Child of All Nations (41 page)

Mama
,

I know you have not forgiven me. Even so I ask again for the thousandth time: Forgive me, Mama, forgive this son of yours, this Robert Mellema, whom you yourself brought into this world.

Ma, my Mama, as I write this letter I feel so close to you, as when I was a child who suckled at your breast. But it seems now that there is nothing for me in those breasts. The water of life, Ma, the water of forgiveness no longer flows. I know I will die young, Ma, without your forgiveness. With my head splitting, aching, throbbing, all my joints stiff and pained by any movement, I forced myself to write you this letter, Ma, news from a lost child. Fever attacks me again and again, my vision is almost gone, lost in the haze. I no longer know if I write in a straight line. But I must finish this letter. Perhaps it is my last. I will keep writing for the next week, until I can write no more.

The nurses here have been so good to me, giving me paper and ink and pen. They have promised to post it to you and even to pay for the stamps. They have promised to post it only after disinfecting the paper.

Now that I’m writing this last time, it is not to ask for
your pity. I only ask forgiveness. I will face everything with resoluteness just as you have faced everything. So you must not feel at all sad if I talk about my illness. I only want to tell you what has happened, as a son to a mother. No more than that.

My illness spreads, each day becoming worse. My body is no longer of any use to me, let alone to anyone else. There is just a heap of rotting flesh and bruised bones. I have no pity for myself, Ma. I have more pity for you, who suffered so much pain and spent so much energy to give birth to someone whose fate is no better than this.

Mama, it is best that first of all I tell you from where I caught this disease.

I have a disease of pleasure. After thinking about it I am sure it was in Ah Tjong’s place. May he and all his descendants be cursed. I was still very young and inexperienced. He invited me in and provided me with a Japanese woman. And it was because of that woman that I lied to Mama for the last time, the biggest lie I ever told.

There is no one here in the hospital who can treat this disease. They never talk about my illness, but I know what their silence means.

Because all this goes back to Ah Tjong, let me talk first about him. Cunningly, using a thousand tricks, he got me to sign a letter confessing to living in his house and that all my food, drink, accommodation, pleasures, and everything I needed were provided by him. The next day he started a long conversation with me:

“If Tuan Mellema dies, Sinyo Robert will be the sole heir.”

“No, Bah, I have a younger sister.”

He nodded, then went on: “You are discouraged just by a little sister?”

“And there is a stepbrother from Papa’s legal marriage.”

“A stepbrother? What’s his share in Sinyo’s family in Wonokromo? He has no rights. I can help Sinyo get good lawyers to arrange everything. It’ll all be fixed. Sinyo will be the sole heir.”

“It can’t be, Bah.”

“Your only problem is your sister, and that can easily be fixed. Ah, she’s only a sister anyway.”

“Maybe Papa’s already made a will.”

“No,” he said, “your Papa hasn’t written anything.”

“How does Babah know that?”

Babah just laughed.

“How do you know that?” I repeated.

“Ah, don’t worry, it’ll all be fixed without you doing a thing. Sinyo will be sole heir.”

“Maybe my sister will soon marry this student. He might want to demand his wife’s rights.”

He went silent. He asked who it was and where he lived. I told him that the person in question was staying at our house but that at the moment he was involved with the police. He asked me whether I liked my future brother-in-law, I said: “He’s just a disgusting Native. From the moment we first met I didn’t like him.”

“Look, Nyo,” said Babah, “if Sinyo becomes sole heir, Maiko can be Sinyo’s concubine. And you won’t have to do any work. Babah will look after the business. You will have no problems.”

“Mama wouldn’t allow it.”

He nodded, then he spoke like this: “Your sister is just a girl. Your mother is just a Native woman. What are they compared to Sinyo? Nothing. They’re no more than banana-tree stumps, Nyo. Believe me. If I say Sinyo will be the sole heir, it means the two of them will be gone.”

“But they’re not gone,” I rebutted him.

“Yes, now they are here. But who knows about tomorrow or the day after? But the business, it will all be Sinyo’s alone. And no need to work. Just take pleasure, while the profit rolls in by itself.”

“There’s still Papa.”

“Sinyo’s Papa is no longer a factor in anything. He’s dead in life, alive in death. Neither his mouth nor his heart have any value. Everyone knows that. It’s sad, but that’s how it is.”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“How much pocket money do you get from Nyai?”

“Nothing now.”

He clapped his hands and smacked his lips reprovingly. But I know now why Mama never gave me any money. Mama wanted to teach me to earn money from my own efforts, and I
didn’t like working. How happy must Annelies be, wanting nothing and understanding what you wished to teach us. It was I who was in the wrong, Ma, and it’s no use being sorry now. And yes, you were right, Ma, it is only from their own efforts that people know happiness. At least, Ma, it is certain that you have obtained some happiness from your work. Ah, what’s the use of talking about my own feelings, feelings that will have no value in your eyes, Ma?

But let me go on with this chat between the two of us, Ma.

It was clear he was proposing some possibility of inheritance for me. And how stupid I was; I was happy to hear those poisonous suggestions.

“About the possible brother-in-law, Nyo…easy, especially if he’s living there. What’s the price of a brother-in-law?”

“Darsam will guard him,” I said.

“Darsam? He’s just a hired fighter. How much does a hired thug earn? Three
ringgits?”

“I don’t know, Bah.”

“Just say it’s three ringgits. At the most it’d be thirty guilders. If you give him fifty, he’ll do whatever Sinyo wants.”

I said he was right. He told me how to approach Darsam. “All these men are the same,” he said. “Pay them more and they’ll betray their own employers. A hired killer from anywhere. Give him ten guilders as a deposit. Here’s four ringgits. Sinyo doesn’t like his sister or Nyai, do you?”

“I hate them both,” I answered.

“Easier still. But the candidate brother-in-law has to be taken care of first.”

Satan had entered into my heart. One evening I met with Darsam at his house. I invited him down to the warehouse and he came with me but was suspicious. I lit a match and put down the four ringgits before him.

“Four ringgits, genuine, ten guilders altogether, new and shiny,” I began.

He gave a short laugh.

“For you, Darsam.”

“You’ve become rich very quickly. Where’s the money from, Nyo?”

“Ah, don’t worry. Put it in your pocket. Next time I’ll give you ten times four ringgit more.”

“Forty guilders more?” he asked. “Sinyo’s not fooling around this time, hey?”

I put out the match so he wouldn’t be embarrassed to take up the money. “How much do you get each week from Mama, Darsam?”

“Ah, Sinyo’s just pretending not to know.”

“Anyway, if you join with me, you’ll be much better off.”

“Where did Sinyo get all this cash?”

“All taken care of, Darsam. Hey, people say you once killed a thief here.”

“Easy, Nyo, if only a thief and only one man.”

“Of course it’d be easy for you, Darsam. What isn’t easy for Darsam? Hey, if there was another thief, would you still dare fight him?”

“I’d have to check first who he was Nyo. If the thief was Nyai’s own son, it’d be best if I didn’t interfere.”

“You mean me, Darsam? I’ve never taken anything that didn’t rightfully belong to my father.”

“That’s why I’d have to see who the thief was first.”

That answer not only took away my confidence but scared me as well. Remembering Ah Tjong’s assurances, I put aside those feelings and went on: “There is a thief here again. He doesn’t carry a rifle. Forty guilders more if you take care of this other thief and leave no trace.”

“What thief, Nyo?”

“Minke.”

I couldn’t see his face in the dark, but I could tell he was furious. He growled like a leopard.

“Take back your money, Sinyo,” he shouted viciously. “Darsam has never taken blood money. Don’t go yet, before I say my piece: If you take another step before I have spoken, I’ll cut you down right here and how, unwitnessed by anyone. Listen: My employers are only Nyai and Miss. They like Young Master. Look out! If anything happens to any one of the three of them, I’ll know who did it. Look out! It’ll be you I’ll kill. Go, get! Don’t trifle with Darsam!”

Frightened by his threats, I ran all the way back to Ah Tjong’s house. Babah shook his head but didn’t say anything. I tried to forget the incident. I was afraid to meet Darsam. I had thought of him as a hireling but he had frightened me into total collapse.

Babah ordered me to live secretly in his house. I lived in the midst of unlimited pleasure. Everything was made available to me. I didn’t have to think about a thing.

Ah Tjong has some plan for our family, Ma. I feel so guilty now that I not only didn’t resist letting him do whatever he wanted but, worse than that, I actually agreed to all his plans. It’s only proper that Mama is unwilling to forgive me.

Everything is catching up with me; I must look upon it all as a punishment that I must undergo to redeem myself. I don’t want pity from anyone. Don’t pity me, Ma. Don’t remember and miss me, Ma. Forget me as if you had never given birth to me. As if the milk from your breasts had just spilt onto the ground. I’m too low to be your son; even the offspring of a dog knows how to be faithful and return kindnesses. I’m too low a person to be the child of anyone. Even so, once again, Ma, I say I need your forgiveness. And Annelies’s and Minke’s, even though I know they won’t give it. At least I have done my duty and asked for it, petitioned for it.

Be careful, look out for Ah Tjong. Now I understand better: He wanted to gain control of
Boerderij Buitenzorg
and its land by means of murder and evil, cunning tricks.

Let’s leave this horrible matter, Mama.

Does Mama remember a dairy herder called Minem? Annelies will know her. When Darsam, Mama, and Annelies and Minke came to Ah Tjong’s house, I had to run away. I knew how furious Mama felt towards Ah Tjong and towards me. I ran, Ma. It was then, Ma, that I left my seed in Minem. I mean: Minem is pregnant because of me, not because of anyone else. I don’t know if she aborted the pregnancy or not. If she hasn’t, Mama, that is my child, your own grandchild.

Ma, my request to you is to look after that child, boy or girl. I hope she is a girl. Whatever else, she is your own blood; she has never sinned against you. Give the baby my name: Mellema. If she is a girl, call her Annelies Mellema, because she too will be wonderfully beautiful.

Don’t let Minem keep on working in the dairy. Bring her into the house, because that is what I promised her. It’s up to you, Ma, how you arrange it.

Mama, it’s been a week now that I’ve been writing this letter. By tomorrow I will not be able to write anymore. Live your life in happiness, Ma.…Good-bye, my great Mama. May you stay healthy and safe as long as you live. May you live long to see your grandchildren and great-grandchildren. May no one ever make trouble for you again. May there be some among your grandchildren that make you very proud. Best wishes too for Annelies and Minke.