you the best first—or maybe I should tell you the other one, I don’t know.”

“The best one,” Kate said.

“All right. I got a letter from Mother today—a
long
letter. She isn’t angry with me at all. She wants me home—there’s a private railroad car coming to get me—if Max’s army doctors say I’m well enough. If they do, I’m to send a telegram right away. I can’t wait to see her—she’ll know what to do about everything. She’ll know how I can make amends—”

“Do you...need to make amends?” Kate asked. It was all she could do to keep her voice steady.

“Yes, of course,” he said earnestly. “Robert told me a gentleman always makes amends when he’s in the wrong—especially with the people he loves. I ran away and worried everybody. I shouldn’t have. Mother will help me to do the right thing. She’s very wise—she’s the wisest person I know. We’re going to have a lot to talk about. She says I’m to thank you for sending Robert to find me.”

“Does she?” Kate said, fighting back the tears. She’d hid her true feelings for years and years. She could do it again now—for his sake.

He wants to go home!

“Yes, and she says thank you for taking such good care of me. And for keeping me company when I felt so low. That part is from me—she doesn’t know you kept me company. Now I need to tell you something.”

“All right.”

He was looking at her so intently, and she forced a smile.

“Well, it’s this. I think Robert is too shy for his own good. He’s like...that Pilgrim—Miles Standish. I think he likes you a lot, and since you’re not shy at all and you’re not getting any younger, maybe you should ask him if he wants to marry you.”

“What?” Kate said, startled because she’d only been half listening. Her mind was filled with but one thought. Mrs. Howe was his mother in every way that mattered, not her. Never her. Regardless of how it began, that was the truth of his life and hers.

I can’t tell him. Not ever.

If she did, it would be for her happiness, not his. He loved Mrs. Howe, relied on her,
missed
her. Somehow she hadn’t taken that into consideration at all.

“Ask Robert if he wants to marry you,” Harrison said.

“I...don’t think that’s the way it’s done,” Kate said.

“I don’t see why not,” he said. “You’d get a good answer. I know you would. Then you wouldn’t be alone like you are now and he wouldn’t, either. Can you just...think about it? It’s a good idea.”

“Yes,” Kate said. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good. What were you going to tell me?”

“Oh, nothing important—with all this talk of marriage, I think I’ve forgotten.”

“Then I’m ready for my afternoon nap now—you can tell me later. Would you find Castine? Mrs. Kinnard will be coming by soon, and I don’t want to have to explain to her why I’m awake. Unless you’d like to do that for me,” he added with a mischievous grin.

“I think not,” Kate assured him, and his grin broadened. “I’ll see you later.”

“Don’t forget what I said.”

“No. I won’t.”

Kate left the veranda and went blindly down the stairs. Castine was in the foyer, talking—listening—to Perkins.

“He’s ready to be wheeled in,” she said. “Do you know where Mr. Markham is?”

“He’s outside, Miss Kate,” Perkins said, and she nodded.

She needed to find him. The question she’d been so afraid to ask had been answered—Harrison himself had answered it—and Robert was the only person who would understand.

“Wait, Miss Kate,” Perkins said when she headed down the hallway. “I don’t think you ought to go out there right now,” he called.

But she kept going. She saw Robert standing in the yard, and she walked quickly in that direction.

“I was wrong,” she said as she approached him. “I was
wrong
.”

“Kate, what—?” He held out his arms and she walked into them.

“I was going to tell him,” she said into his shirtfront. “I was going to do it, but then I couldn’t. I didn’t realize how much he loves his—mother. Not me. Oh, it hurt so much listening to him talk about her. I can’t take her place—ever. If I told him, I would leave him with nothing but people who had lied to him.” She leaned back and looked up at him.